"You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I'll rise." These famous words spoken years ago by the powerful poet and author, Maya Angelou are spoken with dignity and strength. Her heart pouring out like an overflowing waterfall, we see her persevearance through life and her strength to not let others bring her down. In the same breath, the harsh workds of others are part of what makes stronger.
"At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But then I spent so mant nights thinking how you did me wrong, and I got strong. And I learned how to get along." These words, also brought forth years ago but by the singer GLoria Gaynor, were sand with the same fiery passion Angelou found within herself upon writing "And Still I Rise." Two powerful pieces of art performed by two very powerful and strong women. These pieces show that these women are strong and independent. They don't let what others say, hurt them or in Gloria's case, what a man does to wrong her, bring them down or leave them depressed.
Both of these works are incredibly inspiring and these women are admirable. Strength is something you've got to have in order to survive in today's society. "I Will Survive" and "Still I Rise" are written on the same foundation; the fact that what other people do can effect you. It's up to you whether it breaks you or makes you stronger.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Random Scenes
These are a few ranom scenes I've written to put together with more scenes I havent written yet for a play. It's a work in progress but it comes to me in different patches so I don't have any other scenes but these ones that came to me. ha
THE UNFINISHED SCENE
Mr. West: (walk to doorway) Mida, your father's in the driveway (exits)
Mida: Ok (Opens eyes a little and lightly hits Derek's chest) Come on. (Starts getting up)
Derek: (Pulls Mida back onto the couch) He's not here yet. (Groggy voice with eyes closed)
Mida: Yea he is babe. (Looks at phone) He even just texted me. (Gets up)
(Derek gets up, takes Mida's hand, leads her through the house and out the front door)
(They continue to the car giggling)
Derek: Is he on his laptop?
Mida: As always...let's see if we can get his attention. (Smiles and winks as she pulls closer to Derek)
(Derek wraps his arms around Mida's waist as she wraps hers around his neck. As they start kissing, they begin getting more and more intense until they are officially making out. Derek starts pushing her toward the car and lifts her onto the hood. He starts rubbing her back and sliding a hand up the back of her shirt while his other hand rubs her leg.)
Mida: (Smiles and leans closer to Derek's ear and whispers) We're trying to get his attention, not make a death wish.
THE TRUTH & THE BREAK UP SCENE
Mida: (Almost angry) DOn't you get it? We're graduating, in just a few months. This is it, Kyle. We're going off to college, all of us. We're all going out on our own and going our separate ways. I mean, who knows how far we're all going. I know I can't let my friends influence where my future is going, but... Kyle, you guys mean the world to me and I'm not ready to lose you.
Kyle: What do you think texting and cell phones are for? There's always facebook. Mida, you're overreacting.
Mida: I am not overreacting! I know that there's texting and and and, facebook, but you're just not understand the reality of this are you? Texting? Facebook? Do you realize that we all see each otheronly once or twice a week now and we're all within 20 minutes of each other? How often fo we talk outside of when we see each other in person? Huh? I mean, if we're already caught up in our daily lives too much to talk to each other now... Do I have to go on?
Kyle: Mi, it's okay...
Mida: No its not okay! (Let's a tear slip) I don't wanna lose you guys.
Kyle: So what? Are you telling me you're not going off to college?
Mida: No. Whether I go off to college or not doesn't affect whether you do or whther any of my other friends do or not. And if I don't, then what? What am I gonna do? Work at McDonald's for the rest of my life? Constantly regretting not taking what could be the biggest oportunity of ever? I can't do that Kyle.
Kyle: Than what do you want, Mida? (Getting angry himself)
Mida: (Pauses) I just wat to konw that I'm never gonna lose you...
Kyle: Oh, Mida. You couldn't lose me if you tried. (Smiles and hugs Mida as she starts crying)
(TANYA enters; feeling confused and awkward by her boyfriend hugging a close mutual friend)
Tanya: What's...what's goin on? (Laughs awkwardly as Mida pulls away from Kyle)
Mida: I was just... (Looks Kyle in the eye) leaving. Goodbye Kyle. (Nods and partially smiles at Tanya and then exits)
Tanya: What was that? What's going on?
Kyle: It's nothing. She's just a little upset. Anyway, I, uh, I wanted to talk to you about something.
Tanya: Sure, what's happening baby?
Kyle: (Takes a deep breath then exhales) I'm... I'm going off for college, in about seven months.
Tanya: Yea, I know that.
Kyle: I'm... I'm going all the way to Georgia. All the way...
Tanya: So what is it Kyle?
Kyle: I... I don't think I can do that to you.
Tanya: So what? What are you talking about?
Kyle: I can't... I can't let you miss out on life while I'm out living and making mine.
Tanya: What are you trying to say?
Kyle: I think it's best if we just (pauses) if we're just friends.
Tanya: Wait, are you breaking up with me?
Kyle: I... Tanya, you can't be limited when I leave. I don't want you to miss out on life because you're staying and waiting for.
Tanya: I... I don't know what to say.
Kyle: I'm sorry Tanya.
Tanya: I... I... I gotta go. Bye Kyle. (Starts crying and exits)
(Kyle reaches out as the door slams and then hangs his head) END SCENE
THE AFTERMATH OF THE FIRST DATE SCENE
(Car pulls up to the curb in front of a big, beautiful, white house. Derek and Mida slide out of the backseat holding hands and smiling)
Derek: Ugh, I gotta go home.
Mida: Derek, you are home. (Smiles)
Derek: No. See I'm not home until I step onto that curb. Until then, I'm still with you. (Smiles and wraps arms around Mida's waist as he pulls her closer)
Mida: (Smiles) Oh ok. (Laughs a little and looks into Derek's eyes as she puts her arms around his waist)
Derek: Man, I'm so lucky to have you.
Mida: No, I'm the lucky one.
Derek: No, I am
Mida:: Are we gonna have this conversation again? (Smiles)
Derek: (Leans in and kisses Mida) I'm the lucky one. (Smiles)
Mida: (Smiles) Ok, ok. Whatever you have to tell yourself to get to sleep at night.
Derek: (Laughs a little and leans back to look at Mida) You're mine. (Almost as an epiphany)
Mida: Yea... I'm yours. (Kisses Derek)
(As Mida goes to pull back from the kiss, Derek pushes in and continues to kiss her)
Mr. Hope: (From the driver's seat) Save some for later.
Mida: (Leans back, smiles) I love my dad, I love my dad, I love my dad...
Derek: (Laughs) He's gonna kill you...
Mida: (Shakes her head and smiles) Nuh uh.
Derek: (Nods his head and smiles) Yea huh.
Mida: (Laughs a little) Nuh uh!
(Slow, romantic music starts playing in the car. Mida looks through the door to see her dad smiling at her)
Mida: Once again, I love my dad. (Smiles and laughs a little)
Derek: This is a good song. As soon as this song is over, I gotta go home though.
Mida: (Gives the puppy dog face) I could just kidnap you. (Smiles)
Derek: Oh, ok. I'm cool with that. But my parents...not so much.
Mida: ((Laughs as she hugs him tighter and leans her head on his chest as they stand there in silence for a bit) I'm so happy to be with you. (Smiles)
Derek: Baby I'm happy to be withyou too. (Smiles and rests his chin on Mida's head) But I think this song is just about over.
Mida: No it's not. (Laughs a little then gives a sad face) You have to go home now?
Derek: Unfortunately...(Kisses Mida one last time) I'll miss you.
Mida: I'll miss you too. (Gives a sad face)
Derek: I'm gonna shower and then I'll text you, ok?
Mida: Ok. (Smiles)
(Derek holdss Mida's hand as he reluctantly steps onto the curbs and gets to the sidewalk then finally lets go hesitantly. They exchange looks and blow kisses to each other and then Mida gets into the car)
Mida: (Buckles her seatbelt and looks at her dad) Don't say, a word.
Mr. Hope: What? (Smiles) END SCENE
A FEW OF THE SCENES THAT ARE STILL IN THE MAKING
*Mida breaks up with Derek for the same reason Kyle breaks up with Tanya*
*Kissing Brdge scene - Mida & Kyle*
THE UNFINISHED SCENE
Mr. West: (walk to doorway) Mida, your father's in the driveway (exits)
Mida: Ok (Opens eyes a little and lightly hits Derek's chest) Come on. (Starts getting up)
Derek: (Pulls Mida back onto the couch) He's not here yet. (Groggy voice with eyes closed)
Mida: Yea he is babe. (Looks at phone) He even just texted me. (Gets up)
(Derek gets up, takes Mida's hand, leads her through the house and out the front door)
(They continue to the car giggling)
Derek: Is he on his laptop?
Mida: As always...let's see if we can get his attention. (Smiles and winks as she pulls closer to Derek)
(Derek wraps his arms around Mida's waist as she wraps hers around his neck. As they start kissing, they begin getting more and more intense until they are officially making out. Derek starts pushing her toward the car and lifts her onto the hood. He starts rubbing her back and sliding a hand up the back of her shirt while his other hand rubs her leg.)
Mida: (Smiles and leans closer to Derek's ear and whispers) We're trying to get his attention, not make a death wish.
THE TRUTH & THE BREAK UP SCENE
Mida: (Almost angry) DOn't you get it? We're graduating, in just a few months. This is it, Kyle. We're going off to college, all of us. We're all going out on our own and going our separate ways. I mean, who knows how far we're all going. I know I can't let my friends influence where my future is going, but... Kyle, you guys mean the world to me and I'm not ready to lose you.
Kyle: What do you think texting and cell phones are for? There's always facebook. Mida, you're overreacting.
Mida: I am not overreacting! I know that there's texting and and and, facebook, but you're just not understand the reality of this are you? Texting? Facebook? Do you realize that we all see each otheronly once or twice a week now and we're all within 20 minutes of each other? How often fo we talk outside of when we see each other in person? Huh? I mean, if we're already caught up in our daily lives too much to talk to each other now... Do I have to go on?
Kyle: Mi, it's okay...
Mida: No its not okay! (Let's a tear slip) I don't wanna lose you guys.
Kyle: So what? Are you telling me you're not going off to college?
Mida: No. Whether I go off to college or not doesn't affect whether you do or whther any of my other friends do or not. And if I don't, then what? What am I gonna do? Work at McDonald's for the rest of my life? Constantly regretting not taking what could be the biggest oportunity of ever? I can't do that Kyle.
Kyle: Than what do you want, Mida? (Getting angry himself)
Mida: (Pauses) I just wat to konw that I'm never gonna lose you...
Kyle: Oh, Mida. You couldn't lose me if you tried. (Smiles and hugs Mida as she starts crying)
(TANYA enters; feeling confused and awkward by her boyfriend hugging a close mutual friend)
Tanya: What's...what's goin on? (Laughs awkwardly as Mida pulls away from Kyle)
Mida: I was just... (Looks Kyle in the eye) leaving. Goodbye Kyle. (Nods and partially smiles at Tanya and then exits)
Tanya: What was that? What's going on?
Kyle: It's nothing. She's just a little upset. Anyway, I, uh, I wanted to talk to you about something.
Tanya: Sure, what's happening baby?
Kyle: (Takes a deep breath then exhales) I'm... I'm going off for college, in about seven months.
Tanya: Yea, I know that.
Kyle: I'm... I'm going all the way to Georgia. All the way...
Tanya: So what is it Kyle?
Kyle: I... I don't think I can do that to you.
Tanya: So what? What are you talking about?
Kyle: I can't... I can't let you miss out on life while I'm out living and making mine.
Tanya: What are you trying to say?
Kyle: I think it's best if we just (pauses) if we're just friends.
Tanya: Wait, are you breaking up with me?
Kyle: I... Tanya, you can't be limited when I leave. I don't want you to miss out on life because you're staying and waiting for.
Tanya: I... I don't know what to say.
Kyle: I'm sorry Tanya.
Tanya: I... I... I gotta go. Bye Kyle. (Starts crying and exits)
(Kyle reaches out as the door slams and then hangs his head) END SCENE
THE AFTERMATH OF THE FIRST DATE SCENE
(Car pulls up to the curb in front of a big, beautiful, white house. Derek and Mida slide out of the backseat holding hands and smiling)
Derek: Ugh, I gotta go home.
Mida: Derek, you are home. (Smiles)
Derek: No. See I'm not home until I step onto that curb. Until then, I'm still with you. (Smiles and wraps arms around Mida's waist as he pulls her closer)
Mida: (Smiles) Oh ok. (Laughs a little and looks into Derek's eyes as she puts her arms around his waist)
Derek: Man, I'm so lucky to have you.
Mida: No, I'm the lucky one.
Derek: No, I am
Mida:: Are we gonna have this conversation again? (Smiles)
Derek: (Leans in and kisses Mida) I'm the lucky one. (Smiles)
Mida: (Smiles) Ok, ok. Whatever you have to tell yourself to get to sleep at night.
Derek: (Laughs a little and leans back to look at Mida) You're mine. (Almost as an epiphany)
Mida: Yea... I'm yours. (Kisses Derek)
(As Mida goes to pull back from the kiss, Derek pushes in and continues to kiss her)
Mr. Hope: (From the driver's seat) Save some for later.
Mida: (Leans back, smiles) I love my dad, I love my dad, I love my dad...
Derek: (Laughs) He's gonna kill you...
Mida: (Shakes her head and smiles) Nuh uh.
Derek: (Nods his head and smiles) Yea huh.
Mida: (Laughs a little) Nuh uh!
(Slow, romantic music starts playing in the car. Mida looks through the door to see her dad smiling at her)
Mida: Once again, I love my dad. (Smiles and laughs a little)
Derek: This is a good song. As soon as this song is over, I gotta go home though.
Mida: (Gives the puppy dog face) I could just kidnap you. (Smiles)
Derek: Oh, ok. I'm cool with that. But my parents...not so much.
Mida: ((Laughs as she hugs him tighter and leans her head on his chest as they stand there in silence for a bit) I'm so happy to be with you. (Smiles)
Derek: Baby I'm happy to be withyou too. (Smiles and rests his chin on Mida's head) But I think this song is just about over.
Mida: No it's not. (Laughs a little then gives a sad face) You have to go home now?
Derek: Unfortunately...(Kisses Mida one last time) I'll miss you.
Mida: I'll miss you too. (Gives a sad face)
Derek: I'm gonna shower and then I'll text you, ok?
Mida: Ok. (Smiles)
(Derek holdss Mida's hand as he reluctantly steps onto the curbs and gets to the sidewalk then finally lets go hesitantly. They exchange looks and blow kisses to each other and then Mida gets into the car)
Mida: (Buckles her seatbelt and looks at her dad) Don't say, a word.
Mr. Hope: What? (Smiles) END SCENE
A FEW OF THE SCENES THAT ARE STILL IN THE MAKING
*Mida breaks up with Derek for the same reason Kyle breaks up with Tanya*
*Kissing Brdge scene - Mida & Kyle*
BFFL? Def.
Oh my. How many years has it been? Too many. How many pounds? Too many. How many tears? Uncountable. But I need you again, I miss you and all you did for me. But look at who've I've become. This inadequate, imperfect(as though I ever were), hideous beast who is worthy of nothing, not even you. But I do pledge my allegiance to you if you agree to once again accompany me on this walk, run, to be the best me, the most beautiful me. You never said it was easy, but I'm ready.
I've started down your path already, but I need you to grab me and not let go. At least not until I'm all I can be. And only with you is that possible. Ana, you've been all I had for years upon years, and they took you away, made me turn my back on you and walk away..quickly. But this time it's you and me. There's no turning back. I would've loved to walk deeper down your path of perfection last time, but the other caught hold of me, told me it was wrong..we were wrong. But they were wrong. This time, I let nothing stand between me, and what I want, who I want to be. So you'll help me right? I mean, I almost miss the early mornings we spent together getting me in shape and redirecting the calories I shouldn't have eaten the day before. Ya know, it was a lovely little secret that I knew neither of us would tell.
Since I last disowned you, I have become a person I don't dare look at in the mirror anymore. I disgust myself. And I know that you're the only one who can help me fix this problem. Please, you're all I've got. If I can just walk into the light of your tunnel..things would begin to change. I can't wait for our journey to really pick up. Best friends for life? Oh definitely. Thank you Ana, for all you've done and yet to do.
Sincerely,
Me
I've started down your path already, but I need you to grab me and not let go. At least not until I'm all I can be. And only with you is that possible. Ana, you've been all I had for years upon years, and they took you away, made me turn my back on you and walk away..quickly. But this time it's you and me. There's no turning back. I would've loved to walk deeper down your path of perfection last time, but the other caught hold of me, told me it was wrong..we were wrong. But they were wrong. This time, I let nothing stand between me, and what I want, who I want to be. So you'll help me right? I mean, I almost miss the early mornings we spent together getting me in shape and redirecting the calories I shouldn't have eaten the day before. Ya know, it was a lovely little secret that I knew neither of us would tell.
Since I last disowned you, I have become a person I don't dare look at in the mirror anymore. I disgust myself. And I know that you're the only one who can help me fix this problem. Please, you're all I've got. If I can just walk into the light of your tunnel..things would begin to change. I can't wait for our journey to really pick up. Best friends for life? Oh definitely. Thank you Ana, for all you've done and yet to do.
Sincerely,
Me
Monday, August 30, 2010
Ana Tips (1st Ana Journal)
~Cough Drops
~No eating past 6pm
~Lots of veggies (Lettuce has no cals)
~Cardio 30-60 minutes 6 days a week
~Change workout weekly
~Workout twice a day
~Drink lots of water
~No dairy
~Sleep
~1 glass of wwater every hour(at least)
~ice water is best
~Eat ice or gum when hungry
~Aerobics
~Cold showers
~Brush teeth constantly
~Exercise twice the amount of calories eaten
~Walk when you're hungry
~Sleep at least 6 hours a day
~Prepare a list of excuses for not eating
~Make a scrapbook with pix of skinny models, a list of all the reasons you wanna lose weight, and a food diary
~Make a list of "bad" foods that you crave and pick one to take out of your diet completely each day that no matter what you won't eat again
~If you drink any alcohol, stick to a glass of wine, it has the least calories (80 Calories)
~Limit portion sizes to no more than one cup because your stomach will then expand
~The smell of coffee is supposed to supress appetite
~6 small meals a day( 2 apples, split them up so you can have 6 meals of them)
~Anti-heartburn pills kill the acid that builds and makes you hungry
~FUN FACT: It takes 20 minutes for your brain to realize your stomach's full
~When you get hunger pains, curl into a ball. It makes them go away
~Smoking curbs the appetite
~Lots of fiber makes you feel full and takes faat out of the body
~When you get hungry, chug water til you feel full
~Weight yourself before and after you eat to see how much you gain from what you eat
~Celery has negative calories and actually burns them
~Read the nutrion label! Fat-free doesn't mean calorie free. More fiber, less fat and calories
~Don't eat a lot at once
~No eating in front of the computer or tv or anything distracting from portion size
~Eating 4 100 cal meals is better than eating 1 400 calorie meal
~If you hit a weight loss plateau, binge a little to get it back on track
~Take a sip of water between bites, it reduces how much you actually eat
~If you have a craving, go prepare it, chew it, then spit it out. After, wash you mouth with water 3 times before swallowing a sip so no calories are digested.
~Don't eat foods that you don't know the exact amount of calories
~Track progress with measurements, not just the scale. The measuring tape isn't effected by weather or time of day
~When you wanna eat, put on a song that you are guarenteed to sing along to, this will disctract you from eating
~Buy awesome jeans that are a size or 2 too small and put them where you see them everyday as motivation to lose weight. When they fit, restart the cycle
~Use diet pills with caution
~No soda
~Water fasting cleanses the body of stored fats and whatnot
~Fasting can clear the skin, whiten the eyes, initiate rapid weight loss, make hair grow quick, and shrink the stomach
~Laxatives don't help!
~Eat smaller portions on smaller plates
~Eat low-cal soup-barely any fat and cals and fills you up fast
~Spinning around in circles curbs your appetite
~Tums curbs stomach acid that can make you hungry
~Set a goal weight, but also a weight that you refuse to hit if you gain too much weight
~Rice cakes are your best friend(30 cals, but only eat a few)
~fitday.com or caloriecounter.com will help track foods eaten and exercise and calories burned
~Get an Ana buddy! It will give you someone to not only keep you on track, but also someone to compare yourself to and "compete" against to lose the weight
These are some of my tips n secrets, from me, to you. HOPE THEY HELP!!
~No eating past 6pm
~Lots of veggies (Lettuce has no cals)
~Cardio 30-60 minutes 6 days a week
~Change workout weekly
~Workout twice a day
~Drink lots of water
~No dairy
~Sleep
~1 glass of wwater every hour(at least)
~ice water is best
~Eat ice or gum when hungry
~Aerobics
~Cold showers
~Brush teeth constantly
~Exercise twice the amount of calories eaten
~Walk when you're hungry
~Sleep at least 6 hours a day
~Prepare a list of excuses for not eating
~Make a scrapbook with pix of skinny models, a list of all the reasons you wanna lose weight, and a food diary
~Make a list of "bad" foods that you crave and pick one to take out of your diet completely each day that no matter what you won't eat again
~If you drink any alcohol, stick to a glass of wine, it has the least calories (80 Calories)
~Limit portion sizes to no more than one cup because your stomach will then expand
~The smell of coffee is supposed to supress appetite
~6 small meals a day( 2 apples, split them up so you can have 6 meals of them)
~Anti-heartburn pills kill the acid that builds and makes you hungry
~FUN FACT: It takes 20 minutes for your brain to realize your stomach's full
~When you get hunger pains, curl into a ball. It makes them go away
~Smoking curbs the appetite
~Lots of fiber makes you feel full and takes faat out of the body
~When you get hungry, chug water til you feel full
~Weight yourself before and after you eat to see how much you gain from what you eat
~Celery has negative calories and actually burns them
~Read the nutrion label! Fat-free doesn't mean calorie free. More fiber, less fat and calories
~Don't eat a lot at once
~No eating in front of the computer or tv or anything distracting from portion size
~Eating 4 100 cal meals is better than eating 1 400 calorie meal
~If you hit a weight loss plateau, binge a little to get it back on track
~Take a sip of water between bites, it reduces how much you actually eat
~If you have a craving, go prepare it, chew it, then spit it out. After, wash you mouth with water 3 times before swallowing a sip so no calories are digested.
~Don't eat foods that you don't know the exact amount of calories
~Track progress with measurements, not just the scale. The measuring tape isn't effected by weather or time of day
~When you wanna eat, put on a song that you are guarenteed to sing along to, this will disctract you from eating
~Buy awesome jeans that are a size or 2 too small and put them where you see them everyday as motivation to lose weight. When they fit, restart the cycle
~Use diet pills with caution
~No soda
~Water fasting cleanses the body of stored fats and whatnot
~Fasting can clear the skin, whiten the eyes, initiate rapid weight loss, make hair grow quick, and shrink the stomach
~Laxatives don't help!
~Eat smaller portions on smaller plates
~Eat low-cal soup-barely any fat and cals and fills you up fast
~Spinning around in circles curbs your appetite
~Tums curbs stomach acid that can make you hungry
~Set a goal weight, but also a weight that you refuse to hit if you gain too much weight
~Rice cakes are your best friend(30 cals, but only eat a few)
~fitday.com or caloriecounter.com will help track foods eaten and exercise and calories burned
~Get an Ana buddy! It will give you someone to not only keep you on track, but also someone to compare yourself to and "compete" against to lose the weight
These are some of my tips n secrets, from me, to you. HOPE THEY HELP!!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Diary Confessional
Dear Diary,
I was mistaken; wrong. I thought life was getting better and that I could start creating myself in a new light. As soon as I started the process, everything went horribly wrong. I was losing weight, I was beautiful, I was stronger. This is not life I EVER dreamed of. I mean, I have a boyfriend, but what does that mean anymore? What do we have? I said I wanted something real..something real..how do you define real? I don't even know what real is anymore. Nothing's real anymore. Does that mean the relationship is a fake? Just a filler in my time schedule? Am I even real anymore? Who am I? Where has life gone? Where has it taken me? I thought I knew what was right. I thought I knew the world, the people around me. I thought for just a second that maybe I was wanted, needed, loved, cared for. Once again I was wrong. Does this even make sense? Does it make sense for me to be crying right now? Am I allowed to cry, am I supposed to? I can't take this anymore..there were 3 things in the past that I could always count on.. I think it's time for a make a blast to the past...
I was mistaken; wrong. I thought life was getting better and that I could start creating myself in a new light. As soon as I started the process, everything went horribly wrong. I was losing weight, I was beautiful, I was stronger. This is not life I EVER dreamed of. I mean, I have a boyfriend, but what does that mean anymore? What do we have? I said I wanted something real..something real..how do you define real? I don't even know what real is anymore. Nothing's real anymore. Does that mean the relationship is a fake? Just a filler in my time schedule? Am I even real anymore? Who am I? Where has life gone? Where has it taken me? I thought I knew what was right. I thought I knew the world, the people around me. I thought for just a second that maybe I was wanted, needed, loved, cared for. Once again I was wrong. Does this even make sense? Does it make sense for me to be crying right now? Am I allowed to cry, am I supposed to? I can't take this anymore..there were 3 things in the past that I could always count on.. I think it's time for a make a blast to the past...
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Father of Mine
DECISIONS
Made, changed, analyzed
Who are you to decide
The future of which I've realized
May not be worth the ride.
LOVE
Debated, given, taken
And it is me you have forsaken
But I'm afraid you have mistaken
Me needing you when my future will call and is awakened.
TIME
Wasted, consumed, spent
When your shoulder wasn't lent
For me to cry on or repent
None for your love to be sent.
MONEY
Inherited, lost, invested
When it was my love tested
Because of time in me not invested
Thinking you could buy my love instead.
LIES
Weaved, lived, told
I guess the truth was always old
Thinking you could put me in a mold
And my love from a distance you could hold.
YOU
Child, fool, liar
Thought you wouldn't be burned by my fire
But when it comes to you, I tire
Of trying to gain your love by being everything you admire, desire, and require.
Made, changed, analyzed
Who are you to decide
The future of which I've realized
May not be worth the ride.
LOVE
Debated, given, taken
And it is me you have forsaken
But I'm afraid you have mistaken
Me needing you when my future will call and is awakened.
TIME
Wasted, consumed, spent
When your shoulder wasn't lent
For me to cry on or repent
None for your love to be sent.
MONEY
Inherited, lost, invested
When it was my love tested
Because of time in me not invested
Thinking you could buy my love instead.
LIES
Weaved, lived, told
I guess the truth was always old
Thinking you could put me in a mold
And my love from a distance you could hold.
YOU
Child, fool, liar
Thought you wouldn't be burned by my fire
But when it comes to you, I tire
Of trying to gain your love by being everything you admire, desire, and require.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I Wish I May, I Wish I Might, Have This Wish I Wish Tonight
So it's come to my attention that it is 11:11pm on Wednesday, April 21, 2010 and it's my turn to make a wish. I find myself wishing for something that I almost forgot existed with the rest of humanity; something I usually don't focus on. I suddenly find myself wishing for a father-daughter relationship. You know, the one I never had? Yep, that's the one. I guess I never really had a good relationship with either of my parents.
I guess the reason I've been thinking about it more lately, is because it seems like everywhere I look is a reminder of that relationship that I never had. I know this sounds like a dumb example, but when I was watching New Moon last night, just the way that Charlie worried so much when Bella went missing and was in her depression phase; the way he actually held her and told her that he loved. Especially when she needed to hear it most. He even offered to stay home from his fishing trip with Harry.
Examples two and three were found in the darkest places I never thought I'd be a part of - the Hannah Montana show and Cadet Kelly with Hilary Duff. The close relationship that Miley and her dad have? The fact that Kelly and her dad actually have a "life line" and know when each other are in trouble? Even that she had the opportunity to save his life, to worry about him. Nothing like that ever existed in my world; nothing even remotely close.
I feel like it's getting worse with age. Right now I'm supposed to be working on my PE Log for school. I mean, my relationship with my father has NEVER affected my academics before. Having nothing to do with my father has always been the ideal, so it never had to affect me before. But I feel like this past week has been so emotional, but at the same time so emotionless. I feel like I've become numb to every emotional I have but still have every one of them at the front of my brain. It's like, I can't win. I don't get it.
Nothing ever weighed on me this much since college/moving out. I don't know what to do. I mean, it's not like I haven't tried. But I feel like if I'd tried hard enough I would've fixed it by now and I wouldn't be in this predicament. My father and I are two completely different people. I've tried everything I can think of. The sad thing is, he thinks we haven= this great relationship going on and everything is peachy, especially since he gave me his car.
But that's not the case. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. I've always been able to accept that the relationship my father and I have is about as good as it'd ever get as long as I wasn't honest with him about anything that involved my life goals, career ideas, or beliefs. And for the longest time, I was happy enough just living in that world and accepting it all the way it was. But I feel like now that he gave me the car, I'm obligated to make some sort of...extra effort to make it all work. Thing is, that's not going to happen; and I'll tell ya why:
1. He's in Ma and I'm not
2. He's not making ANY effort to make things better
And 3? There's absolutely nothing more I can do to try and make my relationship with my father any better unless I lie about everything including my goals, college plans, career ideas, beliefs, my personality, thoughts, feelings, and everything else inside of my life. And let me tell ya. THAT just ain't gonna happen. Know why? Because I am who I am and I don't have any reason to change unless I want to. I'm not going to conform to someone that's the complete opposite of who I am just to please them; even if it is my own father. They say that if someone truly loves you they'll accept you for who you really are. And that's true.I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. And that's truth. It's been the law of my life for quite a bit now.
I know that people say there's no use complaining about something if you're not going to change it. Truth is, I've tried to fix it; time and time again. I figure if it really meant that much to him, he'd opt to get to know who I really am and, (love it or hate it), accept me for it and respect me.
All he ever does is tell me what to do, think and say. Come to think about it, that's all I ever remember him doing in my life. I'm not a little girl. I don't need to be told what to do, think, and say. I can do that all for myself. I'm not a child anymore(although I guess he did miss that portion of my life since he left). I'm somewhere caught between a girl and a woman and no one seems to realize that. Everyone treats me as a child or as an adult. Although I'm 18 years old, I've still got a lot of growing up to do; emotionally and spiritually. Why does no one get that? People label me and push me and kick me. Whether they realize it or not, they do. In fact, I'll write another blog listing all the things I label myself as.
I guess the reason I've been thinking about it more lately, is because it seems like everywhere I look is a reminder of that relationship that I never had. I know this sounds like a dumb example, but when I was watching New Moon last night, just the way that Charlie worried so much when Bella went missing and was in her depression phase; the way he actually held her and told her that he loved. Especially when she needed to hear it most. He even offered to stay home from his fishing trip with Harry.
Examples two and three were found in the darkest places I never thought I'd be a part of - the Hannah Montana show and Cadet Kelly with Hilary Duff. The close relationship that Miley and her dad have? The fact that Kelly and her dad actually have a "life line" and know when each other are in trouble? Even that she had the opportunity to save his life, to worry about him. Nothing like that ever existed in my world; nothing even remotely close.
I feel like it's getting worse with age. Right now I'm supposed to be working on my PE Log for school. I mean, my relationship with my father has NEVER affected my academics before. Having nothing to do with my father has always been the ideal, so it never had to affect me before. But I feel like this past week has been so emotional, but at the same time so emotionless. I feel like I've become numb to every emotional I have but still have every one of them at the front of my brain. It's like, I can't win. I don't get it.
Nothing ever weighed on me this much since college/moving out. I don't know what to do. I mean, it's not like I haven't tried. But I feel like if I'd tried hard enough I would've fixed it by now and I wouldn't be in this predicament. My father and I are two completely different people. I've tried everything I can think of. The sad thing is, he thinks we haven= this great relationship going on and everything is peachy, especially since he gave me his car.
But that's not the case. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. I've always been able to accept that the relationship my father and I have is about as good as it'd ever get as long as I wasn't honest with him about anything that involved my life goals, career ideas, or beliefs. And for the longest time, I was happy enough just living in that world and accepting it all the way it was. But I feel like now that he gave me the car, I'm obligated to make some sort of...extra effort to make it all work. Thing is, that's not going to happen; and I'll tell ya why:
1. He's in Ma and I'm not
2. He's not making ANY effort to make things better
And 3? There's absolutely nothing more I can do to try and make my relationship with my father any better unless I lie about everything including my goals, college plans, career ideas, beliefs, my personality, thoughts, feelings, and everything else inside of my life. And let me tell ya. THAT just ain't gonna happen. Know why? Because I am who I am and I don't have any reason to change unless I want to. I'm not going to conform to someone that's the complete opposite of who I am just to please them; even if it is my own father. They say that if someone truly loves you they'll accept you for who you really are. And that's true.I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. And that's truth. It's been the law of my life for quite a bit now.
I know that people say there's no use complaining about something if you're not going to change it. Truth is, I've tried to fix it; time and time again. I figure if it really meant that much to him, he'd opt to get to know who I really am and, (love it or hate it), accept me for it and respect me.
All he ever does is tell me what to do, think and say. Come to think about it, that's all I ever remember him doing in my life. I'm not a little girl. I don't need to be told what to do, think, and say. I can do that all for myself. I'm not a child anymore(although I guess he did miss that portion of my life since he left). I'm somewhere caught between a girl and a woman and no one seems to realize that. Everyone treats me as a child or as an adult. Although I'm 18 years old, I've still got a lot of growing up to do; emotionally and spiritually. Why does no one get that? People label me and push me and kick me. Whether they realize it or not, they do. In fact, I'll write another blog listing all the things I label myself as.
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