April 10, 1998

Dear Mom,
It happened. Yesterday. As it does every year that passes without you. I tried. I tried so hard. But nothing could keep me from the obvious truth. You're gone.

I know it's been 12 years, but it feels like just yesterday... It hurts. I feel my stomach twist itself inside out and I feel like someone's just reaching down my throat and squeezing my heart while trying to punch it through my chest. There's really nothing I can do about the pain. Or the feeling. It comes and goes, but when it comes, it stays. For what seems like centuries. And that, all in itself, tears me apart.

I try to be strong because I know that's what you'd want me to be. You always were. I can't think of anyone as strong as you. You always seemed so calm and had this "I can handle anything life throws at me" attitude. I guess that's something I didn't inherit genetically...if at all. Every day that goes by, I wish I had more time. More time to spend with you. To know you and learn more about you and from you. You were always supportive. Never brought up past mistakes. Only looked toward the future and knew you could conquer the present.

How did you do it? I'll never understand. I take a look at my life and realize that, it's nothing compared to what I could've already had accomplished by this time. I feel so minor, so...insignificant. Like everything I've ever done is insignificant. How is it that you accomplished all you did? And aside from that, keep your sanity?

I miss you Mom. I wish you were here. Even when I couldn't see my hopes and dreams because I thought they were too far fetched, you believed. You believed in them, in me, and that combining me and them would change the world. How is it that you could always see what I couldn't? How is it that no matter how tightly you're tucked away in my heart, that you always feel so far away?

I don't want to cry but I don't want to forget you. Maybe sometime I can look back on April 10th, 1998 and smile. Just because you left me your memory, and even though you're gone, You're not forgotten. I love you Mom. I always will.

Your Little Angel,
Ebby<3