Lately I've been thinking. And here it all is:
1. No matter what I do I continue thinking about us and what we used to be. But you know what? You say you don't hate me, but you won't even talk to me. I hope you can't sleep and you cry and scream about it. I hope you have nightmares about it. I hope it kills you a little inside every day like it does to me. I hope you can't breathe without me and it eats you alive! I hope you feel the pain that I do. Every minute of every day. There's nothing left to be. You've gotten closure, but you left me with the open wound. I'm tired of being the only one that's hurt. Just wait. One day you'll get it. You'll realize what you lost and you'll want me back. But don't expect me to be waiting. I don't need you. And I don't even want you anymore if this is the asshole you're going to be. Leave and leave me be.
2. I don't know what I believe anymore. Everything is fake now. Nothing's real. Nothing's ever BEEN real except this nightmare I call life that I've been living. I guess my sister is starting to rub off on me because she says if God loved me, why would he put me through this? Why doesn't he listen and answer my prayers? How is that this amazing big God in the sky can see my suffering and not take my hand and lead me. Do you hate me? Is that it? I've trusted you so much and what have I gotten? What have I earned? What's been fixed? All I've been left with is tears and sleepless nights. Drama and fake friends. Alone and constantly under a dark cloud. Where's my hero? Where are you? Are you even there?
3. I just can't do this anymore. My entire life is bipolar right now. One minute everything is fine and the next my world is crushed and I'm being yelled and screamed at over some tiny stupid little thing. How do you people live with yourselves? With the pain you cause? The words you say. Every time something goes wrong, it's me. It's always me! Why doesn't anyone take responsibility for anything?! I'm tired of being blamed of being sick and nauseous and completely in a mental breakdown over this shit. What the hell have I done to deserve this? I'm a fucking teenager! What the hell do you expect from me??
4. Who the hell am I? Why the hell am I here? Look at my life. Look at where I am. What have I accomplished? What have I done? I used to think I knew who I was. So many people say that they know me. They know who I am and how I am. How is that possible? I don't even know! Why do you constantly lie to me and try to create someone I'm NOT? Every time I turn around someone is spreading a rumor or telling a story that they've composed and they tell people that's me and who I am when it's not. I don't know who I am, but I can tell you who I'm not. I'm not a slut or a whore. I don't sleep around town. I'm not the person to mess with. I'm not the perfect patsy. I'm not the little girl I used to be. I'm not an attention-whore, I'm just looking to find who I am. I'm not a popular snob who dates the guy on the football team and sleeps with him just to keep him from breaking up with me. I'm not the girl who cries when I break a nail. I'm not the strongest but I' m definitely not weak.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
To You
It's late. After midnight. And here I lay. It's been a little over a week and I can't stop thinking about you. Every ounce of me wants you back and everything inside of me misses you like crazy. I told you I didn't want you to have to hurt anymore. In some way, I'm hoping that you realize it hurts more to be without me altogether than to have to wait a week to see me. I really care about you and I want what's best for you. But at the same time as all of this, if you wanted me back, I'm not sure if I could say yes. Who's to say that anything would change? It almost felt like I was pulling every string possible to see you, but you weren't budging. I mean, on days that we could've hung out, or said we'd try to, you slept all day or never asked your parents if we could hang. When we split, yea, I was upset. I cried, over you. I've never cried over a boyfriend before in my entire life.
I don't know what to think anymore. I guess I was stupid for thinking that you were different than the rest. For thinking that you actually cared. Sometimes I wonder if you wanna talk to me now, you just don't want to text me first. We agreed we'd stay friends, and if you wanted to get back together, there's a good chance I'd say yes. But it'd because for once in my life I'm choosing to see your imperfections, perfectly. I may not have gotten to see you as often as I'd liked to of, but I was just fine knowing you were mine and that for that ten minutes a week, I would be in your arms. No matter what. And that I'd have at least one good day a week knowing that I'd see you at the end of the day to end it amazingly. But I guess caring isn't enough these days. I hope I pulled a lever in your brain that makes you realize how much I really do care for you and that I'm not like the other girls who just say yes to say that they have a boyfriend only to dump you off for the next hunk of meat they see. No. I'm real. And if you even wanna think about getting back with me, you better get real too. I'm lookin for somethin serious and if you aren't serious about me, than I'm glad we split. I just wish you would let me know what's on your mind and how you feel about me so I might know where to start.
I don't know what to think anymore. I guess I was stupid for thinking that you were different than the rest. For thinking that you actually cared. Sometimes I wonder if you wanna talk to me now, you just don't want to text me first. We agreed we'd stay friends, and if you wanted to get back together, there's a good chance I'd say yes. But it'd because for once in my life I'm choosing to see your imperfections, perfectly. I may not have gotten to see you as often as I'd liked to of, but I was just fine knowing you were mine and that for that ten minutes a week, I would be in your arms. No matter what. And that I'd have at least one good day a week knowing that I'd see you at the end of the day to end it amazingly. But I guess caring isn't enough these days. I hope I pulled a lever in your brain that makes you realize how much I really do care for you and that I'm not like the other girls who just say yes to say that they have a boyfriend only to dump you off for the next hunk of meat they see. No. I'm real. And if you even wanna think about getting back with me, you better get real too. I'm lookin for somethin serious and if you aren't serious about me, than I'm glad we split. I just wish you would let me know what's on your mind and how you feel about me so I might know where to start.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Memories of Us
Memories flood my head
Flowing into my mind
Like a tidal wave
Of happiness
That we've shared
For what seems like
Years but has
Only been months
And weeks
The memory of our
First date and first
Kiss that
Almost bring
Me to tears when
I think about them
We'll go far and
Grow stronger with
Each passing day
We create
We remember
What we call
Memories
Of us.
Flowing into my mind
Like a tidal wave
Of happiness
That we've shared
For what seems like
Years but has
Only been months
And weeks
The memory of our
First date and first
Kiss that
Almost bring
Me to tears when
I think about them
We'll go far and
Grow stronger with
Each passing day
We create
We remember
What we call
Memories
Of us.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Date Night
It wasn't that I was
Generally scared
I was only scared
Of losing you
Someone so important
To me and so loved
Even so
My hand found yours
Through the
Dark of the movie theatre
And neither of us
Realized how tightly
We were holding
On until we released
Our hands from
Being intertwined
As one
When it was over
You disappeared and I
Found you outside
Proud of you for
Breaking a habit that
Everyone else seemed
To have picked up
A horn
Beeps
You shake two hands and
Turn
To me
Arms outstretched and
I wrap my arms around your
Neck as you kiss my
Cheek and then my neck in
A line of three little
Points
Neither of us are
Willing to let go but
We do as our hands drop
Almost like a
Slow motion scene
And we both walk away
Regretting that a part of
Us has to go and that we
Left so many words
Unsaid.
Generally scared
I was only scared
Of losing you
Someone so important
To me and so loved
Even so
My hand found yours
Through the
Dark of the movie theatre
And neither of us
Realized how tightly
We were holding
On until we released
Our hands from
Being intertwined
As one
When it was over
You disappeared and I
Found you outside
Proud of you for
Breaking a habit that
Everyone else seemed
To have picked up
A horn
Beeps
You shake two hands and
Turn
To me
Arms outstretched and
I wrap my arms around your
Neck as you kiss my
Cheek and then my neck in
A line of three little
Points
Neither of us are
Willing to let go but
We do as our hands drop
Almost like a
Slow motion scene
And we both walk away
Regretting that a part of
Us has to go and that we
Left so many words
Unsaid.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Finally Defining Love
A few days ago, I was reflecting on some deep things in my relationship with a close friend. I had told him that every time Chris and I kiss or I think about our kisses, I get butterflies. I then proceeded to ask him what this meant and if it was a good thing. He told me that it means I'm doing it right and that maybe Chris thinks about kissing me for a little bit before he actually does because he wants it be sincere. The butterflies, I was also told, meant that there's more than just flesh in the transaction and that the souls are reaching out to one another.
I responded to this by telling my friend that I don't think I love him yet, which is where I am at. His response to that has been in my mind every day since he said it. Just two simple words: "Define love". And that's all there was. I thought on his reply for a few moments, knowing that love is not as clearly defined as we all think. The dictionary I used defined love as this:
Love: 1. Any object of warm affection or devotion
2. A strong positive emotion of regard and affection
3. A beloved person; used as terms of endearment
4. Have a great affection or liking for
5. To be enamored or in love with
Yet the Bible defines love as this(1 Cor. 13:1-8; 13):
Love: 1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I ended up responding with this: "I love him as my boyfriend and I love him as a friend, but I don't think I'm ready to say 'I love you' yet and I don't think he is either."
Ever since, I can't stop thinking about that two-word question: define love. And I started realizing that love isn't just one specific characteristic or trait. Love is many different things and everyone has their own meaning, their own definition of "love". So I started thinking, what's mine? What is it that makes me say that I'm "in love" or that I love someone. What is it that provokes me to say the words "I love you" with such a passion and meaning behind them. And here's what I came up with:
That's right. Nothing. You wanna know why? Because love is undefinable. Love is indescribable, and love is what you make it. Love is the "greatest of these." You can't buy love, nor put a price on it, nor define it, nor begin to find it's depths. Love is feeling boundless within your own boundries. It's feeling free to express yourself. But most of all, love is yours. No one can take it from you, but anyone can show it to you. And just the same, you can show love to anyone. Finding love isn't the end of the journey; it's just the beginning.
I responded to this by telling my friend that I don't think I love him yet, which is where I am at. His response to that has been in my mind every day since he said it. Just two simple words: "Define love". And that's all there was. I thought on his reply for a few moments, knowing that love is not as clearly defined as we all think. The dictionary I used defined love as this:
Love: 1. Any object of warm affection or devotion
2. A strong positive emotion of regard and affection
3. A beloved person; used as terms of endearment
4. Have a great affection or liking for
5. To be enamored or in love with
Yet the Bible defines love as this(1 Cor. 13:1-8; 13):
Love: 1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I ended up responding with this: "I love him as my boyfriend and I love him as a friend, but I don't think I'm ready to say 'I love you' yet and I don't think he is either."
Ever since, I can't stop thinking about that two-word question: define love. And I started realizing that love isn't just one specific characteristic or trait. Love is many different things and everyone has their own meaning, their own definition of "love". So I started thinking, what's mine? What is it that makes me say that I'm "in love" or that I love someone. What is it that provokes me to say the words "I love you" with such a passion and meaning behind them. And here's what I came up with:
That's right. Nothing. You wanna know why? Because love is undefinable. Love is indescribable, and love is what you make it. Love is the "greatest of these." You can't buy love, nor put a price on it, nor define it, nor begin to find it's depths. Love is feeling boundless within your own boundries. It's feeling free to express yourself. But most of all, love is yours. No one can take it from you, but anyone can show it to you. And just the same, you can show love to anyone. Finding love isn't the end of the journey; it's just the beginning.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Now.
I'm sick of the love songs
I'm not feelin the upbeat ones either
I'm not feeling anything.
I know I care for you
But right now
Is a really bad time
And you should probably get used to it
Cuz this happens alot.
The mood swings
The ups n downs.
I feel it all the time.
Maybe if I were there
Or you were here
But who's to know.
Who's to care.
I'm not feelin the upbeat ones either
I'm not feeling anything.
I know I care for you
But right now
Is a really bad time
And you should probably get used to it
Cuz this happens alot.
The mood swings
The ups n downs.
I feel it all the time.
Maybe if I were there
Or you were here
But who's to know.
Who's to care.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
September
Today Chris and his father came to church. His dad seems kinda stern, but he liked me :) Which is a TOTAL bonus. After church, Mom, Dad, Jax, n I went for pho(Yummiful!). After that we all went back home for like an hour and then met at the Capital City for shopping time. Jacquie pulled every excuse in the book as why she was late, but when she finally showed up, Chris was with her(aka why she was late) which TOTALLY made my afternoon. Mom n Dad went their own way n Jax, Chris, n I went ours.
After mall time, Chris and I went back to Jacquie's with her and we all watched The Marriage Counselor(Which was amazing, btw). I was leaning on Chris' shoulder(my neck still hurts from that) and it was soo comfy. :)
Jacquie went into the kitchen to help her mom make dip for the chips(our fam recipe). During this time, the movie was still playing. Chris put his finger under my chin, lifted it up, leaned over me, and kissed me. Basically while this was going on, we were oblivious(obviously). He then leaned back and looked at me. It was at that point that Jax n her mom come parading in with the chips n dip, clearing their throats. Chris then continued to explain that he was stretching(which he was also doing...just across the front of me). They won't stop making fun of me now >_< ha.
After the movie was mostly over, we dropped Chris at home. We hugged for like, 15-20 minutes. He kissed me goodnight and put off going inside as long as possible. While texting earlier, we were contemplating sleepover ideas with his sister and Jacquie. We'll figure it out tomorrow... :)
After mall time, Chris and I went back to Jacquie's with her and we all watched The Marriage Counselor(Which was amazing, btw). I was leaning on Chris' shoulder(my neck still hurts from that) and it was soo comfy. :)
Jacquie went into the kitchen to help her mom make dip for the chips(our fam recipe). During this time, the movie was still playing. Chris put his finger under my chin, lifted it up, leaned over me, and kissed me. Basically while this was going on, we were oblivious(obviously). He then leaned back and looked at me. It was at that point that Jax n her mom come parading in with the chips n dip, clearing their throats. Chris then continued to explain that he was stretching(which he was also doing...just across the front of me). They won't stop making fun of me now >_< ha.
After the movie was mostly over, we dropped Chris at home. We hugged for like, 15-20 minutes. He kissed me goodnight and put off going inside as long as possible. While texting earlier, we were contemplating sleepover ideas with his sister and Jacquie. We'll figure it out tomorrow... :)
Friday, September 25, 2009
Lyrics to a Song I Started
This is a song I started writing the other night. It just cam to me, so I started writing it down. I know the tune I want too. This is just kinda what I have so far. Need to finish the second verse and maybe do a third verse. Not sure yet. But let me know whatcha think!
VERSE 1
So much to say to you
Seems dreams are comin' true
But I need to know
If we'll ever grow
It's like the perfect scene
Playin' right in front of me
The stop button's callin my name
Or should I let it play?
CHORUS
It's like a, whirlpool or summer
Mixed with, a little bit of winter
You don't know what to say
You don't know where to start
And it's kinda like, you're goin' crazy
And, everything's so scattered
You're just confused
Don't know what to do
VERSE 2
You're heart is racin'
And, you're mind is pacin'
What's he gonna say
Should I lead the way?
BRIDGE
It's complicated
It's, messin' with your mind
Just tryna find out
If he's a guy of a different kind
Oh, oh, oh, ohh
VERSE 1
So much to say to you
Seems dreams are comin' true
But I need to know
If we'll ever grow
It's like the perfect scene
Playin' right in front of me
The stop button's callin my name
Or should I let it play?
CHORUS
It's like a, whirlpool or summer
Mixed with, a little bit of winter
You don't know what to say
You don't know where to start
And it's kinda like, you're goin' crazy
And, everything's so scattered
You're just confused
Don't know what to do
VERSE 2
You're heart is racin'
And, you're mind is pacin'
What's he gonna say
Should I lead the way?
BRIDGE
It's complicated
It's, messin' with your mind
Just tryna find out
If he's a guy of a different kind
Oh, oh, oh, ohh
Thursday, September 17, 2009
.
Cold
Tired
Alone
Is there no one
Who will notice
Who will wrap their arms around me
Comfort me and be there
Or just hold me?
This is what it means
To be a starving artist
Many of the greats
Have been inspired by these trials
Many of the greats
Have felt this same emotion
These same emotions
And the feeling of losing it all.
I know this all too well
Is there anyone out there
Who cares about me?
Tired
Alone
Is there no one
Who will notice
Who will wrap their arms around me
Comfort me and be there
Or just hold me?
This is what it means
To be a starving artist
Many of the greats
Have been inspired by these trials
Many of the greats
Have felt this same emotion
These same emotions
And the feeling of losing it all.
I know this all too well
Is there anyone out there
Who cares about me?
Friday, September 11, 2009
Big Brown Eyes
A raised hand
A final salute
A single tear
Those big brown eyes
Fixed
Upon that flag
Of read, white
And blue that sways
In slow motion in seems
That sis at half-staff
Upon that strong, tall post.
A quivering hand slices
Downward through the air
That seems to be thickening yet
Closing off.
Those big brown eyes shed
Yet another tear
As she looks around.
All of these coffins
Draped with American flags
Holding bodies that
Are now deceased
And she can't
Help wondering if
All these lives
Were taken in vain.
A final salute
A single tear
Those big brown eyes
Fixed
Upon that flag
Of read, white
And blue that sways
In slow motion in seems
That sis at half-staff
Upon that strong, tall post.
A quivering hand slices
Downward through the air
That seems to be thickening yet
Closing off.
Those big brown eyes shed
Yet another tear
As she looks around.
All of these coffins
Draped with American flags
Holding bodies that
Are now deceased
And she can't
Help wondering if
All these lives
Were taken in vain.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Through his eyes
Man it's kinda hot out here
But I got my swag goin
What, who said my name?
I know that voice
Over there, Ebony?
Wow, here she comes!
She always looks so cute
And look at that bright smile
Never leaves home without it
A high-five?
How 'bout a hug instead?
Yep, God I love this girl
"What are you doin?"
Why would I ask that?
I'm so stupid sometimes!
But shes still smiling
Good sign!
Aw, family time :)
No, dude where you goin?
Stop walking, I wanna talk!
Ugh, sorry baby tigris
The way she walks...
She's got swag too
Attitude, but in a good way.
Shes lookin back at me!
smile and wave
I can't help watching her
I really like her but
I don't wanna screw this up.
She's so smiley and cute
Fun to be around and talk to...
Man
I NEED that girl right there.
But I got my swag goin
What, who said my name?
I know that voice
Over there, Ebony?
Wow, here she comes!
She always looks so cute
And look at that bright smile
Never leaves home without it
A high-five?
How 'bout a hug instead?
Yep, God I love this girl
"What are you doin?"
Why would I ask that?
I'm so stupid sometimes!
But shes still smiling
Good sign!
Aw, family time :)
No, dude where you goin?
Stop walking, I wanna talk!
Ugh, sorry baby tigris
The way she walks...
She's got swag too
Attitude, but in a good way.
Shes lookin back at me!
smile and wave
I can't help watching her
I really like her but
I don't wanna screw this up.
She's so smiley and cute
Fun to be around and talk to...
Man
I NEED that girl right there.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Dancing Flames
The flames danced
Across the burnt wood
That smelled of cherry
And spice settled in timbers
Ashes burning like tiger lilies
She sits, entranced
By these flames
That dance around
Switching wood partners
With every leap and bound
Curled up, arms tying her legs
Together in the cold
And dark of the night
Alone but feeling unashamed
Because of the love
That dances inside of her
Just like those flames
That dance with wood
Alternating partners
In the sinister shadows
Of a night
Illuminated by the love
Within her heart.
Across the burnt wood
That smelled of cherry
And spice settled in timbers
Ashes burning like tiger lilies
She sits, entranced
By these flames
That dance around
Switching wood partners
With every leap and bound
Curled up, arms tying her legs
Together in the cold
And dark of the night
Alone but feeling unashamed
Because of the love
That dances inside of her
Just like those flames
That dance with wood
Alternating partners
In the sinister shadows
Of a night
Illuminated by the love
Within her heart.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Why Do I Keep Fallling For You?
Why do I feel like this
How did I let this happen
You are my constant thoughts still
Do you realize how many times...
Or when you say certain things...
I said I was done with empty apologies
Kill me and toss me aside
Execute my heart and mind
Expect me to pick you back up
Pick you up from the depths of hell
Falling faster with every step
Allowing my emotions to reappear
Letting my mind race with questions
Loving is all I can do
I cant hate you
Not sure why, but I can't
Go away, I wish I could make it all just...
Fake myself out?
Or face the reality of heartache and heartbreak
Risking everything within my being for you?
Yet I continue to let you slide
On every wrong and mistake you've made towards me
Understand that my heart only takes so much.
Why Do I Keep Falling For You?
How did I let this happen
You are my constant thoughts still
Do you realize how many times...
Or when you say certain things...
I said I was done with empty apologies
Kill me and toss me aside
Execute my heart and mind
Expect me to pick you back up
Pick you up from the depths of hell
Falling faster with every step
Allowing my emotions to reappear
Letting my mind race with questions
Loving is all I can do
I cant hate you
Not sure why, but I can't
Go away, I wish I could make it all just...
Fake myself out?
Or face the reality of heartache and heartbreak
Risking everything within my being for you?
Yet I continue to let you slide
On every wrong and mistake you've made towards me
Understand that my heart only takes so much.
Why Do I Keep Falling For You?
I Wish
I wish
I could go back
And change the past
Make it like
Nothing happened.
I wish
I knew
If you were being sincere
Or just bluffing
Again.
I wish
I didn't feel this way
The way I used to
And still so
After everything.
I wish
I could put my feelings for you
On the back burner
And burn them
So I couldn't feel them.
I wish
There were an easier way
To say what I feel
And to help you
So you don't go back.
I wish
I could fully believe
That everything would work out
And that you and I
Could be like we used to.
I wish
That I could be around you
Hug you
And tell you I love you
And have it all be the same.
I wish
All at the same time
That my feelings for you
Would go away
But that I could be with you
And that it wouldn't hurt
Either way
But it does
Each and every day.
I wish.
I could go back
And change the past
Make it like
Nothing happened.
I wish
I knew
If you were being sincere
Or just bluffing
Again.
I wish
I didn't feel this way
The way I used to
And still so
After everything.
I wish
I could put my feelings for you
On the back burner
And burn them
So I couldn't feel them.
I wish
There were an easier way
To say what I feel
And to help you
So you don't go back.
I wish
I could fully believe
That everything would work out
And that you and I
Could be like we used to.
I wish
That I could be around you
Hug you
And tell you I love you
And have it all be the same.
I wish
All at the same time
That my feelings for you
Would go away
But that I could be with you
And that it wouldn't hurt
Either way
But it does
Each and every day.
I wish.
See What Had Happened Was
We were
Close
Perfect
Amazing
We were
You left
bridges burned
hearts smashed
minds angry
You left
You came
Back to town
Back to reality
Back to me
You came
You said
You want to change
Done with the drama
You are now praying
You said
You reached
Unexpectedly
Subconsciously
For me
You reached
I grabbed
Your hand
Your heart
Your words
I grabbed
I'm trusting
That you're sincere
That you're on the right past
That you'll give this your all
I'm trusting
I'm hoping
For us both to move forward
For you to see a new you
I can help you
I'm hoping
I'm praying
For my sanity
For my strength
For your salvation
I'm praying
Close
Perfect
Amazing
We were
You left
bridges burned
hearts smashed
minds angry
You left
You came
Back to town
Back to reality
Back to me
You came
You said
You want to change
Done with the drama
You are now praying
You said
You reached
Unexpectedly
Subconsciously
For me
You reached
I grabbed
Your hand
Your heart
Your words
I grabbed
I'm trusting
That you're sincere
That you're on the right past
That you'll give this your all
I'm trusting
I'm hoping
For us both to move forward
For you to see a new you
I can help you
I'm hoping
I'm praying
For my sanity
For my strength
For your salvation
I'm praying
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Another Story
"There's nothing I wouldn't do for one more night-for things to be the way they used to be, you know?" I paused. "Well, I know. I talked to him earlier today..just a few hours ago." Another pause. "Mianna Rae! How many times do I have to-Mykel! Look, I'm gonna have to call you tomorrow, okay? Bye." I hung up my cell and walked into the living room.
"Will you two calm down? I was on the phone with Aunt Taeya." I returned to the kitchen and grabbed the plate of freshly cut granny smith apple slices and the container of caramel dip. I went to the living room and sat down as my two children huddled around me anxious for their bedtime snack. On the floor, Mianna laid on her tummy and tucked her chestnut brown curls behind her ears, while Mykel sat quietly fidgeting on the other side of me.
I opened the dip and they each took one slice as did I. I looked at Mianna and she nodded then spoke:
"Dear Jesus, please bless this food to our bodies so we can be healthy and strong. Amen." I couldn't help but smile. Mianna is only four years old and wants to be an actress. Mykel on the other hand, is now six years of age and wants to be a combat fighter(I wish he would dip in on Mianna's dream and do action movies instead). These two are my inspiration. My reason for living. And oh how cliche it sounds, but it's true. These two are my muses. They inspire every story I write and every poem I jot down in my journal at the end of the day. What would I EVER do without them. It's a question I try not to think on too often.
As we continued eating our apples and caramel, I looked out the big window in front of me where the shades were drawn. I almost jumped to be completely honest. I saw a face and it took me a moment to figure out who it was. A hand waved and my heart went back to it's resting place. I pointed to the side door as I stood and began walking through the kitchen.
I reached the door and opened it(a bit to my surprise might I add) with a dazed and confused smile on my face.
"Hey hun. He began with a smile. "I was in the neighborhood and figured I'd stop by. I saw the kids..are you busy?"
"Oh, no. Uh, I was just getting ready to, um, "I looked down and hid the half-eaten apple slice behind my back quickly. "get them to bed, actually."
"Oh, well, do you want me to come back tomorrow, or..."
"Oh, no it's fine. A friend of mine is here for the night actually. Did you wanna..?" I pointed to the sidewalk out front.
"Do you mind? I was thinking maybe a walk. We could talk and catch up a little. I mean, if that's ok, I don't wanna disturb-"
"It's fine.Hold on, let me get my coat and ask A if she'll put them to bed for me." I hurried into the living room to check on the kids, then up stairs and around the corner into a pale pink room to find Adrea sitting on her plush pink comforter looking through the TV Guide. She looked up at me and smiled.
"Hey Tay, what's up?"
"Um, Tylor's at the door and-"
"Tylor?? You're kidding right? What does he want?"
"He wants to talk. I was actually hoping you might put Mia and Myk to bed for me?" I asked with a cheesy grin on my face.
" Are you sure you wanna do this?" She HAD to ask. As if I wasn't doubting the whole situation in my mind already. I took a deep breath.
"Yes."
"Okay. If this is what you want..."
"Thanks A, you're the best." I ran back down the stairs and grabbed my black sweater off the coat rack.
"Ready?"
"Will you two calm down? I was on the phone with Aunt Taeya." I returned to the kitchen and grabbed the plate of freshly cut granny smith apple slices and the container of caramel dip. I went to the living room and sat down as my two children huddled around me anxious for their bedtime snack. On the floor, Mianna laid on her tummy and tucked her chestnut brown curls behind her ears, while Mykel sat quietly fidgeting on the other side of me.
I opened the dip and they each took one slice as did I. I looked at Mianna and she nodded then spoke:
"Dear Jesus, please bless this food to our bodies so we can be healthy and strong. Amen." I couldn't help but smile. Mianna is only four years old and wants to be an actress. Mykel on the other hand, is now six years of age and wants to be a combat fighter(I wish he would dip in on Mianna's dream and do action movies instead). These two are my inspiration. My reason for living. And oh how cliche it sounds, but it's true. These two are my muses. They inspire every story I write and every poem I jot down in my journal at the end of the day. What would I EVER do without them. It's a question I try not to think on too often.
As we continued eating our apples and caramel, I looked out the big window in front of me where the shades were drawn. I almost jumped to be completely honest. I saw a face and it took me a moment to figure out who it was. A hand waved and my heart went back to it's resting place. I pointed to the side door as I stood and began walking through the kitchen.
I reached the door and opened it(a bit to my surprise might I add) with a dazed and confused smile on my face.
"Hey hun. He began with a smile. "I was in the neighborhood and figured I'd stop by. I saw the kids..are you busy?"
"Oh, no. Uh, I was just getting ready to, um, "I looked down and hid the half-eaten apple slice behind my back quickly. "get them to bed, actually."
"Oh, well, do you want me to come back tomorrow, or..."
"Oh, no it's fine. A friend of mine is here for the night actually. Did you wanna..?" I pointed to the sidewalk out front.
"Do you mind? I was thinking maybe a walk. We could talk and catch up a little. I mean, if that's ok, I don't wanna disturb-"
"It's fine.Hold on, let me get my coat and ask A if she'll put them to bed for me." I hurried into the living room to check on the kids, then up stairs and around the corner into a pale pink room to find Adrea sitting on her plush pink comforter looking through the TV Guide. She looked up at me and smiled.
"Hey Tay, what's up?"
"Um, Tylor's at the door and-"
"Tylor?? You're kidding right? What does he want?"
"He wants to talk. I was actually hoping you might put Mia and Myk to bed for me?" I asked with a cheesy grin on my face.
" Are you sure you wanna do this?" She HAD to ask. As if I wasn't doubting the whole situation in my mind already. I took a deep breath.
"Yes."
"Okay. If this is what you want..."
"Thanks A, you're the best." I ran back down the stairs and grabbed my black sweater off the coat rack.
"Ready?"
Friday, August 21, 2009
Story I'm Writing
CHAPTER 1
Hi, I’m Shayla and I’m 23 years young. I live in Boston, Massachusetts in a huge white house with my husband, Chris, our son Logan, and our yellow lab pup, Jay-Jay. I know it sounds like a good life, but I didn’t think it would turn out quite this way. In my mind it’s a miracle me and Chris were brought together. Let me take you back to when things weren’t so great…
I was 15 years old and in the worst stage of my teenage life. Love. Yes, I know every teenager thinks they’re “in love” at one point or another, but I was totally there and completely buried in it from head to toe. His name, Chris. For those of you wondering, yes. This is the Chris I now call my husband. I talked to him everyday and couldn’t help thinking of him constantly. It seemed all I could do was fall asleep at night and dream of him.
I hadn’t seen him for 2 weeks. For me, an eternity. Usually we see each other about 2 or 3 times a week. It was pure torture. Why? I was visiting my dad in Missouri (the state and I was totally miserable). Then the Thursday before I came back, he left for Georgia. Not fun trying to keep up, but I couldn’t wait until the next day. I would see him at youth group. Yes, in so many ways that youth group and church changed my life. I was anxious and excited. I felt as though my heart was going to tackle him while he was still in Georgia! I wanted to see him so bad.
I skipped to the next best thing. Writing poems, stories, and listening to music that reminded me of him. Yes, I’m a poet. He was an inspiring guy, what could I do? I couldn’t help writing about his gorgeous eyes or loving smile. I mean I could fall asleep in his arms like cozy fire on a harsh winter night. Ok, I’ll admit. I’m also a hopeless romantic when it comes to all this, but what was I to do but fall asleep and wait for Wednesday evening to fly into my life.
CHAPTER 2
The next morning I awoke a little late, but seems how it was summer, I didn’t really care. I lay around for a few hours online waiting to see if he was home yet (knowing he wasn’t). No luck for about an hour so I figured I had other stuff to do. I cleaned up my mess in the living room from the night before (I had fallen asleep watching The Notebook, go figure) and then hopped into the shower. I had skipped breakfast as I do everyday because I figured it would slow me down (from what I didn’t quite know yet). But I turned on the radio while I was in the shower and listened to some station that kept playing love songs. Wasn’t a bad station actually…Anyway, after about a half hour, I hurried out of the bathroom and sat on my bed.
I stopped and looked around. I had forgotten (being gone for 2 weeks) that there was a hanger with pictures on it dangling from the middle of my high, blue ceiling. It contained about 4 or 5 pictures of Chris from different youth events and others from our church. Wow I thought to myself. This seems strange even when I try not to think of him he pops up. But without further thought, I sprang from my bed and fled across my room to my dresser. So many clothes, but what to wear? Was my first thought. Then, I saw my camo Capri’s. I had bought them while in Missouri and figured they’d show off my legs well since I’d been watching my diet lately. I looked down awkwardly, felt my legs, and grabbed my Capri’s.
I threw everything left and right out of my shirt drawer. Finally. I thought to myself as I pulled out my white shirt. I read the front. ARMY it read in large green letters. I picked up all my clothes and quickly began to dress.
My hair. What to do with my hair…I hadn’t planned that out like everything else that was going to happen that day. But how different was this day than any others? Oh, that’s right. I was seeing CHRIS! For the first time in 16 days. (I had counted Monday and Tuesday). That made me even more energized. I wondered if he was this thrilled to see me. I had “asked him out” a few weeks earlier, but then denied that it was me who had messaged him when he replied with this response:
I’m sorry, but I don’t want to lose your friendship if we ever break up. That’s what happened last time I tried to have a relationship with a girl I knew really well. I just think that a friendship that lasts forever is more important than a relationship that lasts a few months.
I knew it was sweet that he had cherished our friendship more than just a fling, but I was in love and it was written all over me. Over the next few weeks I analyzed this trying to find a loophole through all the words. It was hopeless and I knew he meant what he said.
Until a few days later when I thought of something he hadn’t written in it. I went back and looked “YES!” I screamed. I went back and checked a second time just to be sure I wasn’t getting ahead of myself. No, it was real. I knew it. No where what so ever in this document that had just led me to the brightest day of my life, did it say he didn’t feel the same way about me. It seemed to me he could give all the excuses in the world except for that one thing. “I knew it! I knew it!” I exclaimed as I read the message over and over from the small LCD screen of my laptop. It was true, he loved me too.
CHAPTER 3
Later that night, I walked into youth group and peered around the room. I went breathless and almost a bit teary-eyed. My love, my addiction was only about 5 yards away. I brought my head back into the hallway with the rest of me, but my heart stayed in that room. All the sudden I heard a laugh. I knew that laugh and it was getting closer. Soon enough, Chris popped himself into the hall and spoke. “Why are you just chillin out here?”
“I don’t know. I’m bored, why?”
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
“What do you mean?” I was confused and hoped I wasn’t crying or letting a tear drip.
“Your eyes are kinda watery like you’re gonna cry or something.”
I was shocked. I couldn’t let this happen, but at these words, I almost cried. He was concerned.
“Oh, just allergies. You know from spring to summer. That type of thing.” I was hoping he’d buy it. I turned and walked quickly outside. It was raining, so I sat down under the little roof, and cried. About only 30 seconds later I heard the door behind me open. It was Chris. Oh my God! Stop crying stand in the rain! Do something! Don’t let him see you like this! I seemed to scream at myself from my subconscious. He walked up and sat down beside me.
“Allergies, huh? Doesn’t look like allergies to me and don’t even tell me that’s rain all over your cheeks and in your eyes.” He said with a smile. I smiled back. “You know you can trust me.” He told me. I leaned over and gave him a hug. He was a bit drawn back at this, but hugged me back anyway. He gave me a tissue to wipe my nose and another for my face and eyes.
At that moment Beth came outside and looked down on us.
“Is everything okay out here?” She asked gingerly. “We’re about to start.”
“We’re fine. We were just talking.” Chris covered. “We’re coming inside in a few.” We stood up and followed Beth inside.
Hi, I’m Shayla and I’m 23 years young. I live in Boston, Massachusetts in a huge white house with my husband, Chris, our son Logan, and our yellow lab pup, Jay-Jay. I know it sounds like a good life, but I didn’t think it would turn out quite this way. In my mind it’s a miracle me and Chris were brought together. Let me take you back to when things weren’t so great…
I was 15 years old and in the worst stage of my teenage life. Love. Yes, I know every teenager thinks they’re “in love” at one point or another, but I was totally there and completely buried in it from head to toe. His name, Chris. For those of you wondering, yes. This is the Chris I now call my husband. I talked to him everyday and couldn’t help thinking of him constantly. It seemed all I could do was fall asleep at night and dream of him.
I hadn’t seen him for 2 weeks. For me, an eternity. Usually we see each other about 2 or 3 times a week. It was pure torture. Why? I was visiting my dad in Missouri (the state and I was totally miserable). Then the Thursday before I came back, he left for Georgia. Not fun trying to keep up, but I couldn’t wait until the next day. I would see him at youth group. Yes, in so many ways that youth group and church changed my life. I was anxious and excited. I felt as though my heart was going to tackle him while he was still in Georgia! I wanted to see him so bad.
I skipped to the next best thing. Writing poems, stories, and listening to music that reminded me of him. Yes, I’m a poet. He was an inspiring guy, what could I do? I couldn’t help writing about his gorgeous eyes or loving smile. I mean I could fall asleep in his arms like cozy fire on a harsh winter night. Ok, I’ll admit. I’m also a hopeless romantic when it comes to all this, but what was I to do but fall asleep and wait for Wednesday evening to fly into my life.
CHAPTER 2
The next morning I awoke a little late, but seems how it was summer, I didn’t really care. I lay around for a few hours online waiting to see if he was home yet (knowing he wasn’t). No luck for about an hour so I figured I had other stuff to do. I cleaned up my mess in the living room from the night before (I had fallen asleep watching The Notebook, go figure) and then hopped into the shower. I had skipped breakfast as I do everyday because I figured it would slow me down (from what I didn’t quite know yet). But I turned on the radio while I was in the shower and listened to some station that kept playing love songs. Wasn’t a bad station actually…Anyway, after about a half hour, I hurried out of the bathroom and sat on my bed.
I stopped and looked around. I had forgotten (being gone for 2 weeks) that there was a hanger with pictures on it dangling from the middle of my high, blue ceiling. It contained about 4 or 5 pictures of Chris from different youth events and others from our church. Wow I thought to myself. This seems strange even when I try not to think of him he pops up. But without further thought, I sprang from my bed and fled across my room to my dresser. So many clothes, but what to wear? Was my first thought. Then, I saw my camo Capri’s. I had bought them while in Missouri and figured they’d show off my legs well since I’d been watching my diet lately. I looked down awkwardly, felt my legs, and grabbed my Capri’s.
I threw everything left and right out of my shirt drawer. Finally. I thought to myself as I pulled out my white shirt. I read the front. ARMY it read in large green letters. I picked up all my clothes and quickly began to dress.
My hair. What to do with my hair…I hadn’t planned that out like everything else that was going to happen that day. But how different was this day than any others? Oh, that’s right. I was seeing CHRIS! For the first time in 16 days. (I had counted Monday and Tuesday). That made me even more energized. I wondered if he was this thrilled to see me. I had “asked him out” a few weeks earlier, but then denied that it was me who had messaged him when he replied with this response:
I’m sorry, but I don’t want to lose your friendship if we ever break up. That’s what happened last time I tried to have a relationship with a girl I knew really well. I just think that a friendship that lasts forever is more important than a relationship that lasts a few months.
I knew it was sweet that he had cherished our friendship more than just a fling, but I was in love and it was written all over me. Over the next few weeks I analyzed this trying to find a loophole through all the words. It was hopeless and I knew he meant what he said.
Until a few days later when I thought of something he hadn’t written in it. I went back and looked “YES!” I screamed. I went back and checked a second time just to be sure I wasn’t getting ahead of myself. No, it was real. I knew it. No where what so ever in this document that had just led me to the brightest day of my life, did it say he didn’t feel the same way about me. It seemed to me he could give all the excuses in the world except for that one thing. “I knew it! I knew it!” I exclaimed as I read the message over and over from the small LCD screen of my laptop. It was true, he loved me too.
CHAPTER 3
Later that night, I walked into youth group and peered around the room. I went breathless and almost a bit teary-eyed. My love, my addiction was only about 5 yards away. I brought my head back into the hallway with the rest of me, but my heart stayed in that room. All the sudden I heard a laugh. I knew that laugh and it was getting closer. Soon enough, Chris popped himself into the hall and spoke. “Why are you just chillin out here?”
“I don’t know. I’m bored, why?”
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
“What do you mean?” I was confused and hoped I wasn’t crying or letting a tear drip.
“Your eyes are kinda watery like you’re gonna cry or something.”
I was shocked. I couldn’t let this happen, but at these words, I almost cried. He was concerned.
“Oh, just allergies. You know from spring to summer. That type of thing.” I was hoping he’d buy it. I turned and walked quickly outside. It was raining, so I sat down under the little roof, and cried. About only 30 seconds later I heard the door behind me open. It was Chris. Oh my God! Stop crying stand in the rain! Do something! Don’t let him see you like this! I seemed to scream at myself from my subconscious. He walked up and sat down beside me.
“Allergies, huh? Doesn’t look like allergies to me and don’t even tell me that’s rain all over your cheeks and in your eyes.” He said with a smile. I smiled back. “You know you can trust me.” He told me. I leaned over and gave him a hug. He was a bit drawn back at this, but hugged me back anyway. He gave me a tissue to wipe my nose and another for my face and eyes.
At that moment Beth came outside and looked down on us.
“Is everything okay out here?” She asked gingerly. “We’re about to start.”
“We’re fine. We were just talking.” Chris covered. “We’re coming inside in a few.” We stood up and followed Beth inside.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
A Grave Visit(I Miss You)
A long road it seems
Two gravel lines
Tell the tale of visitors before
Driving slowly
Along that gravel road
That has brought so many to tears so many times.
Hop out of the van
Search, look, breathe
The secret unveiled
By a sister so solid
Breathe, walk, breathe
Step, step
Each heartbeat quickens
As gradually I come to a hault
Look, breathe,
Inhale, exhale
Stand.
Pressing waters create heavy eyes
As I hold my waist
Holding back
Myself and my tears
Don't cry
Be strong
Breathe...breathe.
One tear slips
Then millions more
Cover my mouth
Walk, if I can
To mother's side
Where she too, hold's back tears
Hold her while she holds me
My tears are waterfalls
That crash into white rapids
And flow like a flooded ocean.
Can't stop
Have to stop
Won't stop
I can't make them stop
Wipe the eyes
Back away
Look again
Beathe
Just breathe.
Fix the hoody
Compose yourself
Turn and return to the van.
Rumage through my purse
Sharpie
Silver
Paper?
Only papertowels
Write, if I can
Stuff papertowel in pocket
Return to the group.
Stand, if I can
They say goodbye
Watch them walk away
Secure your heart
Breathe
Retrieve the papertowel
Uncrumple it
Read it once more
Pick up one of three angels
Who rest and guard her grave
Place the papertowel under the angel
Put angel back
Look
Try to smile..fail.
Sniffle
Breathe
Walk away
Hop in van
Drive away
Watch her vanish through the back windshield
Breathe
Wipe more tears
Put on music on phone
Come Thou Fount
Piano solo version
Breathe
Look back again
Drive through those black gates
Breathe...breathe.
Envision the papertowel
"I miss you <3 Ebby"
Think, if I can
I miss you...
I miss you.
Two gravel lines
Tell the tale of visitors before
Driving slowly
Along that gravel road
That has brought so many to tears so many times.
Hop out of the van
Search, look, breathe
The secret unveiled
By a sister so solid
Breathe, walk, breathe
Step, step
Each heartbeat quickens
As gradually I come to a hault
Look, breathe,
Inhale, exhale
Stand.
Pressing waters create heavy eyes
As I hold my waist
Holding back
Myself and my tears
Don't cry
Be strong
Breathe...breathe.
One tear slips
Then millions more
Cover my mouth
Walk, if I can
To mother's side
Where she too, hold's back tears
Hold her while she holds me
My tears are waterfalls
That crash into white rapids
And flow like a flooded ocean.
Can't stop
Have to stop
Won't stop
I can't make them stop
Wipe the eyes
Back away
Look again
Beathe
Just breathe.
Fix the hoody
Compose yourself
Turn and return to the van.
Rumage through my purse
Sharpie
Silver
Paper?
Only papertowels
Write, if I can
Stuff papertowel in pocket
Return to the group.
Stand, if I can
They say goodbye
Watch them walk away
Secure your heart
Breathe
Retrieve the papertowel
Uncrumple it
Read it once more
Pick up one of three angels
Who rest and guard her grave
Place the papertowel under the angel
Put angel back
Look
Try to smile..fail.
Sniffle
Breathe
Walk away
Hop in van
Drive away
Watch her vanish through the back windshield
Breathe
Wipe more tears
Put on music on phone
Come Thou Fount
Piano solo version
Breathe
Look back again
Drive through those black gates
Breathe...breathe.
Envision the papertowel
"I miss you <3 Ebby"
Think, if I can
I miss you...
I miss you.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Breathe
Hyper to quiet
Suddenly a change in mood
I walk to the empty room
Sit on the bar stool
Lean my head back against the cabinet
Breathe.
I hear footsteps
You appear at the door
You walk by being completely oblivious
I sigh with relief
Close my eyes for a moment
Breathe.
I walk alone
Entering my worst fear
Trying to avoid conversation with everyone
I approach a black table
I hop up and curl into a ball
Breathe.
I sway myself
Back and forth slowly
You approach with courage and caution
Wrap me in your arms
"I'm always here if you need to talk.
Breathe."
Suddenly a change in mood
I walk to the empty room
Sit on the bar stool
Lean my head back against the cabinet
Breathe.
I hear footsteps
You appear at the door
You walk by being completely oblivious
I sigh with relief
Close my eyes for a moment
Breathe.
I walk alone
Entering my worst fear
Trying to avoid conversation with everyone
I approach a black table
I hop up and curl into a ball
Breathe.
I sway myself
Back and forth slowly
You approach with courage and caution
Wrap me in your arms
"I'm always here if you need to talk.
Breathe."
Together
I sit
Bored, anxious, ready.
I stand, impatiently
Waiting.
My heads bobs
Side to side.
My fingers snap
In sync with head bobs.
My mouth opens
Words and lyrics pour out.
A sweet, steady tune
You look my way.
I catch your attention
Without any knowledge.
I continue my song
You stare in awe.
Time passes
I hold an end note.
I cut off
Done.
I turn
Meet your gaze.
I smile nervously
Not aware of your hypnotism.
You smile
"She got attitude!"
You tell the room
"She can SING!"
I stand in shock
As you admit I should be on stage.
I as Dorothy
Running the show.
You approach
I freeze.
An arm around my shoulder
A kiss on the head.
Two smiles
One flash.
One hug
Two hearts.
You pull me in tight
My head on your chest.
We walk
You hold me
And I feel invincible.
Bored, anxious, ready.
I stand, impatiently
Waiting.
My heads bobs
Side to side.
My fingers snap
In sync with head bobs.
My mouth opens
Words and lyrics pour out.
A sweet, steady tune
You look my way.
I catch your attention
Without any knowledge.
I continue my song
You stare in awe.
Time passes
I hold an end note.
I cut off
Done.
I turn
Meet your gaze.
I smile nervously
Not aware of your hypnotism.
You smile
"She got attitude!"
You tell the room
"She can SING!"
I stand in shock
As you admit I should be on stage.
I as Dorothy
Running the show.
You approach
I freeze.
An arm around my shoulder
A kiss on the head.
Two smiles
One flash.
One hug
Two hearts.
You pull me in tight
My head on your chest.
We walk
You hold me
And I feel invincible.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Over and Over
Over and over
Degraded, belittled, and unnoticed
You take me as a rug
And walk all over me
There's nothing more I can do
Than just sit by and watch it all happen
That time has passed
And I'm stepping up
I won't take this anymore
Something within me
Continues to lie down
Let you get under my skin
But it's over
And I' done
All that you've done to me
You continue to mock me
But no more will I allow it
You will be shut down
And ave no power over me
No ability to kill me inside.
Degraded, belittled, and unnoticed
You take me as a rug
And walk all over me
There's nothing more I can do
Than just sit by and watch it all happen
That time has passed
And I'm stepping up
I won't take this anymore
Something within me
Continues to lie down
Let you get under my skin
But it's over
And I' done
All that you've done to me
You continue to mock me
But no more will I allow it
You will be shut down
And ave no power over me
No ability to kill me inside.
Unity
Hands intertwined
Hands being laid
The unity of strangers
Glory hovers in the air above
They stand amongst one another
They shake and convulse
Tears from destruction
Of walls they've build
Gathered together in the Spirit.
Hands being laid
The unity of strangers
Glory hovers in the air above
They stand amongst one another
They shake and convulse
Tears from destruction
Of walls they've build
Gathered together in the Spirit.
Sinking Quickly
Why do I feel so heavy
So weighed down
As if the world sits upon my shoulders
As if a ball and chain are connected at my feet?
I should feel weightless
Like a feather
completely relaxed
In the presence of the Lord.
I guess this me
It's who I am
Held down by a world of bricks
And sicking quickly.
So weighed down
As if the world sits upon my shoulders
As if a ball and chain are connected at my feet?
I should feel weightless
Like a feather
completely relaxed
In the presence of the Lord.
I guess this me
It's who I am
Held down by a world of bricks
And sicking quickly.
Worship
Flags flying
People jumping
The music plays.
The quarter notes leap
As the cymbals dance.
Hands are lifted
High above their reaching point.
Hands are clapping
Praise to the Holiest
God above all.
Shouts of thanks
Screams of worship
Cries of love and laughter.
The lights are dim
Voices are raised.
People jumping
The music plays.
The quarter notes leap
As the cymbals dance.
Hands are lifted
High above their reaching point.
Hands are clapping
Praise to the Holiest
God above all.
Shouts of thanks
Screams of worship
Cries of love and laughter.
The lights are dim
Voices are raised.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Where to Start
In the door and up the stairs
Tis there I did believe
Around the corner there was a room
Waiting just for me.
I walked right through the threshold
And pounced upon the bed
I grabbed a pillow in my hands
And in it buried my head.
As I fought to hold back tears
The doorknob started to turn
The door had opened just a bit
To reveal a face so stern.
His face suddenly loosened
To show me he wasn't just a man
But a father watching over me
A man trying truly to understand.
A few words were exchanged in quiet
“Last night you gave me a scare”
I looked him in the eye to respond
“It's nothing new or rare.”
He hangs his head to his chest
And wishes with all his heart
He could help me take the pain away
But he doesn't know where to start.
Tis there I did believe
Around the corner there was a room
Waiting just for me.
I walked right through the threshold
And pounced upon the bed
I grabbed a pillow in my hands
And in it buried my head.
As I fought to hold back tears
The doorknob started to turn
The door had opened just a bit
To reveal a face so stern.
His face suddenly loosened
To show me he wasn't just a man
But a father watching over me
A man trying truly to understand.
A few words were exchanged in quiet
“Last night you gave me a scare”
I looked him in the eye to respond
“It's nothing new or rare.”
He hangs his head to his chest
And wishes with all his heart
He could help me take the pain away
But he doesn't know where to start.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
If Only I Knew
My world is hangin upside down,
Lonely and confused.
I just can't seem to figure out,
Which is really you.
When we're alone you talk to me,
Just like it's only me that you adore.
But in with all the many crowds,
It's me you do ignore.
I'm at a loss for everything,
I don't know what to do.
I wish you'd act like yourself,
Show us all the REAL you.
You're like the perfect stranger,
No one knows who you are.
One person with your friends,
Another when we're chillin in the car.
If only I could figure out,
And just know what to do.
If only you would show us all,
Just which side is the real you.
By:Me Date:Sept. 3, 2007 Age:15
Lonely and confused.
I just can't seem to figure out,
Which is really you.
When we're alone you talk to me,
Just like it's only me that you adore.
But in with all the many crowds,
It's me you do ignore.
I'm at a loss for everything,
I don't know what to do.
I wish you'd act like yourself,
Show us all the REAL you.
You're like the perfect stranger,
No one knows who you are.
One person with your friends,
Another when we're chillin in the car.
If only I could figure out,
And just know what to do.
If only you would show us all,
Just which side is the real you.
By:Me Date:Sept. 3, 2007 Age:15
When I Feel Cold
Baby there's so much I wanna tell you,
But there's only so much my heart will let me say.
I've been hurt in the past,
And all that's tempting my to just walk away.
In my mind I'm more than confused,
But In my heart I love you still.
What you've put me through,
It's all just another excuse to make me ill.
You keep apologizing for stupid little things,
But all I want it this;
For you to be there for me when I need you most,
Give me a hug & take the time to notice.
We're too close to let something like this fail on us,
So show me some love.
I'm sure we can make it through,
As long as we keep looking above.
If you can touch my heart,
If you can touch my soul;
Make sure you're there for me,
Whenever I feel cold.
But there's only so much my heart will let me say.
I've been hurt in the past,
And all that's tempting my to just walk away.
In my mind I'm more than confused,
But In my heart I love you still.
What you've put me through,
It's all just another excuse to make me ill.
You keep apologizing for stupid little things,
But all I want it this;
For you to be there for me when I need you most,
Give me a hug & take the time to notice.
We're too close to let something like this fail on us,
So show me some love.
I'm sure we can make it through,
As long as we keep looking above.
If you can touch my heart,
If you can touch my soul;
Make sure you're there for me,
Whenever I feel cold.
Untitled
How is it,
That you're the only one who ever understands?
Why does my heart still love you,
When I don't know what you think of me?
You are always there for me,
Even when I seem 'stand-offish'.
The only one my heart can talk to,
Is also the only one who can tear me down and build me back up.
Will you be there for me,
Or will you let me fall all on my own?
You know what I'm thinking,
Even when everyone else is confused.
My love can't let you go,
But my mind is telling me to leave.
Could you say everything will be ok,
Could you take my hand and lead me?
Because this time I promise,
When you hold out your hand,
I'll take it and never let go.
That you're the only one who ever understands?
Why does my heart still love you,
When I don't know what you think of me?
You are always there for me,
Even when I seem 'stand-offish'.
The only one my heart can talk to,
Is also the only one who can tear me down and build me back up.
Will you be there for me,
Or will you let me fall all on my own?
You know what I'm thinking,
Even when everyone else is confused.
My love can't let you go,
But my mind is telling me to leave.
Could you say everything will be ok,
Could you take my hand and lead me?
Because this time I promise,
When you hold out your hand,
I'll take it and never let go.
Remember?
Remember when it rained,
When the volcanoes were quiet,
How the flowers grew?
Remember how high the birds soared,
How the ocean flowed,
And the grass grew?
Remember how the sun rose,
When the wind blew,
The trees swayed?
Remember when the mountains stood,
The fires burned,
How the stars came out?
Remember how the moon shined,
How the leaves would glide,
And when the rainbows had color?
Remember when the planets alligned,
Remember when the clouds parted?
I remember,
Because that's when it was you and I.
When the volcanoes were quiet,
How the flowers grew?
Remember how high the birds soared,
How the ocean flowed,
And the grass grew?
Remember how the sun rose,
When the wind blew,
The trees swayed?
Remember when the mountains stood,
The fires burned,
How the stars came out?
Remember how the moon shined,
How the leaves would glide,
And when the rainbows had color?
Remember when the planets alligned,
Remember when the clouds parted?
I remember,
Because that's when it was you and I.
Thank You
I lay in the quiet,
The gentle sound of Iris,
Lullying my aches away.
The darkness closes in,
But the light of your words,
Form a shield around me.
The arms of God hold me tight,
As you speak of strength and enpowerment,
I can feel the healing take over.
Your words are encouraging,
They are easy to digest,
And keep my sanity alive.
My faith rises with the dawn or morn,
The numbers on the clock climb higher and higher,
Cares are flying out the window.
Weightless and surrounded by angels,
Head resting on strong shoulders,
My being hoovering in the Heavens.
Thank you for lending me your strength,
Thank you for being there with me all night,
Thank you for being everything a best friend should be!
The gentle sound of Iris,
Lullying my aches away.
The darkness closes in,
But the light of your words,
Form a shield around me.
The arms of God hold me tight,
As you speak of strength and enpowerment,
I can feel the healing take over.
Your words are encouraging,
They are easy to digest,
And keep my sanity alive.
My faith rises with the dawn or morn,
The numbers on the clock climb higher and higher,
Cares are flying out the window.
Weightless and surrounded by angels,
Head resting on strong shoulders,
My being hoovering in the Heavens.
Thank you for lending me your strength,
Thank you for being there with me all night,
Thank you for being everything a best friend should be!
Angel
With the eyes of an angel you can see into my soul,
Look right through me & know my every flaw.
With the touch of an angel you can calm me,
Feel my ever changing heartbeat & heal my wounds.
With the wings of an angel you lift me when I'm down,
Transport me to a safe haven & guide my every step.
With the arms of an angel you carry me when I'm weak,
Catch me when I fall & hold me when I'm sick.
With the mind of an angel you know just what to say,
Know my feelings & follow my very thoughts.
With the grace of an angel you are swift by my side,
In sync with my steps & keep me from stumbling.
With the faith of an angel you always encourage me,
Raise my self-esteem and give me hope and trust.
With the care of an angel you put me to bed,
Watch over my being & help me through hard times.
With the love of an angel you gentely kiss my lips,
Hug me and hold me tight & keep me safe by your side.
You are my angel as I am yours,
All these things & more, I know you're sent from above.
Look right through me & know my every flaw.
With the touch of an angel you can calm me,
Feel my ever changing heartbeat & heal my wounds.
With the wings of an angel you lift me when I'm down,
Transport me to a safe haven & guide my every step.
With the arms of an angel you carry me when I'm weak,
Catch me when I fall & hold me when I'm sick.
With the mind of an angel you know just what to say,
Know my feelings & follow my very thoughts.
With the grace of an angel you are swift by my side,
In sync with my steps & keep me from stumbling.
With the faith of an angel you always encourage me,
Raise my self-esteem and give me hope and trust.
With the care of an angel you put me to bed,
Watch over my being & help me through hard times.
With the love of an angel you gentely kiss my lips,
Hug me and hold me tight & keep me safe by your side.
You are my angel as I am yours,
All these things & more, I know you're sent from above.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Letter to My "Father"
Dear Father,
I have so much to say to you. I would like to start out by saying thank you so much for being there my whole life.I mean, I really appreciate the fact that you left when I was two months old. Because of your fantabulous decision to leave I hope you enjoy watching me sit quietly at your funeral as I will have no memories to share nor good thoughts of you. A man who leaves his wife to raise three little girls when his youngest is two months old? And you expect people to respect you as a man and even as a PASTOR? I'd like to ask you to take a step into my shoes right quick. Look at yourself from my perspective.Would you respect yourself? Think long and hard on that.
I'd also like to tell you that my life is my own and I definitely don't want any input from a man who left his own family and ran around screwin anything with a vag. I will do what I want with my life whether you like it or not. If I wanna be back in my own state for my sister's birthday, I will be. Education may be important but my family is important too. Maybe if you stuck around long enough after I was born you might know that. AND not to mention that whether I'm top or not, if people are my real friends they'll love me regardless of who I am and what I'm doing and how successful I am. If I turn out to be a noboby, it's nice to know that my own father will shun me and forget that I exist. Awesome. Way to be an asshole. Whatever. I don't need you. All you do is bring even more negativity to my life and that's the last thing I need. What the hell. Every time I talk to you I find myself even more disgusted with you than the last time we spoke which is only every 4 months anyway.
Oh, almost forgot. What the hell kind of pastor are you and who the hell ordained you? As a pastor, and a Christian, you are called to love everyone. You are called to help "the least of these" and not to judge. Every time I speak with one of my MANY gay best friends, I think of a little story you told me. The one where two gay guys got into your cab and you kicked them out because they were kissing. WHAT THE HELL! Who are you to judge? You know what? Who are YOU to judge? Who are you to tell someone else that the way they're living is wrong? Only God can judge and as much as you;d like to believe it, you're not Him. Get over it and move on. Love everyone and save yourself grief. Why do you hate them? What have they ever done to you? And even if they have wronged you somehow, two wrongs don't make a right. As a pastor you should be all for forgiveness. Move on! Ugh. You disgust me and make me want to barf. I hope you've had fun ruining the life of your only child that actually still talks to you. Good job asshole. Way to be. You're a terrible pastor and a horrendous father. I hope you're happy.
I have so much to say to you. I would like to start out by saying thank you so much for being there my whole life.I mean, I really appreciate the fact that you left when I was two months old. Because of your fantabulous decision to leave I hope you enjoy watching me sit quietly at your funeral as I will have no memories to share nor good thoughts of you. A man who leaves his wife to raise three little girls when his youngest is two months old? And you expect people to respect you as a man and even as a PASTOR? I'd like to ask you to take a step into my shoes right quick. Look at yourself from my perspective.Would you respect yourself? Think long and hard on that.
I'd also like to tell you that my life is my own and I definitely don't want any input from a man who left his own family and ran around screwin anything with a vag. I will do what I want with my life whether you like it or not. If I wanna be back in my own state for my sister's birthday, I will be. Education may be important but my family is important too. Maybe if you stuck around long enough after I was born you might know that. AND not to mention that whether I'm top or not, if people are my real friends they'll love me regardless of who I am and what I'm doing and how successful I am. If I turn out to be a noboby, it's nice to know that my own father will shun me and forget that I exist. Awesome. Way to be an asshole. Whatever. I don't need you. All you do is bring even more negativity to my life and that's the last thing I need. What the hell. Every time I talk to you I find myself even more disgusted with you than the last time we spoke which is only every 4 months anyway.
Oh, almost forgot. What the hell kind of pastor are you and who the hell ordained you? As a pastor, and a Christian, you are called to love everyone. You are called to help "the least of these" and not to judge. Every time I speak with one of my MANY gay best friends, I think of a little story you told me. The one where two gay guys got into your cab and you kicked them out because they were kissing. WHAT THE HELL! Who are you to judge? You know what? Who are YOU to judge? Who are you to tell someone else that the way they're living is wrong? Only God can judge and as much as you;d like to believe it, you're not Him. Get over it and move on. Love everyone and save yourself grief. Why do you hate them? What have they ever done to you? And even if they have wronged you somehow, two wrongs don't make a right. As a pastor you should be all for forgiveness. Move on! Ugh. You disgust me and make me want to barf. I hope you've had fun ruining the life of your only child that actually still talks to you. Good job asshole. Way to be. You're a terrible pastor and a horrendous father. I hope you're happy.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Trying
Trying to be strong
Trying to hide every emotion
Trying to feel no pain
But I feel it still.
Trying to shake moods
Trying to be happy
Trying to clear tear-clouded eyes
But I'm blinded still.
Trying to move on
Trying to make new memories
Trying to forget
But I remember still.
Trying to become new
Trying to be a better person
Trying to remove who I've been
But I'm there still.
Trying to close up my soul
Trying to heal these wounds
Trying to sew up my heart
But I bleed still.
Trying to contain myself
Trying to train thoughts
Trying to shut my mouth
But I speak still.
Trying to open up
Trying to let it out
Trying to reach out
But I wall-up still.
Trying to run faster
Trying to succeed
Trying to jump hurdles
But I fall still.
Trying to stay closed-up
Trying to not trust
Trying to accept defeat
Trying to let blood escape
Trying to be my old self
Trying to be weak
Trying to hold onto depression
And I do still.
Trying to hide every emotion
Trying to feel no pain
But I feel it still.
Trying to shake moods
Trying to be happy
Trying to clear tear-clouded eyes
But I'm blinded still.
Trying to move on
Trying to make new memories
Trying to forget
But I remember still.
Trying to become new
Trying to be a better person
Trying to remove who I've been
But I'm there still.
Trying to close up my soul
Trying to heal these wounds
Trying to sew up my heart
But I bleed still.
Trying to contain myself
Trying to train thoughts
Trying to shut my mouth
But I speak still.
Trying to open up
Trying to let it out
Trying to reach out
But I wall-up still.
Trying to run faster
Trying to succeed
Trying to jump hurdles
But I fall still.
Trying to stay closed-up
Trying to not trust
Trying to accept defeat
Trying to let blood escape
Trying to be my old self
Trying to be weak
Trying to hold onto depression
And I do still.
Right Now
Head throbs
Mind races
Questions fly
Head Whirls.
Heart sinks
Thoughts hurt
Body aches
Logic dies.
Walls reconstruct
Mouth shuts
Hands crack
Eyes water.
Everything spins
Nothing goes
Life speeds
Music plays.
Mind races
Questions fly
Head Whirls.
Heart sinks
Thoughts hurt
Body aches
Logic dies.
Walls reconstruct
Mouth shuts
Hands crack
Eyes water.
Everything spins
Nothing goes
Life speeds
Music plays.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
It's Been a While
It's been a while
Since I could kick back
Since I could relax
Since I had nothing to worry about.
It's been a while
Since I knew right from wrong
Since I knew what to do
Since the world let me be me.
It's been a while
Since I had a family
Since I belonged
Since I've had a place to call "home".
It's been a while
Since I made my decisions
Since I knew what I wanted
Since I had independence.
It's been a while
Since I had a passion
Since I had anything meaningful
Since I had a life to live.
It's been a while since I've been happy.
Since I could kick back
Since I could relax
Since I had nothing to worry about.
It's been a while
Since I knew right from wrong
Since I knew what to do
Since the world let me be me.
It's been a while
Since I had a family
Since I belonged
Since I've had a place to call "home".
It's been a while
Since I made my decisions
Since I knew what I wanted
Since I had independence.
It's been a while
Since I had a passion
Since I had anything meaningful
Since I had a life to live.
It's been a while since I've been happy.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Storm
Thunder rolls
Crackling in the air
Barreling and closing in
Powering through it's obstacles.
Lightning strikes
Brightly lighting the paths
Slashing and breaking the sky
Slithering around the clouds.
Crackling in the air
Barreling and closing in
Powering through it's obstacles.
Lightning strikes
Brightly lighting the paths
Slashing and breaking the sky
Slithering around the clouds.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Breaking
Here I lie with no more fears,
Sprawled out on a mattress of blood and tears.
Holding tight to my teddy that I loved so dear,
The only thing that got me through all of the years.
I see no future and only my past,
So much a cherade and horrible mask.
Look in the mirror I'm fading fast,
Drawing in breath hopin this one's my last.
Sprawled out on a mattress of blood and tears.
Holding tight to my teddy that I loved so dear,
The only thing that got me through all of the years.
I see no future and only my past,
So much a cherade and horrible mask.
Look in the mirror I'm fading fast,
Drawing in breath hopin this one's my last.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
A Year Apart
Saying our goodbyes
While looking into your eyes
Feeling my heart as it dies
Watching as even the rain cries.
What were we to do
I would always miss you
Knowing you would miss me too
How were we to make it through?
Will I want to run and dart
Will it be a brand new start
How will I feel in my heart
After spending a year apart?
While looking into your eyes
Feeling my heart as it dies
Watching as even the rain cries.
What were we to do
I would always miss you
Knowing you would miss me too
How were we to make it through?
Will I want to run and dart
Will it be a brand new start
How will I feel in my heart
After spending a year apart?
Monday, April 27, 2009
I Miss Me
Soooo...I'm just gonna say this. I miss me. Like, I've left behind everything I was and I'm kinda hating it. I wish I could get me back. I didn't try to leave myself for this...this...thing I've become, but it happened. Shit happens. And I hate that fact of life. That and Murphy's Law cuz that shit always gets me. But that's another blog, for another day.
Now that the weather is getting nicer, I just wanna drop everything I have to do and go relax. Get me? Yea. I was such an amazing person. Completely connected with nature and more carefree. I had time. I had hobbies. I explored. I discovered things and then showed everyone else. I was so proud because no one else knew what I knew.
Now I'm stuck in the same old, same old. Nothing new. Nothing to discover. I've picked this land apart and now I wanna move on. There's so much more to know, explore, discover, build, appreciate, photograph, love, nurture. Ya know?? I miss my life. I miss me. If anyone happens to see me passing by, let me know so I can kidnap me. I'd like to be me again, if that's okay with the world...
Now that the weather is getting nicer, I just wanna drop everything I have to do and go relax. Get me? Yea. I was such an amazing person. Completely connected with nature and more carefree. I had time. I had hobbies. I explored. I discovered things and then showed everyone else. I was so proud because no one else knew what I knew.
Now I'm stuck in the same old, same old. Nothing new. Nothing to discover. I've picked this land apart and now I wanna move on. There's so much more to know, explore, discover, build, appreciate, photograph, love, nurture. Ya know?? I miss my life. I miss me. If anyone happens to see me passing by, let me know so I can kidnap me. I'd like to be me again, if that's okay with the world...
Sunday, April 26, 2009
The Process of Shattering
Late.
She sits in bed
Crying tears of loss
These bridges burn so easily.
Alone.
She hugs tightly a teddy
Worn and old
Her best friend.
Breaking.
Tears flow like a waterfall
She takes deep breaths
Not able to contain her emotions.
Thinking.
Her mind races
Too fast to keep up with
She trembles and begins to shake.
Hearing.
She listens to footsteps
Outside her bedroom door
Hoping no intruders trespass.
Bowing.
Her head falls down
Into her anxiously awaiting hands
That seem so fragile and unstable.
Seeing.
Blurred by the tears
Slowly she closes her eyes
Hoping she can escape.
Shattering.
Broken on the floor
She lies in her own crimson blood
The pieces scattered and thrown away.
She sits in bed
Crying tears of loss
These bridges burn so easily.
Alone.
She hugs tightly a teddy
Worn and old
Her best friend.
Breaking.
Tears flow like a waterfall
She takes deep breaths
Not able to contain her emotions.
Thinking.
Her mind races
Too fast to keep up with
She trembles and begins to shake.
Hearing.
She listens to footsteps
Outside her bedroom door
Hoping no intruders trespass.
Bowing.
Her head falls down
Into her anxiously awaiting hands
That seem so fragile and unstable.
Seeing.
Blurred by the tears
Slowly she closes her eyes
Hoping she can escape.
Shattering.
Broken on the floor
She lies in her own crimson blood
The pieces scattered and thrown away.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
When Will You come Back to Me
I love you
But I shouldn't
I tried to let you go
But I couldn't.
We were everything
Remembering how we cuddled
Outside on the back porch
All night together we huddled.
I really wanna change this
I want you back so bad
But now you're taken and happy
I miss what we had.
Everytime we hugged
Everytime we kissed
You'd smile and hold me tight
To let me know I'd be missed.
But now that's all gone
I wish I could make you see
We belong in each others arms
When will you come back to me?
But I shouldn't
I tried to let you go
But I couldn't.
We were everything
Remembering how we cuddled
Outside on the back porch
All night together we huddled.
I really wanna change this
I want you back so bad
But now you're taken and happy
I miss what we had.
Everytime we hugged
Everytime we kissed
You'd smile and hold me tight
To let me know I'd be missed.
But now that's all gone
I wish I could make you see
We belong in each others arms
When will you come back to me?
Monday, April 20, 2009
Confession
A late night cry
A tug at her heart
A light shines brightly
Finding words to start.
Simply "I'm Sorry"
That's all she can say
Confused and befuddled
He begins questioning away.
For her past and her future
All she's done and yet to do
He laughs at her childishly
"I would still love you."
"I have a confession
I think you should know
Don't tell anyone
Nobody knows though."
I've tried before
I can't lie
"Recently?" he asks
"How many times?"
"October" she says
"Twice" she replies
He waits awhile
To him it's no surprise.
She sobs and cries
These thoughts are nothing new
"I need to go to sleep
Tomorrow will I see you?"
Another day awaiting
Fake it through another church session
"I honestly couldn't tell ya"
And she ends another confession.
A tug at her heart
A light shines brightly
Finding words to start.
Simply "I'm Sorry"
That's all she can say
Confused and befuddled
He begins questioning away.
For her past and her future
All she's done and yet to do
He laughs at her childishly
"I would still love you."
"I have a confession
I think you should know
Don't tell anyone
Nobody knows though."
I've tried before
I can't lie
"Recently?" he asks
"How many times?"
"October" she says
"Twice" she replies
He waits awhile
To him it's no surprise.
She sobs and cries
These thoughts are nothing new
"I need to go to sleep
Tomorrow will I see you?"
Another day awaiting
Fake it through another church session
"I honestly couldn't tell ya"
And she ends another confession.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Nothingness
So, there is nothing inside of me. No feeling, no emotion, no pain, no joy. Nothing. Just numbness. My torso is as cold as the chills in winter, but my mind races so fast it feels as though it's aflame. I don't really know what put me here. Or how I got here for that matter. Oh wait. I do. It's this thing called life.
See now, life likes to screw me over as much as possible. But it's all good. I'm a good person to screw over...until it all takes the biggest turn for the worst that history's ever seen. Over the past 3 to 4 months my life has cracked, split, broken, and shattered to pieces right before my very eyes. But no one has any knowledge of this. No one but me. In a sense it's comforting, but at the same time it makes me feel incredibly lonely.
I think there was a point when I hit an alltime low, but I try to keep it hidden. It's hard sometimes. There are certain things I think it would be okay to tell people, but then I know they wouldn't understand and I think it stupid of myself to even think they would begin to get it.
Inside, my blood races an ice cold flood, but on the outside, it's not as obvious to the world as it is to me. I look in the mirror and I see black eyes. A fake smile. Pretend happiness. Circles under my eyes from sleepless nights and a soulless being staring back at me. I'm not really sure who I am anymore. I'm not quite sure I ever really did know who I was.
I've discovered this: I can ask my friends if I seem myself and they will answer yes or no; People will tell me I'm "not being myself"; and people always say they know me. But how. That's my question. If I don't even know who I am, how does everyone else in the world seem to know? I haven't quite come to a logical conclusion on that yet. I figure I never really will.
But in the long run of things I see myself in a place where I seem to be in a hole and everyone I know just keeps making that hole deeper and wider. It's almost as if I can see a light at the top and hear my name being called, but then I realize it's just a hallucination and I crawl back into the fetal position and try to keep my sanity that has already been long gone and drifted away.
It's just kind of a whatever thing now, I suppose. I want to say I just needed to vent; but there's venting, and then there's just being flat out truthful and laying it all out on a thin, limp, mustard-yellow platter. So there you have it. All my rotten eggs in one mossy-green basket. A whole lot more, but nothing less. My life is nothingness.
xoxo, eBay
See now, life likes to screw me over as much as possible. But it's all good. I'm a good person to screw over...until it all takes the biggest turn for the worst that history's ever seen. Over the past 3 to 4 months my life has cracked, split, broken, and shattered to pieces right before my very eyes. But no one has any knowledge of this. No one but me. In a sense it's comforting, but at the same time it makes me feel incredibly lonely.
I think there was a point when I hit an alltime low, but I try to keep it hidden. It's hard sometimes. There are certain things I think it would be okay to tell people, but then I know they wouldn't understand and I think it stupid of myself to even think they would begin to get it.
Inside, my blood races an ice cold flood, but on the outside, it's not as obvious to the world as it is to me. I look in the mirror and I see black eyes. A fake smile. Pretend happiness. Circles under my eyes from sleepless nights and a soulless being staring back at me. I'm not really sure who I am anymore. I'm not quite sure I ever really did know who I was.
I've discovered this: I can ask my friends if I seem myself and they will answer yes or no; People will tell me I'm "not being myself"; and people always say they know me. But how. That's my question. If I don't even know who I am, how does everyone else in the world seem to know? I haven't quite come to a logical conclusion on that yet. I figure I never really will.
But in the long run of things I see myself in a place where I seem to be in a hole and everyone I know just keeps making that hole deeper and wider. It's almost as if I can see a light at the top and hear my name being called, but then I realize it's just a hallucination and I crawl back into the fetal position and try to keep my sanity that has already been long gone and drifted away.
It's just kind of a whatever thing now, I suppose. I want to say I just needed to vent; but there's venting, and then there's just being flat out truthful and laying it all out on a thin, limp, mustard-yellow platter. So there you have it. All my rotten eggs in one mossy-green basket. A whole lot more, but nothing less. My life is nothingness.
xoxo, eBay
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Through It All
Through all the pain,
She can smile,
But only for a little while.
Through all the hate,
She can endure,
As long as there's an escaping door.
Through all the heartche,
She can love,
Only because of God above.
Through all the fighting,
She can hold her tongue,
Almost as if she isn't young.
Through all the darkness,
She can see,
As long as there's an angel lead.
Through all the gossip,
She can hear,
Only if the truth is near.
Through all the weakness,
She can be strong,
But only when the road's not long.
Through all the pressure,
She can be calm,
Only with someone holding her palm.
Through all the tears,
She can speak,
As long as her listeners are meek.
xoxo
She can smile,
But only for a little while.
Through all the hate,
She can endure,
As long as there's an escaping door.
Through all the heartche,
She can love,
Only because of God above.
Through all the fighting,
She can hold her tongue,
Almost as if she isn't young.
Through all the darkness,
She can see,
As long as there's an angel lead.
Through all the gossip,
She can hear,
Only if the truth is near.
Through all the weakness,
She can be strong,
But only when the road's not long.
Through all the pressure,
She can be calm,
Only with someone holding her palm.
Through all the tears,
She can speak,
As long as her listeners are meek.
xoxo
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Tonight
Ok. New plan. Tonight.
I can't do this another day. Not another minute, not another second. I'm leaving tonight. I have to. It's something I have to do. Pack my bags and sneak out the window. They'll never know. I'll be on my way. Not sure where I'll end up, but it's got to be better than here. That's all I've got to say. Goodbye.
I can't do this another day. Not another minute, not another second. I'm leaving tonight. I have to. It's something I have to do. Pack my bags and sneak out the window. They'll never know. I'll be on my way. Not sure where I'll end up, but it's got to be better than here. That's all I've got to say. Goodbye.
Hell on Earth
Pushed around
Degraded, berated
Pulled apart
Altogether irritated.
She's been there
Done that
Seen it all
Life doesn't have censors.
Why does she stand it
She doesn't know
So she walked away
Had nothing more to say.
She didn't wanna hear it
Couldn't do it
She fell to the ground
And began to cry.
Leaving everything behind
Couldn't look back
For fear of return
To a life of hell on earth.
Degraded, berated
Pulled apart
Altogether irritated.
She's been there
Done that
Seen it all
Life doesn't have censors.
Why does she stand it
She doesn't know
So she walked away
Had nothing more to say.
She didn't wanna hear it
Couldn't do it
She fell to the ground
And began to cry.
Leaving everything behind
Couldn't look back
For fear of return
To a life of hell on earth.
Friday, February 27, 2009
The Pull of Your Gravity
In the corners of my mind
I run far away from you
Yet in the shadows of my heart
I sit and wait for you.
You may not know it
But you hold my heart
Within your mind
Possibly next to your heart.
I stand still and feel your arms
Look into the depths of your soul
See your eyes in mine
I lose myself.
You take my hand
You spin me around
We smile and laugh
There's nothing we can't do.
Hold me close to you
Tightly, never let me go
We sway back and forth slowly
Your grip tightens around my waist.
Somehow we always end up this way
In the end of it all
Always the same and never changing
How long will we continue like this?
You let me free
Yet my heart never wanders
It's binded to yours
But do you even know?
You always pull me back in
As the tide does the sand
But I fall for it every time
My mind runs but my heart lingers.
Your lips touch mine
Gently, softly, slowly, and surely
Why do I keep coming back to you
I'm really starting to hate the pull of your gravity.
I run far away from you
Yet in the shadows of my heart
I sit and wait for you.
You may not know it
But you hold my heart
Within your mind
Possibly next to your heart.
I stand still and feel your arms
Look into the depths of your soul
See your eyes in mine
I lose myself.
You take my hand
You spin me around
We smile and laugh
There's nothing we can't do.
Hold me close to you
Tightly, never let me go
We sway back and forth slowly
Your grip tightens around my waist.
Somehow we always end up this way
In the end of it all
Always the same and never changing
How long will we continue like this?
You let me free
Yet my heart never wanders
It's binded to yours
But do you even know?
You always pull me back in
As the tide does the sand
But I fall for it every time
My mind runs but my heart lingers.
Your lips touch mine
Gently, softly, slowly, and surely
Why do I keep coming back to you
I'm really starting to hate the pull of your gravity.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
I
I stand
Heavy with sleep
In a mood of carelessness
Knees weak with sleeplessness.
I feel
A gentle touch
A head on my shoulder
Arms wrapped around my waist.
I smile
Look at him
See his eyes meet mine
Feel his grip on me tighten.
I watch
See him smile
His glance to me
Closing his eyes and leaning in.
**MORE OF THIS POEM TO COME LATER TONIGHT.**
Heavy with sleep
In a mood of carelessness
Knees weak with sleeplessness.
I feel
A gentle touch
A head on my shoulder
Arms wrapped around my waist.
I smile
Look at him
See his eyes meet mine
Feel his grip on me tighten.
I watch
See him smile
His glance to me
Closing his eyes and leaning in.
**MORE OF THIS POEM TO COME LATER TONIGHT.**
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
What Happens in the Darkness
She lies awake
Her heart slowly beating
Awaiting now the break
At her soul the pain's been eating.
A song of truth sounds
The tears that overflow
On her bed she pounds
All the lyrics are what she already know.
The darkness carries her tears
Through the ever silent night
An outpouring of all the years
As it's fading-the light.
The breakdown comes
She tries to hide
All the feelings it numbs
Everything that's inside.
She shakes and convulses
There's nothing she can do
Initiating the rise of her pulses
Then still she lies and no one's got a clue.
Her heart slowly beating
Awaiting now the break
At her soul the pain's been eating.
A song of truth sounds
The tears that overflow
On her bed she pounds
All the lyrics are what she already know.
The darkness carries her tears
Through the ever silent night
An outpouring of all the years
As it's fading-the light.
The breakdown comes
She tries to hide
All the feelings it numbs
Everything that's inside.
She shakes and convulses
There's nothing she can do
Initiating the rise of her pulses
Then still she lies and no one's got a clue.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Here
So I awoke this morning confused, upset, and a little out of order. I thought I could make it through yesterday, but I convinced myself of a lie. My phone hasn't rang yet, he hasn't come back yet. A good thing? Here I sit; here I lie, typing on his laptop, wishing it wasn't so hard to be here-But it is. I was doing a pretty good job of forgetting him and going back to where we should've stayed-as friends. But it didn't work.
Last night. I don't really remember what EXACTLY happened. All I remember is being hugged about 5 times in the warmth of his home- by him- and then him leaving and me being out in the cold. I don't really know where to go from here. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go from here. I just...I just don't. Whatever.
So I ended up in his bed, in his hoody, on his laptop...God.
Last night. I don't really remember what EXACTLY happened. All I remember is being hugged about 5 times in the warmth of his home- by him- and then him leaving and me being out in the cold. I don't really know where to go from here. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go from here. I just...I just don't. Whatever.
So I ended up in his bed, in his hoody, on his laptop...God.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
The Story of a Wilted Flower
The world continues spinning
She keeps on grinning
Trying to please the world
But never ever winning.
So she packs her bags
As her mother nags
Mom'll never know
That in her mind she lags.
Thinking this will be the end
Though it's not the latest trend
She heads out the door
Because no more can she bend.
A few weeks later still
They don't know she's gone until
They need her to clean and work
Then search for her they will.
Oh yes they can look
But every clue she's took
Only to find her when
They're about to close the book.
Like a flower she did wilt
And her body they will tilt
Only to see every single drop
Of blood she's ever spilt.
In the snow
Where the wind does blow
A burial of honor upon her
They shall bestow.
The family won't grieve
A web of lies they'll weave
Because they say they'll miss her always
Which is against what everyone else does believe.
She keeps on grinning
Trying to please the world
But never ever winning.
So she packs her bags
As her mother nags
Mom'll never know
That in her mind she lags.
Thinking this will be the end
Though it's not the latest trend
She heads out the door
Because no more can she bend.
A few weeks later still
They don't know she's gone until
They need her to clean and work
Then search for her they will.
Oh yes they can look
But every clue she's took
Only to find her when
They're about to close the book.
Like a flower she did wilt
And her body they will tilt
Only to see every single drop
Of blood she's ever spilt.
In the snow
Where the wind does blow
A burial of honor upon her
They shall bestow.
The family won't grieve
A web of lies they'll weave
Because they say they'll miss her always
Which is against what everyone else does believe.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Leave Out All The Rest
Who am I? What have I done? Who have I helped me? Why am I here? Will I be missed when I'm gone? How did I become who I am today?
Twilight. I've been listening to the soundtrack ALL day. Mostly one song. "Leave Out All The Rest" by Linkin Park. It got me thinking:
1. How do people see me?
2. What type of memories will I leave behind when I'm gone?
3. Who am I to me?
4. Does anyone care?
We can't save ourselves. It's not possible. We can't create a public image of ourselves, no matter how hard we try. People will always form their own opinions of you no matter what you do. As much as we'd like to think that we can take care of ourselves and that we are who we say we are, it's not up to us. It's those around us; friends, family, enemies. No one can save us from ourselves.
How do you view yourself? What kind of memories will you leave behind? Will people find reasons to dance on your grave? We can't just forget the wrong people have done. We think it's easy to do when we forgive, but how many of us actually forget the wrong people have done?
Let's say for argument's sake that you could forget all the wrong; Would you? Think about it. WOuldn't you want someone to forget your wrong? It's not jsut the golden rule, it's a matter of being selfless and taking responsibility into your own hands. We can't save ourselves, but we can help others save themselves. Have you ever done anything that you know someone would never forget?
What is the purpose of remembering someone's wrongs? When they're gone, that's all you're remember. The wrongs they did will fill the place where the fun memories used to be. Is that really how you wanna remember your best friend or good co-worker? "Oh, they took the last cup of coffee" or "She stole my boyfriend". Is that what you're going to say at their funeral? Do you want their family to know that you're only lasting memories of their loved one is all the bad they've ever done to you?
It's not a question of who you are, but of how you want to be remembered. I have an icon. It says "I want to be remembered as the girl who could brighten everyone elses day even when she couldn't brighten her own". That's the wy I wanna be remembered. I don't know about you, but I don't wanna be remembered for my wrongs and I highly doubt anyone else does.
*Note: Song of inspiration-"Leave Out All The Rest" by Linkin Park(Twilight Soundtrack)
xoxo
Twilight. I've been listening to the soundtrack ALL day. Mostly one song. "Leave Out All The Rest" by Linkin Park. It got me thinking:
1. How do people see me?
2. What type of memories will I leave behind when I'm gone?
3. Who am I to me?
4. Does anyone care?
We can't save ourselves. It's not possible. We can't create a public image of ourselves, no matter how hard we try. People will always form their own opinions of you no matter what you do. As much as we'd like to think that we can take care of ourselves and that we are who we say we are, it's not up to us. It's those around us; friends, family, enemies. No one can save us from ourselves.
How do you view yourself? What kind of memories will you leave behind? Will people find reasons to dance on your grave? We can't just forget the wrong people have done. We think it's easy to do when we forgive, but how many of us actually forget the wrong people have done?
Let's say for argument's sake that you could forget all the wrong; Would you? Think about it. WOuldn't you want someone to forget your wrong? It's not jsut the golden rule, it's a matter of being selfless and taking responsibility into your own hands. We can't save ourselves, but we can help others save themselves. Have you ever done anything that you know someone would never forget?
What is the purpose of remembering someone's wrongs? When they're gone, that's all you're remember. The wrongs they did will fill the place where the fun memories used to be. Is that really how you wanna remember your best friend or good co-worker? "Oh, they took the last cup of coffee" or "She stole my boyfriend". Is that what you're going to say at their funeral? Do you want their family to know that you're only lasting memories of their loved one is all the bad they've ever done to you?
It's not a question of who you are, but of how you want to be remembered. I have an icon. It says "I want to be remembered as the girl who could brighten everyone elses day even when she couldn't brighten her own". That's the wy I wanna be remembered. I don't know about you, but I don't wanna be remembered for my wrongs and I highly doubt anyone else does.
*Note: Song of inspiration-"Leave Out All The Rest" by Linkin Park(Twilight Soundtrack)
xoxo
Sunday, January 18, 2009
A Sunday Revelation
So today was Sunday church, which meant getting up early after a long Saturday, getting ready, and dragging myself into church looking somewhat decent. I realized that as this may take alot of effort, but it was something I needed to do.
After church, we had a luncheon. Let me inform you, I've eaten at probably ONE of these things. Why? Because while everyone else is eating and fellowshipping(is that a word??), I am upstairs doing what I love. Playing the piano. It's a simple pleasure I love to indulge in whenever possible. I have a keyboard at home, but it just doesn't get that sound that the piano does.
While I played, I closed my eyes. I let my fingers talk to the keys and share secrets with the beautiful music the piano seemed to produce. I enjoyed this. My favorite part of playing the piano is just closing my eyes, letting my hands take over the keys, and listening and imagining what the music is trying to tell me. It's gorgeous, really. It's almost as if in your mind's eye, you're fantasizing about life in general, but in notes.
As people, randomly began to enter the sanctuary to gather their belongings, I realized that as they entered the room, I could feel their presence. A few times, I opened my eyes. I noticed that when I opened my eyes, the music was just music, and my hands began to jumble together bad notes that didn't sound good. It became music. Just music and nothing more. I realized that the people noticed this too. I closed my eyes again and corrected myself.
It was as if when people came into the room, the music filled them, and it spread. I was only doing what I loved, but when I began to recieve compliments on my playing, I realized that I'm not just doing what I love. It wasn't that I was there; It was what I was doing. My simple talent, brought joy and at least a slight smile to the faces of all the many people that go out and have worse days and weeks and months than I do. My simple stress reliever, isn't me. It's God.
Over the many times I've pondered that age old question- "Why am I here?"- I finally realized part of the answer. It's not what we do for ourselves, but what we do for others. Our simple little talents that we think nothing of, can mean a WORLD of difference to someone who's just lost their job, or lost a loved one, or even just had a bad day.
So what's the point of this? It's not that we're here, but what we DO while we're here. So brighten someone's day: When it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile! Just a little food for thought. ;)
xoxo, E
After church, we had a luncheon. Let me inform you, I've eaten at probably ONE of these things. Why? Because while everyone else is eating and fellowshipping(is that a word??), I am upstairs doing what I love. Playing the piano. It's a simple pleasure I love to indulge in whenever possible. I have a keyboard at home, but it just doesn't get that sound that the piano does.
While I played, I closed my eyes. I let my fingers talk to the keys and share secrets with the beautiful music the piano seemed to produce. I enjoyed this. My favorite part of playing the piano is just closing my eyes, letting my hands take over the keys, and listening and imagining what the music is trying to tell me. It's gorgeous, really. It's almost as if in your mind's eye, you're fantasizing about life in general, but in notes.
As people, randomly began to enter the sanctuary to gather their belongings, I realized that as they entered the room, I could feel their presence. A few times, I opened my eyes. I noticed that when I opened my eyes, the music was just music, and my hands began to jumble together bad notes that didn't sound good. It became music. Just music and nothing more. I realized that the people noticed this too. I closed my eyes again and corrected myself.
It was as if when people came into the room, the music filled them, and it spread. I was only doing what I loved, but when I began to recieve compliments on my playing, I realized that I'm not just doing what I love. It wasn't that I was there; It was what I was doing. My simple talent, brought joy and at least a slight smile to the faces of all the many people that go out and have worse days and weeks and months than I do. My simple stress reliever, isn't me. It's God.
Over the many times I've pondered that age old question- "Why am I here?"- I finally realized part of the answer. It's not what we do for ourselves, but what we do for others. Our simple little talents that we think nothing of, can mean a WORLD of difference to someone who's just lost their job, or lost a loved one, or even just had a bad day.
So what's the point of this? It's not that we're here, but what we DO while we're here. So brighten someone's day: When it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile! Just a little food for thought. ;)
xoxo, E
Monday, January 5, 2009
Define "Strong"
& so it is that 2009 has hit & everyone is running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to fulfill those New Year's resolutions. Ah yes. You do remember, right? Whether it's losing weight, doing better in life, or just plain making it through the year, we all know it's not easy. Nothing is ever easy anymore. & of course being me, I made a different array of New Year's resolutions that are as follow:
1. Lose all the weight that I gained since last year
2. Keep up with school & up the grades
3. Write more(hence the random blogs & poems lately :)
4. Ditch everything and everyone that's holding me back
5. Let go of one person
There they are. The 5 hardest tasks in my world right now. But through it all I've lost 6 pounds & written 3 poems & sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough to follow through with my NY resolutions all year long.
Aside from my NY resolutions, I learned something. I've realized how strong I am. No matter how difficult life is I always make it out of the tunnel. Yes, my hair may not look the greatest & I may need to catch up on sleep, but I make it & that's the important part. The sad thing is, I needed a MAJOR wake up call to figure it out.
Everyone has their opinion of strength and that's what makes us who we are. You never know how strong you are until you hit your breaking point. Some just break, others shatter. But what is strength? The dictionary defines it as: the property of being physically or mentally strong. But some of the synonyms say differently: durable, effective, force, persuasive, forte- just to name a few. The point of this? I'd like to pose a question to you: What's your definition of strong? xoxo, eBay
1. Lose all the weight that I gained since last year
2. Keep up with school & up the grades
3. Write more(hence the random blogs & poems lately :)
4. Ditch everything and everyone that's holding me back
5. Let go of one person
There they are. The 5 hardest tasks in my world right now. But through it all I've lost 6 pounds & written 3 poems & sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough to follow through with my NY resolutions all year long.
Aside from my NY resolutions, I learned something. I've realized how strong I am. No matter how difficult life is I always make it out of the tunnel. Yes, my hair may not look the greatest & I may need to catch up on sleep, but I make it & that's the important part. The sad thing is, I needed a MAJOR wake up call to figure it out.
Everyone has their opinion of strength and that's what makes us who we are. You never know how strong you are until you hit your breaking point. Some just break, others shatter. But what is strength? The dictionary defines it as: the property of being physically or mentally strong. But some of the synonyms say differently: durable, effective, force, persuasive, forte- just to name a few. The point of this? I'd like to pose a question to you: What's your definition of strong? xoxo, eBay
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Goodbye 2008
Goodbye to the boys who broke my heart
Goodbye to the drama, no more will start.
Goodbye to the "friends" that I don't need
Goodbye to the blood those we lost did bleed.
Goodbye to fake love I thought was real
Goodbye to wounds that need to heal.
Goodbye to perfection that can't be achieved
Goodbye to all the stupid lies I believed.
Goodbye to sickness that took over me
Goodbye to everyone I wanted to be.
Goodbye to all the haters galore
Goodbye to fighting and to the war.
Goodbye to all the weight I gained
Goodbye to all the times it rained.
Goodbye to global warming and pollution
Goodbye to drugs and cutting being the solution.
Goodbye to all the broken familes
Goodbye to cutting down all the trees.
Goodbye to every sad face
Goodbye to descrimination of race.
Goodbye to all the bad things we've done
Goodbye to everything we never won.
Goodbye to all the jealousy and hate
Goodbye to you, 2008. xoxo, eBay
Goodbye to the drama, no more will start.
Goodbye to the "friends" that I don't need
Goodbye to the blood those we lost did bleed.
Goodbye to fake love I thought was real
Goodbye to wounds that need to heal.
Goodbye to perfection that can't be achieved
Goodbye to all the stupid lies I believed.
Goodbye to sickness that took over me
Goodbye to everyone I wanted to be.
Goodbye to all the haters galore
Goodbye to fighting and to the war.
Goodbye to all the weight I gained
Goodbye to all the times it rained.
Goodbye to global warming and pollution
Goodbye to drugs and cutting being the solution.
Goodbye to all the broken familes
Goodbye to cutting down all the trees.
Goodbye to every sad face
Goodbye to descrimination of race.
Goodbye to all the bad things we've done
Goodbye to everything we never won.
Goodbye to all the jealousy and hate
Goodbye to you, 2008. xoxo, eBay
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)