One Word

Depression is back again. Funny how things work like that. One minute you're fine, the next you're reliving every horrible feeling ever in your life. But what triggers it? Sometimes it's obvious things like a death or a snide comment from a stranger or someone you know. But when it's a quick change, the flick of a switch, how do you see it coming? How do you prevent it? When nothing particular happens, how do you fix it? Answering those questions like, "What happened?" "How can I help?" "Why are you so sad?", suddenly brings a whole nother level of depression on because you don't know. You don't know why, and that makes you depressed that you can't pull yourself out of this and that you have no reason to even be feeling this way. Somehow I always come back to that. The times when you just don't know why you're so depressed and no one understands. It makes everything even worse. Those times when all you want is to be alone, but you can't. You're smiling watching your daughter slide and then all of the sudden you just get that feeling in the pit of your stomach and a cold chill takes over your body. Nothing is wrong, there was no trigger, just a sudden depression; for no reason. Is there any way to feel normal? Music makes it worse, but it makes you feel better to cry. So many questions; most of them beginning with one word- how.

Progression of the Monster

I hated myself. I still hate myself. When everywhere you look you see everything you aren't. You look in the mirror & think why? Why am I cursed with this body, this ugly face? And you just cry & you get so mad that you throw things & hit things & you just wanna rip your own face off. You wish you could just dig your nails into every inch of you & tear out the imperfections. And you try, but but your nails only go so deep. But the pain feels good; finally something I can control. So you take the hate out on yourself because after all, this is the image that breaks you down & ruins your life & cuts slashes in your self esteem, in your confidence. Maybe, you think, if I can just lose a few pounds, but a few pounds is never enough. And you get frustrated and you eat more because you're frustrated and you're getting nowhere. Then one day, you don't feel like eating. You skip 1 meal, 2 meals; suddenly it's time for bed & it feels so good feeling so empty. You almost think you look a little thinner. Then the next day comes & you just snack because you're too busy to eat meals. A few days in an it starts to feel good. You're controlling your eating and eating nothing feels great. You start to notice your favorite jeans are a little easier to button up. The trend continues until you find yourself consuming only bottled water & nutrigrain bars. Then you start exercising..and it becomes addictive. 5 hours straight a day, just one more quarter mile on the treadmill & 1 more game on the wii fit. But it's never enough, you always keep pushing. Then one day you realize you're in a rut. It's an endless cycle. And in some weird twisted way, you're ok with that.