The Truth About Me

My belly is hurting. I'm angry about this..not about this, but I'm angry. I'm texting with Hayley who's at some market with her family. She's bored too. I wish I could be a real musician. Put everything together. I love how visual this music is. I'm listening to "Last Tango in Paris" by Gotan Project. Awesome stuff. I wanna travel. I just wanna go. Not even know where I'm going, but to just go. I wanna visit the spot, but I don't have a way there and back. I wanna do photgraphy, but it's kinda cold. I hate being alone. Relationship wise..and in general. I'm not eating again, but this time it's on purpose. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, but I do. Well I know why and it's starting to prove it's purpose. I look thinner today. My clothes are looser today. It's a good feeling, not gonna lie. I might be taking Jocelyn trick-or-treating with Kendra and Elena and the boys on Thursday. I've been thinking about Chris a lot lately. Ask me why and I couldn't tell you the answer. But I'm thinking about going to the Hanna game on Friday. Why? Because a part of me hopes that when he sees me he'll realize that he needs me back in his life. I've come to terms with a lot that's happened in my life, but that's still not one of them. I wanna do acting auditions. I wanna be an actress. But I'd love to learn more about photography too. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever truly be happy. No I won't. I'm a fat, ugly, blob. I want to have a baby. I want to get married. I want to have someone that cares for me. I want to be able to watch my children grow up. My heart hurts. I'm angry. There's so much I don't understand. I want what we had..I want it all back. My laptop's dying. I'm dying. I'm starving myself. I texted him back. I shouldn't have. I don't think anyone should ever know the things he's said to me. But I still text him. I still text him back. I've been tempted to text Kyle too. I'm yearning for more trouble in my life. A part of me wanted to get in that car with him. But he looked greasy. And my mind took over my instinctive side and made me say no before I could say yes. Sometimes I crave attention. It's at those times I back myself into a corner and ball myself up. But I also do that when I want to be alone. I don't know myself as well as I pretend to. I cry more than I laugh and lots of people don't know that. I fake a smile 98% of the time and I think in a way it's sad yet relieving that no one seems to notice. I wish I like acting because I like the idea of being someone I'm not. It's appealing to me. I love beig held close. It makes me feel loved, protected. I dream about the beach all the time. Sometimes I see visions of me where I'm smiling a real smile. Or at least I think so. And I wonder what it will take for me to get there. A part of me wants to show people the truly happy, fun-loving part of me but I don't know how to find it. I want the people close to me to be able to see that I'm not always depressed, that I haven't always been depressed. That I was happy at one point in time. I want them to see me smile. Not through tears, but a real smile. I want to be healthy. I want them to not have to worry about my health, about the cuts I bring on myself. The positions I put myself in just to get hurt so at least I can feel something other than depression. I dream of doing things I can't do in reality. I want to be pregnant just so I can feel some sort of connection to someone, even if they're inside of me. That way I'd never truly be alone. I want to establish myself. I have no idea of who I am. Sometimes I put myself down so that when my mood increases, I'll feel even better. I tell myself I'm fatter than I really am so that when I look in the mirror or step on the scale, I feel just an inkling better about myself than I did before. Sometimes I bury myself just to see who will try and find me. A part of me hopes that the test results will come back positive. Just so I can tell myself that it'll only be a little while now. My neck hurts. A part of me wants to get hit by a car. Get into a car accident so that I'd be laid up in the hospital. I wish I was in the hopsital. Even when people tell me that they love me, I still feel unloved everyday. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is cry. I keep telling myself "it has to get better" and I keep hoping that maybe someday it really will. I keep myself busy so that I can tell myself "I don't have time to eat right now" and end up not eating at all. I can't remember the last time my biological mother hugged me. I can't tell you the last time my biological father was there to listen to a real problem I had. I never remember my biological father ever wiping my tears away, but I only remember him being the reason for them. My family has caused more pain, suffering, and tears than they'll ever know. Even when I walk into my church, I feel judged. I feel like no one will truly ever understand me. 99% of the time I feel invisible unless I'm being yelled at or lectured. I feel like my niece sometimes sees me as her mom. I haven't completely mastered the art of the word "no" unless I'm pissed off. I can be in a room filled with people and feel alone. I can have someone hanging on me or sitting right next to me and still feel like the only(and the lonliest) person in the universe. Being cold makes your body burn more calories to get you back to normal body temperature. I have never felt at home. I can lie better than some people think. When I say I'm fine, it really means that I want you to knock down the wall and find out what's really going on. Sometimes I feel like saying something about a specific thing will open a can of worms so I will be mad at someone in my head and I'll never let them know for sake of the relationship. I'm cold. My brain and heart have never worked together. I can and do smoke still sometimes. I'm a horrible exmple. People look at me to follow but I'm a natural born leader. I go from annoyed to pissed off in 2.5 seconds. I feel 100% at home in bitch mode. I try to turn off bitch mode because I try to please everyone. I will never be good enough in my own eyes. I will never see my successes as actual sucesses because every time I succeed as a kid, no one cared. Sarcasm and bitch mode go hand in hand. I'm very indecisive. When I'm numb, I don't care. When I start feeling too many emotions at the same time, my brain powers down, my eyes twich, and I have random spasms. On top of that, I never remember what happens. Sometimes I'm only comforted by causing myself physical pain. People underestimate me more times than not. I'm like a fire, you touch me or I touch you, you'll be the one getting burned. I have a talent for "burning" people even when I try my hardest not to. Sometimes I seclude myself so that I won't hurt people but I end up hurting people anyway. A good portion of my poetry sucks. I have a difficult time expressing most of my emotions or putting them into words. Sometimes I just need a hug.