Dear Diary,
I was mistaken; wrong. I thought life was getting better and that I could start creating myself in a new light. As soon as I started the process, everything went horribly wrong. I was losing weight, I was beautiful, I was stronger. This is not life I EVER dreamed of. I mean, I have a boyfriend, but what does that mean anymore? What do we have? I said I wanted something real..something real..how do you define real? I don't even know what real is anymore. Nothing's real anymore. Does that mean the relationship is a fake? Just a filler in my time schedule? Am I even real anymore? Who am I? Where has life gone? Where has it taken me? I thought I knew what was right. I thought I knew the world, the people around me. I thought for just a second that maybe I was wanted, needed, loved, cared for. Once again I was wrong. Does this even make sense? Does it make sense for me to be crying right now? Am I allowed to cry, am I supposed to? I can't take this anymore..there were 3 things in the past that I could always count on.. I think it's time for a make a blast to the past...
Monday, August 9, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Father of Mine
DECISIONS
Made, changed, analyzed
Who are you to decide
The future of which I've realized
May not be worth the ride.
LOVE
Debated, given, taken
And it is me you have forsaken
But I'm afraid you have mistaken
Me needing you when my future will call and is awakened.
TIME
Wasted, consumed, spent
When your shoulder wasn't lent
For me to cry on or repent
None for your love to be sent.
MONEY
Inherited, lost, invested
When it was my love tested
Because of time in me not invested
Thinking you could buy my love instead.
LIES
Weaved, lived, told
I guess the truth was always old
Thinking you could put me in a mold
And my love from a distance you could hold.
YOU
Child, fool, liar
Thought you wouldn't be burned by my fire
But when it comes to you, I tire
Of trying to gain your love by being everything you admire, desire, and require.
Made, changed, analyzed
Who are you to decide
The future of which I've realized
May not be worth the ride.
LOVE
Debated, given, taken
And it is me you have forsaken
But I'm afraid you have mistaken
Me needing you when my future will call and is awakened.
TIME
Wasted, consumed, spent
When your shoulder wasn't lent
For me to cry on or repent
None for your love to be sent.
MONEY
Inherited, lost, invested
When it was my love tested
Because of time in me not invested
Thinking you could buy my love instead.
LIES
Weaved, lived, told
I guess the truth was always old
Thinking you could put me in a mold
And my love from a distance you could hold.
YOU
Child, fool, liar
Thought you wouldn't be burned by my fire
But when it comes to you, I tire
Of trying to gain your love by being everything you admire, desire, and require.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I Wish I May, I Wish I Might, Have This Wish I Wish Tonight
So it's come to my attention that it is 11:11pm on Wednesday, April 21, 2010 and it's my turn to make a wish. I find myself wishing for something that I almost forgot existed with the rest of humanity; something I usually don't focus on. I suddenly find myself wishing for a father-daughter relationship. You know, the one I never had? Yep, that's the one. I guess I never really had a good relationship with either of my parents.
I guess the reason I've been thinking about it more lately, is because it seems like everywhere I look is a reminder of that relationship that I never had. I know this sounds like a dumb example, but when I was watching New Moon last night, just the way that Charlie worried so much when Bella went missing and was in her depression phase; the way he actually held her and told her that he loved. Especially when she needed to hear it most. He even offered to stay home from his fishing trip with Harry.
Examples two and three were found in the darkest places I never thought I'd be a part of - the Hannah Montana show and Cadet Kelly with Hilary Duff. The close relationship that Miley and her dad have? The fact that Kelly and her dad actually have a "life line" and know when each other are in trouble? Even that she had the opportunity to save his life, to worry about him. Nothing like that ever existed in my world; nothing even remotely close.
I feel like it's getting worse with age. Right now I'm supposed to be working on my PE Log for school. I mean, my relationship with my father has NEVER affected my academics before. Having nothing to do with my father has always been the ideal, so it never had to affect me before. But I feel like this past week has been so emotional, but at the same time so emotionless. I feel like I've become numb to every emotional I have but still have every one of them at the front of my brain. It's like, I can't win. I don't get it.
Nothing ever weighed on me this much since college/moving out. I don't know what to do. I mean, it's not like I haven't tried. But I feel like if I'd tried hard enough I would've fixed it by now and I wouldn't be in this predicament. My father and I are two completely different people. I've tried everything I can think of. The sad thing is, he thinks we haven= this great relationship going on and everything is peachy, especially since he gave me his car.
But that's not the case. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. I've always been able to accept that the relationship my father and I have is about as good as it'd ever get as long as I wasn't honest with him about anything that involved my life goals, career ideas, or beliefs. And for the longest time, I was happy enough just living in that world and accepting it all the way it was. But I feel like now that he gave me the car, I'm obligated to make some sort of...extra effort to make it all work. Thing is, that's not going to happen; and I'll tell ya why:
1. He's in Ma and I'm not
2. He's not making ANY effort to make things better
And 3? There's absolutely nothing more I can do to try and make my relationship with my father any better unless I lie about everything including my goals, college plans, career ideas, beliefs, my personality, thoughts, feelings, and everything else inside of my life. And let me tell ya. THAT just ain't gonna happen. Know why? Because I am who I am and I don't have any reason to change unless I want to. I'm not going to conform to someone that's the complete opposite of who I am just to please them; even if it is my own father. They say that if someone truly loves you they'll accept you for who you really are. And that's true.I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. And that's truth. It's been the law of my life for quite a bit now.
I know that people say there's no use complaining about something if you're not going to change it. Truth is, I've tried to fix it; time and time again. I figure if it really meant that much to him, he'd opt to get to know who I really am and, (love it or hate it), accept me for it and respect me.
All he ever does is tell me what to do, think and say. Come to think about it, that's all I ever remember him doing in my life. I'm not a little girl. I don't need to be told what to do, think, and say. I can do that all for myself. I'm not a child anymore(although I guess he did miss that portion of my life since he left). I'm somewhere caught between a girl and a woman and no one seems to realize that. Everyone treats me as a child or as an adult. Although I'm 18 years old, I've still got a lot of growing up to do; emotionally and spiritually. Why does no one get that? People label me and push me and kick me. Whether they realize it or not, they do. In fact, I'll write another blog listing all the things I label myself as.
I guess the reason I've been thinking about it more lately, is because it seems like everywhere I look is a reminder of that relationship that I never had. I know this sounds like a dumb example, but when I was watching New Moon last night, just the way that Charlie worried so much when Bella went missing and was in her depression phase; the way he actually held her and told her that he loved. Especially when she needed to hear it most. He even offered to stay home from his fishing trip with Harry.
Examples two and three were found in the darkest places I never thought I'd be a part of - the Hannah Montana show and Cadet Kelly with Hilary Duff. The close relationship that Miley and her dad have? The fact that Kelly and her dad actually have a "life line" and know when each other are in trouble? Even that she had the opportunity to save his life, to worry about him. Nothing like that ever existed in my world; nothing even remotely close.
I feel like it's getting worse with age. Right now I'm supposed to be working on my PE Log for school. I mean, my relationship with my father has NEVER affected my academics before. Having nothing to do with my father has always been the ideal, so it never had to affect me before. But I feel like this past week has been so emotional, but at the same time so emotionless. I feel like I've become numb to every emotional I have but still have every one of them at the front of my brain. It's like, I can't win. I don't get it.
Nothing ever weighed on me this much since college/moving out. I don't know what to do. I mean, it's not like I haven't tried. But I feel like if I'd tried hard enough I would've fixed it by now and I wouldn't be in this predicament. My father and I are two completely different people. I've tried everything I can think of. The sad thing is, he thinks we haven= this great relationship going on and everything is peachy, especially since he gave me his car.
But that's not the case. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. I've always been able to accept that the relationship my father and I have is about as good as it'd ever get as long as I wasn't honest with him about anything that involved my life goals, career ideas, or beliefs. And for the longest time, I was happy enough just living in that world and accepting it all the way it was. But I feel like now that he gave me the car, I'm obligated to make some sort of...extra effort to make it all work. Thing is, that's not going to happen; and I'll tell ya why:
1. He's in Ma and I'm not
2. He's not making ANY effort to make things better
And 3? There's absolutely nothing more I can do to try and make my relationship with my father any better unless I lie about everything including my goals, college plans, career ideas, beliefs, my personality, thoughts, feelings, and everything else inside of my life. And let me tell ya. THAT just ain't gonna happen. Know why? Because I am who I am and I don't have any reason to change unless I want to. I'm not going to conform to someone that's the complete opposite of who I am just to please them; even if it is my own father. They say that if someone truly loves you they'll accept you for who you really are. And that's true.I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. And that's truth. It's been the law of my life for quite a bit now.
I know that people say there's no use complaining about something if you're not going to change it. Truth is, I've tried to fix it; time and time again. I figure if it really meant that much to him, he'd opt to get to know who I really am and, (love it or hate it), accept me for it and respect me.
All he ever does is tell me what to do, think and say. Come to think about it, that's all I ever remember him doing in my life. I'm not a little girl. I don't need to be told what to do, think, and say. I can do that all for myself. I'm not a child anymore(although I guess he did miss that portion of my life since he left). I'm somewhere caught between a girl and a woman and no one seems to realize that. Everyone treats me as a child or as an adult. Although I'm 18 years old, I've still got a lot of growing up to do; emotionally and spiritually. Why does no one get that? People label me and push me and kick me. Whether they realize it or not, they do. In fact, I'll write another blog listing all the things I label myself as.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Worth the Silence
I have so much I wanna tell you. Honestly? There's so much inside my head that needs to be said but doesn't want to be said. The truth is, I don't know. I don't know ANYTHING. I wish I did but I don't. And you're just gonna have to be okay with that. Nothing means anything to me. Not anymore. I'd also like to say that I don't wanna tell you. I don't. I'm not gonna lie. I just don't. It's been a long hard road, but you've gotta understand that I'm a safe, a vault. And even in time you may not break me or get me to open up. And I know that if you have things to tell people, you should tell them because you may not have the chance to tell them tomorrow, but still. I want to be able to speak my mind. I really wish I could, but the thoughts I keep inside are the horrible ones that cause pain or anger to you. Even writing it in a letter wouldn't do. It's like a monologue in my head day after day, minute after minute. It's not gone until you put it out there, tell your audience and voice it with real emotion to the person who you most need to express it to and make them understand. I'll admit I've been being fake, because I have been. But only to protect you, and our relationship. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the silence...
Sunday, April 11, 2010
April 10, 1998
Dear Mom,
It happened. Yesterday. As it does every year that passes without you. I tried. I tried so hard. But nothing could keep me from the obvious truth. You're gone.
I know it's been 12 years, but it feels like just yesterday... It hurts. I feel my stomach twist itself inside out and I feel like someone's just reaching down my throat and squeezing my heart while trying to punch it through my chest. There's really nothing I can do about the pain. Or the feeling. It comes and goes, but when it comes, it stays. For what seems like centuries. And that, all in itself, tears me apart.
I try to be strong because I know that's what you'd want me to be. You always were. I can't think of anyone as strong as you. You always seemed so calm and had this "I can handle anything life throws at me" attitude. I guess that's something I didn't inherit genetically...if at all. Every day that goes by, I wish I had more time. More time to spend with you. To know you and learn more about you and from you. You were always supportive. Never brought up past mistakes. Only looked toward the future and knew you could conquer the present.
How did you do it? I'll never understand. I take a look at my life and realize that, it's nothing compared to what I could've already had accomplished by this time. I feel so minor, so...insignificant. Like everything I've ever done is insignificant. How is it that you accomplished all you did? And aside from that, keep your sanity?
I miss you Mom. I wish you were here. Even when I couldn't see my hopes and dreams because I thought they were too far fetched, you believed. You believed in them, in me, and that combining me and them would change the world. How is it that you could always see what I couldn't? How is it that no matter how tightly you're tucked away in my heart, that you always feel so far away?
I don't want to cry but I don't want to forget you. Maybe sometime I can look back on April 10th, 1998 and smile. Just because you left me your memory, and even though you're gone, You're not forgotten. I love you Mom. I always will.
Your Little Angel,
Ebby<3
It happened. Yesterday. As it does every year that passes without you. I tried. I tried so hard. But nothing could keep me from the obvious truth. You're gone.
I know it's been 12 years, but it feels like just yesterday... It hurts. I feel my stomach twist itself inside out and I feel like someone's just reaching down my throat and squeezing my heart while trying to punch it through my chest. There's really nothing I can do about the pain. Or the feeling. It comes and goes, but when it comes, it stays. For what seems like centuries. And that, all in itself, tears me apart.
I try to be strong because I know that's what you'd want me to be. You always were. I can't think of anyone as strong as you. You always seemed so calm and had this "I can handle anything life throws at me" attitude. I guess that's something I didn't inherit genetically...if at all. Every day that goes by, I wish I had more time. More time to spend with you. To know you and learn more about you and from you. You were always supportive. Never brought up past mistakes. Only looked toward the future and knew you could conquer the present.
How did you do it? I'll never understand. I take a look at my life and realize that, it's nothing compared to what I could've already had accomplished by this time. I feel so minor, so...insignificant. Like everything I've ever done is insignificant. How is it that you accomplished all you did? And aside from that, keep your sanity?
I miss you Mom. I wish you were here. Even when I couldn't see my hopes and dreams because I thought they were too far fetched, you believed. You believed in them, in me, and that combining me and them would change the world. How is it that you could always see what I couldn't? How is it that no matter how tightly you're tucked away in my heart, that you always feel so far away?
I don't want to cry but I don't want to forget you. Maybe sometime I can look back on April 10th, 1998 and smile. Just because you left me your memory, and even though you're gone, You're not forgotten. I love you Mom. I always will.
Your Little Angel,
Ebby<3
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Dear Diary..
Dear Diary,
Every day turns into a deeper experience. He's funny, fun, sweet, and in his own little way, cute. His personality is one like no other. I never thought I'd fall for him...rephrase. I'm not falling yet, but it's almost like he's got me under a spell. I can't not talk to him. He has been the most amazing friend to me through all of life and it's attachments. He's so...adorable. Haha I mean, just the way that every time we talk he mentions going to lunch or seeing a movie, but neither of us wanna actually come out and say "date." It's cute though.
In a way, I think that if we were to date, our friendship wouldn't change. And honestly? I'm ok with that. We're really close and he gets me and a lot of what I'm going through. I think he'll be good for me and, I think I'll be good for him too. I told myself I wasn't dating for a while after the whole Chris ordeal. I also said I'd stay away from Chris' and that I wouldn't date anyone younger than me..He's older and not a Chris. It seems ok to me. I've gotten the opinion of a few people that I trust. One said to stay friends because he's..him. One said that he could actually see it working out. And another said she thinks we'd be good for each other. The only problem with the first one is that...I like him because he's him. I wouldn't like him for any other reason.
Dear Diary,
He's got me.
Every day turns into a deeper experience. He's funny, fun, sweet, and in his own little way, cute. His personality is one like no other. I never thought I'd fall for him...rephrase. I'm not falling yet, but it's almost like he's got me under a spell. I can't not talk to him. He has been the most amazing friend to me through all of life and it's attachments. He's so...adorable. Haha I mean, just the way that every time we talk he mentions going to lunch or seeing a movie, but neither of us wanna actually come out and say "date." It's cute though.
In a way, I think that if we were to date, our friendship wouldn't change. And honestly? I'm ok with that. We're really close and he gets me and a lot of what I'm going through. I think he'll be good for me and, I think I'll be good for him too. I told myself I wasn't dating for a while after the whole Chris ordeal. I also said I'd stay away from Chris' and that I wouldn't date anyone younger than me..He's older and not a Chris. It seems ok to me. I've gotten the opinion of a few people that I trust. One said to stay friends because he's..him. One said that he could actually see it working out. And another said she thinks we'd be good for each other. The only problem with the first one is that...I like him because he's him. I wouldn't like him for any other reason.
Dear Diary,
He's got me.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Important
Dear Mom,
Everyone has someone important that they write to when things happen in their lives. I guess you're that important person for me even though you're gone. I know you've seen me lately. I've been moody and depressed. My mood swings have drastically increased...it's like I'm not myself anymore. I'm definitely not the little girl you knew and loved. Despite everything going on, today was okay. It was...better. I found myself..actually..happy. I feel like, when I'm with him...I'm..I can be me. Even being near him just gives me some type of ability to deal with whatever's going on around me.
I laughed today. I laughed, and it was genuine, it was..real. It's like, when he's around...it's almost like...he can give me hope. Just a smile and I can find something within me that gives me the motivation to just smile and make it through the day. Even when we text..it's like..he knows how to make me smile. He knows exactly what I need to hear.
The only problem is, when he's not around and we're not texting, it's like...I'm so alone. Everything drops to a hopeless level of despair and I start focusing on the depth of the black hole in my life..in my heart and what it's replaced..what's supposed to be there. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to confront it. I mean, I feel like I've been on so many medications over the years for everything except the real problems, the real issues that are going on inside.
I wish you were still here. I wish you could meet everyone. I wish you could meet him. I miss you. I miss feeling loved and...wanted. I miss having you here to share my secrets. Especially now that I've got real secrets to tell.You're the only one I could ever be honest with..even though I was so young, you always..you were there. The smallest little confession and..and, you never judged me or condemned me for it. I've got so much to tell you now. I wish you didn't have to watch me grow up from such a distance. I really need you right now. I love you.
<3Ebby
Everyone has someone important that they write to when things happen in their lives. I guess you're that important person for me even though you're gone. I know you've seen me lately. I've been moody and depressed. My mood swings have drastically increased...it's like I'm not myself anymore. I'm definitely not the little girl you knew and loved. Despite everything going on, today was okay. It was...better. I found myself..actually..happy. I feel like, when I'm with him...I'm..I can be me. Even being near him just gives me some type of ability to deal with whatever's going on around me.
I laughed today. I laughed, and it was genuine, it was..real. It's like, when he's around...it's almost like...he can give me hope. Just a smile and I can find something within me that gives me the motivation to just smile and make it through the day. Even when we text..it's like..he knows how to make me smile. He knows exactly what I need to hear.
The only problem is, when he's not around and we're not texting, it's like...I'm so alone. Everything drops to a hopeless level of despair and I start focusing on the depth of the black hole in my life..in my heart and what it's replaced..what's supposed to be there. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to confront it. I mean, I feel like I've been on so many medications over the years for everything except the real problems, the real issues that are going on inside.
I wish you were still here. I wish you could meet everyone. I wish you could meet him. I miss you. I miss feeling loved and...wanted. I miss having you here to share my secrets. Especially now that I've got real secrets to tell.You're the only one I could ever be honest with..even though I was so young, you always..you were there. The smallest little confession and..and, you never judged me or condemned me for it. I've got so much to tell you now. I wish you didn't have to watch me grow up from such a distance. I really need you right now. I love you.
<3Ebby
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