So it's come to my attention that it is 11:11pm on Wednesday, April 21, 2010 and it's my turn to make a wish. I find myself wishing for something that I almost forgot existed with the rest of humanity; something I usually don't focus on. I suddenly find myself wishing for a father-daughter relationship. You know, the one I never had? Yep, that's the one. I guess I never really had a good relationship with either of my parents.
I guess the reason I've been thinking about it more lately, is because it seems like everywhere I look is a reminder of that relationship that I never had. I know this sounds like a dumb example, but when I was watching New Moon last night, just the way that Charlie worried so much when Bella went missing and was in her depression phase; the way he actually held her and told her that he loved. Especially when she needed to hear it most. He even offered to stay home from his fishing trip with Harry.
Examples two and three were found in the darkest places I never thought I'd be a part of - the Hannah Montana show and Cadet Kelly with Hilary Duff. The close relationship that Miley and her dad have? The fact that Kelly and her dad actually have a "life line" and know when each other are in trouble? Even that she had the opportunity to save his life, to worry about him. Nothing like that ever existed in my world; nothing even remotely close.
I feel like it's getting worse with age. Right now I'm supposed to be working on my PE Log for school. I mean, my relationship with my father has NEVER affected my academics before. Having nothing to do with my father has always been the ideal, so it never had to affect me before. But I feel like this past week has been so emotional, but at the same time so emotionless. I feel like I've become numb to every emotional I have but still have every one of them at the front of my brain. It's like, I can't win. I don't get it.
Nothing ever weighed on me this much since college/moving out. I don't know what to do. I mean, it's not like I haven't tried. But I feel like if I'd tried hard enough I would've fixed it by now and I wouldn't be in this predicament. My father and I are two completely different people. I've tried everything I can think of. The sad thing is, he thinks we haven= this great relationship going on and everything is peachy, especially since he gave me his car.
But that's not the case. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. I've always been able to accept that the relationship my father and I have is about as good as it'd ever get as long as I wasn't honest with him about anything that involved my life goals, career ideas, or beliefs. And for the longest time, I was happy enough just living in that world and accepting it all the way it was. But I feel like now that he gave me the car, I'm obligated to make some sort of...extra effort to make it all work. Thing is, that's not going to happen; and I'll tell ya why:
1. He's in Ma and I'm not
2. He's not making ANY effort to make things better
And 3? There's absolutely nothing more I can do to try and make my relationship with my father any better unless I lie about everything including my goals, college plans, career ideas, beliefs, my personality, thoughts, feelings, and everything else inside of my life. And let me tell ya. THAT just ain't gonna happen. Know why? Because I am who I am and I don't have any reason to change unless I want to. I'm not going to conform to someone that's the complete opposite of who I am just to please them; even if it is my own father. They say that if someone truly loves you they'll accept you for who you really are. And that's true.I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. And that's truth. It's been the law of my life for quite a bit now.
I know that people say there's no use complaining about something if you're not going to change it. Truth is, I've tried to fix it; time and time again. I figure if it really meant that much to him, he'd opt to get to know who I really am and, (love it or hate it), accept me for it and respect me.
All he ever does is tell me what to do, think and say. Come to think about it, that's all I ever remember him doing in my life. I'm not a little girl. I don't need to be told what to do, think, and say. I can do that all for myself. I'm not a child anymore(although I guess he did miss that portion of my life since he left). I'm somewhere caught between a girl and a woman and no one seems to realize that. Everyone treats me as a child or as an adult. Although I'm 18 years old, I've still got a lot of growing up to do; emotionally and spiritually. Why does no one get that? People label me and push me and kick me. Whether they realize it or not, they do. In fact, I'll write another blog listing all the things I label myself as.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Worth the Silence
I have so much I wanna tell you. Honestly? There's so much inside my head that needs to be said but doesn't want to be said. The truth is, I don't know. I don't know ANYTHING. I wish I did but I don't. And you're just gonna have to be okay with that. Nothing means anything to me. Not anymore. I'd also like to say that I don't wanna tell you. I don't. I'm not gonna lie. I just don't. It's been a long hard road, but you've gotta understand that I'm a safe, a vault. And even in time you may not break me or get me to open up. And I know that if you have things to tell people, you should tell them because you may not have the chance to tell them tomorrow, but still. I want to be able to speak my mind. I really wish I could, but the thoughts I keep inside are the horrible ones that cause pain or anger to you. Even writing it in a letter wouldn't do. It's like a monologue in my head day after day, minute after minute. It's not gone until you put it out there, tell your audience and voice it with real emotion to the person who you most need to express it to and make them understand. I'll admit I've been being fake, because I have been. But only to protect you, and our relationship. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the silence...
Sunday, April 11, 2010
April 10, 1998
Dear Mom,
It happened. Yesterday. As it does every year that passes without you. I tried. I tried so hard. But nothing could keep me from the obvious truth. You're gone.
I know it's been 12 years, but it feels like just yesterday... It hurts. I feel my stomach twist itself inside out and I feel like someone's just reaching down my throat and squeezing my heart while trying to punch it through my chest. There's really nothing I can do about the pain. Or the feeling. It comes and goes, but when it comes, it stays. For what seems like centuries. And that, all in itself, tears me apart.
I try to be strong because I know that's what you'd want me to be. You always were. I can't think of anyone as strong as you. You always seemed so calm and had this "I can handle anything life throws at me" attitude. I guess that's something I didn't inherit genetically...if at all. Every day that goes by, I wish I had more time. More time to spend with you. To know you and learn more about you and from you. You were always supportive. Never brought up past mistakes. Only looked toward the future and knew you could conquer the present.
How did you do it? I'll never understand. I take a look at my life and realize that, it's nothing compared to what I could've already had accomplished by this time. I feel so minor, so...insignificant. Like everything I've ever done is insignificant. How is it that you accomplished all you did? And aside from that, keep your sanity?
I miss you Mom. I wish you were here. Even when I couldn't see my hopes and dreams because I thought they were too far fetched, you believed. You believed in them, in me, and that combining me and them would change the world. How is it that you could always see what I couldn't? How is it that no matter how tightly you're tucked away in my heart, that you always feel so far away?
I don't want to cry but I don't want to forget you. Maybe sometime I can look back on April 10th, 1998 and smile. Just because you left me your memory, and even though you're gone, You're not forgotten. I love you Mom. I always will.
Your Little Angel,
Ebby<3
It happened. Yesterday. As it does every year that passes without you. I tried. I tried so hard. But nothing could keep me from the obvious truth. You're gone.
I know it's been 12 years, but it feels like just yesterday... It hurts. I feel my stomach twist itself inside out and I feel like someone's just reaching down my throat and squeezing my heart while trying to punch it through my chest. There's really nothing I can do about the pain. Or the feeling. It comes and goes, but when it comes, it stays. For what seems like centuries. And that, all in itself, tears me apart.
I try to be strong because I know that's what you'd want me to be. You always were. I can't think of anyone as strong as you. You always seemed so calm and had this "I can handle anything life throws at me" attitude. I guess that's something I didn't inherit genetically...if at all. Every day that goes by, I wish I had more time. More time to spend with you. To know you and learn more about you and from you. You were always supportive. Never brought up past mistakes. Only looked toward the future and knew you could conquer the present.
How did you do it? I'll never understand. I take a look at my life and realize that, it's nothing compared to what I could've already had accomplished by this time. I feel so minor, so...insignificant. Like everything I've ever done is insignificant. How is it that you accomplished all you did? And aside from that, keep your sanity?
I miss you Mom. I wish you were here. Even when I couldn't see my hopes and dreams because I thought they were too far fetched, you believed. You believed in them, in me, and that combining me and them would change the world. How is it that you could always see what I couldn't? How is it that no matter how tightly you're tucked away in my heart, that you always feel so far away?
I don't want to cry but I don't want to forget you. Maybe sometime I can look back on April 10th, 1998 and smile. Just because you left me your memory, and even though you're gone, You're not forgotten. I love you Mom. I always will.
Your Little Angel,
Ebby<3
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