Important

Dear Mom,
Everyone has someone important that they write to when things happen in their lives. I guess you're that important person for me even though you're gone. I know you've seen me lately. I've been moody and depressed. My mood swings have drastically increased...it's like I'm not myself anymore. I'm definitely not the little girl you knew and loved. Despite everything going on, today was okay. It was...better. I found myself..actually..happy. I feel like, when I'm with him...I'm..I can be me. Even being near him just gives me some type of ability to deal with whatever's going on around me.
I laughed today. I laughed, and it was genuine, it was..real. It's like, when he's around...it's almost like...he can give me hope. Just a smile and I can find something within me that gives me the motivation to just smile and make it through the day. Even when we text..it's like..he knows how to make me smile. He knows exactly what I need to hear.
The only problem is, when he's not around and we're not texting, it's like...I'm so alone. Everything drops to a hopeless level of despair and I start focusing on the depth of the black hole in my life..in my heart and what it's replaced..what's supposed to be there. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to confront it. I mean, I feel like I've been on so many medications over the years for everything except the real problems, the real issues that are going on inside.
I wish you were still here. I wish you could meet everyone. I wish you could meet him. I miss you. I miss feeling loved and...wanted. I miss having you here to share my secrets. Especially now that I've got real secrets to tell.You're the only one I could ever be honest with..even though I was so young, you always..you were there. The smallest little confession and..and, you never judged me or condemned me for it. I've got so much to tell you now. I wish you didn't have to watch me grow up from such a distance. I really need you right now. I love you.

<3Ebby

Pillowss, Muziq, and My Dad

Today, for the first time ever, I cried on my dad's shoulder. This is the first time he's ever seen me cry. I'm 17 years old.

All day today I've just been feeling pretty shitty and completely out of order. I went to the farmshow with my sister and niece and we had a good time for the most part but something inside of me was off all day. About 45 minutes after we got back to my mom's, my dad swung by on his way home from work to pick me up and bring me back home. We didn't say a whole lot and my mood was still kinda in a bad place. When we got home, I went straight upstairs to my rom. My dad knows the drill. He knows that if I'm in a bad mood and I go to my room, leave me be or at least don't like, bug me. I ended up leaving the door open when I got to the top of the steps because I had no more energy.

I laid down on my bed, kicked off my shoes, and laid with my soft, comfy body pillow. A few minutes later, my dad texts me to ask if I want hot chocolate. I told him sure. About two minutes later he brought it up and left it on my table. He asked if I wanted the lights out, I said no, and that was that. Short, sweet, to the point. He has no idea how much I appreciated that. Especially since about a minute after he left my room I started bawling my eyes out. Why? I have no idea.

All day I'd been feeling like I was going to cry and there it finally was. A million tears being soaked up into my body pillow that seemed to be flowing nonstop. About five minutes later, I finally stopped crying and decided to sit up. As soon as I decided to sit up, my dad decided to play a song through the downstairs surround-sound loud speaker system. He was playing a new song that we had practiced at worship practice this past week that had hit me really hard. No sooner than I sat up, did the tears start flowing again.

After the second verse, I composed myself enough to stop crying. It was at that point that I texted my dad and said "I need a hug". He always says "If you ever need a hug, just let me know". I've never been able to just humble myself and say "Dad, I really need a hug right now." until today. In a few seconds, he was up the stairs and turning into my room. He sat next to me on my bed and hugged me. I let a few more tears slide because I couldn't help it and I figured I still had tears in my eyes that he'd already seen upon walking in. This was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. May I remind you, I'm 17 years old. I just sat there with my dad. Just sat there. For a few minutes. He asked what was wrong and I answered as truthfully as I could. I told him I had no idea why I was crying or what was wrong with me. Luckily for me, he's one of those parents that's actually ok with that answer.

We sat and talked for a little while until finally he went downstairs to let me know what we had to eat. I don't think anyone will ever understand how much I love my dad. I'm not even sure if he'll ever understand how much I love him. He has got to be the best dad in the world. I think I took a HUGE step to letting him in today. At least for me it was. I don't cry in front of people. I think like two of my friends have seen me cry and my mom and one sister. I'm so grateful to have such an amazing dad. I appreciate him so much and I hope to be able to let him in more and more so that he might actually be able to understand more than just a small piece of me and who I am.I love you daddy, thank you<3

Anger, Angels, and Little Girls

I feel like I should be saying so much, but I hold back. It's harder to spew words than to control what comes out of my mouth these days. Today, my dad, for the first time ever, yelled at me. Not so much at me I guess, but whatever's inside of me, but still me. The little girl inside of me wanted to cry, the anger inside of me wanted to scream and curse, and the angel in me felt guilty and wanted to vomit(still does want to vomit). What I felt guilty for, I'm still not completely sure.

I think I wanted to feel guilty for forcing him to experience my hellish mood and partial temper. I wanted to scream because I was already pissed off and I felt like it was almost the cherry on top of a horrendous day. I wanted to cry not only because "my daddy was yelling at me" but also because I felt guilty and because there was so much bottled inside that it's all I could think about managing. In the midst of all this, all I managed was speechlessness and a few tears.

We drove for a minute or two in silence. Music off, lips closed, and eyes focused on the road. We stopped for gas and after that the floor was opened. He told me I should try and work on my attitude towards things and continued talking, then stopped. We drove in silence for a few moments as I was trying to gather how to speak again. I ended up confessing one of the many internal problems I've been dealing with and trying to fix. As much as I didn't want to talk about any of it because I'm not certain of most of it, I figured it was the only way to leave things on a decent term for when I went back home.

When we finally pulled up to my mom's house I looked him in the eye for the first time throughout the whole ride and that's only because he told me to. He said I love you" and that was pretty much it. I had so much I wanted to say to that simple little phrase, so many questions to ask. A little three word statement that can mean so much and so little at the same time. Nonetheless, I said nothing and told him I loved him too and got out of the car.

Still to this moment, I've got a headache and I still feel like I'm going to vomit(although I already have). There's so much I've left unsaid and so many questions that are left unanswered and unasked. Where am I? What to say. What to do.

Thinking

Lately I've been thinking. And here it all is:


1. No matter what I do I continue thinking about us and what we used to be. But you know what? You say you don't hate me, but you won't even talk to me. I hope you can't sleep and you cry and scream about it. I hope you have nightmares about it. I hope it kills you a little inside every day like it does to me. I hope you can't breathe without me and it eats you alive! I hope you feel the pain that I do. Every minute of every day. There's nothing left to be. You've gotten closure, but you left me with the open wound. I'm tired of being the only one that's hurt. Just wait. One day you'll get it. You'll realize what you lost and you'll want me back. But don't expect me to be waiting. I don't need you. And I don't even want you anymore if this is the asshole you're going to be. Leave and leave me be.


2. I don't know what I believe anymore. Everything is fake now. Nothing's real. Nothing's ever BEEN real except this nightmare I call life that I've been living. I guess my sister is starting to rub off on me because she says if God loved me, why would he put me through this? Why doesn't he listen and answer my prayers? How is that this amazing big God in the sky can see my suffering and not take my hand and lead me. Do you hate me? Is that it? I've trusted you so much and what have I gotten? What have I earned? What's been fixed? All I've been left with is tears and sleepless nights. Drama and fake friends. Alone and constantly under a dark cloud. Where's my hero? Where are you? Are you even there?


3. I just can't do this anymore. My entire life is bipolar right now. One minute everything is fine and the next my world is crushed and I'm being yelled and screamed at over some tiny stupid little thing. How do you people live with yourselves? With the pain you cause? The words you say. Every time something goes wrong, it's me. It's always me! Why doesn't anyone take responsibility for anything?! I'm tired of being blamed of being sick and nauseous and completely in a mental breakdown over this shit. What the hell have I done to deserve this? I'm a fucking teenager! What the hell do you expect from me??


4. Who the hell am I? Why the hell am I here? Look at my life. Look at where I am. What have I accomplished? What have I done? I used to think I knew who I was. So many people say that they know me. They know who I am and how I am. How is that possible? I don't even know! Why do you constantly lie to me and try to create someone I'm NOT? Every time I turn around someone is spreading a rumor or telling a story that they've composed and they tell people that's me and who I am when it's not. I don't know who I am, but I can tell you who I'm not. I'm not a slut or a whore. I don't sleep around town. I'm not the person to mess with. I'm not the perfect patsy. I'm not the little girl I used to be. I'm not an attention-whore, I'm just looking to find who I am. I'm not a popular snob who dates the guy on the football team and sleeps with him just to keep him from breaking up with me. I'm not the girl who cries when I break a nail. I'm not the strongest but I' m definitely not weak.

To You

It's late. After midnight. And here I lay. It's been a little over a week and I can't stop thinking about you. Every ounce of me wants you back and everything inside of me misses you like crazy. I told you I didn't want you to have to hurt anymore. In some way, I'm hoping that you realize it hurts more to be without me altogether than to have to wait a week to see me. I really care about you and I want what's best for you. But at the same time as all of this, if you wanted me back, I'm not sure if I could say yes. Who's to say that anything would change? It almost felt like I was pulling every string possible to see you, but you weren't budging. I mean, on days that we could've hung out, or said we'd try to, you slept all day or never asked your parents if we could hang. When we split, yea, I was upset. I cried, over you. I've never cried over a boyfriend before in my entire life.
I don't know what to think anymore. I guess I was stupid for thinking that you were different than the rest. For thinking that you actually cared. Sometimes I wonder if you wanna talk to me now, you just don't want to text me first. We agreed we'd stay friends, and if you wanted to get back together, there's a good chance I'd say yes. But it'd because for once in my life I'm choosing to see your imperfections, perfectly. I may not have gotten to see you as often as I'd liked to of, but I was just fine knowing you were mine and that for that ten minutes a week, I would be in your arms. No matter what. And that I'd have at least one good day a week knowing that I'd see you at the end of the day to end it amazingly. But I guess caring isn't enough these days. I hope I pulled a lever in your brain that makes you realize how much I really do care for you and that I'm not like the other girls who just say yes to say that they have a boyfriend only to dump you off for the next hunk of meat they see. No. I'm real. And if you even wanna think about getting back with me, you better get real too. I'm lookin for somethin serious and if you aren't serious about me, than I'm glad we split. I just wish you would let me know what's on your mind and how you feel about me so I might know where to start.

Memories of Us

Memories flood my head
Flowing into my mind
Like a tidal wave
Of happiness
That we've shared
For what seems like
Years but has
Only been months
And weeks
The memory of our
First date and first
Kiss that
Almost bring
Me to tears when
I think about them
We'll go far and
Grow stronger with
Each passing day
We create
We remember
What we call
Memories
Of us.

Date Night

It wasn't that I was
Generally scared
I was only scared
Of losing you
Someone so important
To me and so loved
Even so
My hand found yours
Through the
Dark of the movie theatre
And neither of us
Realized how tightly
We were holding
On until we released
Our hands from
Being intertwined
As one
When it was over
You disappeared and I
Found you outside
Proud of you for
Breaking a habit that
Everyone else seemed
To have picked up
A horn
Beeps
You shake two hands and
Turn
To me
Arms outstretched and
I wrap my arms around your
Neck as you kiss my
Cheek and then my neck in
A line of three little
Points
Neither of us are
Willing to let go but
We do as our hands drop
Almost like a
Slow motion scene
And we both walk away
Regretting that a part of
Us has to go and that we
Left so many words
Unsaid.