Now

I'm so angry. Everything around me is spinning and my thoughts won't shut up. I thought I'd never have to do this again. I thought it was over. I thought I had it under control. How is it that within 48 hours I haven't been able to calm down at all? This is ridiculous. I feel out of control. I feel nauseous and like someone's stabbing me in the side. I have a headache that won't let up and the pain just keeps getting worse. I got to a point where I almost broke down in tears today...now that I'm alone..kinda, I couldn't cry if I was run over by a stampede of elephants. Everything is mixed and jumbled and nowhere near sanity. Right now, I'm curled up in a ball with my head spinning and random black outs. I can't sleep, but I NEED to sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just be dead?

File Report

File Name: Progress
Operation: Black Hole
Person/Persons: Ebony J.
Objective: Kill Her


Ebony is running from death itself. In other words, she's running from herself. She's on foot in full sprint, but her past is in an 18-wheeler. She's weak. She's falling apart. Now is the time to attack. As her mind fades and her thoughts race we are already a step ahead. We have tapped into her brain and are sucking the life out of her bit by bit.

We got to her in the night. She was dreaming, a death-trap set by our professionals. We took the bottled anger from her shelf and let the black fumes loose in her blood stream & her muscles tensed for a moment. These fumes would then spread to her eyes, making them pitch black to her. This is part of a prgram that will lead her to disown herself because she doesn't recognize herself. We've also increased the power and frequency of her headaches and can now control them from HQ along with the speed of her thoughts.

Also, we've been able to fubar her contact center. We are in the process of drawing her away from communicating with others and turning her into a dispised loner. This program is going quite well and is making quick progress.

We've tapped her senses. Her temptations. We are proud to announce that we have successfully put her on a track back to who she used to be. The quality of our work is never compromised and is above any other comparison. We plan to slowly drain her of everything and everyone she knows and loves and eventually kill her , feeding the process on her own anger. Thank you for your time.

Run to You

I run to you
Because you make
Me feel
Safe
When all hope is
Gone
And I'm
Hanging
On
By a thread
You take
The knife
From my hand
And offer
Your hand
In exchange
You are
The only one I can
Run to where
The arms are open
Wide
And not folded with
Disappointment
And disgrace
You don't know how much
You mean to me
And how
Often
I feel like
A speck
And a child
Unable to
Stand on my
Own
When I run
To you

A Double Dose of Tears

Every night she holds her
And she just cries over her
Her little limp body so peaceful
So nieve
So unaware of weak her caretaker becomes
Every night once she's asleep

It's so hard to watch her cry
Because she knows wht it's like
To cry for something, someone
Who just isn't there
And to see the way that little girl breaks
Breaks her heart again and again

She lays her heaad on her shoulder
Only to shed tears behind her back
And she has no idea
What her caretakers tearss mean
Or why they've shown themselves
As she stops her crying to watch

She'll even wipe away her tears with her tiny fingers
After her own tears have been wiped away
But at the end of the day
After the crying has ceased
The young one can lay her head down
And sleep away the tears

But that's the difference between the two
She can sleep it off
And be fine in the morning
But I'm up all night
Crying
And my mourning,
And my morning,
Don't bring relief

Gone.

This will be my last blog post..or at least I'm hoping..or at least for a while. I find this all to be a pointless battle I'm fighting. People trying to replace me, copy me, act like me. Stop being a fucking printer and get a life because no matter how hard you try to act like me to replace me, it's not gonna happen. But I guess people are ok with you trying to replace me. And you know what? If you think you can do a better job at living my life, then go for it. You step right into my shoes and take a goddamn hike. But I'm done. I'm done trying to be what everyone fucking wants me to be. If you don't like me how I am than take a long walk, off a short bridge and don't forget to slit your throat on the way down. Fuck it. I'm done with the bullshit. You act all fuckin innocent so people won't know you're really a bitch beneath the surface. I'm gone. So fuck it, you, and everyone who caved into your little scheme. Done.

I Remember

I remember
The first night
Like it was yesterday
So clearly I'll never forget

I remember
The first game
You gave me a hug
And took my hand

I remember
The first outfit
A Michael Jackson shirt
And jeans to go with it

I remember
The first kiss
"No, I'm the lucky one"
Lips & a look that melted my core

I remember
The first meal
Cheesecake and mozzarella sticks
No strawberries for me, no cheese sticks for you

I remember
The first goodbye
Twenty minutes too short
And Dad, "Save some for later"

I remember
The first song
When you called me
And had the choir sing I'm Yours

I remember
The first outing
Went with the family
To all your comps and games

But mostly
I remember
The last goodbye
At the movie theatre
Theatre 8, 2012
Our hands holding on
Not realizing how tightly
But it was slow motion
When we let go
And that...
That was the last time I saw you
I remember

The Truth About Me

My belly is hurting. I'm angry about this..not about this, but I'm angry. I'm texting with Hayley who's at some market with her family. She's bored too. I wish I could be a real musician. Put everything together. I love how visual this music is. I'm listening to "Last Tango in Paris" by Gotan Project. Awesome stuff. I wanna travel. I just wanna go. Not even know where I'm going, but to just go. I wanna visit the spot, but I don't have a way there and back. I wanna do photgraphy, but it's kinda cold. I hate being alone. Relationship wise..and in general. I'm not eating again, but this time it's on purpose. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, but I do. Well I know why and it's starting to prove it's purpose. I look thinner today. My clothes are looser today. It's a good feeling, not gonna lie. I might be taking Jocelyn trick-or-treating with Kendra and Elena and the boys on Thursday. I've been thinking about Chris a lot lately. Ask me why and I couldn't tell you the answer. But I'm thinking about going to the Hanna game on Friday. Why? Because a part of me hopes that when he sees me he'll realize that he needs me back in his life. I've come to terms with a lot that's happened in my life, but that's still not one of them. I wanna do acting auditions. I wanna be an actress. But I'd love to learn more about photography too. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever truly be happy. No I won't. I'm a fat, ugly, blob. I want to have a baby. I want to get married. I want to have someone that cares for me. I want to be able to watch my children grow up. My heart hurts. I'm angry. There's so much I don't understand. I want what we had..I want it all back. My laptop's dying. I'm dying. I'm starving myself. I texted him back. I shouldn't have. I don't think anyone should ever know the things he's said to me. But I still text him. I still text him back. I've been tempted to text Kyle too. I'm yearning for more trouble in my life. A part of me wanted to get in that car with him. But he looked greasy. And my mind took over my instinctive side and made me say no before I could say yes. Sometimes I crave attention. It's at those times I back myself into a corner and ball myself up. But I also do that when I want to be alone. I don't know myself as well as I pretend to. I cry more than I laugh and lots of people don't know that. I fake a smile 98% of the time and I think in a way it's sad yet relieving that no one seems to notice. I wish I like acting because I like the idea of being someone I'm not. It's appealing to me. I love beig held close. It makes me feel loved, protected. I dream about the beach all the time. Sometimes I see visions of me where I'm smiling a real smile. Or at least I think so. And I wonder what it will take for me to get there. A part of me wants to show people the truly happy, fun-loving part of me but I don't know how to find it. I want the people close to me to be able to see that I'm not always depressed, that I haven't always been depressed. That I was happy at one point in time. I want them to see me smile. Not through tears, but a real smile. I want to be healthy. I want them to not have to worry about my health, about the cuts I bring on myself. The positions I put myself in just to get hurt so at least I can feel something other than depression. I dream of doing things I can't do in reality. I want to be pregnant just so I can feel some sort of connection to someone, even if they're inside of me. That way I'd never truly be alone. I want to establish myself. I have no idea of who I am. Sometimes I put myself down so that when my mood increases, I'll feel even better. I tell myself I'm fatter than I really am so that when I look in the mirror or step on the scale, I feel just an inkling better about myself than I did before. Sometimes I bury myself just to see who will try and find me. A part of me hopes that the test results will come back positive. Just so I can tell myself that it'll only be a little while now. My neck hurts. A part of me wants to get hit by a car. Get into a car accident so that I'd be laid up in the hospital. I wish I was in the hopsital. Even when people tell me that they love me, I still feel unloved everyday. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is cry. I keep telling myself "it has to get better" and I keep hoping that maybe someday it really will. I keep myself busy so that I can tell myself "I don't have time to eat right now" and end up not eating at all. I can't remember the last time my biological mother hugged me. I can't tell you the last time my biological father was there to listen to a real problem I had. I never remember my biological father ever wiping my tears away, but I only remember him being the reason for them. My family has caused more pain, suffering, and tears than they'll ever know. Even when I walk into my church, I feel judged. I feel like no one will truly ever understand me. 99% of the time I feel invisible unless I'm being yelled at or lectured. I feel like my niece sometimes sees me as her mom. I haven't completely mastered the art of the word "no" unless I'm pissed off. I can be in a room filled with people and feel alone. I can have someone hanging on me or sitting right next to me and still feel like the only(and the lonliest) person in the universe. Being cold makes your body burn more calories to get you back to normal body temperature. I have never felt at home. I can lie better than some people think. When I say I'm fine, it really means that I want you to knock down the wall and find out what's really going on. Sometimes I feel like saying something about a specific thing will open a can of worms so I will be mad at someone in my head and I'll never let them know for sake of the relationship. I'm cold. My brain and heart have never worked together. I can and do smoke still sometimes. I'm a horrible exmple. People look at me to follow but I'm a natural born leader. I go from annoyed to pissed off in 2.5 seconds. I feel 100% at home in bitch mode. I try to turn off bitch mode because I try to please everyone. I will never be good enough in my own eyes. I will never see my successes as actual sucesses because every time I succeed as a kid, no one cared. Sarcasm and bitch mode go hand in hand. I'm very indecisive. When I'm numb, I don't care. When I start feeling too many emotions at the same time, my brain powers down, my eyes twich, and I have random spasms. On top of that, I never remember what happens. Sometimes I'm only comforted by causing myself physical pain. People underestimate me more times than not. I'm like a fire, you touch me or I touch you, you'll be the one getting burned. I have a talent for "burning" people even when I try my hardest not to. Sometimes I seclude myself so that I won't hurt people but I end up hurting people anyway. A good portion of my poetry sucks. I have a difficult time expressing most of my emotions or putting them into words. Sometimes I just need a hug.