Anger, Angels, and Little Girls

I feel like I should be saying so much, but I hold back. It's harder to spew words than to control what comes out of my mouth these days. Today, my dad, for the first time ever, yelled at me. Not so much at me I guess, but whatever's inside of me, but still me. The little girl inside of me wanted to cry, the anger inside of me wanted to scream and curse, and the angel in me felt guilty and wanted to vomit(still does want to vomit). What I felt guilty for, I'm still not completely sure.

I think I wanted to feel guilty for forcing him to experience my hellish mood and partial temper. I wanted to scream because I was already pissed off and I felt like it was almost the cherry on top of a horrendous day. I wanted to cry not only because "my daddy was yelling at me" but also because I felt guilty and because there was so much bottled inside that it's all I could think about managing. In the midst of all this, all I managed was speechlessness and a few tears.

We drove for a minute or two in silence. Music off, lips closed, and eyes focused on the road. We stopped for gas and after that the floor was opened. He told me I should try and work on my attitude towards things and continued talking, then stopped. We drove in silence for a few moments as I was trying to gather how to speak again. I ended up confessing one of the many internal problems I've been dealing with and trying to fix. As much as I didn't want to talk about any of it because I'm not certain of most of it, I figured it was the only way to leave things on a decent term for when I went back home.

When we finally pulled up to my mom's house I looked him in the eye for the first time throughout the whole ride and that's only because he told me to. He said I love you" and that was pretty much it. I had so much I wanted to say to that simple little phrase, so many questions to ask. A little three word statement that can mean so much and so little at the same time. Nonetheless, I said nothing and told him I loved him too and got out of the car.

Still to this moment, I've got a headache and I still feel like I'm going to vomit(although I already have). There's so much I've left unsaid and so many questions that are left unanswered and unasked. Where am I? What to say. What to do.