I Miss Me

Soooo...I'm just gonna say this. I miss me. Like, I've left behind everything I was and I'm kinda hating it. I wish I could get me back. I didn't try to leave myself for this...this...thing I've become, but it happened. Shit happens. And I hate that fact of life. That and Murphy's Law cuz that shit always gets me. But that's another blog, for another day.

Now that the weather is getting nicer, I just wanna drop everything I have to do and go relax. Get me? Yea. I was such an amazing person. Completely connected with nature and more carefree. I had time. I had hobbies. I explored. I discovered things and then showed everyone else. I was so proud because no one else knew what I knew.

Now I'm stuck in the same old, same old. Nothing new. Nothing to discover. I've picked this land apart and now I wanna move on. There's so much more to know, explore, discover, build, appreciate, photograph, love, nurture. Ya know?? I miss my life. I miss me. If anyone happens to see me passing by, let me know so I can kidnap me. I'd like to be me again, if that's okay with the world...

The Process of Shattering

Late.
She sits in bed
Crying tears of loss
These bridges burn so easily.

Alone.
She hugs tightly a teddy
Worn and old
Her best friend.

Breaking.
Tears flow like a waterfall
She takes deep breaths
Not able to contain her emotions.

Thinking.
Her mind races
Too fast to keep up with
She trembles and begins to shake.

Hearing.
She listens to footsteps
Outside her bedroom door
Hoping no intruders trespass.

Bowing.
Her head falls down
Into her anxiously awaiting hands
That seem so fragile and unstable.

Seeing.
Blurred by the tears
Slowly she closes her eyes
Hoping she can escape.

Shattering.
Broken on the floor
She lies in her own crimson blood
The pieces scattered and thrown away.

When Will You come Back to Me

I love you
But I shouldn't
I tried to let you go
But I couldn't.

We were everything
Remembering how we cuddled
Outside on the back porch
All night together we huddled.

I really wanna change this
I want you back so bad
But now you're taken and happy
I miss what we had.

Everytime we hugged
Everytime we kissed
You'd smile and hold me tight
To let me know I'd be missed.

But now that's all gone
I wish I could make you see
We belong in each others arms
When will you come back to me?

Confession

A late night cry
A tug at her heart
A light shines brightly
Finding words to start.

Simply "I'm Sorry"
That's all she can say
Confused and befuddled
He begins questioning away.

For her past and her future
All she's done and yet to do
He laughs at her childishly
"I would still love you."

"I have a confession
I think you should know
Don't tell anyone
Nobody knows though."

I've tried before
I can't lie
"Recently?" he asks
"How many times?"

"October" she says
"Twice" she replies
He waits awhile
To him it's no surprise.

She sobs and cries
These thoughts are nothing new
"I need to go to sleep
Tomorrow will I see you?"

Another day awaiting
Fake it through another church session
"I honestly couldn't tell ya"
And she ends another confession.

Nothingness

So, there is nothing inside of me. No feeling, no emotion, no pain, no joy. Nothing. Just numbness. My torso is as cold as the chills in winter, but my mind races so fast it feels as though it's aflame. I don't really know what put me here. Or how I got here for that matter. Oh wait. I do. It's this thing called life.

See now, life likes to screw me over as much as possible. But it's all good. I'm a good person to screw over...until it all takes the biggest turn for the worst that history's ever seen. Over the past 3 to 4 months my life has cracked, split, broken, and shattered to pieces right before my very eyes. But no one has any knowledge of this. No one but me. In a sense it's comforting, but at the same time it makes me feel incredibly lonely.

I think there was a point when I hit an alltime low, but I try to keep it hidden. It's hard sometimes. There are certain things I think it would be okay to tell people, but then I know they wouldn't understand and I think it stupid of myself to even think they would begin to get it.

Inside, my blood races an ice cold flood, but on the outside, it's not as obvious to the world as it is to me. I look in the mirror and I see black eyes. A fake smile. Pretend happiness. Circles under my eyes from sleepless nights and a soulless being staring back at me. I'm not really sure who I am anymore. I'm not quite sure I ever really did know who I was.

I've discovered this: I can ask my friends if I seem myself and they will answer yes or no; People will tell me I'm "not being myself"; and people always say they know me. But how. That's my question. If I don't even know who I am, how does everyone else in the world seem to know? I haven't quite come to a logical conclusion on that yet. I figure I never really will.

But in the long run of things I see myself in a place where I seem to be in a hole and everyone I know just keeps making that hole deeper and wider. It's almost as if I can see a light at the top and hear my name being called, but then I realize it's just a hallucination and I crawl back into the fetal position and try to keep my sanity that has already been long gone and drifted away.

It's just kind of a whatever thing now, I suppose. I want to say I just needed to vent; but there's venting, and then there's just being flat out truthful and laying it all out on a thin, limp, mustard-yellow platter. So there you have it. All my rotten eggs in one mossy-green basket. A whole lot more, but nothing less. My life is nothingness.
xoxo, eBay