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For some reason I've been super depressed the past 2 days. I got very little sleep last night as I spent about an hour crying over several different things. I'm not sure why I'm writing this blog, maybe just to help clear my mind or sort things, or just get it all out I guess. I don't know why I've been depressed, I guess just everything catching up with me. Things haven't been crazy busy or anything, & I guess that's why. I'm finally getting the chance...well..I wouldn't call it a chance. ...The...time and neutral to be able to start processing all these pent up emotions from all these different things that have happened this year. I don't really know what to say to anyone and I wanna talk about it but I don't know how. All I wanna do is cry. I wanna be alone and cry. That's it. And I know part of that is selfish since I'm married and have a child, but sometimes a mom needs time to herself. To mourn by herself.and be alone. I just wanna disappear.. And I don't have the strength or emotional stability to deal with any of it. I just wanna cry. All the time. But why? I have a wonderful husband and a fantastic daughter. Why is it that I have been walking around in a fog and just going through the emotions. I love my husband, but I wait until he goes to sleep to cry and cry and cry. But no matter how much I cry, it's never enough. No matter how dry my eyes are,there are always more tears to be shed. I refuse to cry in front of my daughter & I try to limit my crying fits with my husband to only major stuff. I hate having g to subject him to listening/watching me cry & ramble when he probably just nods along anyway. Not to mention, I just don't like crying in front of people. I just done let my guard down like that. I don't want to be around people. I wanna talk about it but I'm just too damn out of sorts. Not to mention I've been feeling super subconscious lately. I told myself I would lose weight but now it's like I've lost motivation to exercise and eat right, but I hate myself because I'm fat & ugly. I thought I was done with major depression spirals but all I wanna do is lock myself in my room and go into hermit mode but I'm a stay at home mom. I can't do that. I just done know what to do. I just need to go out for a long drive, not care where I go or end up, & just sit, & cry. I miss being able to do that. I just hate myself. I've done nothing with my life and I probably never will because I never finish anything or I don't have ambition. I had tons of help applying to colleges and trying to get in, but did I go to college? Of course not.

Bullies and Memories

So, it's been a while since I actually looked back at my past because it's a place I like to leave behind close titanium doors with chains and locks bound around its dark trenches; but today it someone burst out of its entrapmentad in just a flash, glanced at me before returning to its prison. But it was too late. The chains it had broken were not able to be reassembled; its pandorica free of any blockade or wall between us. The black ghosts now spread out invite my mind, pulling memories here and there and causing havoc that no being is able to undo. Its a chaos that slips down from my mind, into my heart and weighs it down like an elephant on a lily pad. Then it floats down into my stomach creating a pit that resembles a black hole and it is there that it make its home. I know I am not alone in this chaos and havoc and I know everyone has their own black ghosts, some just blend in with the darkness better. Whenever I leave my house, I try to look at least decent(even as a mom) just for me so I know I have improved myself,but why? Is it to impress strangers I come in contact with? No, they'll probably never see me again. So why care? Because deep down, we DO care what people think. I had thought I had gotten over that, being an adult now, and realizing that no matter what, I am me and that's perfectly fine. It was a lie. I leave my house trying to look my best because in that pandorica are tiny voices that still repeat and echo the words of those mean bullies in school. I never wanted to admit it, but I was bullied in school. I was never quite right; not thin enough, not pretty enough,I wasn't popular or rich, & some days wasn't the freshest I could be. And what did that get me? The lowest grade you could be in school; a target. No "F" will ever be beneath it. And the worst part is, I tries to overcompensate to fit in with friends who weren't from school because I didn't want them to know what other people thought of me; the value stamp I'd already been marked with. It was a chance to be what I wasn't at school. And it was nice that people saw my personality and not my low grade target sticker on my forehead and back. But here I am, 3, almost 4, years out of high school-a wife, a mom- and still today I cried for several minutes over the hurtful things the bullies said back then..even in middle school. I like to think I'm a rather nice person but I bet no one I went to school would know if you asked aside from about 4 or 5 friends I still love and talk to today. It all started in 6th grade. That's 10 years ago now. Almost 11. And here I am, still thinking about the harsh things kids said. I never told my mom, my sisters, some of the teachers knew...But I was ashamed that I was not good enough..I still am. How do you escape something that haunts you in every shadow and around every corner? How is it that I am 21 years old, married, with a child and still I'm affected by this? It's depressing. I don't want pity for being bullied, I don't want half-hearted apologies from the bullies...I just want to be able to move on with my life and be me. But that will never happen. I can push it away all I want, but it'll always still be there. There is no time machine, there is no amount of therapy, and no matter much my self-confidence improves, there will always be words, echoes, knowing that I wasn't good enough for 5 years. Then I went to cyber school where I had no friends because no one knew each other. I don't know.

Heavy Shadows

Depression weighs heavy on my mind these days Like an elephant on a tightrope, just waiting to fall To take the plunge, the drift Into darkness where light is captive in corners And hope is trapped in the shadows Nothing but shadows Of shame and distress Anxiety, loss, & loneliness Where nothing makes sense And you don't know why But tears always claw their way to the surface And drown you in lies and self-loathing Where you believe it Because darkness seems to be a place to call home now Because the darkness has stolen the only small match you carried Because you and the match have both burnt out