Thinking

Lately I've been thinking. And here it all is:


1. No matter what I do I continue thinking about us and what we used to be. But you know what? You say you don't hate me, but you won't even talk to me. I hope you can't sleep and you cry and scream about it. I hope you have nightmares about it. I hope it kills you a little inside every day like it does to me. I hope you can't breathe without me and it eats you alive! I hope you feel the pain that I do. Every minute of every day. There's nothing left to be. You've gotten closure, but you left me with the open wound. I'm tired of being the only one that's hurt. Just wait. One day you'll get it. You'll realize what you lost and you'll want me back. But don't expect me to be waiting. I don't need you. And I don't even want you anymore if this is the asshole you're going to be. Leave and leave me be.


2. I don't know what I believe anymore. Everything is fake now. Nothing's real. Nothing's ever BEEN real except this nightmare I call life that I've been living. I guess my sister is starting to rub off on me because she says if God loved me, why would he put me through this? Why doesn't he listen and answer my prayers? How is that this amazing big God in the sky can see my suffering and not take my hand and lead me. Do you hate me? Is that it? I've trusted you so much and what have I gotten? What have I earned? What's been fixed? All I've been left with is tears and sleepless nights. Drama and fake friends. Alone and constantly under a dark cloud. Where's my hero? Where are you? Are you even there?


3. I just can't do this anymore. My entire life is bipolar right now. One minute everything is fine and the next my world is crushed and I'm being yelled and screamed at over some tiny stupid little thing. How do you people live with yourselves? With the pain you cause? The words you say. Every time something goes wrong, it's me. It's always me! Why doesn't anyone take responsibility for anything?! I'm tired of being blamed of being sick and nauseous and completely in a mental breakdown over this shit. What the hell have I done to deserve this? I'm a fucking teenager! What the hell do you expect from me??


4. Who the hell am I? Why the hell am I here? Look at my life. Look at where I am. What have I accomplished? What have I done? I used to think I knew who I was. So many people say that they know me. They know who I am and how I am. How is that possible? I don't even know! Why do you constantly lie to me and try to create someone I'm NOT? Every time I turn around someone is spreading a rumor or telling a story that they've composed and they tell people that's me and who I am when it's not. I don't know who I am, but I can tell you who I'm not. I'm not a slut or a whore. I don't sleep around town. I'm not the person to mess with. I'm not the perfect patsy. I'm not the little girl I used to be. I'm not an attention-whore, I'm just looking to find who I am. I'm not a popular snob who dates the guy on the football team and sleeps with him just to keep him from breaking up with me. I'm not the girl who cries when I break a nail. I'm not the strongest but I' m definitely not weak.