Dear Diary,
Every day turns into a deeper experience. He's funny, fun, sweet, and in his own little way, cute. His personality is one like no other. I never thought I'd fall for him...rephrase. I'm not falling yet, but it's almost like he's got me under a spell. I can't not talk to him. He has been the most amazing friend to me through all of life and it's attachments. He's so...adorable. Haha I mean, just the way that every time we talk he mentions going to lunch or seeing a movie, but neither of us wanna actually come out and say "date." It's cute though.
In a way, I think that if we were to date, our friendship wouldn't change. And honestly? I'm ok with that. We're really close and he gets me and a lot of what I'm going through. I think he'll be good for me and, I think I'll be good for him too. I told myself I wasn't dating for a while after the whole Chris ordeal. I also said I'd stay away from Chris' and that I wouldn't date anyone younger than me..He's older and not a Chris. It seems ok to me. I've gotten the opinion of a few people that I trust. One said to stay friends because he's..him. One said that he could actually see it working out. And another said she thinks we'd be good for each other. The only problem with the first one is that...I like him because he's him. I wouldn't like him for any other reason.
Dear Diary,
He's got me.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Important
Dear Mom,
Everyone has someone important that they write to when things happen in their lives. I guess you're that important person for me even though you're gone. I know you've seen me lately. I've been moody and depressed. My mood swings have drastically increased...it's like I'm not myself anymore. I'm definitely not the little girl you knew and loved. Despite everything going on, today was okay. It was...better. I found myself..actually..happy. I feel like, when I'm with him...I'm..I can be me. Even being near him just gives me some type of ability to deal with whatever's going on around me.
I laughed today. I laughed, and it was genuine, it was..real. It's like, when he's around...it's almost like...he can give me hope. Just a smile and I can find something within me that gives me the motivation to just smile and make it through the day. Even when we text..it's like..he knows how to make me smile. He knows exactly what I need to hear.
The only problem is, when he's not around and we're not texting, it's like...I'm so alone. Everything drops to a hopeless level of despair and I start focusing on the depth of the black hole in my life..in my heart and what it's replaced..what's supposed to be there. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to confront it. I mean, I feel like I've been on so many medications over the years for everything except the real problems, the real issues that are going on inside.
I wish you were still here. I wish you could meet everyone. I wish you could meet him. I miss you. I miss feeling loved and...wanted. I miss having you here to share my secrets. Especially now that I've got real secrets to tell.You're the only one I could ever be honest with..even though I was so young, you always..you were there. The smallest little confession and..and, you never judged me or condemned me for it. I've got so much to tell you now. I wish you didn't have to watch me grow up from such a distance. I really need you right now. I love you.
<3Ebby
Everyone has someone important that they write to when things happen in their lives. I guess you're that important person for me even though you're gone. I know you've seen me lately. I've been moody and depressed. My mood swings have drastically increased...it's like I'm not myself anymore. I'm definitely not the little girl you knew and loved. Despite everything going on, today was okay. It was...better. I found myself..actually..happy. I feel like, when I'm with him...I'm..I can be me. Even being near him just gives me some type of ability to deal with whatever's going on around me.
I laughed today. I laughed, and it was genuine, it was..real. It's like, when he's around...it's almost like...he can give me hope. Just a smile and I can find something within me that gives me the motivation to just smile and make it through the day. Even when we text..it's like..he knows how to make me smile. He knows exactly what I need to hear.
The only problem is, when he's not around and we're not texting, it's like...I'm so alone. Everything drops to a hopeless level of despair and I start focusing on the depth of the black hole in my life..in my heart and what it's replaced..what's supposed to be there. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to confront it. I mean, I feel like I've been on so many medications over the years for everything except the real problems, the real issues that are going on inside.
I wish you were still here. I wish you could meet everyone. I wish you could meet him. I miss you. I miss feeling loved and...wanted. I miss having you here to share my secrets. Especially now that I've got real secrets to tell.You're the only one I could ever be honest with..even though I was so young, you always..you were there. The smallest little confession and..and, you never judged me or condemned me for it. I've got so much to tell you now. I wish you didn't have to watch me grow up from such a distance. I really need you right now. I love you.
<3Ebby
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