Nothingness

So, there is nothing inside of me. No feeling, no emotion, no pain, no joy. Nothing. Just numbness. My torso is as cold as the chills in winter, but my mind races so fast it feels as though it's aflame. I don't really know what put me here. Or how I got here for that matter. Oh wait. I do. It's this thing called life.

See now, life likes to screw me over as much as possible. But it's all good. I'm a good person to screw over...until it all takes the biggest turn for the worst that history's ever seen. Over the past 3 to 4 months my life has cracked, split, broken, and shattered to pieces right before my very eyes. But no one has any knowledge of this. No one but me. In a sense it's comforting, but at the same time it makes me feel incredibly lonely.

I think there was a point when I hit an alltime low, but I try to keep it hidden. It's hard sometimes. There are certain things I think it would be okay to tell people, but then I know they wouldn't understand and I think it stupid of myself to even think they would begin to get it.

Inside, my blood races an ice cold flood, but on the outside, it's not as obvious to the world as it is to me. I look in the mirror and I see black eyes. A fake smile. Pretend happiness. Circles under my eyes from sleepless nights and a soulless being staring back at me. I'm not really sure who I am anymore. I'm not quite sure I ever really did know who I was.

I've discovered this: I can ask my friends if I seem myself and they will answer yes or no; People will tell me I'm "not being myself"; and people always say they know me. But how. That's my question. If I don't even know who I am, how does everyone else in the world seem to know? I haven't quite come to a logical conclusion on that yet. I figure I never really will.

But in the long run of things I see myself in a place where I seem to be in a hole and everyone I know just keeps making that hole deeper and wider. It's almost as if I can see a light at the top and hear my name being called, but then I realize it's just a hallucination and I crawl back into the fetal position and try to keep my sanity that has already been long gone and drifted away.

It's just kind of a whatever thing now, I suppose. I want to say I just needed to vent; but there's venting, and then there's just being flat out truthful and laying it all out on a thin, limp, mustard-yellow platter. So there you have it. All my rotten eggs in one mossy-green basket. A whole lot more, but nothing less. My life is nothingness.
xoxo, eBay