Bullies and Memories

So, it's been a while since I actually looked back at my past because it's a place I like to leave behind close titanium doors with chains and locks bound around its dark trenches; but today it someone burst out of its entrapmentad in just a flash, glanced at me before returning to its prison. But it was too late. The chains it had broken were not able to be reassembled; its pandorica free of any blockade or wall between us. The black ghosts now spread out invite my mind, pulling memories here and there and causing havoc that no being is able to undo. Its a chaos that slips down from my mind, into my heart and weighs it down like an elephant on a lily pad. Then it floats down into my stomach creating a pit that resembles a black hole and it is there that it make its home. I know I am not alone in this chaos and havoc and I know everyone has their own black ghosts, some just blend in with the darkness better. Whenever I leave my house, I try to look at least decent(even as a mom) just for me so I know I have improved myself,but why? Is it to impress strangers I come in contact with? No, they'll probably never see me again. So why care? Because deep down, we DO care what people think. I had thought I had gotten over that, being an adult now, and realizing that no matter what, I am me and that's perfectly fine. It was a lie. I leave my house trying to look my best because in that pandorica are tiny voices that still repeat and echo the words of those mean bullies in school. I never wanted to admit it, but I was bullied in school. I was never quite right; not thin enough, not pretty enough,I wasn't popular or rich, & some days wasn't the freshest I could be. And what did that get me? The lowest grade you could be in school; a target. No "F" will ever be beneath it. And the worst part is, I tries to overcompensate to fit in with friends who weren't from school because I didn't want them to know what other people thought of me; the value stamp I'd already been marked with. It was a chance to be what I wasn't at school. And it was nice that people saw my personality and not my low grade target sticker on my forehead and back. But here I am, 3, almost 4, years out of high school-a wife, a mom- and still today I cried for several minutes over the hurtful things the bullies said back then..even in middle school. I like to think I'm a rather nice person but I bet no one I went to school would know if you asked aside from about 4 or 5 friends I still love and talk to today. It all started in 6th grade. That's 10 years ago now. Almost 11. And here I am, still thinking about the harsh things kids said. I never told my mom, my sisters, some of the teachers knew...But I was ashamed that I was not good enough..I still am. How do you escape something that haunts you in every shadow and around every corner? How is it that I am 21 years old, married, with a child and still I'm affected by this? It's depressing. I don't want pity for being bullied, I don't want half-hearted apologies from the bullies...I just want to be able to move on with my life and be me. But that will never happen. I can push it away all I want, but it'll always still be there. There is no time machine, there is no amount of therapy, and no matter much my self-confidence improves, there will always be words, echoes, knowing that I wasn't good enough for 5 years. Then I went to cyber school where I had no friends because no one knew each other. I don't know.