Gone.

This will be my last blog post..or at least I'm hoping..or at least for a while. I find this all to be a pointless battle I'm fighting. People trying to replace me, copy me, act like me. Stop being a fucking printer and get a life because no matter how hard you try to act like me to replace me, it's not gonna happen. But I guess people are ok with you trying to replace me. And you know what? If you think you can do a better job at living my life, then go for it. You step right into my shoes and take a goddamn hike. But I'm done. I'm done trying to be what everyone fucking wants me to be. If you don't like me how I am than take a long walk, off a short bridge and don't forget to slit your throat on the way down. Fuck it. I'm done with the bullshit. You act all fuckin innocent so people won't know you're really a bitch beneath the surface. I'm gone. So fuck it, you, and everyone who caved into your little scheme. Done.

I Remember

I remember
The first night
Like it was yesterday
So clearly I'll never forget

I remember
The first game
You gave me a hug
And took my hand

I remember
The first outfit
A Michael Jackson shirt
And jeans to go with it

I remember
The first kiss
"No, I'm the lucky one"
Lips & a look that melted my core

I remember
The first meal
Cheesecake and mozzarella sticks
No strawberries for me, no cheese sticks for you

I remember
The first goodbye
Twenty minutes too short
And Dad, "Save some for later"

I remember
The first song
When you called me
And had the choir sing I'm Yours

I remember
The first outing
Went with the family
To all your comps and games

But mostly
I remember
The last goodbye
At the movie theatre
Theatre 8, 2012
Our hands holding on
Not realizing how tightly
But it was slow motion
When we let go
And that...
That was the last time I saw you
I remember

The Truth About Me

My belly is hurting. I'm angry about this..not about this, but I'm angry. I'm texting with Hayley who's at some market with her family. She's bored too. I wish I could be a real musician. Put everything together. I love how visual this music is. I'm listening to "Last Tango in Paris" by Gotan Project. Awesome stuff. I wanna travel. I just wanna go. Not even know where I'm going, but to just go. I wanna visit the spot, but I don't have a way there and back. I wanna do photgraphy, but it's kinda cold. I hate being alone. Relationship wise..and in general. I'm not eating again, but this time it's on purpose. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, but I do. Well I know why and it's starting to prove it's purpose. I look thinner today. My clothes are looser today. It's a good feeling, not gonna lie. I might be taking Jocelyn trick-or-treating with Kendra and Elena and the boys on Thursday. I've been thinking about Chris a lot lately. Ask me why and I couldn't tell you the answer. But I'm thinking about going to the Hanna game on Friday. Why? Because a part of me hopes that when he sees me he'll realize that he needs me back in his life. I've come to terms with a lot that's happened in my life, but that's still not one of them. I wanna do acting auditions. I wanna be an actress. But I'd love to learn more about photography too. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever truly be happy. No I won't. I'm a fat, ugly, blob. I want to have a baby. I want to get married. I want to have someone that cares for me. I want to be able to watch my children grow up. My heart hurts. I'm angry. There's so much I don't understand. I want what we had..I want it all back. My laptop's dying. I'm dying. I'm starving myself. I texted him back. I shouldn't have. I don't think anyone should ever know the things he's said to me. But I still text him. I still text him back. I've been tempted to text Kyle too. I'm yearning for more trouble in my life. A part of me wanted to get in that car with him. But he looked greasy. And my mind took over my instinctive side and made me say no before I could say yes. Sometimes I crave attention. It's at those times I back myself into a corner and ball myself up. But I also do that when I want to be alone. I don't know myself as well as I pretend to. I cry more than I laugh and lots of people don't know that. I fake a smile 98% of the time and I think in a way it's sad yet relieving that no one seems to notice. I wish I like acting because I like the idea of being someone I'm not. It's appealing to me. I love beig held close. It makes me feel loved, protected. I dream about the beach all the time. Sometimes I see visions of me where I'm smiling a real smile. Or at least I think so. And I wonder what it will take for me to get there. A part of me wants to show people the truly happy, fun-loving part of me but I don't know how to find it. I want the people close to me to be able to see that I'm not always depressed, that I haven't always been depressed. That I was happy at one point in time. I want them to see me smile. Not through tears, but a real smile. I want to be healthy. I want them to not have to worry about my health, about the cuts I bring on myself. The positions I put myself in just to get hurt so at least I can feel something other than depression. I dream of doing things I can't do in reality. I want to be pregnant just so I can feel some sort of connection to someone, even if they're inside of me. That way I'd never truly be alone. I want to establish myself. I have no idea of who I am. Sometimes I put myself down so that when my mood increases, I'll feel even better. I tell myself I'm fatter than I really am so that when I look in the mirror or step on the scale, I feel just an inkling better about myself than I did before. Sometimes I bury myself just to see who will try and find me. A part of me hopes that the test results will come back positive. Just so I can tell myself that it'll only be a little while now. My neck hurts. A part of me wants to get hit by a car. Get into a car accident so that I'd be laid up in the hospital. I wish I was in the hopsital. Even when people tell me that they love me, I still feel unloved everyday. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is cry. I keep telling myself "it has to get better" and I keep hoping that maybe someday it really will. I keep myself busy so that I can tell myself "I don't have time to eat right now" and end up not eating at all. I can't remember the last time my biological mother hugged me. I can't tell you the last time my biological father was there to listen to a real problem I had. I never remember my biological father ever wiping my tears away, but I only remember him being the reason for them. My family has caused more pain, suffering, and tears than they'll ever know. Even when I walk into my church, I feel judged. I feel like no one will truly ever understand me. 99% of the time I feel invisible unless I'm being yelled at or lectured. I feel like my niece sometimes sees me as her mom. I haven't completely mastered the art of the word "no" unless I'm pissed off. I can be in a room filled with people and feel alone. I can have someone hanging on me or sitting right next to me and still feel like the only(and the lonliest) person in the universe. Being cold makes your body burn more calories to get you back to normal body temperature. I have never felt at home. I can lie better than some people think. When I say I'm fine, it really means that I want you to knock down the wall and find out what's really going on. Sometimes I feel like saying something about a specific thing will open a can of worms so I will be mad at someone in my head and I'll never let them know for sake of the relationship. I'm cold. My brain and heart have never worked together. I can and do smoke still sometimes. I'm a horrible exmple. People look at me to follow but I'm a natural born leader. I go from annoyed to pissed off in 2.5 seconds. I feel 100% at home in bitch mode. I try to turn off bitch mode because I try to please everyone. I will never be good enough in my own eyes. I will never see my successes as actual sucesses because every time I succeed as a kid, no one cared. Sarcasm and bitch mode go hand in hand. I'm very indecisive. When I'm numb, I don't care. When I start feeling too many emotions at the same time, my brain powers down, my eyes twich, and I have random spasms. On top of that, I never remember what happens. Sometimes I'm only comforted by causing myself physical pain. People underestimate me more times than not. I'm like a fire, you touch me or I touch you, you'll be the one getting burned. I have a talent for "burning" people even when I try my hardest not to. Sometimes I seclude myself so that I won't hurt people but I end up hurting people anyway. A good portion of my poetry sucks. I have a difficult time expressing most of my emotions or putting them into words. Sometimes I just need a hug.

Randomness

I'm slowly beginning to realize that autumn is actually my favorite season. I don't really like spring, and winter is my 2nd favorite. Summer is 3rd I guess. I mean, autumn is so photogenic. I love the leaves; how they change color, how they crunch when you step on them. Fall is amazing. I guess it's kind of like a renewal process. We're the leaves. We grow, we change, we "fall" and new people are born as we fall away.

On another topic, I'm sitting in a "cafe" right now. I'm people watching. Thinking about writing a story. Or attempting to..once again. To my right it looks like a young woman(19-22) is having an interview..kinda. To my left, is a man who is talking with a woman who just came in. Before he was talking to man. I'd say maybe he's a psyche dr of sorts or something, but by the words being exchanged, he's not. There's a man across from me who's been on his phone almost the whole time I've been here with a laptop ad cup of coffee with him. A business man no doubt. I believe he was the same man here a few days ago working on a technology slideshow presentation.

I'm slowly realizing that it's much easier to write things than to type them. I feel like doing some free-writing. That'll probably be my next post.

I Thought God Made Mistakes

I thought God made mistakes
Not because everyone does
But only because I looked at my life
And wonder if He was buzzed

How I wound up with my parents
I really just don't know
And my sisters I was given
Must be a disgustingly sick joke

But then one day I stumbled
Upon a man that's now my dad
Would I trade him for the world? Hell no!
He's the best one I've ever had

And months passes by as wind
It was then I met my mother
Loving & so gentle
But not so much that she smothers

And days and weeks went by again
My sisters were at my side
There have been tears and smiles
But it's been an amazing ride

Although this family isn't related by blood
That's not what keeps families together
But love, loyalty, and shoulders
Is what will keep us attatched forever

He Never Left

So I sat and I thought
And I thought and I sat
And I wrote a poem
Saying he always comes back

But the more I sat
And the more I thought
I thought about what
Myself I had taught

And after a while
The wheels started turning
And I thought about everything
I thought I had been learning

But when it was all said and done
And my brain was completely cleft
My heart finally realized
The he, had never left

He Always Comes Back

He may take a moment
To love others
To gaze at the sun
But he always comes back

He might become angry
Or easily annoyed
And he may shut me off
But he always comes back

I might push him away
I may shut him out
I can scream at the top of my lungs
But he always comes back

We can get irritated with each other
I have cried countless tears on his shoulder
He might hug me when I don't want him to
But he always comes back

He has seen me at my worst
He's been the victim of my silence
Even when I can't stop talking
He always comes back

I've been the victim of abandonment
I've told him stories of my past
I thought I'd never have a Daddy
But this one
He always comes back

Slave.

Slave. That's what it is. The one word that describes my very existance on this planet, how I'm viewed. Yep. There ya go. You know what I've been doing with my day? Watching/taking care of my niece and cleaning my mom's house. Yea. My MOM's. Not mine! My mom's. At one point, I got Jocelyn down for a nap. But ya wanna know what I spent my "free time" doing? Cleaning. Yea. And you know what's sad? When I'm done cleaning THE ENTIRE HOUSE, someone will have something to say or ask if I cleaned a specific thing. They won't appreciate it.

While my niece was asleep, I got the livingroom right to the edge of perfect(aside from cleaning out the crate of computer games and software & organizing the movies which I still have to do). As soon as I turned on the faucet to start washing dishes, my niece comes out of my mom's room, all awake and throwing things around the livingroom and getting into the pile of dust & things that I hadn't gotten a chance to sweep up yet. About ten minutes later my mother decided to be of some assistance(for once) and read to Jocelyn while I got most of the dishes done. I then got on my hands and knees and proceeded to start scrubbing the kitchen floor. Needless to say, that didn't last long.

I still have to finish the kitchen(clean off the table, counter, finish the floor & dishes), start and finish the bathroom, stairs & hallway, probably make & serve dinner, clean up the mess made my making, serving, & eating dinner, & put my niece to bed. Then do everything I need to do for me; shower, laundry, research, breathe. Things of that nature. And in the process of doing ALL of this(things for me & cleaning the house), my mother(who is sleeping right now[like she's done anything with her life today]) will continuously interrupt me and ask for me to go to her room, go into the livingroom or kitchen, get something, and bring it back. THEN she will decide that as I'm leaving her room, she wants something else or something I brought her, isn't right. Then my sister will get home around 11:30pm, sit on the couch, eat(therefore making a mess I'll have to clean up), keep me up til about 1 or 2 in the morning, & then plop her daughter on me at about 9 to wake me up to watch her while she's still in the house and doesn't go to work til 2pm.

This? This is my life...on a daily...with less cleaning involved. And no nap for my niece.

For Mommy Nean... :)

This is a story my mom just read to me a few days ago.It's called "Guess How Much I Love You" by Sam McBratney It makes me feel loved by my Mommy and I will never forget cuddling on the couch and having story time :) I love you Mommy Nean.




Little Nutbrown Hare was going to bed & held on tight to Big Nutbrown Hare’s very long ears. He wanted to be sure that Big Nutbrown Hare was listening.

“Guess how much I love you” he said.

“I don’t think I could guess that” said Big Nutbrown Hare.

“This much” said Little Nutbrown Hare stretching out his arms as wide as he could go.

Big Nutbrown Hare had even longer arms. “But I love you this much” he said.

“Hmmm. That’s a lot” thought Little Nutbrown Hare

“I love you as high as I can reach” said Little Nutbrown Hare.

“I love you as high as I can reach” said Big Nutbrown Hare.

“That is very high” thought Little Nutbrown Hare. “I wish I had arms like that”

Then Little Nutbrown Hare had a good idea. He tumbled upside down then reached up the tree trunk with his feet. “I love you all the way up to my toes” he said.

“And I love you up to your toes” said Big Nutbrown Hare swinging him up over his head.

“I love you as I high as I can hop” laughed Little Nutbrown Hare, bouncing up and down.

“But I love you as high as I can hop” smiled Big Nutbrown Hare---and he hopped so high that his ears touched the branches above.

“That’s good hopping”, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. “I wish I could hop like that”.

“I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river”, cried Little Nutbrown Hare.

“I love you across the river and over the hills”, said Big Nutbrown Hare.

“That’s very far,” thought Little Nutbrown Hare. He was almost too sleepy to think anymore. Then he looked beyond the thornbushes, out into the big dark night. Nothing could be farther than the sky.

“I love you right up to the moon” he said and closed his eyes.

“Oh that’s far,’ said Big Nutbrown Hare. “That’s very, very far”

Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves. He leaned over and kissed him goodnight. Then he laid down close by and whispered with a smile. “I love you right up to the moon---and back”.

Hurting

The past 2 weeks of my life..have sucked. Completely. And now I have this sick thing going on where I might-as-well be hooked up on billions of tubes in a hospital somewhere. It hurts to move my neck, my nose is stuffed up and runny at the same time, I have a headache that comes and goes, I can't eat because it makes me feel nauseous and that's probably not helping the headache..ugh. I have to pull an extra hundred dollars from somewhere to cover part of some other chicks rent that I don't even know. I have to find a new job. Plus, I have to watch my niece this week and finsh moving stuff at the same time. And through all of this I'm so alone and somehow I'm hurting people and I don't know how. I guess I just have a talent for it. I wish I was dead. Why did I give my blade to my Dad? When I need it most, it's gone. And it's making me sick to my stomach knowing that I hurt one of the people closest to me unintentionally. I don't even deserve to be alive. Why hasn't someone killed me yet? I guess I'll just have to do it myself.

Broken Down Turns

Broken down
No more tears to be cried
But so many more to come
Every little inch
It all hurts my body, soul
And brings me to a river of tears
I can't handle this
I can't do it anymore
Everything is crashing down
Falling apart
Right before my very eyes
And no one seems to care
Everyone is annoyed
But to me
It's a feeling of loneliness
Abandonment
And being stranded with nowhere to go
But it's so hard to take it all on
By yourself
But what are you supposed to do
When people kick you when you're down
And you've put your walls
Back up
Even higher than before
And stronger yet
Where do you go
Where do you turn
When all the shoulders
You've ever leaned on
Have been turned
On you

Silly Girl

Silly girl
Who trusted
Words & phrases
That she wanted to hear

Stupid girl
Who lowered
All her walls
That kept out the hurt

Silent girl
Who closed
Her loud mouth
That protested putting walls down

Lonely girl
Who's now
Left all alone
To cry in the darkness

Just Stop

I feel like a part of me is gone. Like, there's nothing left inside of me. I feel so alone, all the time. And now the truth that I don't want to tell anyone...that I've only told to two people..I don't want anyone to know. But they'll find out. Eventually. It's not something easy to hide. But I guess. I just wish I knew if I was really feeling a lot of what I'm feeling or if I brought it on myself. Oh life..can't you just..stop?

Roots in a Storm

I pull away because I can feel you letting go
I look away because watching you walk away is killing me
I know you don't mean to abandon me
But it's happened too many times before
To trust the words of man
Or listen to false promises
Life is a river
That has swept away many of the leaves I've loved
And caught some of the others in strong currents
But I always seem to be a nearby tree
Helpless yet ever growing
No matter how many leaves drop from my branches
But you
You have become my roots
And without you I cannot survive
Yet with you I am planted where I am
Never moving
Shaking
But swaying in the breezes of a hurricane
And although you are you attached
You feel none of the rain
None of the wind
And none of the lightning
Even when you think you do
You only feel the little drips
That fall as my tears
But one day
I will wither and die
Or be torn away
From my roots
By the strength of the storm
And all you can do
Is stay grounded
And hope for a better
Stronger
More beautiful tree to grow
To replace me

Updatess

Helloooo everyone. I know it's been a while since I acually blogged or..anything to that effact, but I figured it was time for a check in. How are we all doing ladies?? After a not-so-skinny September, I've been working my ass off trying to get back into the swing of things.

The last week of September wasn't too bad, but ever since, I've been working harder. It's a lot easier to not eat and lose weight when you're at work, especially for me. See, I work in a warehouse where I'm on my feet eight hours a day. Not to mention, I have to do extra work because no one at my job wants to do their job. What they're getting paid for, I'm not entirely sure.

But I usually eat nothing on my first break, & nothing for breakfast. On lunch break, I haven't been eating anything :) But this week it's been mostly grapes. But, I work it all off in the end. Actually, right now, I'm using one of the best inventions ever; a tread desk. All it is, is a staack of shelves basically with a treadmill underneath so you can work and workout, at the same time :)

Anyway, back to my update. I am down aproximately, 7 pounds since last week!! It's amaz9ing what portion control and some walking can do for you. I'm fluxuating, but mostly about 3 pounds away from my first goal weight of 145 pounds. I know, I'm fat. Then, it'll be another 10 pounds to get down to 135 pounds. My ultimate goal weight is about 120 pounds or whenever I feel I'm thin enough..if that's possible.

It actually made me smile today, when my pants kept sliding down at work. Only because it made me realize that these same pants had at one time, barely fit me because I was so fat :) So it was just a reminder that I'm losing weight even when I feel I'm not. But the scale doesn't lie. I even weigh myself twice(once & again right after) just to make sure it's the same number.

But that's all for my update. Things are going well! Hope all of you are working your way to a smaller October! :) Good luck ladiesss! Love, Hope, & Zero Calories haha