To You

It's late. After midnight. And here I lay. It's been a little over a week and I can't stop thinking about you. Every ounce of me wants you back and everything inside of me misses you like crazy. I told you I didn't want you to have to hurt anymore. In some way, I'm hoping that you realize it hurts more to be without me altogether than to have to wait a week to see me. I really care about you and I want what's best for you. But at the same time as all of this, if you wanted me back, I'm not sure if I could say yes. Who's to say that anything would change? It almost felt like I was pulling every string possible to see you, but you weren't budging. I mean, on days that we could've hung out, or said we'd try to, you slept all day or never asked your parents if we could hang. When we split, yea, I was upset. I cried, over you. I've never cried over a boyfriend before in my entire life.
I don't know what to think anymore. I guess I was stupid for thinking that you were different than the rest. For thinking that you actually cared. Sometimes I wonder if you wanna talk to me now, you just don't want to text me first. We agreed we'd stay friends, and if you wanted to get back together, there's a good chance I'd say yes. But it'd because for once in my life I'm choosing to see your imperfections, perfectly. I may not have gotten to see you as often as I'd liked to of, but I was just fine knowing you were mine and that for that ten minutes a week, I would be in your arms. No matter what. And that I'd have at least one good day a week knowing that I'd see you at the end of the day to end it amazingly. But I guess caring isn't enough these days. I hope I pulled a lever in your brain that makes you realize how much I really do care for you and that I'm not like the other girls who just say yes to say that they have a boyfriend only to dump you off for the next hunk of meat they see. No. I'm real. And if you even wanna think about getting back with me, you better get real too. I'm lookin for somethin serious and if you aren't serious about me, than I'm glad we split. I just wish you would let me know what's on your mind and how you feel about me so I might know where to start.

Memories of Us

Memories flood my head
Flowing into my mind
Like a tidal wave
Of happiness
That we've shared
For what seems like
Years but has
Only been months
And weeks
The memory of our
First date and first
Kiss that
Almost bring
Me to tears when
I think about them
We'll go far and
Grow stronger with
Each passing day
We create
We remember
What we call
Memories
Of us.

Date Night

It wasn't that I was
Generally scared
I was only scared
Of losing you
Someone so important
To me and so loved
Even so
My hand found yours
Through the
Dark of the movie theatre
And neither of us
Realized how tightly
We were holding
On until we released
Our hands from
Being intertwined
As one
When it was over
You disappeared and I
Found you outside
Proud of you for
Breaking a habit that
Everyone else seemed
To have picked up
A horn
Beeps
You shake two hands and
Turn
To me
Arms outstretched and
I wrap my arms around your
Neck as you kiss my
Cheek and then my neck in
A line of three little
Points
Neither of us are
Willing to let go but
We do as our hands drop
Almost like a
Slow motion scene
And we both walk away
Regretting that a part of
Us has to go and that we
Left so many words
Unsaid.

Finally Defining Love

A few days ago, I was reflecting on some deep things in my relationship with a close friend. I had told him that every time Chris and I kiss or I think about our kisses, I get butterflies. I then proceeded to ask him what this meant and if it was a good thing. He told me that it means I'm doing it right and that maybe Chris thinks about kissing me for a little bit before he actually does because he wants it be sincere. The butterflies, I was also told, meant that there's more than just flesh in the transaction and that the souls are reaching out to one another.
I responded to this by telling my friend that I don't think I love him yet, which is where I am at. His response to that has been in my mind every day since he said it. Just two simple words: "Define love". And that's all there was. I thought on his reply for a few moments, knowing that love is not as clearly defined as we all think. The dictionary I used defined love as this:

Love: 1. Any object of warm affection or devotion
2. A strong positive emotion of regard and affection
3. A beloved person; used as terms of endearment
4. Have a great affection or liking for
5. To be enamored or in love with


Yet the Bible defines love as this(1 Cor. 13:1-8; 13):
Love: 1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


I ended up responding with this: "I love him as my boyfriend and I love him as a friend, but I don't think I'm ready to say 'I love you' yet and I don't think he is either."
Ever since, I can't stop thinking about that two-word question: define love. And I started realizing that love isn't just one specific characteristic or trait. Love is many different things and everyone has their own meaning, their own definition of "love". So I started thinking, what's mine? What is it that makes me say that I'm "in love" or that I love someone. What is it that provokes me to say the words "I love you" with such a passion and meaning behind them. And here's what I came up with:









That's right. Nothing. You wanna know why? Because love is undefinable. Love is indescribable, and love is what you make it. Love is the "greatest of these." You can't buy love, nor put a price on it, nor define it, nor begin to find it's depths. Love is feeling boundless within your own boundries. It's feeling free to express yourself. But most of all, love is yours. No one can take it from you, but anyone can show it to you. And just the same, you can show love to anyone. Finding love isn't the end of the journey; it's just the beginning.

Now.

I'm sick of the love songs
I'm not feelin the upbeat ones either
I'm not feeling anything.
I know I care for you
But right now
Is a really bad time
And you should probably get used to it
Cuz this happens alot.
The mood swings
The ups n downs.
I feel it all the time.
Maybe if I were there
Or you were here
But who's to know.
Who's to care.

September

Today Chris and his father came to church. His dad seems kinda stern, but he liked me :) Which is a TOTAL bonus. After church, Mom, Dad, Jax, n I went for pho(Yummiful!). After that we all went back home for like an hour and then met at the Capital City for shopping time. Jacquie pulled every excuse in the book as why she was late, but when she finally showed up, Chris was with her(aka why she was late) which TOTALLY made my afternoon. Mom n Dad went their own way n Jax, Chris, n I went ours.
After mall time, Chris and I went back to Jacquie's with her and we all watched The Marriage Counselor(Which was amazing, btw). I was leaning on Chris' shoulder(my neck still hurts from that) and it was soo comfy. :)
Jacquie went into the kitchen to help her mom make dip for the chips(our fam recipe). During this time, the movie was still playing. Chris put his finger under my chin, lifted it up, leaned over me, and kissed me. Basically while this was going on, we were oblivious(obviously). He then leaned back and looked at me. It was at that point that Jax n her mom come parading in with the chips n dip, clearing their throats. Chris then continued to explain that he was stretching(which he was also doing...just across the front of me). They won't stop making fun of me now >_< ha.
After the movie was mostly over, we dropped Chris at home. We hugged for like, 15-20 minutes. He kissed me goodnight and put off going inside as long as possible. While texting earlier, we were contemplating sleepover ideas with his sister and Jacquie. We'll figure it out tomorrow... :)

Lyrics to a Song I Started

This is a song I started writing the other night. It just cam to me, so I started writing it down. I know the tune I want too. This is just kinda what I have so far. Need to finish the second verse and maybe do a third verse. Not sure yet. But let me know whatcha think!



VERSE 1

So much to say to you
Seems dreams are comin' true
But I need to know
If we'll ever grow

It's like the perfect scene
Playin' right in front of me
The stop button's callin my name
Or should I let it play?

CHORUS

It's like a, whirlpool or summer
Mixed with, a little bit of winter
You don't know what to say
You don't know where to start

And it's kinda like, you're goin' crazy
And, everything's so scattered
You're just confused
Don't know what to do

VERSE 2

You're heart is racin'
And, you're mind is pacin'
What's he gonna say
Should I lead the way?

BRIDGE

It's complicated
It's, messin' with your mind
Just tryna find out
If he's a guy of a different kind

Oh, oh, oh, ohh