So it's come to my attention that it is 11:11pm on Wednesday, April 21, 2010 and it's my turn to make a wish. I find myself wishing for something that I almost forgot existed with the rest of humanity; something I usually don't focus on. I suddenly find myself wishing for a father-daughter relationship. You know, the one I never had? Yep, that's the one. I guess I never really had a good relationship with either of my parents.
I guess the reason I've been thinking about it more lately, is because it seems like everywhere I look is a reminder of that relationship that I never had. I know this sounds like a dumb example, but when I was watching New Moon last night, just the way that Charlie worried so much when Bella went missing and was in her depression phase; the way he actually held her and told her that he loved. Especially when she needed to hear it most. He even offered to stay home from his fishing trip with Harry.
Examples two and three were found in the darkest places I never thought I'd be a part of - the Hannah Montana show and Cadet Kelly with Hilary Duff. The close relationship that Miley and her dad have? The fact that Kelly and her dad actually have a "life line" and know when each other are in trouble? Even that she had the opportunity to save his life, to worry about him. Nothing like that ever existed in my world; nothing even remotely close.
I feel like it's getting worse with age. Right now I'm supposed to be working on my PE Log for school. I mean, my relationship with my father has NEVER affected my academics before. Having nothing to do with my father has always been the ideal, so it never had to affect me before. But I feel like this past week has been so emotional, but at the same time so emotionless. I feel like I've become numb to every emotional I have but still have every one of them at the front of my brain. It's like, I can't win. I don't get it.
Nothing ever weighed on me this much since college/moving out. I don't know what to do. I mean, it's not like I haven't tried. But I feel like if I'd tried hard enough I would've fixed it by now and I wouldn't be in this predicament. My father and I are two completely different people. I've tried everything I can think of. The sad thing is, he thinks we haven= this great relationship going on and everything is peachy, especially since he gave me his car.
But that's not the case. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. I've always been able to accept that the relationship my father and I have is about as good as it'd ever get as long as I wasn't honest with him about anything that involved my life goals, career ideas, or beliefs. And for the longest time, I was happy enough just living in that world and accepting it all the way it was. But I feel like now that he gave me the car, I'm obligated to make some sort of...extra effort to make it all work. Thing is, that's not going to happen; and I'll tell ya why:
1. He's in Ma and I'm not
2. He's not making ANY effort to make things better
And 3? There's absolutely nothing more I can do to try and make my relationship with my father any better unless I lie about everything including my goals, college plans, career ideas, beliefs, my personality, thoughts, feelings, and everything else inside of my life. And let me tell ya. THAT just ain't gonna happen. Know why? Because I am who I am and I don't have any reason to change unless I want to. I'm not going to conform to someone that's the complete opposite of who I am just to please them; even if it is my own father. They say that if someone truly loves you they'll accept you for who you really are. And that's true.I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. And that's truth. It's been the law of my life for quite a bit now.
I know that people say there's no use complaining about something if you're not going to change it. Truth is, I've tried to fix it; time and time again. I figure if it really meant that much to him, he'd opt to get to know who I really am and, (love it or hate it), accept me for it and respect me.
All he ever does is tell me what to do, think and say. Come to think about it, that's all I ever remember him doing in my life. I'm not a little girl. I don't need to be told what to do, think, and say. I can do that all for myself. I'm not a child anymore(although I guess he did miss that portion of my life since he left). I'm somewhere caught between a girl and a woman and no one seems to realize that. Everyone treats me as a child or as an adult. Although I'm 18 years old, I've still got a lot of growing up to do; emotionally and spiritually. Why does no one get that? People label me and push me and kick me. Whether they realize it or not, they do. In fact, I'll write another blog listing all the things I label myself as.
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