Why do I feel like this
How did I let this happen
You are my constant thoughts still
Do you realize how many times...
Or when you say certain things...
I said I was done with empty apologies
Kill me and toss me aside
Execute my heart and mind
Expect me to pick you back up
Pick you up from the depths of hell
Falling faster with every step
Allowing my emotions to reappear
Letting my mind race with questions
Loving is all I can do
I cant hate you
Not sure why, but I can't
Go away, I wish I could make it all just...
Fake myself out?
Or face the reality of heartache and heartbreak
Risking everything within my being for you?
Yet I continue to let you slide
On every wrong and mistake you've made towards me
Understand that my heart only takes so much.
Why Do I Keep Falling For You?
Monday, August 24, 2009
I Wish
I wish
I could go back
And change the past
Make it like
Nothing happened.
I wish
I knew
If you were being sincere
Or just bluffing
Again.
I wish
I didn't feel this way
The way I used to
And still so
After everything.
I wish
I could put my feelings for you
On the back burner
And burn them
So I couldn't feel them.
I wish
There were an easier way
To say what I feel
And to help you
So you don't go back.
I wish
I could fully believe
That everything would work out
And that you and I
Could be like we used to.
I wish
That I could be around you
Hug you
And tell you I love you
And have it all be the same.
I wish
All at the same time
That my feelings for you
Would go away
But that I could be with you
And that it wouldn't hurt
Either way
But it does
Each and every day.
I wish.
I could go back
And change the past
Make it like
Nothing happened.
I wish
I knew
If you were being sincere
Or just bluffing
Again.
I wish
I didn't feel this way
The way I used to
And still so
After everything.
I wish
I could put my feelings for you
On the back burner
And burn them
So I couldn't feel them.
I wish
There were an easier way
To say what I feel
And to help you
So you don't go back.
I wish
I could fully believe
That everything would work out
And that you and I
Could be like we used to.
I wish
That I could be around you
Hug you
And tell you I love you
And have it all be the same.
I wish
All at the same time
That my feelings for you
Would go away
But that I could be with you
And that it wouldn't hurt
Either way
But it does
Each and every day.
I wish.
See What Had Happened Was
We were
Close
Perfect
Amazing
We were
You left
bridges burned
hearts smashed
minds angry
You left
You came
Back to town
Back to reality
Back to me
You came
You said
You want to change
Done with the drama
You are now praying
You said
You reached
Unexpectedly
Subconsciously
For me
You reached
I grabbed
Your hand
Your heart
Your words
I grabbed
I'm trusting
That you're sincere
That you're on the right past
That you'll give this your all
I'm trusting
I'm hoping
For us both to move forward
For you to see a new you
I can help you
I'm hoping
I'm praying
For my sanity
For my strength
For your salvation
I'm praying
Close
Perfect
Amazing
We were
You left
bridges burned
hearts smashed
minds angry
You left
You came
Back to town
Back to reality
Back to me
You came
You said
You want to change
Done with the drama
You are now praying
You said
You reached
Unexpectedly
Subconsciously
For me
You reached
I grabbed
Your hand
Your heart
Your words
I grabbed
I'm trusting
That you're sincere
That you're on the right past
That you'll give this your all
I'm trusting
I'm hoping
For us both to move forward
For you to see a new you
I can help you
I'm hoping
I'm praying
For my sanity
For my strength
For your salvation
I'm praying
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Another Story
"There's nothing I wouldn't do for one more night-for things to be the way they used to be, you know?" I paused. "Well, I know. I talked to him earlier today..just a few hours ago." Another pause. "Mianna Rae! How many times do I have to-Mykel! Look, I'm gonna have to call you tomorrow, okay? Bye." I hung up my cell and walked into the living room.
"Will you two calm down? I was on the phone with Aunt Taeya." I returned to the kitchen and grabbed the plate of freshly cut granny smith apple slices and the container of caramel dip. I went to the living room and sat down as my two children huddled around me anxious for their bedtime snack. On the floor, Mianna laid on her tummy and tucked her chestnut brown curls behind her ears, while Mykel sat quietly fidgeting on the other side of me.
I opened the dip and they each took one slice as did I. I looked at Mianna and she nodded then spoke:
"Dear Jesus, please bless this food to our bodies so we can be healthy and strong. Amen." I couldn't help but smile. Mianna is only four years old and wants to be an actress. Mykel on the other hand, is now six years of age and wants to be a combat fighter(I wish he would dip in on Mianna's dream and do action movies instead). These two are my inspiration. My reason for living. And oh how cliche it sounds, but it's true. These two are my muses. They inspire every story I write and every poem I jot down in my journal at the end of the day. What would I EVER do without them. It's a question I try not to think on too often.
As we continued eating our apples and caramel, I looked out the big window in front of me where the shades were drawn. I almost jumped to be completely honest. I saw a face and it took me a moment to figure out who it was. A hand waved and my heart went back to it's resting place. I pointed to the side door as I stood and began walking through the kitchen.
I reached the door and opened it(a bit to my surprise might I add) with a dazed and confused smile on my face.
"Hey hun. He began with a smile. "I was in the neighborhood and figured I'd stop by. I saw the kids..are you busy?"
"Oh, no. Uh, I was just getting ready to, um, "I looked down and hid the half-eaten apple slice behind my back quickly. "get them to bed, actually."
"Oh, well, do you want me to come back tomorrow, or..."
"Oh, no it's fine. A friend of mine is here for the night actually. Did you wanna..?" I pointed to the sidewalk out front.
"Do you mind? I was thinking maybe a walk. We could talk and catch up a little. I mean, if that's ok, I don't wanna disturb-"
"It's fine.Hold on, let me get my coat and ask A if she'll put them to bed for me." I hurried into the living room to check on the kids, then up stairs and around the corner into a pale pink room to find Adrea sitting on her plush pink comforter looking through the TV Guide. She looked up at me and smiled.
"Hey Tay, what's up?"
"Um, Tylor's at the door and-"
"Tylor?? You're kidding right? What does he want?"
"He wants to talk. I was actually hoping you might put Mia and Myk to bed for me?" I asked with a cheesy grin on my face.
" Are you sure you wanna do this?" She HAD to ask. As if I wasn't doubting the whole situation in my mind already. I took a deep breath.
"Yes."
"Okay. If this is what you want..."
"Thanks A, you're the best." I ran back down the stairs and grabbed my black sweater off the coat rack.
"Ready?"
"Will you two calm down? I was on the phone with Aunt Taeya." I returned to the kitchen and grabbed the plate of freshly cut granny smith apple slices and the container of caramel dip. I went to the living room and sat down as my two children huddled around me anxious for their bedtime snack. On the floor, Mianna laid on her tummy and tucked her chestnut brown curls behind her ears, while Mykel sat quietly fidgeting on the other side of me.
I opened the dip and they each took one slice as did I. I looked at Mianna and she nodded then spoke:
"Dear Jesus, please bless this food to our bodies so we can be healthy and strong. Amen." I couldn't help but smile. Mianna is only four years old and wants to be an actress. Mykel on the other hand, is now six years of age and wants to be a combat fighter(I wish he would dip in on Mianna's dream and do action movies instead). These two are my inspiration. My reason for living. And oh how cliche it sounds, but it's true. These two are my muses. They inspire every story I write and every poem I jot down in my journal at the end of the day. What would I EVER do without them. It's a question I try not to think on too often.
As we continued eating our apples and caramel, I looked out the big window in front of me where the shades were drawn. I almost jumped to be completely honest. I saw a face and it took me a moment to figure out who it was. A hand waved and my heart went back to it's resting place. I pointed to the side door as I stood and began walking through the kitchen.
I reached the door and opened it(a bit to my surprise might I add) with a dazed and confused smile on my face.
"Hey hun. He began with a smile. "I was in the neighborhood and figured I'd stop by. I saw the kids..are you busy?"
"Oh, no. Uh, I was just getting ready to, um, "I looked down and hid the half-eaten apple slice behind my back quickly. "get them to bed, actually."
"Oh, well, do you want me to come back tomorrow, or..."
"Oh, no it's fine. A friend of mine is here for the night actually. Did you wanna..?" I pointed to the sidewalk out front.
"Do you mind? I was thinking maybe a walk. We could talk and catch up a little. I mean, if that's ok, I don't wanna disturb-"
"It's fine.Hold on, let me get my coat and ask A if she'll put them to bed for me." I hurried into the living room to check on the kids, then up stairs and around the corner into a pale pink room to find Adrea sitting on her plush pink comforter looking through the TV Guide. She looked up at me and smiled.
"Hey Tay, what's up?"
"Um, Tylor's at the door and-"
"Tylor?? You're kidding right? What does he want?"
"He wants to talk. I was actually hoping you might put Mia and Myk to bed for me?" I asked with a cheesy grin on my face.
" Are you sure you wanna do this?" She HAD to ask. As if I wasn't doubting the whole situation in my mind already. I took a deep breath.
"Yes."
"Okay. If this is what you want..."
"Thanks A, you're the best." I ran back down the stairs and grabbed my black sweater off the coat rack.
"Ready?"
Friday, August 21, 2009
Story I'm Writing
CHAPTER 1
Hi, I’m Shayla and I’m 23 years young. I live in Boston, Massachusetts in a huge white house with my husband, Chris, our son Logan, and our yellow lab pup, Jay-Jay. I know it sounds like a good life, but I didn’t think it would turn out quite this way. In my mind it’s a miracle me and Chris were brought together. Let me take you back to when things weren’t so great…
I was 15 years old and in the worst stage of my teenage life. Love. Yes, I know every teenager thinks they’re “in love” at one point or another, but I was totally there and completely buried in it from head to toe. His name, Chris. For those of you wondering, yes. This is the Chris I now call my husband. I talked to him everyday and couldn’t help thinking of him constantly. It seemed all I could do was fall asleep at night and dream of him.
I hadn’t seen him for 2 weeks. For me, an eternity. Usually we see each other about 2 or 3 times a week. It was pure torture. Why? I was visiting my dad in Missouri (the state and I was totally miserable). Then the Thursday before I came back, he left for Georgia. Not fun trying to keep up, but I couldn’t wait until the next day. I would see him at youth group. Yes, in so many ways that youth group and church changed my life. I was anxious and excited. I felt as though my heart was going to tackle him while he was still in Georgia! I wanted to see him so bad.
I skipped to the next best thing. Writing poems, stories, and listening to music that reminded me of him. Yes, I’m a poet. He was an inspiring guy, what could I do? I couldn’t help writing about his gorgeous eyes or loving smile. I mean I could fall asleep in his arms like cozy fire on a harsh winter night. Ok, I’ll admit. I’m also a hopeless romantic when it comes to all this, but what was I to do but fall asleep and wait for Wednesday evening to fly into my life.
CHAPTER 2
The next morning I awoke a little late, but seems how it was summer, I didn’t really care. I lay around for a few hours online waiting to see if he was home yet (knowing he wasn’t). No luck for about an hour so I figured I had other stuff to do. I cleaned up my mess in the living room from the night before (I had fallen asleep watching The Notebook, go figure) and then hopped into the shower. I had skipped breakfast as I do everyday because I figured it would slow me down (from what I didn’t quite know yet). But I turned on the radio while I was in the shower and listened to some station that kept playing love songs. Wasn’t a bad station actually…Anyway, after about a half hour, I hurried out of the bathroom and sat on my bed.
I stopped and looked around. I had forgotten (being gone for 2 weeks) that there was a hanger with pictures on it dangling from the middle of my high, blue ceiling. It contained about 4 or 5 pictures of Chris from different youth events and others from our church. Wow I thought to myself. This seems strange even when I try not to think of him he pops up. But without further thought, I sprang from my bed and fled across my room to my dresser. So many clothes, but what to wear? Was my first thought. Then, I saw my camo Capri’s. I had bought them while in Missouri and figured they’d show off my legs well since I’d been watching my diet lately. I looked down awkwardly, felt my legs, and grabbed my Capri’s.
I threw everything left and right out of my shirt drawer. Finally. I thought to myself as I pulled out my white shirt. I read the front. ARMY it read in large green letters. I picked up all my clothes and quickly began to dress.
My hair. What to do with my hair…I hadn’t planned that out like everything else that was going to happen that day. But how different was this day than any others? Oh, that’s right. I was seeing CHRIS! For the first time in 16 days. (I had counted Monday and Tuesday). That made me even more energized. I wondered if he was this thrilled to see me. I had “asked him out” a few weeks earlier, but then denied that it was me who had messaged him when he replied with this response:
I’m sorry, but I don’t want to lose your friendship if we ever break up. That’s what happened last time I tried to have a relationship with a girl I knew really well. I just think that a friendship that lasts forever is more important than a relationship that lasts a few months.
I knew it was sweet that he had cherished our friendship more than just a fling, but I was in love and it was written all over me. Over the next few weeks I analyzed this trying to find a loophole through all the words. It was hopeless and I knew he meant what he said.
Until a few days later when I thought of something he hadn’t written in it. I went back and looked “YES!” I screamed. I went back and checked a second time just to be sure I wasn’t getting ahead of myself. No, it was real. I knew it. No where what so ever in this document that had just led me to the brightest day of my life, did it say he didn’t feel the same way about me. It seemed to me he could give all the excuses in the world except for that one thing. “I knew it! I knew it!” I exclaimed as I read the message over and over from the small LCD screen of my laptop. It was true, he loved me too.
CHAPTER 3
Later that night, I walked into youth group and peered around the room. I went breathless and almost a bit teary-eyed. My love, my addiction was only about 5 yards away. I brought my head back into the hallway with the rest of me, but my heart stayed in that room. All the sudden I heard a laugh. I knew that laugh and it was getting closer. Soon enough, Chris popped himself into the hall and spoke. “Why are you just chillin out here?”
“I don’t know. I’m bored, why?”
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
“What do you mean?” I was confused and hoped I wasn’t crying or letting a tear drip.
“Your eyes are kinda watery like you’re gonna cry or something.”
I was shocked. I couldn’t let this happen, but at these words, I almost cried. He was concerned.
“Oh, just allergies. You know from spring to summer. That type of thing.” I was hoping he’d buy it. I turned and walked quickly outside. It was raining, so I sat down under the little roof, and cried. About only 30 seconds later I heard the door behind me open. It was Chris. Oh my God! Stop crying stand in the rain! Do something! Don’t let him see you like this! I seemed to scream at myself from my subconscious. He walked up and sat down beside me.
“Allergies, huh? Doesn’t look like allergies to me and don’t even tell me that’s rain all over your cheeks and in your eyes.” He said with a smile. I smiled back. “You know you can trust me.” He told me. I leaned over and gave him a hug. He was a bit drawn back at this, but hugged me back anyway. He gave me a tissue to wipe my nose and another for my face and eyes.
At that moment Beth came outside and looked down on us.
“Is everything okay out here?” She asked gingerly. “We’re about to start.”
“We’re fine. We were just talking.” Chris covered. “We’re coming inside in a few.” We stood up and followed Beth inside.
Hi, I’m Shayla and I’m 23 years young. I live in Boston, Massachusetts in a huge white house with my husband, Chris, our son Logan, and our yellow lab pup, Jay-Jay. I know it sounds like a good life, but I didn’t think it would turn out quite this way. In my mind it’s a miracle me and Chris were brought together. Let me take you back to when things weren’t so great…
I was 15 years old and in the worst stage of my teenage life. Love. Yes, I know every teenager thinks they’re “in love” at one point or another, but I was totally there and completely buried in it from head to toe. His name, Chris. For those of you wondering, yes. This is the Chris I now call my husband. I talked to him everyday and couldn’t help thinking of him constantly. It seemed all I could do was fall asleep at night and dream of him.
I hadn’t seen him for 2 weeks. For me, an eternity. Usually we see each other about 2 or 3 times a week. It was pure torture. Why? I was visiting my dad in Missouri (the state and I was totally miserable). Then the Thursday before I came back, he left for Georgia. Not fun trying to keep up, but I couldn’t wait until the next day. I would see him at youth group. Yes, in so many ways that youth group and church changed my life. I was anxious and excited. I felt as though my heart was going to tackle him while he was still in Georgia! I wanted to see him so bad.
I skipped to the next best thing. Writing poems, stories, and listening to music that reminded me of him. Yes, I’m a poet. He was an inspiring guy, what could I do? I couldn’t help writing about his gorgeous eyes or loving smile. I mean I could fall asleep in his arms like cozy fire on a harsh winter night. Ok, I’ll admit. I’m also a hopeless romantic when it comes to all this, but what was I to do but fall asleep and wait for Wednesday evening to fly into my life.
CHAPTER 2
The next morning I awoke a little late, but seems how it was summer, I didn’t really care. I lay around for a few hours online waiting to see if he was home yet (knowing he wasn’t). No luck for about an hour so I figured I had other stuff to do. I cleaned up my mess in the living room from the night before (I had fallen asleep watching The Notebook, go figure) and then hopped into the shower. I had skipped breakfast as I do everyday because I figured it would slow me down (from what I didn’t quite know yet). But I turned on the radio while I was in the shower and listened to some station that kept playing love songs. Wasn’t a bad station actually…Anyway, after about a half hour, I hurried out of the bathroom and sat on my bed.
I stopped and looked around. I had forgotten (being gone for 2 weeks) that there was a hanger with pictures on it dangling from the middle of my high, blue ceiling. It contained about 4 or 5 pictures of Chris from different youth events and others from our church. Wow I thought to myself. This seems strange even when I try not to think of him he pops up. But without further thought, I sprang from my bed and fled across my room to my dresser. So many clothes, but what to wear? Was my first thought. Then, I saw my camo Capri’s. I had bought them while in Missouri and figured they’d show off my legs well since I’d been watching my diet lately. I looked down awkwardly, felt my legs, and grabbed my Capri’s.
I threw everything left and right out of my shirt drawer. Finally. I thought to myself as I pulled out my white shirt. I read the front. ARMY it read in large green letters. I picked up all my clothes and quickly began to dress.
My hair. What to do with my hair…I hadn’t planned that out like everything else that was going to happen that day. But how different was this day than any others? Oh, that’s right. I was seeing CHRIS! For the first time in 16 days. (I had counted Monday and Tuesday). That made me even more energized. I wondered if he was this thrilled to see me. I had “asked him out” a few weeks earlier, but then denied that it was me who had messaged him when he replied with this response:
I’m sorry, but I don’t want to lose your friendship if we ever break up. That’s what happened last time I tried to have a relationship with a girl I knew really well. I just think that a friendship that lasts forever is more important than a relationship that lasts a few months.
I knew it was sweet that he had cherished our friendship more than just a fling, but I was in love and it was written all over me. Over the next few weeks I analyzed this trying to find a loophole through all the words. It was hopeless and I knew he meant what he said.
Until a few days later when I thought of something he hadn’t written in it. I went back and looked “YES!” I screamed. I went back and checked a second time just to be sure I wasn’t getting ahead of myself. No, it was real. I knew it. No where what so ever in this document that had just led me to the brightest day of my life, did it say he didn’t feel the same way about me. It seemed to me he could give all the excuses in the world except for that one thing. “I knew it! I knew it!” I exclaimed as I read the message over and over from the small LCD screen of my laptop. It was true, he loved me too.
CHAPTER 3
Later that night, I walked into youth group and peered around the room. I went breathless and almost a bit teary-eyed. My love, my addiction was only about 5 yards away. I brought my head back into the hallway with the rest of me, but my heart stayed in that room. All the sudden I heard a laugh. I knew that laugh and it was getting closer. Soon enough, Chris popped himself into the hall and spoke. “Why are you just chillin out here?”
“I don’t know. I’m bored, why?”
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
“What do you mean?” I was confused and hoped I wasn’t crying or letting a tear drip.
“Your eyes are kinda watery like you’re gonna cry or something.”
I was shocked. I couldn’t let this happen, but at these words, I almost cried. He was concerned.
“Oh, just allergies. You know from spring to summer. That type of thing.” I was hoping he’d buy it. I turned and walked quickly outside. It was raining, so I sat down under the little roof, and cried. About only 30 seconds later I heard the door behind me open. It was Chris. Oh my God! Stop crying stand in the rain! Do something! Don’t let him see you like this! I seemed to scream at myself from my subconscious. He walked up and sat down beside me.
“Allergies, huh? Doesn’t look like allergies to me and don’t even tell me that’s rain all over your cheeks and in your eyes.” He said with a smile. I smiled back. “You know you can trust me.” He told me. I leaned over and gave him a hug. He was a bit drawn back at this, but hugged me back anyway. He gave me a tissue to wipe my nose and another for my face and eyes.
At that moment Beth came outside and looked down on us.
“Is everything okay out here?” She asked gingerly. “We’re about to start.”
“We’re fine. We were just talking.” Chris covered. “We’re coming inside in a few.” We stood up and followed Beth inside.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
A Grave Visit(I Miss You)
A long road it seems
Two gravel lines
Tell the tale of visitors before
Driving slowly
Along that gravel road
That has brought so many to tears so many times.
Hop out of the van
Search, look, breathe
The secret unveiled
By a sister so solid
Breathe, walk, breathe
Step, step
Each heartbeat quickens
As gradually I come to a hault
Look, breathe,
Inhale, exhale
Stand.
Pressing waters create heavy eyes
As I hold my waist
Holding back
Myself and my tears
Don't cry
Be strong
Breathe...breathe.
One tear slips
Then millions more
Cover my mouth
Walk, if I can
To mother's side
Where she too, hold's back tears
Hold her while she holds me
My tears are waterfalls
That crash into white rapids
And flow like a flooded ocean.
Can't stop
Have to stop
Won't stop
I can't make them stop
Wipe the eyes
Back away
Look again
Beathe
Just breathe.
Fix the hoody
Compose yourself
Turn and return to the van.
Rumage through my purse
Sharpie
Silver
Paper?
Only papertowels
Write, if I can
Stuff papertowel in pocket
Return to the group.
Stand, if I can
They say goodbye
Watch them walk away
Secure your heart
Breathe
Retrieve the papertowel
Uncrumple it
Read it once more
Pick up one of three angels
Who rest and guard her grave
Place the papertowel under the angel
Put angel back
Look
Try to smile..fail.
Sniffle
Breathe
Walk away
Hop in van
Drive away
Watch her vanish through the back windshield
Breathe
Wipe more tears
Put on music on phone
Come Thou Fount
Piano solo version
Breathe
Look back again
Drive through those black gates
Breathe...breathe.
Envision the papertowel
"I miss you <3 Ebby"
Think, if I can
I miss you...
I miss you.
Two gravel lines
Tell the tale of visitors before
Driving slowly
Along that gravel road
That has brought so many to tears so many times.
Hop out of the van
Search, look, breathe
The secret unveiled
By a sister so solid
Breathe, walk, breathe
Step, step
Each heartbeat quickens
As gradually I come to a hault
Look, breathe,
Inhale, exhale
Stand.
Pressing waters create heavy eyes
As I hold my waist
Holding back
Myself and my tears
Don't cry
Be strong
Breathe...breathe.
One tear slips
Then millions more
Cover my mouth
Walk, if I can
To mother's side
Where she too, hold's back tears
Hold her while she holds me
My tears are waterfalls
That crash into white rapids
And flow like a flooded ocean.
Can't stop
Have to stop
Won't stop
I can't make them stop
Wipe the eyes
Back away
Look again
Beathe
Just breathe.
Fix the hoody
Compose yourself
Turn and return to the van.
Rumage through my purse
Sharpie
Silver
Paper?
Only papertowels
Write, if I can
Stuff papertowel in pocket
Return to the group.
Stand, if I can
They say goodbye
Watch them walk away
Secure your heart
Breathe
Retrieve the papertowel
Uncrumple it
Read it once more
Pick up one of three angels
Who rest and guard her grave
Place the papertowel under the angel
Put angel back
Look
Try to smile..fail.
Sniffle
Breathe
Walk away
Hop in van
Drive away
Watch her vanish through the back windshield
Breathe
Wipe more tears
Put on music on phone
Come Thou Fount
Piano solo version
Breathe
Look back again
Drive through those black gates
Breathe...breathe.
Envision the papertowel
"I miss you <3 Ebby"
Think, if I can
I miss you...
I miss you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)