Now

I'm so angry. Everything around me is spinning and my thoughts won't shut up. I thought I'd never have to do this again. I thought it was over. I thought I had it under control. How is it that within 48 hours I haven't been able to calm down at all? This is ridiculous. I feel out of control. I feel nauseous and like someone's stabbing me in the side. I have a headache that won't let up and the pain just keeps getting worse. I got to a point where I almost broke down in tears today...now that I'm alone..kinda, I couldn't cry if I was run over by a stampede of elephants. Everything is mixed and jumbled and nowhere near sanity. Right now, I'm curled up in a ball with my head spinning and random black outs. I can't sleep, but I NEED to sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just be dead?

File Report

File Name: Progress
Operation: Black Hole
Person/Persons: Ebony J.
Objective: Kill Her


Ebony is running from death itself. In other words, she's running from herself. She's on foot in full sprint, but her past is in an 18-wheeler. She's weak. She's falling apart. Now is the time to attack. As her mind fades and her thoughts race we are already a step ahead. We have tapped into her brain and are sucking the life out of her bit by bit.

We got to her in the night. She was dreaming, a death-trap set by our professionals. We took the bottled anger from her shelf and let the black fumes loose in her blood stream & her muscles tensed for a moment. These fumes would then spread to her eyes, making them pitch black to her. This is part of a prgram that will lead her to disown herself because she doesn't recognize herself. We've also increased the power and frequency of her headaches and can now control them from HQ along with the speed of her thoughts.

Also, we've been able to fubar her contact center. We are in the process of drawing her away from communicating with others and turning her into a dispised loner. This program is going quite well and is making quick progress.

We've tapped her senses. Her temptations. We are proud to announce that we have successfully put her on a track back to who she used to be. The quality of our work is never compromised and is above any other comparison. We plan to slowly drain her of everything and everyone she knows and loves and eventually kill her , feeding the process on her own anger. Thank you for your time.

Run to You

I run to you
Because you make
Me feel
Safe
When all hope is
Gone
And I'm
Hanging
On
By a thread
You take
The knife
From my hand
And offer
Your hand
In exchange
You are
The only one I can
Run to where
The arms are open
Wide
And not folded with
Disappointment
And disgrace
You don't know how much
You mean to me
And how
Often
I feel like
A speck
And a child
Unable to
Stand on my
Own
When I run
To you

A Double Dose of Tears

Every night she holds her
And she just cries over her
Her little limp body so peaceful
So nieve
So unaware of weak her caretaker becomes
Every night once she's asleep

It's so hard to watch her cry
Because she knows wht it's like
To cry for something, someone
Who just isn't there
And to see the way that little girl breaks
Breaks her heart again and again

She lays her heaad on her shoulder
Only to shed tears behind her back
And she has no idea
What her caretakers tearss mean
Or why they've shown themselves
As she stops her crying to watch

She'll even wipe away her tears with her tiny fingers
After her own tears have been wiped away
But at the end of the day
After the crying has ceased
The young one can lay her head down
And sleep away the tears

But that's the difference between the two
She can sleep it off
And be fine in the morning
But I'm up all night
Crying
And my mourning,
And my morning,
Don't bring relief

Gone.

This will be my last blog post..or at least I'm hoping..or at least for a while. I find this all to be a pointless battle I'm fighting. People trying to replace me, copy me, act like me. Stop being a fucking printer and get a life because no matter how hard you try to act like me to replace me, it's not gonna happen. But I guess people are ok with you trying to replace me. And you know what? If you think you can do a better job at living my life, then go for it. You step right into my shoes and take a goddamn hike. But I'm done. I'm done trying to be what everyone fucking wants me to be. If you don't like me how I am than take a long walk, off a short bridge and don't forget to slit your throat on the way down. Fuck it. I'm done with the bullshit. You act all fuckin innocent so people won't know you're really a bitch beneath the surface. I'm gone. So fuck it, you, and everyone who caved into your little scheme. Done.

I Remember

I remember
The first night
Like it was yesterday
So clearly I'll never forget

I remember
The first game
You gave me a hug
And took my hand

I remember
The first outfit
A Michael Jackson shirt
And jeans to go with it

I remember
The first kiss
"No, I'm the lucky one"
Lips & a look that melted my core

I remember
The first meal
Cheesecake and mozzarella sticks
No strawberries for me, no cheese sticks for you

I remember
The first goodbye
Twenty minutes too short
And Dad, "Save some for later"

I remember
The first song
When you called me
And had the choir sing I'm Yours

I remember
The first outing
Went with the family
To all your comps and games

But mostly
I remember
The last goodbye
At the movie theatre
Theatre 8, 2012
Our hands holding on
Not realizing how tightly
But it was slow motion
When we let go
And that...
That was the last time I saw you
I remember

The Truth About Me

My belly is hurting. I'm angry about this..not about this, but I'm angry. I'm texting with Hayley who's at some market with her family. She's bored too. I wish I could be a real musician. Put everything together. I love how visual this music is. I'm listening to "Last Tango in Paris" by Gotan Project. Awesome stuff. I wanna travel. I just wanna go. Not even know where I'm going, but to just go. I wanna visit the spot, but I don't have a way there and back. I wanna do photgraphy, but it's kinda cold. I hate being alone. Relationship wise..and in general. I'm not eating again, but this time it's on purpose. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, but I do. Well I know why and it's starting to prove it's purpose. I look thinner today. My clothes are looser today. It's a good feeling, not gonna lie. I might be taking Jocelyn trick-or-treating with Kendra and Elena and the boys on Thursday. I've been thinking about Chris a lot lately. Ask me why and I couldn't tell you the answer. But I'm thinking about going to the Hanna game on Friday. Why? Because a part of me hopes that when he sees me he'll realize that he needs me back in his life. I've come to terms with a lot that's happened in my life, but that's still not one of them. I wanna do acting auditions. I wanna be an actress. But I'd love to learn more about photography too. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever truly be happy. No I won't. I'm a fat, ugly, blob. I want to have a baby. I want to get married. I want to have someone that cares for me. I want to be able to watch my children grow up. My heart hurts. I'm angry. There's so much I don't understand. I want what we had..I want it all back. My laptop's dying. I'm dying. I'm starving myself. I texted him back. I shouldn't have. I don't think anyone should ever know the things he's said to me. But I still text him. I still text him back. I've been tempted to text Kyle too. I'm yearning for more trouble in my life. A part of me wanted to get in that car with him. But he looked greasy. And my mind took over my instinctive side and made me say no before I could say yes. Sometimes I crave attention. It's at those times I back myself into a corner and ball myself up. But I also do that when I want to be alone. I don't know myself as well as I pretend to. I cry more than I laugh and lots of people don't know that. I fake a smile 98% of the time and I think in a way it's sad yet relieving that no one seems to notice. I wish I like acting because I like the idea of being someone I'm not. It's appealing to me. I love beig held close. It makes me feel loved, protected. I dream about the beach all the time. Sometimes I see visions of me where I'm smiling a real smile. Or at least I think so. And I wonder what it will take for me to get there. A part of me wants to show people the truly happy, fun-loving part of me but I don't know how to find it. I want the people close to me to be able to see that I'm not always depressed, that I haven't always been depressed. That I was happy at one point in time. I want them to see me smile. Not through tears, but a real smile. I want to be healthy. I want them to not have to worry about my health, about the cuts I bring on myself. The positions I put myself in just to get hurt so at least I can feel something other than depression. I dream of doing things I can't do in reality. I want to be pregnant just so I can feel some sort of connection to someone, even if they're inside of me. That way I'd never truly be alone. I want to establish myself. I have no idea of who I am. Sometimes I put myself down so that when my mood increases, I'll feel even better. I tell myself I'm fatter than I really am so that when I look in the mirror or step on the scale, I feel just an inkling better about myself than I did before. Sometimes I bury myself just to see who will try and find me. A part of me hopes that the test results will come back positive. Just so I can tell myself that it'll only be a little while now. My neck hurts. A part of me wants to get hit by a car. Get into a car accident so that I'd be laid up in the hospital. I wish I was in the hopsital. Even when people tell me that they love me, I still feel unloved everyday. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is cry. I keep telling myself "it has to get better" and I keep hoping that maybe someday it really will. I keep myself busy so that I can tell myself "I don't have time to eat right now" and end up not eating at all. I can't remember the last time my biological mother hugged me. I can't tell you the last time my biological father was there to listen to a real problem I had. I never remember my biological father ever wiping my tears away, but I only remember him being the reason for them. My family has caused more pain, suffering, and tears than they'll ever know. Even when I walk into my church, I feel judged. I feel like no one will truly ever understand me. 99% of the time I feel invisible unless I'm being yelled at or lectured. I feel like my niece sometimes sees me as her mom. I haven't completely mastered the art of the word "no" unless I'm pissed off. I can be in a room filled with people and feel alone. I can have someone hanging on me or sitting right next to me and still feel like the only(and the lonliest) person in the universe. Being cold makes your body burn more calories to get you back to normal body temperature. I have never felt at home. I can lie better than some people think. When I say I'm fine, it really means that I want you to knock down the wall and find out what's really going on. Sometimes I feel like saying something about a specific thing will open a can of worms so I will be mad at someone in my head and I'll never let them know for sake of the relationship. I'm cold. My brain and heart have never worked together. I can and do smoke still sometimes. I'm a horrible exmple. People look at me to follow but I'm a natural born leader. I go from annoyed to pissed off in 2.5 seconds. I feel 100% at home in bitch mode. I try to turn off bitch mode because I try to please everyone. I will never be good enough in my own eyes. I will never see my successes as actual sucesses because every time I succeed as a kid, no one cared. Sarcasm and bitch mode go hand in hand. I'm very indecisive. When I'm numb, I don't care. When I start feeling too many emotions at the same time, my brain powers down, my eyes twich, and I have random spasms. On top of that, I never remember what happens. Sometimes I'm only comforted by causing myself physical pain. People underestimate me more times than not. I'm like a fire, you touch me or I touch you, you'll be the one getting burned. I have a talent for "burning" people even when I try my hardest not to. Sometimes I seclude myself so that I won't hurt people but I end up hurting people anyway. A good portion of my poetry sucks. I have a difficult time expressing most of my emotions or putting them into words. Sometimes I just need a hug.

Randomness

I'm slowly beginning to realize that autumn is actually my favorite season. I don't really like spring, and winter is my 2nd favorite. Summer is 3rd I guess. I mean, autumn is so photogenic. I love the leaves; how they change color, how they crunch when you step on them. Fall is amazing. I guess it's kind of like a renewal process. We're the leaves. We grow, we change, we "fall" and new people are born as we fall away.

On another topic, I'm sitting in a "cafe" right now. I'm people watching. Thinking about writing a story. Or attempting to..once again. To my right it looks like a young woman(19-22) is having an interview..kinda. To my left, is a man who is talking with a woman who just came in. Before he was talking to man. I'd say maybe he's a psyche dr of sorts or something, but by the words being exchanged, he's not. There's a man across from me who's been on his phone almost the whole time I've been here with a laptop ad cup of coffee with him. A business man no doubt. I believe he was the same man here a few days ago working on a technology slideshow presentation.

I'm slowly realizing that it's much easier to write things than to type them. I feel like doing some free-writing. That'll probably be my next post.

I Thought God Made Mistakes

I thought God made mistakes
Not because everyone does
But only because I looked at my life
And wonder if He was buzzed

How I wound up with my parents
I really just don't know
And my sisters I was given
Must be a disgustingly sick joke

But then one day I stumbled
Upon a man that's now my dad
Would I trade him for the world? Hell no!
He's the best one I've ever had

And months passes by as wind
It was then I met my mother
Loving & so gentle
But not so much that she smothers

And days and weeks went by again
My sisters were at my side
There have been tears and smiles
But it's been an amazing ride

Although this family isn't related by blood
That's not what keeps families together
But love, loyalty, and shoulders
Is what will keep us attatched forever

He Never Left

So I sat and I thought
And I thought and I sat
And I wrote a poem
Saying he always comes back

But the more I sat
And the more I thought
I thought about what
Myself I had taught

And after a while
The wheels started turning
And I thought about everything
I thought I had been learning

But when it was all said and done
And my brain was completely cleft
My heart finally realized
The he, had never left

He Always Comes Back

He may take a moment
To love others
To gaze at the sun
But he always comes back

He might become angry
Or easily annoyed
And he may shut me off
But he always comes back

I might push him away
I may shut him out
I can scream at the top of my lungs
But he always comes back

We can get irritated with each other
I have cried countless tears on his shoulder
He might hug me when I don't want him to
But he always comes back

He has seen me at my worst
He's been the victim of my silence
Even when I can't stop talking
He always comes back

I've been the victim of abandonment
I've told him stories of my past
I thought I'd never have a Daddy
But this one
He always comes back

Slave.

Slave. That's what it is. The one word that describes my very existance on this planet, how I'm viewed. Yep. There ya go. You know what I've been doing with my day? Watching/taking care of my niece and cleaning my mom's house. Yea. My MOM's. Not mine! My mom's. At one point, I got Jocelyn down for a nap. But ya wanna know what I spent my "free time" doing? Cleaning. Yea. And you know what's sad? When I'm done cleaning THE ENTIRE HOUSE, someone will have something to say or ask if I cleaned a specific thing. They won't appreciate it.

While my niece was asleep, I got the livingroom right to the edge of perfect(aside from cleaning out the crate of computer games and software & organizing the movies which I still have to do). As soon as I turned on the faucet to start washing dishes, my niece comes out of my mom's room, all awake and throwing things around the livingroom and getting into the pile of dust & things that I hadn't gotten a chance to sweep up yet. About ten minutes later my mother decided to be of some assistance(for once) and read to Jocelyn while I got most of the dishes done. I then got on my hands and knees and proceeded to start scrubbing the kitchen floor. Needless to say, that didn't last long.

I still have to finish the kitchen(clean off the table, counter, finish the floor & dishes), start and finish the bathroom, stairs & hallway, probably make & serve dinner, clean up the mess made my making, serving, & eating dinner, & put my niece to bed. Then do everything I need to do for me; shower, laundry, research, breathe. Things of that nature. And in the process of doing ALL of this(things for me & cleaning the house), my mother(who is sleeping right now[like she's done anything with her life today]) will continuously interrupt me and ask for me to go to her room, go into the livingroom or kitchen, get something, and bring it back. THEN she will decide that as I'm leaving her room, she wants something else or something I brought her, isn't right. Then my sister will get home around 11:30pm, sit on the couch, eat(therefore making a mess I'll have to clean up), keep me up til about 1 or 2 in the morning, & then plop her daughter on me at about 9 to wake me up to watch her while she's still in the house and doesn't go to work til 2pm.

This? This is my life...on a daily...with less cleaning involved. And no nap for my niece.

For Mommy Nean... :)

This is a story my mom just read to me a few days ago.It's called "Guess How Much I Love You" by Sam McBratney It makes me feel loved by my Mommy and I will never forget cuddling on the couch and having story time :) I love you Mommy Nean.




Little Nutbrown Hare was going to bed & held on tight to Big Nutbrown Hare’s very long ears. He wanted to be sure that Big Nutbrown Hare was listening.

“Guess how much I love you” he said.

“I don’t think I could guess that” said Big Nutbrown Hare.

“This much” said Little Nutbrown Hare stretching out his arms as wide as he could go.

Big Nutbrown Hare had even longer arms. “But I love you this much” he said.

“Hmmm. That’s a lot” thought Little Nutbrown Hare

“I love you as high as I can reach” said Little Nutbrown Hare.

“I love you as high as I can reach” said Big Nutbrown Hare.

“That is very high” thought Little Nutbrown Hare. “I wish I had arms like that”

Then Little Nutbrown Hare had a good idea. He tumbled upside down then reached up the tree trunk with his feet. “I love you all the way up to my toes” he said.

“And I love you up to your toes” said Big Nutbrown Hare swinging him up over his head.

“I love you as I high as I can hop” laughed Little Nutbrown Hare, bouncing up and down.

“But I love you as high as I can hop” smiled Big Nutbrown Hare---and he hopped so high that his ears touched the branches above.

“That’s good hopping”, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. “I wish I could hop like that”.

“I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river”, cried Little Nutbrown Hare.

“I love you across the river and over the hills”, said Big Nutbrown Hare.

“That’s very far,” thought Little Nutbrown Hare. He was almost too sleepy to think anymore. Then he looked beyond the thornbushes, out into the big dark night. Nothing could be farther than the sky.

“I love you right up to the moon” he said and closed his eyes.

“Oh that’s far,’ said Big Nutbrown Hare. “That’s very, very far”

Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves. He leaned over and kissed him goodnight. Then he laid down close by and whispered with a smile. “I love you right up to the moon---and back”.

Hurting

The past 2 weeks of my life..have sucked. Completely. And now I have this sick thing going on where I might-as-well be hooked up on billions of tubes in a hospital somewhere. It hurts to move my neck, my nose is stuffed up and runny at the same time, I have a headache that comes and goes, I can't eat because it makes me feel nauseous and that's probably not helping the headache..ugh. I have to pull an extra hundred dollars from somewhere to cover part of some other chicks rent that I don't even know. I have to find a new job. Plus, I have to watch my niece this week and finsh moving stuff at the same time. And through all of this I'm so alone and somehow I'm hurting people and I don't know how. I guess I just have a talent for it. I wish I was dead. Why did I give my blade to my Dad? When I need it most, it's gone. And it's making me sick to my stomach knowing that I hurt one of the people closest to me unintentionally. I don't even deserve to be alive. Why hasn't someone killed me yet? I guess I'll just have to do it myself.

Broken Down Turns

Broken down
No more tears to be cried
But so many more to come
Every little inch
It all hurts my body, soul
And brings me to a river of tears
I can't handle this
I can't do it anymore
Everything is crashing down
Falling apart
Right before my very eyes
And no one seems to care
Everyone is annoyed
But to me
It's a feeling of loneliness
Abandonment
And being stranded with nowhere to go
But it's so hard to take it all on
By yourself
But what are you supposed to do
When people kick you when you're down
And you've put your walls
Back up
Even higher than before
And stronger yet
Where do you go
Where do you turn
When all the shoulders
You've ever leaned on
Have been turned
On you

Silly Girl

Silly girl
Who trusted
Words & phrases
That she wanted to hear

Stupid girl
Who lowered
All her walls
That kept out the hurt

Silent girl
Who closed
Her loud mouth
That protested putting walls down

Lonely girl
Who's now
Left all alone
To cry in the darkness

Just Stop

I feel like a part of me is gone. Like, there's nothing left inside of me. I feel so alone, all the time. And now the truth that I don't want to tell anyone...that I've only told to two people..I don't want anyone to know. But they'll find out. Eventually. It's not something easy to hide. But I guess. I just wish I knew if I was really feeling a lot of what I'm feeling or if I brought it on myself. Oh life..can't you just..stop?

Roots in a Storm

I pull away because I can feel you letting go
I look away because watching you walk away is killing me
I know you don't mean to abandon me
But it's happened too many times before
To trust the words of man
Or listen to false promises
Life is a river
That has swept away many of the leaves I've loved
And caught some of the others in strong currents
But I always seem to be a nearby tree
Helpless yet ever growing
No matter how many leaves drop from my branches
But you
You have become my roots
And without you I cannot survive
Yet with you I am planted where I am
Never moving
Shaking
But swaying in the breezes of a hurricane
And although you are you attached
You feel none of the rain
None of the wind
And none of the lightning
Even when you think you do
You only feel the little drips
That fall as my tears
But one day
I will wither and die
Or be torn away
From my roots
By the strength of the storm
And all you can do
Is stay grounded
And hope for a better
Stronger
More beautiful tree to grow
To replace me

Updatess

Helloooo everyone. I know it's been a while since I acually blogged or..anything to that effact, but I figured it was time for a check in. How are we all doing ladies?? After a not-so-skinny September, I've been working my ass off trying to get back into the swing of things.

The last week of September wasn't too bad, but ever since, I've been working harder. It's a lot easier to not eat and lose weight when you're at work, especially for me. See, I work in a warehouse where I'm on my feet eight hours a day. Not to mention, I have to do extra work because no one at my job wants to do their job. What they're getting paid for, I'm not entirely sure.

But I usually eat nothing on my first break, & nothing for breakfast. On lunch break, I haven't been eating anything :) But this week it's been mostly grapes. But, I work it all off in the end. Actually, right now, I'm using one of the best inventions ever; a tread desk. All it is, is a staack of shelves basically with a treadmill underneath so you can work and workout, at the same time :)

Anyway, back to my update. I am down aproximately, 7 pounds since last week!! It's amaz9ing what portion control and some walking can do for you. I'm fluxuating, but mostly about 3 pounds away from my first goal weight of 145 pounds. I know, I'm fat. Then, it'll be another 10 pounds to get down to 135 pounds. My ultimate goal weight is about 120 pounds or whenever I feel I'm thin enough..if that's possible.

It actually made me smile today, when my pants kept sliding down at work. Only because it made me realize that these same pants had at one time, barely fit me because I was so fat :) So it was just a reminder that I'm losing weight even when I feel I'm not. But the scale doesn't lie. I even weigh myself twice(once & again right after) just to make sure it's the same number.

But that's all for my update. Things are going well! Hope all of you are working your way to a smaller October! :) Good luck ladiesss! Love, Hope, & Zero Calories haha

Random Quotes & Verses

Quote
Get knowledge—but don't depend on your knowledge. Seek to be wise—but don't rely on your wisdom. Work hard—but don't trust in your hard work. Work smart—but don't stake everything on your own cleverness and efficiency. Be ethical—but don't lean on your morality. Make plans—but don't hope in your plans. Save money—but don't trust your savings. Add up your numbers—but don't count on them. Value people—but don't depend on people.


Unless you spread your wings and fly, you will never know how high you can go.


Biblical Reflections

1 "What we have at the center of our attention is what has us. King David is both a positive and negative example of this principle. Whatever he gave his attention to would either "make him" or "break him.""

2 God loves us enough to accept us as we are, but' He loves us too much to leave us that way. Could anything be better? (Philippians 1:6).

3 Nothing is so relevant as the eternal. A Jewish man named Asaph learned this thousand of years ago while struggling with feelings of envy, disappointment/ and doubt (Psalm 73).

4 We see things not only as they are, but as we are. (Titus 1:15).

5 To change we must want something else more than what we now have. Maybe this is why the Scriptures say we will find the Lord (and the heart-changing help of His Spirit) only when we look for Him with all of our heart (Jeremiah 29:13).

6 Live for what you will not regret when you die. What profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? (Matthew 16:26).

7 "The secret of abundance is found not in what we have, but in what we enjoy (or are thankful for). Paul expressed this in his letter to the Philippians (Ch. 4). Nothing produces wealth more quickly or certainly than a heart of gratefulness."

8 The poorest of all are those who don’t know who to thank for the sunshine—or who to trust in the dark. Isaiah said it with an edge. Even the ox knows his master, and the donkey knows where to find his food (Isaiah 1:3). Those who don't know their God are poorer than both of them.

9 You can learn more from your critics than from your admirers. One group likes us the way we are. But in the end, it doesn't matter why the other group is telling us what we don't want to hear (Proverbs 27:6; Psalm 141:5).

10 When I am in the presence of God, it seems profoundly unbecoming to demand anything. Francis Schaeffer. No one understood this better than our Lord, who said, “Nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.” (Luke 22:42)

11 Attack problems, not people. We can get the two so confused until I remember the words and spirit of Christ (Matthew 5:43-44).

12 For some troubles. God has not given us answers—He's given us His Son. That was His gift to the thief on the cross (Luke 23:43) and to us.

13 What God thinks of us is more important than what we think of ourselves. Paul seemed to have this down pretty well. He showed that. be not only took the opinions of others with a grain of salt, but his own as well (1 Corinthians 4:3-4; Romans

14 Fear God—not to run from Him, but to Him.
This might be even more basic than loving Him (Proverbs 1:7; 9:10).

15 Get knowledge—but don't depend on your knowledge. Seek to be wise—but don't rely on your wisdom. Work hard—but don't trust in your hard work. Work smart—but don't stake everything on your own cleverness and efficiency. Be ethical—but don't lean on your morality. Make plans—but don't hope in your plans. Save money—but don't trust your savings. Add up your numbers—but don't count on them. Value people—but don't depend on people. I'm intrigued with that lengthy New Testament letter that doesn't ever mention the subject of idols by name—yet abruptly ends with the words, "Little children, keep yourselves from idols" (1 John 5:21).

16 We are saved by God's mercy, not our merit; but by Christ dying, not our doing; by trusting, not by trying. If it comes down to having one or the other, we’d do well to trade all of our assets and education for this one thought (Ephesians 2:8-9).

17 "Worse than blindness is sight without vision." — Helen Keller Reminds me of Jesus, who said, "Take heed that the light which is in you is not darkness" (Luke 11:34-35).

18 Wise are those who look at others with the same generosity they offer themselves, and who look at themselves with the same critical eye they have for others. Yet look what we do! We blame others –to get the attention of ourselves. (Matthew 7:3)

19 "I found that the desire to have is soon replaced by the fear of losing. Solomon wrote a whole essay about this (Ecclesiastes)20 Use things and love people. Don’t use people and love things. Why after so many complex and profound things are considered, do the most important things in life seem so simple"




Vision Quotes
I skate to where the puck is going to be, not where it has been.
— Wayne Gretzky

Necessity can set me helpless on my back, but she cannot keep me there; nor can four walls limit my vision.
— Margaret Fairless Barber

The man who radiates good cheer, who makes life happier wherever he meets it, is always a man of vision and faith.
— Ella Wheeler Wilcox

A task without a vision is drudgery. A vision without a task is a dream. A task with a vision is victory.

What’s the use of running if you’re not on the right road?
— German proverb

A genius is one who shoots at something no one else can see, and hits it.

A Few Reasons Why I Love My Daddy

For My Daddy♥

Why A Daughter Needs A Dad
~To learn that when he says it will be okay soon, it will.
~Who will make sacrifices so she will not have to sacrifice.
~~To teach her that her value as a person is more than the way she looks.
**~~Who will laugh at her at the right times.****
*~~Who will always have time to give her hugs and kisses.*
*~~Who will always make sure she has a place to come home to.*
*~~Who will never think she is too old to need him.*
~To make the family whole and complete.
*~~Who will not punish her for her mistakes, but help her learn from them.*
*~~To teach her to believe that she deserves to be treated well.*
~To teach her to accept the differences in others.
~To teach her to weigh the consequences of her actions and make decisions accordingly.
~To tell her truthfully that she is the most beautiful of all.
~~To protect her from scary nighttime creatures.
*~~To answer the questions that keep her awake at night.*
~To make the complex simple and the painful bearable.
~~To teach her that family is more important than work.
~~To be the safe spot she can always turn to.
~~To show her how it feels to be loved unselfishly.
~To be the standard against which she will judge all men.
~~Who will influence her life, even when he isn't with her.
*~~To tell her that all is not hopeless, even when she feels it is.*
~~To join her journey when she is too afraid to walk alone.
~~So that she will have at least one hero who will not let her down.
~~To tuck her in at night.
~~To help her take risks that will build her confidence.
~~Who will let her know that while she may not be the center of someone else's world, she is the center of his.
~To learn what she should expect from her husband.
~~To teach her what it means to always be there.
~~To teach her that a man's strength is not the force of his hand or his voice,
but the kindness of his heart.
~~To teach her to be honest in all her dealings.
~~To help her try again whenever she fails.
~~So that when no one else is there for her, she can close her eyes and see him.
~~To think highly of her when no one else will.
*~~To hold her as she cries.*
~~Who teaches her she is important by stopping what he is doing to watch her.
*~~To remind her of the comfort of being held near and feeling secure.*
~~To teach her to stand up for herself.
*~~Who gives her refuge in a home secured with faith.*
*~~To show her that true love is unconditional.*
~~To teach her not to let pride get in the way of discovering new things.
~To show her all the boys are not like the one who hurt her.
~~To stand with her on the day she marries the man she hopes will be just like her father.
*~~Because without him she will have less in her life than what she deserves.*

"I Will Survive" and "Still I Rise" Essay

"You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I'll rise." These famous words spoken years ago by the powerful poet and author, Maya Angelou are spoken with dignity and strength. Her heart pouring out like an overflowing waterfall, we see her persevearance through life and her strength to not let others bring her down. In the same breath, the harsh workds of others are part of what makes stronger.

"At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But then I spent so mant nights thinking how you did me wrong, and I got strong. And I learned how to get along." These words, also brought forth years ago but by the singer GLoria Gaynor, were sand with the same fiery passion Angelou found within herself upon writing "And Still I Rise." Two powerful pieces of art performed by two very powerful and strong women. These pieces show that these women are strong and independent. They don't let what others say, hurt them or in Gloria's case, what a man does to wrong her, bring them down or leave them depressed.

Both of these works are incredibly inspiring and these women are admirable. Strength is something you've got to have in order to survive in today's society. "I Will Survive" and "Still I Rise" are written on the same foundation; the fact that what other people do can effect you. It's up to you whether it breaks you or makes you stronger.

Random Scenes

These are a few ranom scenes I've written to put together with more scenes I havent written yet for a play. It's a work in progress but it comes to me in different patches so I don't have any other scenes but these ones that came to me. ha




THE UNFINISHED SCENE

Mr. West: (walk to doorway) Mida, your father's in the driveway (exits)

Mida: Ok (Opens eyes a little and lightly hits Derek's chest) Come on. (Starts getting up)

Derek: (Pulls Mida back onto the couch) He's not here yet. (Groggy voice with eyes closed)

Mida: Yea he is babe. (Looks at phone) He even just texted me. (Gets up)

(Derek gets up, takes Mida's hand, leads her through the house and out the front door)
(They continue to the car giggling)

Derek: Is he on his laptop?

Mida: As always...let's see if we can get his attention. (Smiles and winks as she pulls closer to Derek)

(Derek wraps his arms around Mida's waist as she wraps hers around his neck. As they start kissing, they begin getting more and more intense until they are officially making out. Derek starts pushing her toward the car and lifts her onto the hood. He starts rubbing her back and sliding a hand up the back of her shirt while his other hand rubs her leg.)

Mida: (Smiles and leans closer to Derek's ear and whispers) We're trying to get his attention, not make a death wish.









THE TRUTH & THE BREAK UP SCENE

Mida: (Almost angry) DOn't you get it? We're graduating, in just a few months. This is it, Kyle. We're going off to college, all of us. We're all going out on our own and going our separate ways. I mean, who knows how far we're all going. I know I can't let my friends influence where my future is going, but... Kyle, you guys mean the world to me and I'm not ready to lose you.

Kyle: What do you think texting and cell phones are for? There's always facebook. Mida, you're overreacting.

Mida: I am not overreacting! I know that there's texting and and and, facebook, but you're just not understand the reality of this are you? Texting? Facebook? Do you realize that we all see each otheronly once or twice a week now and we're all within 20 minutes of each other? How often fo we talk outside of when we see each other in person? Huh? I mean, if we're already caught up in our daily lives too much to talk to each other now... Do I have to go on?

Kyle: Mi, it's okay...

Mida: No its not okay! (Let's a tear slip) I don't wanna lose you guys.

Kyle: So what? Are you telling me you're not going off to college?

Mida: No. Whether I go off to college or not doesn't affect whether you do or whther any of my other friends do or not. And if I don't, then what? What am I gonna do? Work at McDonald's for the rest of my life? Constantly regretting not taking what could be the biggest oportunity of ever? I can't do that Kyle.

Kyle: Than what do you want, Mida? (Getting angry himself)

Mida: (Pauses) I just wat to konw that I'm never gonna lose you...

Kyle: Oh, Mida. You couldn't lose me if you tried. (Smiles and hugs Mida as she starts crying)

(TANYA enters; feeling confused and awkward by her boyfriend hugging a close mutual friend)

Tanya: What's...what's goin on? (Laughs awkwardly as Mida pulls away from Kyle)

Mida: I was just... (Looks Kyle in the eye) leaving. Goodbye Kyle. (Nods and partially smiles at Tanya and then exits)

Tanya: What was that? What's going on?

Kyle: It's nothing. She's just a little upset. Anyway, I, uh, I wanted to talk to you about something.

Tanya: Sure, what's happening baby?

Kyle: (Takes a deep breath then exhales) I'm... I'm going off for college, in about seven months.

Tanya: Yea, I know that.

Kyle: I'm... I'm going all the way to Georgia. All the way...

Tanya: So what is it Kyle?

Kyle: I... I don't think I can do that to you.

Tanya: So what? What are you talking about?

Kyle: I can't... I can't let you miss out on life while I'm out living and making mine.

Tanya: What are you trying to say?

Kyle: I think it's best if we just (pauses) if we're just friends.

Tanya: Wait, are you breaking up with me?

Kyle: I... Tanya, you can't be limited when I leave. I don't want you to miss out on life because you're staying and waiting for.

Tanya: I... I don't know what to say.

Kyle: I'm sorry Tanya.

Tanya: I... I... I gotta go. Bye Kyle. (Starts crying and exits)

(Kyle reaches out as the door slams and then hangs his head) END SCENE







THE AFTERMATH OF THE FIRST DATE SCENE

(Car pulls up to the curb in front of a big, beautiful, white house. Derek and Mida slide out of the backseat holding hands and smiling)

Derek: Ugh, I gotta go home.

Mida: Derek, you are home. (Smiles)

Derek: No. See I'm not home until I step onto that curb. Until then, I'm still with you. (Smiles and wraps arms around Mida's waist as he pulls her closer)

Mida: (Smiles) Oh ok. (Laughs a little and looks into Derek's eyes as she puts her arms around his waist)

Derek: Man, I'm so lucky to have you.

Mida: No, I'm the lucky one.

Derek: No, I am

Mida:: Are we gonna have this conversation again? (Smiles)

Derek: (Leans in and kisses Mida) I'm the lucky one. (Smiles)

Mida: (Smiles) Ok, ok. Whatever you have to tell yourself to get to sleep at night.

Derek: (Laughs a little and leans back to look at Mida) You're mine. (Almost as an epiphany)

Mida: Yea... I'm yours. (Kisses Derek)

(As Mida goes to pull back from the kiss, Derek pushes in and continues to kiss her)

Mr. Hope: (From the driver's seat) Save some for later.

Mida: (Leans back, smiles) I love my dad, I love my dad, I love my dad...

Derek: (Laughs) He's gonna kill you...

Mida: (Shakes her head and smiles) Nuh uh.

Derek: (Nods his head and smiles) Yea huh.

Mida: (Laughs a little) Nuh uh!

(Slow, romantic music starts playing in the car. Mida looks through the door to see her dad smiling at her)

Mida: Once again, I love my dad. (Smiles and laughs a little)

Derek: This is a good song. As soon as this song is over, I gotta go home though.

Mida: (Gives the puppy dog face) I could just kidnap you. (Smiles)

Derek: Oh, ok. I'm cool with that. But my parents...not so much.

Mida: ((Laughs as she hugs him tighter and leans her head on his chest as they stand there in silence for a bit) I'm so happy to be with you. (Smiles)

Derek: Baby I'm happy to be withyou too. (Smiles and rests his chin on Mida's head) But I think this song is just about over.

Mida: No it's not. (Laughs a little then gives a sad face) You have to go home now?

Derek: Unfortunately...(Kisses Mida one last time) I'll miss you.

Mida: I'll miss you too. (Gives a sad face)

Derek: I'm gonna shower and then I'll text you, ok?

Mida: Ok. (Smiles)

(Derek holdss Mida's hand as he reluctantly steps onto the curbs and gets to the sidewalk then finally lets go hesitantly. They exchange looks and blow kisses to each other and then Mida gets into the car)

Mida: (Buckles her seatbelt and looks at her dad) Don't say, a word.

Mr. Hope: What? (Smiles) END SCENE







A FEW OF THE SCENES THAT ARE STILL IN THE MAKING

*Mida breaks up with Derek for the same reason Kyle breaks up with Tanya*
*Kissing Brdge scene - Mida & Kyle*

BFFL? Def.

Oh my. How many years has it been? Too many. How many pounds? Too many. How many tears? Uncountable. But I need you again, I miss you and all you did for me. But look at who've I've become. This inadequate, imperfect(as though I ever were), hideous beast who is worthy of nothing, not even you. But I do pledge my allegiance to you if you agree to once again accompany me on this walk, run, to be the best me, the most beautiful me. You never said it was easy, but I'm ready.


I've started down your path already, but I need you to grab me and not let go. At least not until I'm all I can be. And only with you is that possible. Ana, you've been all I had for years upon years, and they took you away, made me turn my back on you and walk away..quickly. But this time it's you and me. There's no turning back. I would've loved to walk deeper down your path of perfection last time, but the other caught hold of me, told me it was wrong..we were wrong. But they were wrong. This time, I let nothing stand between me, and what I want, who I want to be. So you'll help me right? I mean, I almost miss the early mornings we spent together getting me in shape and redirecting the calories I shouldn't have eaten the day before. Ya know, it was a lovely little secret that I knew neither of us would tell.

Since I last disowned you, I have become a person I don't dare look at in the mirror anymore. I disgust myself. And I know that you're the only one who can help me fix this problem. Please, you're all I've got. If I can just walk into the light of your tunnel..things would begin to change. I can't wait for our journey to really pick up. Best friends for life? Oh definitely. Thank you Ana, for all you've done and yet to do.


Sincerely,
Me

Ana Tips (1st Ana Journal)

~Cough Drops
~No eating past 6pm
~Lots of veggies (Lettuce has no cals)
~Cardio 30-60 minutes 6 days a week
~Change workout weekly
~Workout twice a day
~Drink lots of water
~No dairy
~Sleep
~1 glass of wwater every hour(at least)
~ice water is best
~Eat ice or gum when hungry
~Aerobics
~Cold showers
~Brush teeth constantly
~Exercise twice the amount of calories eaten
~Walk when you're hungry
~Sleep at least 6 hours a day
~Prepare a list of excuses for not eating
~Make a scrapbook with pix of skinny models, a list of all the reasons you wanna lose weight, and a food diary
~Make a list of "bad" foods that you crave and pick one to take out of your diet completely each day that no matter what you won't eat again
~If you drink any alcohol, stick to a glass of wine, it has the least calories (80 Calories)
~Limit portion sizes to no more than one cup because your stomach will then expand
~The smell of coffee is supposed to supress appetite
~6 small meals a day( 2 apples, split them up so you can have 6 meals of them)
~Anti-heartburn pills kill the acid that builds and makes you hungry
~FUN FACT: It takes 20 minutes for your brain to realize your stomach's full
~When you get hunger pains, curl into a ball. It makes them go away
~Smoking curbs the appetite
~Lots of fiber makes you feel full and takes faat out of the body
~When you get hungry, chug water til you feel full
~Weight yourself before and after you eat to see how much you gain from what you eat
~Celery has negative calories and actually burns them
~Read the nutrion label! Fat-free doesn't mean calorie free. More fiber, less fat and calories
~Don't eat a lot at once
~No eating in front of the computer or tv or anything distracting from portion size
~Eating 4 100 cal meals is better than eating 1 400 calorie meal
~If you hit a weight loss plateau, binge a little to get it back on track
~Take a sip of water between bites, it reduces how much you actually eat
~If you have a craving, go prepare it, chew it, then spit it out. After, wash you mouth with water 3 times before swallowing a sip so no calories are digested.
~Don't eat foods that you don't know the exact amount of calories
~Track progress with measurements, not just the scale. The measuring tape isn't effected by weather or time of day
~When you wanna eat, put on a song that you are guarenteed to sing along to, this will disctract you from eating
~Buy awesome jeans that are a size or 2 too small and put them where you see them everyday as motivation to lose weight. When they fit, restart the cycle
~Use diet pills with caution
~No soda
~Water fasting cleanses the body of stored fats and whatnot
~Fasting can clear the skin, whiten the eyes, initiate rapid weight loss, make hair grow quick, and shrink the stomach
~Laxatives don't help!
~Eat smaller portions on smaller plates
~Eat low-cal soup-barely any fat and cals and fills you up fast
~Spinning around in circles curbs your appetite
~Tums curbs stomach acid that can make you hungry
~Set a goal weight, but also a weight that you refuse to hit if you gain too much weight
~Rice cakes are your best friend(30 cals, but only eat a few)
~fitday.com or caloriecounter.com will help track foods eaten and exercise and calories burned
~Get an Ana buddy! It will give you someone to not only keep you on track, but also someone to compare yourself to and "compete" against to lose the weight

These are some of my tips n secrets, from me, to you. HOPE THEY HELP!!

Diary Confessional

Dear Diary,
I was mistaken; wrong. I thought life was getting better and that I could start creating myself in a new light. As soon as I started the process, everything went horribly wrong. I was losing weight, I was beautiful, I was stronger. This is not life I EVER dreamed of. I mean, I have a boyfriend, but what does that mean anymore? What do we have? I said I wanted something real..something real..how do you define real? I don't even know what real is anymore. Nothing's real anymore. Does that mean the relationship is a fake? Just a filler in my time schedule? Am I even real anymore? Who am I? Where has life gone? Where has it taken me? I thought I knew what was right. I thought I knew the world, the people around me. I thought for just a second that maybe I was wanted, needed, loved, cared for. Once again I was wrong. Does this even make sense? Does it make sense for me to be crying right now? Am I allowed to cry, am I supposed to? I can't take this anymore..there were 3 things in the past that I could always count on.. I think it's time for a make a blast to the past...

Father of Mine

DECISIONS
Made, changed, analyzed
Who are you to decide
The future of which I've realized
May not be worth the ride.

LOVE
Debated, given, taken
And it is me you have forsaken
But I'm afraid you have mistaken
Me needing you when my future will call and is awakened.

TIME
Wasted, consumed, spent
When your shoulder wasn't lent
For me to cry on or repent
None for your love to be sent.

MONEY
Inherited, lost, invested
When it was my love tested
Because of time in me not invested
Thinking you could buy my love instead.

LIES
Weaved, lived, told
I guess the truth was always old
Thinking you could put me in a mold
And my love from a distance you could hold.

YOU
Child, fool, liar
Thought you wouldn't be burned by my fire
But when it comes to you, I tire
Of trying to gain your love by being everything you admire, desire, and require.

I Wish I May, I Wish I Might, Have This Wish I Wish Tonight

So it's come to my attention that it is 11:11pm on Wednesday, April 21, 2010 and it's my turn to make a wish. I find myself wishing for something that I almost forgot existed with the rest of humanity; something I usually don't focus on. I suddenly find myself wishing for a father-daughter relationship. You know, the one I never had? Yep, that's the one. I guess I never really had a good relationship with either of my parents.


I guess the reason I've been thinking about it more lately, is because it seems like everywhere I look is a reminder of that relationship that I never had. I know this sounds like a dumb example, but when I was watching New Moon last night, just the way that Charlie worried so much when Bella went missing and was in her depression phase; the way he actually held her and told her that he loved. Especially when she needed to hear it most. He even offered to stay home from his fishing trip with Harry.


Examples two and three were found in the darkest places I never thought I'd be a part of - the Hannah Montana show and Cadet Kelly with Hilary Duff. The close relationship that Miley and her dad have? The fact that Kelly and her dad actually have a "life line" and know when each other are in trouble? Even that she had the opportunity to save his life, to worry about him. Nothing like that ever existed in my world; nothing even remotely close.


I feel like it's getting worse with age. Right now I'm supposed to be working on my PE Log for school. I mean, my relationship with my father has NEVER affected my academics before. Having nothing to do with my father has always been the ideal, so it never had to affect me before. But I feel like this past week has been so emotional, but at the same time so emotionless. I feel like I've become numb to every emotional I have but still have every one of them at the front of my brain. It's like, I can't win. I don't get it.


Nothing ever weighed on me this much since college/moving out. I don't know what to do. I mean, it's not like I haven't tried. But I feel like if I'd tried hard enough I would've fixed it by now and I wouldn't be in this predicament. My father and I are two completely different people. I've tried everything I can think of. The sad thing is, he thinks we haven= this great relationship going on and everything is peachy, especially since he gave me his car.


But that's not the case. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. I've always been able to accept that the relationship my father and I have is about as good as it'd ever get as long as I wasn't honest with him about anything that involved my life goals, career ideas, or beliefs. And for the longest time, I was happy enough just living in that world and accepting it all the way it was. But I feel like now that he gave me the car, I'm obligated to make some sort of...extra effort to make it all work. Thing is, that's not going to happen; and I'll tell ya why:


1. He's in Ma and I'm not
2. He's not making ANY effort to make things better
And 3? There's absolutely nothing more I can do to try and make my relationship with my father any better unless I lie about everything including my goals, college plans, career ideas, beliefs, my personality, thoughts, feelings, and everything else inside of my life. And let me tell ya. THAT just ain't gonna happen. Know why? Because I am who I am and I don't have any reason to change unless I want to. I'm not going to conform to someone that's the complete opposite of who I am just to please them; even if it is my own father. They say that if someone truly loves you they'll accept you for who you really are. And that's true.I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. And that's truth. It's been the law of my life for quite a bit now.


I know that people say there's no use complaining about something if you're not going to change it. Truth is, I've tried to fix it; time and time again. I figure if it really meant that much to him, he'd opt to get to know who I really am and, (love it or hate it), accept me for it and respect me.


All he ever does is tell me what to do, think and say. Come to think about it, that's all I ever remember him doing in my life. I'm not a little girl. I don't need to be told what to do, think, and say. I can do that all for myself. I'm not a child anymore(although I guess he did miss that portion of my life since he left). I'm somewhere caught between a girl and a woman and no one seems to realize that. Everyone treats me as a child or as an adult. Although I'm 18 years old, I've still got a lot of growing up to do; emotionally and spiritually. Why does no one get that? People label me and push me and kick me. Whether they realize it or not, they do. In fact, I'll write another blog listing all the things I label myself as.

Worth the Silence

I have so much I wanna tell you. Honestly? There's so much inside my head that needs to be said but doesn't want to be said. The truth is, I don't know. I don't know ANYTHING. I wish I did but I don't. And you're just gonna have to be okay with that. Nothing means anything to me. Not anymore. I'd also like to say that I don't wanna tell you. I don't. I'm not gonna lie. I just don't. It's been a long hard road, but you've gotta understand that I'm a safe, a vault. And even in time you may not break me or get me to open up. And I know that if you have things to tell people, you should tell them because you may not have the chance to tell them tomorrow, but still. I want to be able to speak my mind. I really wish I could, but the thoughts I keep inside are the horrible ones that cause pain or anger to you. Even writing it in a letter wouldn't do. It's like a monologue in my head day after day, minute after minute. It's not gone until you put it out there, tell your audience and voice it with real emotion to the person who you most need to express it to and make them understand. I'll admit I've been being fake, because I have been. But only to protect you, and our relationship. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the silence...

April 10, 1998

Dear Mom,
It happened. Yesterday. As it does every year that passes without you. I tried. I tried so hard. But nothing could keep me from the obvious truth. You're gone.

I know it's been 12 years, but it feels like just yesterday... It hurts. I feel my stomach twist itself inside out and I feel like someone's just reaching down my throat and squeezing my heart while trying to punch it through my chest. There's really nothing I can do about the pain. Or the feeling. It comes and goes, but when it comes, it stays. For what seems like centuries. And that, all in itself, tears me apart.

I try to be strong because I know that's what you'd want me to be. You always were. I can't think of anyone as strong as you. You always seemed so calm and had this "I can handle anything life throws at me" attitude. I guess that's something I didn't inherit genetically...if at all. Every day that goes by, I wish I had more time. More time to spend with you. To know you and learn more about you and from you. You were always supportive. Never brought up past mistakes. Only looked toward the future and knew you could conquer the present.

How did you do it? I'll never understand. I take a look at my life and realize that, it's nothing compared to what I could've already had accomplished by this time. I feel so minor, so...insignificant. Like everything I've ever done is insignificant. How is it that you accomplished all you did? And aside from that, keep your sanity?

I miss you Mom. I wish you were here. Even when I couldn't see my hopes and dreams because I thought they were too far fetched, you believed. You believed in them, in me, and that combining me and them would change the world. How is it that you could always see what I couldn't? How is it that no matter how tightly you're tucked away in my heart, that you always feel so far away?

I don't want to cry but I don't want to forget you. Maybe sometime I can look back on April 10th, 1998 and smile. Just because you left me your memory, and even though you're gone, You're not forgotten. I love you Mom. I always will.

Your Little Angel,
Ebby<3

Dear Diary..

Dear Diary,
Every day turns into a deeper experience. He's funny, fun, sweet, and in his own little way, cute. His personality is one like no other. I never thought I'd fall for him...rephrase. I'm not falling yet, but it's almost like he's got me under a spell. I can't not talk to him. He has been the most amazing friend to me through all of life and it's attachments. He's so...adorable. Haha I mean, just the way that every time we talk he mentions going to lunch or seeing a movie, but neither of us wanna actually come out and say "date." It's cute though.
In a way, I think that if we were to date, our friendship wouldn't change. And honestly? I'm ok with that. We're really close and he gets me and a lot of what I'm going through. I think he'll be good for me and, I think I'll be good for him too. I told myself I wasn't dating for a while after the whole Chris ordeal. I also said I'd stay away from Chris' and that I wouldn't date anyone younger than me..He's older and not a Chris. It seems ok to me. I've gotten the opinion of a few people that I trust. One said to stay friends because he's..him. One said that he could actually see it working out. And another said she thinks we'd be good for each other. The only problem with the first one is that...I like him because he's him. I wouldn't like him for any other reason.
Dear Diary,
He's got me.

Important

Dear Mom,
Everyone has someone important that they write to when things happen in their lives. I guess you're that important person for me even though you're gone. I know you've seen me lately. I've been moody and depressed. My mood swings have drastically increased...it's like I'm not myself anymore. I'm definitely not the little girl you knew and loved. Despite everything going on, today was okay. It was...better. I found myself..actually..happy. I feel like, when I'm with him...I'm..I can be me. Even being near him just gives me some type of ability to deal with whatever's going on around me.
I laughed today. I laughed, and it was genuine, it was..real. It's like, when he's around...it's almost like...he can give me hope. Just a smile and I can find something within me that gives me the motivation to just smile and make it through the day. Even when we text..it's like..he knows how to make me smile. He knows exactly what I need to hear.
The only problem is, when he's not around and we're not texting, it's like...I'm so alone. Everything drops to a hopeless level of despair and I start focusing on the depth of the black hole in my life..in my heart and what it's replaced..what's supposed to be there. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to confront it. I mean, I feel like I've been on so many medications over the years for everything except the real problems, the real issues that are going on inside.
I wish you were still here. I wish you could meet everyone. I wish you could meet him. I miss you. I miss feeling loved and...wanted. I miss having you here to share my secrets. Especially now that I've got real secrets to tell.You're the only one I could ever be honest with..even though I was so young, you always..you were there. The smallest little confession and..and, you never judged me or condemned me for it. I've got so much to tell you now. I wish you didn't have to watch me grow up from such a distance. I really need you right now. I love you.

<3Ebby

Pillowss, Muziq, and My Dad

Today, for the first time ever, I cried on my dad's shoulder. This is the first time he's ever seen me cry. I'm 17 years old.

All day today I've just been feeling pretty shitty and completely out of order. I went to the farmshow with my sister and niece and we had a good time for the most part but something inside of me was off all day. About 45 minutes after we got back to my mom's, my dad swung by on his way home from work to pick me up and bring me back home. We didn't say a whole lot and my mood was still kinda in a bad place. When we got home, I went straight upstairs to my rom. My dad knows the drill. He knows that if I'm in a bad mood and I go to my room, leave me be or at least don't like, bug me. I ended up leaving the door open when I got to the top of the steps because I had no more energy.

I laid down on my bed, kicked off my shoes, and laid with my soft, comfy body pillow. A few minutes later, my dad texts me to ask if I want hot chocolate. I told him sure. About two minutes later he brought it up and left it on my table. He asked if I wanted the lights out, I said no, and that was that. Short, sweet, to the point. He has no idea how much I appreciated that. Especially since about a minute after he left my room I started bawling my eyes out. Why? I have no idea.

All day I'd been feeling like I was going to cry and there it finally was. A million tears being soaked up into my body pillow that seemed to be flowing nonstop. About five minutes later, I finally stopped crying and decided to sit up. As soon as I decided to sit up, my dad decided to play a song through the downstairs surround-sound loud speaker system. He was playing a new song that we had practiced at worship practice this past week that had hit me really hard. No sooner than I sat up, did the tears start flowing again.

After the second verse, I composed myself enough to stop crying. It was at that point that I texted my dad and said "I need a hug". He always says "If you ever need a hug, just let me know". I've never been able to just humble myself and say "Dad, I really need a hug right now." until today. In a few seconds, he was up the stairs and turning into my room. He sat next to me on my bed and hugged me. I let a few more tears slide because I couldn't help it and I figured I still had tears in my eyes that he'd already seen upon walking in. This was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. May I remind you, I'm 17 years old. I just sat there with my dad. Just sat there. For a few minutes. He asked what was wrong and I answered as truthfully as I could. I told him I had no idea why I was crying or what was wrong with me. Luckily for me, he's one of those parents that's actually ok with that answer.

We sat and talked for a little while until finally he went downstairs to let me know what we had to eat. I don't think anyone will ever understand how much I love my dad. I'm not even sure if he'll ever understand how much I love him. He has got to be the best dad in the world. I think I took a HUGE step to letting him in today. At least for me it was. I don't cry in front of people. I think like two of my friends have seen me cry and my mom and one sister. I'm so grateful to have such an amazing dad. I appreciate him so much and I hope to be able to let him in more and more so that he might actually be able to understand more than just a small piece of me and who I am.I love you daddy, thank you<3

Anger, Angels, and Little Girls

I feel like I should be saying so much, but I hold back. It's harder to spew words than to control what comes out of my mouth these days. Today, my dad, for the first time ever, yelled at me. Not so much at me I guess, but whatever's inside of me, but still me. The little girl inside of me wanted to cry, the anger inside of me wanted to scream and curse, and the angel in me felt guilty and wanted to vomit(still does want to vomit). What I felt guilty for, I'm still not completely sure.

I think I wanted to feel guilty for forcing him to experience my hellish mood and partial temper. I wanted to scream because I was already pissed off and I felt like it was almost the cherry on top of a horrendous day. I wanted to cry not only because "my daddy was yelling at me" but also because I felt guilty and because there was so much bottled inside that it's all I could think about managing. In the midst of all this, all I managed was speechlessness and a few tears.

We drove for a minute or two in silence. Music off, lips closed, and eyes focused on the road. We stopped for gas and after that the floor was opened. He told me I should try and work on my attitude towards things and continued talking, then stopped. We drove in silence for a few moments as I was trying to gather how to speak again. I ended up confessing one of the many internal problems I've been dealing with and trying to fix. As much as I didn't want to talk about any of it because I'm not certain of most of it, I figured it was the only way to leave things on a decent term for when I went back home.

When we finally pulled up to my mom's house I looked him in the eye for the first time throughout the whole ride and that's only because he told me to. He said I love you" and that was pretty much it. I had so much I wanted to say to that simple little phrase, so many questions to ask. A little three word statement that can mean so much and so little at the same time. Nonetheless, I said nothing and told him I loved him too and got out of the car.

Still to this moment, I've got a headache and I still feel like I'm going to vomit(although I already have). There's so much I've left unsaid and so many questions that are left unanswered and unasked. Where am I? What to say. What to do.