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For some reason I've been super depressed the past 2 days. I got very little sleep last night as I spent about an hour crying over several different things. I'm not sure why I'm writing this blog, maybe just to help clear my mind or sort things, or just get it all out I guess. I don't know why I've been depressed, I guess just everything catching up with me. Things haven't been crazy busy or anything, & I guess that's why. I'm finally getting the chance...well..I wouldn't call it a chance. ...The...time and neutral to be able to start processing all these pent up emotions from all these different things that have happened this year. I don't really know what to say to anyone and I wanna talk about it but I don't know how. All I wanna do is cry. I wanna be alone and cry. That's it. And I know part of that is selfish since I'm married and have a child, but sometimes a mom needs time to herself. To mourn by herself.and be alone. I just wanna disappear.. And I don't have the strength or emotional stability to deal with any of it. I just wanna cry. All the time. But why? I have a wonderful husband and a fantastic daughter. Why is it that I have been walking around in a fog and just going through the emotions. I love my husband, but I wait until he goes to sleep to cry and cry and cry. But no matter how much I cry, it's never enough. No matter how dry my eyes are,there are always more tears to be shed. I refuse to cry in front of my daughter & I try to limit my crying fits with my husband to only major stuff. I hate having g to subject him to listening/watching me cry & ramble when he probably just nods along anyway. Not to mention, I just don't like crying in front of people. I just done let my guard down like that. I don't want to be around people. I wanna talk about it but I'm just too damn out of sorts. Not to mention I've been feeling super subconscious lately. I told myself I would lose weight but now it's like I've lost motivation to exercise and eat right, but I hate myself because I'm fat & ugly. I thought I was done with major depression spirals but all I wanna do is lock myself in my room and go into hermit mode but I'm a stay at home mom. I can't do that. I just done know what to do. I just need to go out for a long drive, not care where I go or end up, & just sit, & cry. I miss being able to do that. I just hate myself. I've done nothing with my life and I probably never will because I never finish anything or I don't have ambition. I had tons of help applying to colleges and trying to get in, but did I go to college? Of course not.