Pillowss, Muziq, and My Dad

Today, for the first time ever, I cried on my dad's shoulder. This is the first time he's ever seen me cry. I'm 17 years old.

All day today I've just been feeling pretty shitty and completely out of order. I went to the farmshow with my sister and niece and we had a good time for the most part but something inside of me was off all day. About 45 minutes after we got back to my mom's, my dad swung by on his way home from work to pick me up and bring me back home. We didn't say a whole lot and my mood was still kinda in a bad place. When we got home, I went straight upstairs to my rom. My dad knows the drill. He knows that if I'm in a bad mood and I go to my room, leave me be or at least don't like, bug me. I ended up leaving the door open when I got to the top of the steps because I had no more energy.

I laid down on my bed, kicked off my shoes, and laid with my soft, comfy body pillow. A few minutes later, my dad texts me to ask if I want hot chocolate. I told him sure. About two minutes later he brought it up and left it on my table. He asked if I wanted the lights out, I said no, and that was that. Short, sweet, to the point. He has no idea how much I appreciated that. Especially since about a minute after he left my room I started bawling my eyes out. Why? I have no idea.

All day I'd been feeling like I was going to cry and there it finally was. A million tears being soaked up into my body pillow that seemed to be flowing nonstop. About five minutes later, I finally stopped crying and decided to sit up. As soon as I decided to sit up, my dad decided to play a song through the downstairs surround-sound loud speaker system. He was playing a new song that we had practiced at worship practice this past week that had hit me really hard. No sooner than I sat up, did the tears start flowing again.

After the second verse, I composed myself enough to stop crying. It was at that point that I texted my dad and said "I need a hug". He always says "If you ever need a hug, just let me know". I've never been able to just humble myself and say "Dad, I really need a hug right now." until today. In a few seconds, he was up the stairs and turning into my room. He sat next to me on my bed and hugged me. I let a few more tears slide because I couldn't help it and I figured I still had tears in my eyes that he'd already seen upon walking in. This was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. May I remind you, I'm 17 years old. I just sat there with my dad. Just sat there. For a few minutes. He asked what was wrong and I answered as truthfully as I could. I told him I had no idea why I was crying or what was wrong with me. Luckily for me, he's one of those parents that's actually ok with that answer.

We sat and talked for a little while until finally he went downstairs to let me know what we had to eat. I don't think anyone will ever understand how much I love my dad. I'm not even sure if he'll ever understand how much I love him. He has got to be the best dad in the world. I think I took a HUGE step to letting him in today. At least for me it was. I don't cry in front of people. I think like two of my friends have seen me cry and my mom and one sister. I'm so grateful to have such an amazing dad. I appreciate him so much and I hope to be able to let him in more and more so that he might actually be able to understand more than just a small piece of me and who I am.I love you daddy, thank you<3

Anger, Angels, and Little Girls

I feel like I should be saying so much, but I hold back. It's harder to spew words than to control what comes out of my mouth these days. Today, my dad, for the first time ever, yelled at me. Not so much at me I guess, but whatever's inside of me, but still me. The little girl inside of me wanted to cry, the anger inside of me wanted to scream and curse, and the angel in me felt guilty and wanted to vomit(still does want to vomit). What I felt guilty for, I'm still not completely sure.

I think I wanted to feel guilty for forcing him to experience my hellish mood and partial temper. I wanted to scream because I was already pissed off and I felt like it was almost the cherry on top of a horrendous day. I wanted to cry not only because "my daddy was yelling at me" but also because I felt guilty and because there was so much bottled inside that it's all I could think about managing. In the midst of all this, all I managed was speechlessness and a few tears.

We drove for a minute or two in silence. Music off, lips closed, and eyes focused on the road. We stopped for gas and after that the floor was opened. He told me I should try and work on my attitude towards things and continued talking, then stopped. We drove in silence for a few moments as I was trying to gather how to speak again. I ended up confessing one of the many internal problems I've been dealing with and trying to fix. As much as I didn't want to talk about any of it because I'm not certain of most of it, I figured it was the only way to leave things on a decent term for when I went back home.

When we finally pulled up to my mom's house I looked him in the eye for the first time throughout the whole ride and that's only because he told me to. He said I love you" and that was pretty much it. I had so much I wanted to say to that simple little phrase, so many questions to ask. A little three word statement that can mean so much and so little at the same time. Nonetheless, I said nothing and told him I loved him too and got out of the car.

Still to this moment, I've got a headache and I still feel like I'm going to vomit(although I already have). There's so much I've left unsaid and so many questions that are left unanswered and unasked. Where am I? What to say. What to do.