Today, for the first time ever, I cried on my dad's shoulder. This is the first time he's ever seen me cry. I'm 17 years old.
All day today I've just been feeling pretty shitty and completely out of order. I went to the farmshow with my sister and niece and we had a good time for the most part but something inside of me was off all day. About 45 minutes after we got back to my mom's, my dad swung by on his way home from work to pick me up and bring me back home. We didn't say a whole lot and my mood was still kinda in a bad place. When we got home, I went straight upstairs to my rom. My dad knows the drill. He knows that if I'm in a bad mood and I go to my room, leave me be or at least don't like, bug me. I ended up leaving the door open when I got to the top of the steps because I had no more energy.
I laid down on my bed, kicked off my shoes, and laid with my soft, comfy body pillow. A few minutes later, my dad texts me to ask if I want hot chocolate. I told him sure. About two minutes later he brought it up and left it on my table. He asked if I wanted the lights out, I said no, and that was that. Short, sweet, to the point. He has no idea how much I appreciated that. Especially since about a minute after he left my room I started bawling my eyes out. Why? I have no idea.
All day I'd been feeling like I was going to cry and there it finally was. A million tears being soaked up into my body pillow that seemed to be flowing nonstop. About five minutes later, I finally stopped crying and decided to sit up. As soon as I decided to sit up, my dad decided to play a song through the downstairs surround-sound loud speaker system. He was playing a new song that we had practiced at worship practice this past week that had hit me really hard. No sooner than I sat up, did the tears start flowing again.
After the second verse, I composed myself enough to stop crying. It was at that point that I texted my dad and said "I need a hug". He always says "If you ever need a hug, just let me know". I've never been able to just humble myself and say "Dad, I really need a hug right now." until today. In a few seconds, he was up the stairs and turning into my room. He sat next to me on my bed and hugged me. I let a few more tears slide because I couldn't help it and I figured I still had tears in my eyes that he'd already seen upon walking in. This was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. May I remind you, I'm 17 years old. I just sat there with my dad. Just sat there. For a few minutes. He asked what was wrong and I answered as truthfully as I could. I told him I had no idea why I was crying or what was wrong with me. Luckily for me, he's one of those parents that's actually ok with that answer.
We sat and talked for a little while until finally he went downstairs to let me know what we had to eat. I don't think anyone will ever understand how much I love my dad. I'm not even sure if he'll ever understand how much I love him. He has got to be the best dad in the world. I think I took a HUGE step to letting him in today. At least for me it was. I don't cry in front of people. I think like two of my friends have seen me cry and my mom and one sister. I'm so grateful to have such an amazing dad. I appreciate him so much and I hope to be able to let him in more and more so that he might actually be able to understand more than just a small piece of me and who I am.I love you daddy, thank you<3
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Anger, Angels, and Little Girls
I feel like I should be saying so much, but I hold back. It's harder to spew words than to control what comes out of my mouth these days. Today, my dad, for the first time ever, yelled at me. Not so much at me I guess, but whatever's inside of me, but still me. The little girl inside of me wanted to cry, the anger inside of me wanted to scream and curse, and the angel in me felt guilty and wanted to vomit(still does want to vomit). What I felt guilty for, I'm still not completely sure.
I think I wanted to feel guilty for forcing him to experience my hellish mood and partial temper. I wanted to scream because I was already pissed off and I felt like it was almost the cherry on top of a horrendous day. I wanted to cry not only because "my daddy was yelling at me" but also because I felt guilty and because there was so much bottled inside that it's all I could think about managing. In the midst of all this, all I managed was speechlessness and a few tears.
We drove for a minute or two in silence. Music off, lips closed, and eyes focused on the road. We stopped for gas and after that the floor was opened. He told me I should try and work on my attitude towards things and continued talking, then stopped. We drove in silence for a few moments as I was trying to gather how to speak again. I ended up confessing one of the many internal problems I've been dealing with and trying to fix. As much as I didn't want to talk about any of it because I'm not certain of most of it, I figured it was the only way to leave things on a decent term for when I went back home.
When we finally pulled up to my mom's house I looked him in the eye for the first time throughout the whole ride and that's only because he told me to. He said I love you" and that was pretty much it. I had so much I wanted to say to that simple little phrase, so many questions to ask. A little three word statement that can mean so much and so little at the same time. Nonetheless, I said nothing and told him I loved him too and got out of the car.
Still to this moment, I've got a headache and I still feel like I'm going to vomit(although I already have). There's so much I've left unsaid and so many questions that are left unanswered and unasked. Where am I? What to say. What to do.
I think I wanted to feel guilty for forcing him to experience my hellish mood and partial temper. I wanted to scream because I was already pissed off and I felt like it was almost the cherry on top of a horrendous day. I wanted to cry not only because "my daddy was yelling at me" but also because I felt guilty and because there was so much bottled inside that it's all I could think about managing. In the midst of all this, all I managed was speechlessness and a few tears.
We drove for a minute or two in silence. Music off, lips closed, and eyes focused on the road. We stopped for gas and after that the floor was opened. He told me I should try and work on my attitude towards things and continued talking, then stopped. We drove in silence for a few moments as I was trying to gather how to speak again. I ended up confessing one of the many internal problems I've been dealing with and trying to fix. As much as I didn't want to talk about any of it because I'm not certain of most of it, I figured it was the only way to leave things on a decent term for when I went back home.
When we finally pulled up to my mom's house I looked him in the eye for the first time throughout the whole ride and that's only because he told me to. He said I love you" and that was pretty much it. I had so much I wanted to say to that simple little phrase, so many questions to ask. A little three word statement that can mean so much and so little at the same time. Nonetheless, I said nothing and told him I loved him too and got out of the car.
Still to this moment, I've got a headache and I still feel like I'm going to vomit(although I already have). There's so much I've left unsaid and so many questions that are left unanswered and unasked. Where am I? What to say. What to do.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thinking
Lately I've been thinking. And here it all is:
1. No matter what I do I continue thinking about us and what we used to be. But you know what? You say you don't hate me, but you won't even talk to me. I hope you can't sleep and you cry and scream about it. I hope you have nightmares about it. I hope it kills you a little inside every day like it does to me. I hope you can't breathe without me and it eats you alive! I hope you feel the pain that I do. Every minute of every day. There's nothing left to be. You've gotten closure, but you left me with the open wound. I'm tired of being the only one that's hurt. Just wait. One day you'll get it. You'll realize what you lost and you'll want me back. But don't expect me to be waiting. I don't need you. And I don't even want you anymore if this is the asshole you're going to be. Leave and leave me be.
2. I don't know what I believe anymore. Everything is fake now. Nothing's real. Nothing's ever BEEN real except this nightmare I call life that I've been living. I guess my sister is starting to rub off on me because she says if God loved me, why would he put me through this? Why doesn't he listen and answer my prayers? How is that this amazing big God in the sky can see my suffering and not take my hand and lead me. Do you hate me? Is that it? I've trusted you so much and what have I gotten? What have I earned? What's been fixed? All I've been left with is tears and sleepless nights. Drama and fake friends. Alone and constantly under a dark cloud. Where's my hero? Where are you? Are you even there?
3. I just can't do this anymore. My entire life is bipolar right now. One minute everything is fine and the next my world is crushed and I'm being yelled and screamed at over some tiny stupid little thing. How do you people live with yourselves? With the pain you cause? The words you say. Every time something goes wrong, it's me. It's always me! Why doesn't anyone take responsibility for anything?! I'm tired of being blamed of being sick and nauseous and completely in a mental breakdown over this shit. What the hell have I done to deserve this? I'm a fucking teenager! What the hell do you expect from me??
4. Who the hell am I? Why the hell am I here? Look at my life. Look at where I am. What have I accomplished? What have I done? I used to think I knew who I was. So many people say that they know me. They know who I am and how I am. How is that possible? I don't even know! Why do you constantly lie to me and try to create someone I'm NOT? Every time I turn around someone is spreading a rumor or telling a story that they've composed and they tell people that's me and who I am when it's not. I don't know who I am, but I can tell you who I'm not. I'm not a slut or a whore. I don't sleep around town. I'm not the person to mess with. I'm not the perfect patsy. I'm not the little girl I used to be. I'm not an attention-whore, I'm just looking to find who I am. I'm not a popular snob who dates the guy on the football team and sleeps with him just to keep him from breaking up with me. I'm not the girl who cries when I break a nail. I'm not the strongest but I' m definitely not weak.
1. No matter what I do I continue thinking about us and what we used to be. But you know what? You say you don't hate me, but you won't even talk to me. I hope you can't sleep and you cry and scream about it. I hope you have nightmares about it. I hope it kills you a little inside every day like it does to me. I hope you can't breathe without me and it eats you alive! I hope you feel the pain that I do. Every minute of every day. There's nothing left to be. You've gotten closure, but you left me with the open wound. I'm tired of being the only one that's hurt. Just wait. One day you'll get it. You'll realize what you lost and you'll want me back. But don't expect me to be waiting. I don't need you. And I don't even want you anymore if this is the asshole you're going to be. Leave and leave me be.
2. I don't know what I believe anymore. Everything is fake now. Nothing's real. Nothing's ever BEEN real except this nightmare I call life that I've been living. I guess my sister is starting to rub off on me because she says if God loved me, why would he put me through this? Why doesn't he listen and answer my prayers? How is that this amazing big God in the sky can see my suffering and not take my hand and lead me. Do you hate me? Is that it? I've trusted you so much and what have I gotten? What have I earned? What's been fixed? All I've been left with is tears and sleepless nights. Drama and fake friends. Alone and constantly under a dark cloud. Where's my hero? Where are you? Are you even there?
3. I just can't do this anymore. My entire life is bipolar right now. One minute everything is fine and the next my world is crushed and I'm being yelled and screamed at over some tiny stupid little thing. How do you people live with yourselves? With the pain you cause? The words you say. Every time something goes wrong, it's me. It's always me! Why doesn't anyone take responsibility for anything?! I'm tired of being blamed of being sick and nauseous and completely in a mental breakdown over this shit. What the hell have I done to deserve this? I'm a fucking teenager! What the hell do you expect from me??
4. Who the hell am I? Why the hell am I here? Look at my life. Look at where I am. What have I accomplished? What have I done? I used to think I knew who I was. So many people say that they know me. They know who I am and how I am. How is that possible? I don't even know! Why do you constantly lie to me and try to create someone I'm NOT? Every time I turn around someone is spreading a rumor or telling a story that they've composed and they tell people that's me and who I am when it's not. I don't know who I am, but I can tell you who I'm not. I'm not a slut or a whore. I don't sleep around town. I'm not the person to mess with. I'm not the perfect patsy. I'm not the little girl I used to be. I'm not an attention-whore, I'm just looking to find who I am. I'm not a popular snob who dates the guy on the football team and sleeps with him just to keep him from breaking up with me. I'm not the girl who cries when I break a nail. I'm not the strongest but I' m definitely not weak.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
To You
It's late. After midnight. And here I lay. It's been a little over a week and I can't stop thinking about you. Every ounce of me wants you back and everything inside of me misses you like crazy. I told you I didn't want you to have to hurt anymore. In some way, I'm hoping that you realize it hurts more to be without me altogether than to have to wait a week to see me. I really care about you and I want what's best for you. But at the same time as all of this, if you wanted me back, I'm not sure if I could say yes. Who's to say that anything would change? It almost felt like I was pulling every string possible to see you, but you weren't budging. I mean, on days that we could've hung out, or said we'd try to, you slept all day or never asked your parents if we could hang. When we split, yea, I was upset. I cried, over you. I've never cried over a boyfriend before in my entire life.
I don't know what to think anymore. I guess I was stupid for thinking that you were different than the rest. For thinking that you actually cared. Sometimes I wonder if you wanna talk to me now, you just don't want to text me first. We agreed we'd stay friends, and if you wanted to get back together, there's a good chance I'd say yes. But it'd because for once in my life I'm choosing to see your imperfections, perfectly. I may not have gotten to see you as often as I'd liked to of, but I was just fine knowing you were mine and that for that ten minutes a week, I would be in your arms. No matter what. And that I'd have at least one good day a week knowing that I'd see you at the end of the day to end it amazingly. But I guess caring isn't enough these days. I hope I pulled a lever in your brain that makes you realize how much I really do care for you and that I'm not like the other girls who just say yes to say that they have a boyfriend only to dump you off for the next hunk of meat they see. No. I'm real. And if you even wanna think about getting back with me, you better get real too. I'm lookin for somethin serious and if you aren't serious about me, than I'm glad we split. I just wish you would let me know what's on your mind and how you feel about me so I might know where to start.
I don't know what to think anymore. I guess I was stupid for thinking that you were different than the rest. For thinking that you actually cared. Sometimes I wonder if you wanna talk to me now, you just don't want to text me first. We agreed we'd stay friends, and if you wanted to get back together, there's a good chance I'd say yes. But it'd because for once in my life I'm choosing to see your imperfections, perfectly. I may not have gotten to see you as often as I'd liked to of, but I was just fine knowing you were mine and that for that ten minutes a week, I would be in your arms. No matter what. And that I'd have at least one good day a week knowing that I'd see you at the end of the day to end it amazingly. But I guess caring isn't enough these days. I hope I pulled a lever in your brain that makes you realize how much I really do care for you and that I'm not like the other girls who just say yes to say that they have a boyfriend only to dump you off for the next hunk of meat they see. No. I'm real. And if you even wanna think about getting back with me, you better get real too. I'm lookin for somethin serious and if you aren't serious about me, than I'm glad we split. I just wish you would let me know what's on your mind and how you feel about me so I might know where to start.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Memories of Us
Memories flood my head
Flowing into my mind
Like a tidal wave
Of happiness
That we've shared
For what seems like
Years but has
Only been months
And weeks
The memory of our
First date and first
Kiss that
Almost bring
Me to tears when
I think about them
We'll go far and
Grow stronger with
Each passing day
We create
We remember
What we call
Memories
Of us.
Flowing into my mind
Like a tidal wave
Of happiness
That we've shared
For what seems like
Years but has
Only been months
And weeks
The memory of our
First date and first
Kiss that
Almost bring
Me to tears when
I think about them
We'll go far and
Grow stronger with
Each passing day
We create
We remember
What we call
Memories
Of us.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Date Night
It wasn't that I was
Generally scared
I was only scared
Of losing you
Someone so important
To me and so loved
Even so
My hand found yours
Through the
Dark of the movie theatre
And neither of us
Realized how tightly
We were holding
On until we released
Our hands from
Being intertwined
As one
When it was over
You disappeared and I
Found you outside
Proud of you for
Breaking a habit that
Everyone else seemed
To have picked up
A horn
Beeps
You shake two hands and
Turn
To me
Arms outstretched and
I wrap my arms around your
Neck as you kiss my
Cheek and then my neck in
A line of three little
Points
Neither of us are
Willing to let go but
We do as our hands drop
Almost like a
Slow motion scene
And we both walk away
Regretting that a part of
Us has to go and that we
Left so many words
Unsaid.
Generally scared
I was only scared
Of losing you
Someone so important
To me and so loved
Even so
My hand found yours
Through the
Dark of the movie theatre
And neither of us
Realized how tightly
We were holding
On until we released
Our hands from
Being intertwined
As one
When it was over
You disappeared and I
Found you outside
Proud of you for
Breaking a habit that
Everyone else seemed
To have picked up
A horn
Beeps
You shake two hands and
Turn
To me
Arms outstretched and
I wrap my arms around your
Neck as you kiss my
Cheek and then my neck in
A line of three little
Points
Neither of us are
Willing to let go but
We do as our hands drop
Almost like a
Slow motion scene
And we both walk away
Regretting that a part of
Us has to go and that we
Left so many words
Unsaid.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Finally Defining Love
A few days ago, I was reflecting on some deep things in my relationship with a close friend. I had told him that every time Chris and I kiss or I think about our kisses, I get butterflies. I then proceeded to ask him what this meant and if it was a good thing. He told me that it means I'm doing it right and that maybe Chris thinks about kissing me for a little bit before he actually does because he wants it be sincere. The butterflies, I was also told, meant that there's more than just flesh in the transaction and that the souls are reaching out to one another.
I responded to this by telling my friend that I don't think I love him yet, which is where I am at. His response to that has been in my mind every day since he said it. Just two simple words: "Define love". And that's all there was. I thought on his reply for a few moments, knowing that love is not as clearly defined as we all think. The dictionary I used defined love as this:
Love: 1. Any object of warm affection or devotion
2. A strong positive emotion of regard and affection
3. A beloved person; used as terms of endearment
4. Have a great affection or liking for
5. To be enamored or in love with
Yet the Bible defines love as this(1 Cor. 13:1-8; 13):
Love: 1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I ended up responding with this: "I love him as my boyfriend and I love him as a friend, but I don't think I'm ready to say 'I love you' yet and I don't think he is either."
Ever since, I can't stop thinking about that two-word question: define love. And I started realizing that love isn't just one specific characteristic or trait. Love is many different things and everyone has their own meaning, their own definition of "love". So I started thinking, what's mine? What is it that makes me say that I'm "in love" or that I love someone. What is it that provokes me to say the words "I love you" with such a passion and meaning behind them. And here's what I came up with:
That's right. Nothing. You wanna know why? Because love is undefinable. Love is indescribable, and love is what you make it. Love is the "greatest of these." You can't buy love, nor put a price on it, nor define it, nor begin to find it's depths. Love is feeling boundless within your own boundries. It's feeling free to express yourself. But most of all, love is yours. No one can take it from you, but anyone can show it to you. And just the same, you can show love to anyone. Finding love isn't the end of the journey; it's just the beginning.
I responded to this by telling my friend that I don't think I love him yet, which is where I am at. His response to that has been in my mind every day since he said it. Just two simple words: "Define love". And that's all there was. I thought on his reply for a few moments, knowing that love is not as clearly defined as we all think. The dictionary I used defined love as this:
Love: 1. Any object of warm affection or devotion
2. A strong positive emotion of regard and affection
3. A beloved person; used as terms of endearment
4. Have a great affection or liking for
5. To be enamored or in love with
Yet the Bible defines love as this(1 Cor. 13:1-8; 13):
Love: 1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I ended up responding with this: "I love him as my boyfriend and I love him as a friend, but I don't think I'm ready to say 'I love you' yet and I don't think he is either."
Ever since, I can't stop thinking about that two-word question: define love. And I started realizing that love isn't just one specific characteristic or trait. Love is many different things and everyone has their own meaning, their own definition of "love". So I started thinking, what's mine? What is it that makes me say that I'm "in love" or that I love someone. What is it that provokes me to say the words "I love you" with such a passion and meaning behind them. And here's what I came up with:
That's right. Nothing. You wanna know why? Because love is undefinable. Love is indescribable, and love is what you make it. Love is the "greatest of these." You can't buy love, nor put a price on it, nor define it, nor begin to find it's depths. Love is feeling boundless within your own boundries. It's feeling free to express yourself. But most of all, love is yours. No one can take it from you, but anyone can show it to you. And just the same, you can show love to anyone. Finding love isn't the end of the journey; it's just the beginning.
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