One Word

Depression is back again. Funny how things work like that. One minute you're fine, the next you're reliving every horrible feeling ever in your life. But what triggers it? Sometimes it's obvious things like a death or a snide comment from a stranger or someone you know. But when it's a quick change, the flick of a switch, how do you see it coming? How do you prevent it? When nothing particular happens, how do you fix it? Answering those questions like, "What happened?" "How can I help?" "Why are you so sad?", suddenly brings a whole nother level of depression on because you don't know. You don't know why, and that makes you depressed that you can't pull yourself out of this and that you have no reason to even be feeling this way. Somehow I always come back to that. The times when you just don't know why you're so depressed and no one understands. It makes everything even worse. Those times when all you want is to be alone, but you can't. You're smiling watching your daughter slide and then all of the sudden you just get that feeling in the pit of your stomach and a cold chill takes over your body. Nothing is wrong, there was no trigger, just a sudden depression; for no reason. Is there any way to feel normal? Music makes it worse, but it makes you feel better to cry. So many questions; most of them beginning with one word- how.

Progression of the Monster

I hated myself. I still hate myself. When everywhere you look you see everything you aren't. You look in the mirror & think why? Why am I cursed with this body, this ugly face? And you just cry & you get so mad that you throw things & hit things & you just wanna rip your own face off. You wish you could just dig your nails into every inch of you & tear out the imperfections. And you try, but but your nails only go so deep. But the pain feels good; finally something I can control. So you take the hate out on yourself because after all, this is the image that breaks you down & ruins your life & cuts slashes in your self esteem, in your confidence. Maybe, you think, if I can just lose a few pounds, but a few pounds is never enough. And you get frustrated and you eat more because you're frustrated and you're getting nowhere. Then one day, you don't feel like eating. You skip 1 meal, 2 meals; suddenly it's time for bed & it feels so good feeling so empty. You almost think you look a little thinner. Then the next day comes & you just snack because you're too busy to eat meals. A few days in an it starts to feel good. You're controlling your eating and eating nothing feels great. You start to notice your favorite jeans are a little easier to button up. The trend continues until you find yourself consuming only bottled water & nutrigrain bars. Then you start exercising..and it becomes addictive. 5 hours straight a day, just one more quarter mile on the treadmill & 1 more game on the wii fit. But it's never enough, you always keep pushing. Then one day you realize you're in a rut. It's an endless cycle. And in some weird twisted way, you're ok with that.

...

For some reason I've been super depressed the past 2 days. I got very little sleep last night as I spent about an hour crying over several different things. I'm not sure why I'm writing this blog, maybe just to help clear my mind or sort things, or just get it all out I guess. I don't know why I've been depressed, I guess just everything catching up with me. Things haven't been crazy busy or anything, & I guess that's why. I'm finally getting the chance...well..I wouldn't call it a chance. ...The...time and neutral to be able to start processing all these pent up emotions from all these different things that have happened this year. I don't really know what to say to anyone and I wanna talk about it but I don't know how. All I wanna do is cry. I wanna be alone and cry. That's it. And I know part of that is selfish since I'm married and have a child, but sometimes a mom needs time to herself. To mourn by herself.and be alone. I just wanna disappear.. And I don't have the strength or emotional stability to deal with any of it. I just wanna cry. All the time. But why? I have a wonderful husband and a fantastic daughter. Why is it that I have been walking around in a fog and just going through the emotions. I love my husband, but I wait until he goes to sleep to cry and cry and cry. But no matter how much I cry, it's never enough. No matter how dry my eyes are,there are always more tears to be shed. I refuse to cry in front of my daughter & I try to limit my crying fits with my husband to only major stuff. I hate having g to subject him to listening/watching me cry & ramble when he probably just nods along anyway. Not to mention, I just don't like crying in front of people. I just done let my guard down like that. I don't want to be around people. I wanna talk about it but I'm just too damn out of sorts. Not to mention I've been feeling super subconscious lately. I told myself I would lose weight but now it's like I've lost motivation to exercise and eat right, but I hate myself because I'm fat & ugly. I thought I was done with major depression spirals but all I wanna do is lock myself in my room and go into hermit mode but I'm a stay at home mom. I can't do that. I just done know what to do. I just need to go out for a long drive, not care where I go or end up, & just sit, & cry. I miss being able to do that. I just hate myself. I've done nothing with my life and I probably never will because I never finish anything or I don't have ambition. I had tons of help applying to colleges and trying to get in, but did I go to college? Of course not.

Bullies and Memories

So, it's been a while since I actually looked back at my past because it's a place I like to leave behind close titanium doors with chains and locks bound around its dark trenches; but today it someone burst out of its entrapmentad in just a flash, glanced at me before returning to its prison. But it was too late. The chains it had broken were not able to be reassembled; its pandorica free of any blockade or wall between us. The black ghosts now spread out invite my mind, pulling memories here and there and causing havoc that no being is able to undo. Its a chaos that slips down from my mind, into my heart and weighs it down like an elephant on a lily pad. Then it floats down into my stomach creating a pit that resembles a black hole and it is there that it make its home. I know I am not alone in this chaos and havoc and I know everyone has their own black ghosts, some just blend in with the darkness better. Whenever I leave my house, I try to look at least decent(even as a mom) just for me so I know I have improved myself,but why? Is it to impress strangers I come in contact with? No, they'll probably never see me again. So why care? Because deep down, we DO care what people think. I had thought I had gotten over that, being an adult now, and realizing that no matter what, I am me and that's perfectly fine. It was a lie. I leave my house trying to look my best because in that pandorica are tiny voices that still repeat and echo the words of those mean bullies in school. I never wanted to admit it, but I was bullied in school. I was never quite right; not thin enough, not pretty enough,I wasn't popular or rich, & some days wasn't the freshest I could be. And what did that get me? The lowest grade you could be in school; a target. No "F" will ever be beneath it. And the worst part is, I tries to overcompensate to fit in with friends who weren't from school because I didn't want them to know what other people thought of me; the value stamp I'd already been marked with. It was a chance to be what I wasn't at school. And it was nice that people saw my personality and not my low grade target sticker on my forehead and back. But here I am, 3, almost 4, years out of high school-a wife, a mom- and still today I cried for several minutes over the hurtful things the bullies said back then..even in middle school. I like to think I'm a rather nice person but I bet no one I went to school would know if you asked aside from about 4 or 5 friends I still love and talk to today. It all started in 6th grade. That's 10 years ago now. Almost 11. And here I am, still thinking about the harsh things kids said. I never told my mom, my sisters, some of the teachers knew...But I was ashamed that I was not good enough..I still am. How do you escape something that haunts you in every shadow and around every corner? How is it that I am 21 years old, married, with a child and still I'm affected by this? It's depressing. I don't want pity for being bullied, I don't want half-hearted apologies from the bullies...I just want to be able to move on with my life and be me. But that will never happen. I can push it away all I want, but it'll always still be there. There is no time machine, there is no amount of therapy, and no matter much my self-confidence improves, there will always be words, echoes, knowing that I wasn't good enough for 5 years. Then I went to cyber school where I had no friends because no one knew each other. I don't know.

Heavy Shadows

Depression weighs heavy on my mind these days Like an elephant on a tightrope, just waiting to fall To take the plunge, the drift Into darkness where light is captive in corners And hope is trapped in the shadows Nothing but shadows Of shame and distress Anxiety, loss, & loneliness Where nothing makes sense And you don't know why But tears always claw their way to the surface And drown you in lies and self-loathing Where you believe it Because darkness seems to be a place to call home now Because the darkness has stolen the only small match you carried Because you and the match have both burnt out

God Loves Us ALL

Disclaimer: I am not a Bible scholar, nor is my intention to offend, ridicule, or pass judgement on anyone. Let me first state, that I AM a Christian. That being said, let's move on. God loves everyone. No ifs ands or buts. This includes gays, by the way. We are called, as Christians, to love our neighbors as ourselves & to love as God has loved us. It is not our place nor job to judge or tell people how to live. Just because some people are different or believe different things,it is not our place to condemn them for it. Now it's not just because the homosexuals are already being bullied, beaten, & killed by too many homophobic dipwads as it is. Not because they didn't CHOOSE to wake up one day & be attracted to members of the same sex. More or less ALSO because we are told not point out the splinter in someone else's eye when we have a plank in ours. And honestly, how is them being gay affecting you? Seriously. The Bible has stated that eating shell fish is a sin along with playing with pig skin(football) & let's not forget that women are not to to oversee men & that slavery is ok! Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone! The Muslims don't walk up to you & tell you that you're going to hell because you don't believe what they believe. I'm not saying that if someone is sinning you should let them continue doing it, but they need to come across the revelation themselves. The more you try to pound it into their head or shove religion down their throat, the further away you're pushing them. Think about it. Do you like when someone comes up to you & yells at you for doing something different than they do? Does that make you want to change? No. It makes you want to punch them in the face. "I become all things to all men...I do this all for the glory of God." 1Corinthians 9:19-23. So just because I am doing what God has called me to do(loving everyone) does not mean I should be condemned for NOT condemning them. If you wanna be a homosexual hater, whatever. But it's just gonna make me a lot more determined to love these people who have outcast, kicked, bullied, beaten, & ridiculed. Unless your mission is to stop them by driving them to commit suicide, stop. Please.

Our Story

**I realized that every story I started writing, I got bored with. Therefore, I ended up losing it. Whenever I find it, I never remember where I was going with the story. So this time, I picked a story to start that I wouldn't get bored with, & I couldn't forget what I wanted to happen next in the book. How? Because this time I picked a real story. This time, I picked Our Story.**

So there I was. Sitting all alone during the first slow dance, and probably every other dance after that. Apparently I was the only one at my table who hadn’t made prior dance partner arrangements. As the dance began to pick up I sunk into my chair and examined the tables center piece; a glass square with an opening at the top where the clear marbles, water, and roses had been inserted.

Suddenly, there was an out-stretched hand to the right of me. I turned around and looked up to see a tall man, slightly tanned with blue eyes and blonde hair that had been slicked back almost professionally. He almost resembled a college scholar in his sleek black suit and maroon tie, but I knew he couldn’t be more than twenty.

“Come on.” He smiled at me and tipped his head toward the dance floor. Normally, I would never, but something inside of me(possibly the mystery of a perfect, handsome stranger) just couldn’t resist.

I slowly and softly placed my palm into his and he led me to an open area near the edge of the dance floor. Since I was at least six inches shorter than him(even in heels), we took a moment to awkwardly adjust ourselves(or at least attempt to) so that we may have possibly looked some type of normal.

We danced in silence for a few moments before he blurted out “I’m Chris, by the way.” Through the deafness of music and foot clattering.

“I’m Ebony.” I managed, as I looked up to make quick eye contact for only the second time. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m usually not a shy person. But there was just something about Chris that made me feel bashful. Was it the handsome smile? The sophisticated way he carried himself? Or maybe it was the fact that even though we were barely touching, there was a connection. Almost as if I’d known him for so much longer than just a few short minutes.

After names were exchanged, the conversation slowly but surely began to pick up.

“So how do you know the bride and groom?” Chris asked, trying to pull me out of a shell that I was hiding in as if I was a child hiding behind a blanket.

“Uh, I used to go to YFC a little while back. You?”

“Um, same almost but it’s been a long time since I’ve been there. You know the saying ‘God is boom’?”

God is boom has been around Youth for Christ for a little while now. It doesn’t come up very often, but then again I only started going about maybe a year and a half ago. It’s more or less used to describe the power and omnipresence of God. Usually when someone neglects to find words for whatever it is they’re trying to say.

“Yeah, I’ve heard it before.” I told him.

“I made that up,” He smiled. “it was me that started that.”

“Really?” I said. “I never knew where it started. I haven’t been going for very long. Usually only Lightforce.”

Lightforce is almost like a youth group, but only on Saturday nights. It’s basically to keep kids off the streets and give them something better and productive to do. Usually it consists of playing a game, socializing, and the a power point, video, or “sermon” on something Bible related.

What I Love About Him

-Everything
-How he's a little crazy
-Even though he doesn't really know who I used to be, he accepts it
-The way he walks around shirtless..mid-winter
-He's so certain even when he's clueless
-He's smart
-His personality is like none other
-How excited he gets over the smallest things
-Sometimes he's so Chandler :p
-His voice
-He's so independent but would be so lost without me
-Waking up next to him
-He's witty
-How he always holds my hand in the dark(for my safety)
-He will put down his xbox controller for me(most days)
-He's taught me so much
-How he'll sit down & watch Wildfire with me even though he hates horses :)
-How sometimes he lays his head on me to nap
-The worried look in his eyes when he's trying to be confident about plans
-How he likes kids movies
-He'll stay up til midnight on the 30th of each month just to say happy anniversary
-He's always there for me
-The curve of his smile
-His blue eyes
-How his hair always looks perfect
-His sense of humor
-His egotistical charm :)
-How he looks past what I've been through & sees who I am now
-His kisses
-How tightly he hugs me
-That look
-How we can read each others minds
-How we can fit each others clothes
-That he never pushes me in a bad way
-He's there
-He's fun
-He's responsible
-He respects me
-The way our hands fit together
-The butterflies he gives me
-He knows when to be serious
-He's protective
-He loves me
-He takes care of me(even when I don't)
-He always makes me feel better
-We can be immature & childish together
-How he holds me
-How he looks me in the eyes
-He makes me happy
-Just being with him can completely take me from depressed to smiley
-He gets me
-He doesn't always understand, but he always accepts
-His cheesy quotes that he means to be sincere
-How honest he is with me
-How I can be myself around him
-How he always seems to have a plan
-He's not like other guys
-He's such a guy sometimes
--I can talk to him about everything
**It's 7am, I'm tired, & he'll be home in an hour. More to come tomorrow.**

Ah, Family

Ok. So here's the deal. I got a call from my sister, Becky like 15 minutes ago. She's at work. She tells me my mother has fallen out of her chair & is alone at the house with my 2yo niece. She then proceeds to ask me if I can call, see if she's gotten up yet, and if not, if I could go over & help her up. I said sure, even though I'm at my boyfriend's house, 45 minutes away.

I call my mother to see if she's ok and if she's gotten up. She says she's just laying on the floor and my niece is laying on top of her. My exact words were "So in other words, I need to come over." Ya know, just, not rude, just like in a "well, I'm coming over then" type way. She tells me I don't have to and I tell her I'm not going to let her lay on the ground with my niece for another 3 hours until Becky gets off work and gets home and that I'm going to come over. What does she say? "Well, you're not gonna be of much help, I don't know what you're gonna be able to do." What the fuck.This is exactly why we don't fuckin get along. Here I am, offering my services, not only as her daughter, but as a good person, from 45 minutes away that would require me to drag myself away from a warm bed, and make my boyfriend drive me all the way over, wait for me, and drive us all the way back. Did I miss something?? I'm a good fucking person! What the hell. I've done a lot of shit in my life, but none that would require being treated like dirt THIS BADLY as a consequence.

Is it not enough to offer help out of love, respect, compassion, & sympathy? Am I a bad person?? And the thing is, this NEVER gets old for her! Apparently, I will never be a real daughter or one that deserves any type of respect or love and honestly, I don't know why she even bothers talking to me anymore. Am I THAT BAD of a person that you don't want me living under your roof OR offering to help you up when you've fallen? I mean, what the fuck?! I do NOT deserve to be treated like this!

And to put the cherry on top of it all, we all know how incredibly HIGH my self-worth, self-confidence, and everything in between are. So that put a decent sized, "chip" in the scale of how much I'm worth and appreciated.

In all honesty, a part of me wants to take a bottle of tequila and cough syrup to the head and then proceed to slit my wrists in front of her. Bet she wouldn't even twitch.

Fortunately, I got a hold of my oldest sister Jen, who only lives 5 minutes from my mom's house and convinced her to go over and deal with her, after Jen tried to accuse me of just not wanting to "drag myself away from my boyfriend." What a load of bullshit. This is how highly my family thinks of me. Awesome, right?

On the one brighter note of my life, at least my boyfriend is here for me, loves me, respects me, and sees my worth even when I don't. Without him, I'd probably be dead right now. But fortunately, right now all I have after this conversation is a headache, a crick in my neck/shoulder, and an overactive heater inside my body.

Here's to the love that families share from day to day and the great appreciation they hold for one another.

Now

I'm so angry. Everything around me is spinning and my thoughts won't shut up. I thought I'd never have to do this again. I thought it was over. I thought I had it under control. How is it that within 48 hours I haven't been able to calm down at all? This is ridiculous. I feel out of control. I feel nauseous and like someone's stabbing me in the side. I have a headache that won't let up and the pain just keeps getting worse. I got to a point where I almost broke down in tears today...now that I'm alone..kinda, I couldn't cry if I was run over by a stampede of elephants. Everything is mixed and jumbled and nowhere near sanity. Right now, I'm curled up in a ball with my head spinning and random black outs. I can't sleep, but I NEED to sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just be dead?

File Report

File Name: Progress
Operation: Black Hole
Person/Persons: Ebony J.
Objective: Kill Her


Ebony is running from death itself. In other words, she's running from herself. She's on foot in full sprint, but her past is in an 18-wheeler. She's weak. She's falling apart. Now is the time to attack. As her mind fades and her thoughts race we are already a step ahead. We have tapped into her brain and are sucking the life out of her bit by bit.

We got to her in the night. She was dreaming, a death-trap set by our professionals. We took the bottled anger from her shelf and let the black fumes loose in her blood stream & her muscles tensed for a moment. These fumes would then spread to her eyes, making them pitch black to her. This is part of a prgram that will lead her to disown herself because she doesn't recognize herself. We've also increased the power and frequency of her headaches and can now control them from HQ along with the speed of her thoughts.

Also, we've been able to fubar her contact center. We are in the process of drawing her away from communicating with others and turning her into a dispised loner. This program is going quite well and is making quick progress.

We've tapped her senses. Her temptations. We are proud to announce that we have successfully put her on a track back to who she used to be. The quality of our work is never compromised and is above any other comparison. We plan to slowly drain her of everything and everyone she knows and loves and eventually kill her , feeding the process on her own anger. Thank you for your time.

Run to You

I run to you
Because you make
Me feel
Safe
When all hope is
Gone
And I'm
Hanging
On
By a thread
You take
The knife
From my hand
And offer
Your hand
In exchange
You are
The only one I can
Run to where
The arms are open
Wide
And not folded with
Disappointment
And disgrace
You don't know how much
You mean to me
And how
Often
I feel like
A speck
And a child
Unable to
Stand on my
Own
When I run
To you

A Double Dose of Tears

Every night she holds her
And she just cries over her
Her little limp body so peaceful
So nieve
So unaware of weak her caretaker becomes
Every night once she's asleep

It's so hard to watch her cry
Because she knows wht it's like
To cry for something, someone
Who just isn't there
And to see the way that little girl breaks
Breaks her heart again and again

She lays her heaad on her shoulder
Only to shed tears behind her back
And she has no idea
What her caretakers tearss mean
Or why they've shown themselves
As she stops her crying to watch

She'll even wipe away her tears with her tiny fingers
After her own tears have been wiped away
But at the end of the day
After the crying has ceased
The young one can lay her head down
And sleep away the tears

But that's the difference between the two
She can sleep it off
And be fine in the morning
But I'm up all night
Crying
And my mourning,
And my morning,
Don't bring relief

Gone.

This will be my last blog post..or at least I'm hoping..or at least for a while. I find this all to be a pointless battle I'm fighting. People trying to replace me, copy me, act like me. Stop being a fucking printer and get a life because no matter how hard you try to act like me to replace me, it's not gonna happen. But I guess people are ok with you trying to replace me. And you know what? If you think you can do a better job at living my life, then go for it. You step right into my shoes and take a goddamn hike. But I'm done. I'm done trying to be what everyone fucking wants me to be. If you don't like me how I am than take a long walk, off a short bridge and don't forget to slit your throat on the way down. Fuck it. I'm done with the bullshit. You act all fuckin innocent so people won't know you're really a bitch beneath the surface. I'm gone. So fuck it, you, and everyone who caved into your little scheme. Done.

I Remember

I remember
The first night
Like it was yesterday
So clearly I'll never forget

I remember
The first game
You gave me a hug
And took my hand

I remember
The first outfit
A Michael Jackson shirt
And jeans to go with it

I remember
The first kiss
"No, I'm the lucky one"
Lips & a look that melted my core

I remember
The first meal
Cheesecake and mozzarella sticks
No strawberries for me, no cheese sticks for you

I remember
The first goodbye
Twenty minutes too short
And Dad, "Save some for later"

I remember
The first song
When you called me
And had the choir sing I'm Yours

I remember
The first outing
Went with the family
To all your comps and games

But mostly
I remember
The last goodbye
At the movie theatre
Theatre 8, 2012
Our hands holding on
Not realizing how tightly
But it was slow motion
When we let go
And that...
That was the last time I saw you
I remember

The Truth About Me

My belly is hurting. I'm angry about this..not about this, but I'm angry. I'm texting with Hayley who's at some market with her family. She's bored too. I wish I could be a real musician. Put everything together. I love how visual this music is. I'm listening to "Last Tango in Paris" by Gotan Project. Awesome stuff. I wanna travel. I just wanna go. Not even know where I'm going, but to just go. I wanna visit the spot, but I don't have a way there and back. I wanna do photgraphy, but it's kinda cold. I hate being alone. Relationship wise..and in general. I'm not eating again, but this time it's on purpose. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, but I do. Well I know why and it's starting to prove it's purpose. I look thinner today. My clothes are looser today. It's a good feeling, not gonna lie. I might be taking Jocelyn trick-or-treating with Kendra and Elena and the boys on Thursday. I've been thinking about Chris a lot lately. Ask me why and I couldn't tell you the answer. But I'm thinking about going to the Hanna game on Friday. Why? Because a part of me hopes that when he sees me he'll realize that he needs me back in his life. I've come to terms with a lot that's happened in my life, but that's still not one of them. I wanna do acting auditions. I wanna be an actress. But I'd love to learn more about photography too. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever truly be happy. No I won't. I'm a fat, ugly, blob. I want to have a baby. I want to get married. I want to have someone that cares for me. I want to be able to watch my children grow up. My heart hurts. I'm angry. There's so much I don't understand. I want what we had..I want it all back. My laptop's dying. I'm dying. I'm starving myself. I texted him back. I shouldn't have. I don't think anyone should ever know the things he's said to me. But I still text him. I still text him back. I've been tempted to text Kyle too. I'm yearning for more trouble in my life. A part of me wanted to get in that car with him. But he looked greasy. And my mind took over my instinctive side and made me say no before I could say yes. Sometimes I crave attention. It's at those times I back myself into a corner and ball myself up. But I also do that when I want to be alone. I don't know myself as well as I pretend to. I cry more than I laugh and lots of people don't know that. I fake a smile 98% of the time and I think in a way it's sad yet relieving that no one seems to notice. I wish I like acting because I like the idea of being someone I'm not. It's appealing to me. I love beig held close. It makes me feel loved, protected. I dream about the beach all the time. Sometimes I see visions of me where I'm smiling a real smile. Or at least I think so. And I wonder what it will take for me to get there. A part of me wants to show people the truly happy, fun-loving part of me but I don't know how to find it. I want the people close to me to be able to see that I'm not always depressed, that I haven't always been depressed. That I was happy at one point in time. I want them to see me smile. Not through tears, but a real smile. I want to be healthy. I want them to not have to worry about my health, about the cuts I bring on myself. The positions I put myself in just to get hurt so at least I can feel something other than depression. I dream of doing things I can't do in reality. I want to be pregnant just so I can feel some sort of connection to someone, even if they're inside of me. That way I'd never truly be alone. I want to establish myself. I have no idea of who I am. Sometimes I put myself down so that when my mood increases, I'll feel even better. I tell myself I'm fatter than I really am so that when I look in the mirror or step on the scale, I feel just an inkling better about myself than I did before. Sometimes I bury myself just to see who will try and find me. A part of me hopes that the test results will come back positive. Just so I can tell myself that it'll only be a little while now. My neck hurts. A part of me wants to get hit by a car. Get into a car accident so that I'd be laid up in the hospital. I wish I was in the hopsital. Even when people tell me that they love me, I still feel unloved everyday. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is cry. I keep telling myself "it has to get better" and I keep hoping that maybe someday it really will. I keep myself busy so that I can tell myself "I don't have time to eat right now" and end up not eating at all. I can't remember the last time my biological mother hugged me. I can't tell you the last time my biological father was there to listen to a real problem I had. I never remember my biological father ever wiping my tears away, but I only remember him being the reason for them. My family has caused more pain, suffering, and tears than they'll ever know. Even when I walk into my church, I feel judged. I feel like no one will truly ever understand me. 99% of the time I feel invisible unless I'm being yelled at or lectured. I feel like my niece sometimes sees me as her mom. I haven't completely mastered the art of the word "no" unless I'm pissed off. I can be in a room filled with people and feel alone. I can have someone hanging on me or sitting right next to me and still feel like the only(and the lonliest) person in the universe. Being cold makes your body burn more calories to get you back to normal body temperature. I have never felt at home. I can lie better than some people think. When I say I'm fine, it really means that I want you to knock down the wall and find out what's really going on. Sometimes I feel like saying something about a specific thing will open a can of worms so I will be mad at someone in my head and I'll never let them know for sake of the relationship. I'm cold. My brain and heart have never worked together. I can and do smoke still sometimes. I'm a horrible exmple. People look at me to follow but I'm a natural born leader. I go from annoyed to pissed off in 2.5 seconds. I feel 100% at home in bitch mode. I try to turn off bitch mode because I try to please everyone. I will never be good enough in my own eyes. I will never see my successes as actual sucesses because every time I succeed as a kid, no one cared. Sarcasm and bitch mode go hand in hand. I'm very indecisive. When I'm numb, I don't care. When I start feeling too many emotions at the same time, my brain powers down, my eyes twich, and I have random spasms. On top of that, I never remember what happens. Sometimes I'm only comforted by causing myself physical pain. People underestimate me more times than not. I'm like a fire, you touch me or I touch you, you'll be the one getting burned. I have a talent for "burning" people even when I try my hardest not to. Sometimes I seclude myself so that I won't hurt people but I end up hurting people anyway. A good portion of my poetry sucks. I have a difficult time expressing most of my emotions or putting them into words. Sometimes I just need a hug.

Randomness

I'm slowly beginning to realize that autumn is actually my favorite season. I don't really like spring, and winter is my 2nd favorite. Summer is 3rd I guess. I mean, autumn is so photogenic. I love the leaves; how they change color, how they crunch when you step on them. Fall is amazing. I guess it's kind of like a renewal process. We're the leaves. We grow, we change, we "fall" and new people are born as we fall away.

On another topic, I'm sitting in a "cafe" right now. I'm people watching. Thinking about writing a story. Or attempting to..once again. To my right it looks like a young woman(19-22) is having an interview..kinda. To my left, is a man who is talking with a woman who just came in. Before he was talking to man. I'd say maybe he's a psyche dr of sorts or something, but by the words being exchanged, he's not. There's a man across from me who's been on his phone almost the whole time I've been here with a laptop ad cup of coffee with him. A business man no doubt. I believe he was the same man here a few days ago working on a technology slideshow presentation.

I'm slowly realizing that it's much easier to write things than to type them. I feel like doing some free-writing. That'll probably be my next post.

I Thought God Made Mistakes

I thought God made mistakes
Not because everyone does
But only because I looked at my life
And wonder if He was buzzed

How I wound up with my parents
I really just don't know
And my sisters I was given
Must be a disgustingly sick joke

But then one day I stumbled
Upon a man that's now my dad
Would I trade him for the world? Hell no!
He's the best one I've ever had

And months passes by as wind
It was then I met my mother
Loving & so gentle
But not so much that she smothers

And days and weeks went by again
My sisters were at my side
There have been tears and smiles
But it's been an amazing ride

Although this family isn't related by blood
That's not what keeps families together
But love, loyalty, and shoulders
Is what will keep us attatched forever

He Never Left

So I sat and I thought
And I thought and I sat
And I wrote a poem
Saying he always comes back

But the more I sat
And the more I thought
I thought about what
Myself I had taught

And after a while
The wheels started turning
And I thought about everything
I thought I had been learning

But when it was all said and done
And my brain was completely cleft
My heart finally realized
The he, had never left

He Always Comes Back

He may take a moment
To love others
To gaze at the sun
But he always comes back

He might become angry
Or easily annoyed
And he may shut me off
But he always comes back

I might push him away
I may shut him out
I can scream at the top of my lungs
But he always comes back

We can get irritated with each other
I have cried countless tears on his shoulder
He might hug me when I don't want him to
But he always comes back

He has seen me at my worst
He's been the victim of my silence
Even when I can't stop talking
He always comes back

I've been the victim of abandonment
I've told him stories of my past
I thought I'd never have a Daddy
But this one
He always comes back