I hated myself. I still hate myself. When everywhere you look you see everything you aren't. You look in the mirror & think why? Why am I cursed with this body, this ugly face? And you just cry & you get so mad that you throw things & hit things & you just wanna rip your own face off. You wish you could just dig your nails into every inch of you & tear out the imperfections. And you try, but but your nails only go so deep. But the pain feels good; finally something I can control. So you take the hate out on yourself because after all, this is the image that breaks you down & ruins your life & cuts slashes in your self esteem, in your confidence. Maybe, you think, if I can just lose a few pounds, but a few pounds is never enough. And you get frustrated and you eat more because you're frustrated and you're getting nowhere. Then one day, you don't feel like eating. You skip 1 meal, 2 meals; suddenly it's time for bed & it feels so good feeling so empty. You almost think you look a little thinner. Then the next day comes & you just snack because you're too busy to eat meals. A few days in an it starts to feel good. You're controlling your eating and eating nothing feels great. You start to notice your favorite jeans are a little easier to button up. The trend continues until you find yourself consuming only bottled water & nutrigrain bars. Then you start exercising..and it becomes addictive. 5 hours straight a day, just one more quarter mile on the treadmill & 1 more game on the wii fit. But it's never enough, you always keep pushing. Then one day you realize you're in a rut. It's an endless cycle. And in some weird twisted way, you're ok with that.
