Letter to My "Father"

Dear Father,
I have so much to say to you. I would like to start out by saying thank you so much for being there my whole life.I mean, I really appreciate the fact that you left when I was two months old. Because of your fantabulous decision to leave I hope you enjoy watching me sit quietly at your funeral as I will have no memories to share nor good thoughts of you. A man who leaves his wife to raise three little girls when his youngest is two months old? And you expect people to respect you as a man and even as a PASTOR? I'd like to ask you to take a step into my shoes right quick. Look at yourself from my perspective.Would you respect yourself? Think long and hard on that.
I'd also like to tell you that my life is my own and I definitely don't want any input from a man who left his own family and ran around screwin anything with a vag. I will do what I want with my life whether you like it or not. If I wanna be back in my own state for my sister's birthday, I will be. Education may be important but my family is important too. Maybe if you stuck around long enough after I was born you might know that. AND not to mention that whether I'm top or not, if people are my real friends they'll love me regardless of who I am and what I'm doing and how successful I am. If I turn out to be a noboby, it's nice to know that my own father will shun me and forget that I exist. Awesome. Way to be an asshole. Whatever. I don't need you. All you do is bring even more negativity to my life and that's the last thing I need. What the hell. Every time I talk to you I find myself even more disgusted with you than the last time we spoke which is only every 4 months anyway.
Oh, almost forgot. What the hell kind of pastor are you and who the hell ordained you? As a pastor, and a Christian, you are called to love everyone. You are called to help "the least of these" and not to judge. Every time I speak with one of my MANY gay best friends, I think of a little story you told me. The one where two gay guys got into your cab and you kicked them out because they were kissing. WHAT THE HELL! Who are you to judge? You know what? Who are YOU to judge? Who are you to tell someone else that the way they're living is wrong? Only God can judge and as much as you;d like to believe it, you're not Him. Get over it and move on. Love everyone and save yourself grief. Why do you hate them? What have they ever done to you? And even if they have wronged you somehow, two wrongs don't make a right. As a pastor you should be all for forgiveness. Move on! Ugh. You disgust me and make me want to barf. I hope you've had fun ruining the life of your only child that actually still talks to you. Good job asshole. Way to be. You're a terrible pastor and a horrendous father. I hope you're happy.

Trying

Trying to be strong
Trying to hide every emotion
Trying to feel no pain
But I feel it still.

Trying to shake moods
Trying to be happy
Trying to clear tear-clouded eyes
But I'm blinded still.

Trying to move on
Trying to make new memories
Trying to forget
But I remember still.

Trying to become new
Trying to be a better person
Trying to remove who I've been
But I'm there still.

Trying to close up my soul
Trying to heal these wounds
Trying to sew up my heart
But I bleed still.

Trying to contain myself
Trying to train thoughts
Trying to shut my mouth
But I speak still.

Trying to open up
Trying to let it out
Trying to reach out
But I wall-up still.

Trying to run faster
Trying to succeed
Trying to jump hurdles
But I fall still.

Trying to stay closed-up
Trying to not trust
Trying to accept defeat
Trying to let blood escape
Trying to be my old self
Trying to be weak
Trying to hold onto depression
And I do still.

Right Now

Head throbs
Mind races
Questions fly
Head Whirls.

Heart sinks
Thoughts hurt
Body aches
Logic dies.

Walls reconstruct
Mouth shuts
Hands crack
Eyes water.

Everything spins
Nothing goes
Life speeds
Music plays.

It's Been a While

It's been a while
Since I could kick back
Since I could relax
Since I had nothing to worry about.

It's been a while
Since I knew right from wrong
Since I knew what to do
Since the world let me be me.

It's been a while
Since I had a family
Since I belonged
Since I've had a place to call "home".

It's been a while
Since I made my decisions
Since I knew what I wanted
Since I had independence.

It's been a while
Since I had a passion
Since I had anything meaningful
Since I had a life to live.

It's been a while since I've been happy.

Storm

Thunder rolls
Crackling in the air
Barreling and closing in
Powering through it's obstacles.

Lightning strikes
Brightly lighting the paths
Slashing and breaking the sky
Slithering around the clouds.