God Loves Us ALL

Disclaimer: I am not a Bible scholar, nor is my intention to offend, ridicule, or pass judgement on anyone. Let me first state, that I AM a Christian. That being said, let's move on. God loves everyone. No ifs ands or buts. This includes gays, by the way. We are called, as Christians, to love our neighbors as ourselves & to love as God has loved us. It is not our place nor job to judge or tell people how to live. Just because some people are different or believe different things,it is not our place to condemn them for it. Now it's not just because the homosexuals are already being bullied, beaten, & killed by too many homophobic dipwads as it is. Not because they didn't CHOOSE to wake up one day & be attracted to members of the same sex. More or less ALSO because we are told not point out the splinter in someone else's eye when we have a plank in ours. And honestly, how is them being gay affecting you? Seriously. The Bible has stated that eating shell fish is a sin along with playing with pig skin(football) & let's not forget that women are not to to oversee men & that slavery is ok! Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone! The Muslims don't walk up to you & tell you that you're going to hell because you don't believe what they believe. I'm not saying that if someone is sinning you should let them continue doing it, but they need to come across the revelation themselves. The more you try to pound it into their head or shove religion down their throat, the further away you're pushing them. Think about it. Do you like when someone comes up to you & yells at you for doing something different than they do? Does that make you want to change? No. It makes you want to punch them in the face. "I become all things to all men...I do this all for the glory of God." 1Corinthians 9:19-23. So just because I am doing what God has called me to do(loving everyone) does not mean I should be condemned for NOT condemning them. If you wanna be a homosexual hater, whatever. But it's just gonna make me a lot more determined to love these people who have outcast, kicked, bullied, beaten, & ridiculed. Unless your mission is to stop them by driving them to commit suicide, stop. Please.

Our Story

**I realized that every story I started writing, I got bored with. Therefore, I ended up losing it. Whenever I find it, I never remember where I was going with the story. So this time, I picked a story to start that I wouldn't get bored with, & I couldn't forget what I wanted to happen next in the book. How? Because this time I picked a real story. This time, I picked Our Story.**

So there I was. Sitting all alone during the first slow dance, and probably every other dance after that. Apparently I was the only one at my table who hadn’t made prior dance partner arrangements. As the dance began to pick up I sunk into my chair and examined the tables center piece; a glass square with an opening at the top where the clear marbles, water, and roses had been inserted.

Suddenly, there was an out-stretched hand to the right of me. I turned around and looked up to see a tall man, slightly tanned with blue eyes and blonde hair that had been slicked back almost professionally. He almost resembled a college scholar in his sleek black suit and maroon tie, but I knew he couldn’t be more than twenty.

“Come on.” He smiled at me and tipped his head toward the dance floor. Normally, I would never, but something inside of me(possibly the mystery of a perfect, handsome stranger) just couldn’t resist.

I slowly and softly placed my palm into his and he led me to an open area near the edge of the dance floor. Since I was at least six inches shorter than him(even in heels), we took a moment to awkwardly adjust ourselves(or at least attempt to) so that we may have possibly looked some type of normal.

We danced in silence for a few moments before he blurted out “I’m Chris, by the way.” Through the deafness of music and foot clattering.

“I’m Ebony.” I managed, as I looked up to make quick eye contact for only the second time. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m usually not a shy person. But there was just something about Chris that made me feel bashful. Was it the handsome smile? The sophisticated way he carried himself? Or maybe it was the fact that even though we were barely touching, there was a connection. Almost as if I’d known him for so much longer than just a few short minutes.

After names were exchanged, the conversation slowly but surely began to pick up.

“So how do you know the bride and groom?” Chris asked, trying to pull me out of a shell that I was hiding in as if I was a child hiding behind a blanket.

“Uh, I used to go to YFC a little while back. You?”

“Um, same almost but it’s been a long time since I’ve been there. You know the saying ‘God is boom’?”

God is boom has been around Youth for Christ for a little while now. It doesn’t come up very often, but then again I only started going about maybe a year and a half ago. It’s more or less used to describe the power and omnipresence of God. Usually when someone neglects to find words for whatever it is they’re trying to say.

“Yeah, I’ve heard it before.” I told him.

“I made that up,” He smiled. “it was me that started that.”

“Really?” I said. “I never knew where it started. I haven’t been going for very long. Usually only Lightforce.”

Lightforce is almost like a youth group, but only on Saturday nights. It’s basically to keep kids off the streets and give them something better and productive to do. Usually it consists of playing a game, socializing, and the a power point, video, or “sermon” on something Bible related.

What I Love About Him

-Everything
-How he's a little crazy
-Even though he doesn't really know who I used to be, he accepts it
-The way he walks around shirtless..mid-winter
-He's so certain even when he's clueless
-He's smart
-His personality is like none other
-How excited he gets over the smallest things
-Sometimes he's so Chandler :p
-His voice
-He's so independent but would be so lost without me
-Waking up next to him
-He's witty
-How he always holds my hand in the dark(for my safety)
-He will put down his xbox controller for me(most days)
-He's taught me so much
-How he'll sit down & watch Wildfire with me even though he hates horses :)
-How sometimes he lays his head on me to nap
-The worried look in his eyes when he's trying to be confident about plans
-How he likes kids movies
-He'll stay up til midnight on the 30th of each month just to say happy anniversary
-He's always there for me
-The curve of his smile
-His blue eyes
-How his hair always looks perfect
-His sense of humor
-His egotistical charm :)
-How he looks past what I've been through & sees who I am now
-His kisses
-How tightly he hugs me
-That look
-How we can read each others minds
-How we can fit each others clothes
-That he never pushes me in a bad way
-He's there
-He's fun
-He's responsible
-He respects me
-The way our hands fit together
-The butterflies he gives me
-He knows when to be serious
-He's protective
-He loves me
-He takes care of me(even when I don't)
-He always makes me feel better
-We can be immature & childish together
-How he holds me
-How he looks me in the eyes
-He makes me happy
-Just being with him can completely take me from depressed to smiley
-He gets me
-He doesn't always understand, but he always accepts
-His cheesy quotes that he means to be sincere
-How honest he is with me
-How I can be myself around him
-How he always seems to have a plan
-He's not like other guys
-He's such a guy sometimes
--I can talk to him about everything
**It's 7am, I'm tired, & he'll be home in an hour. More to come tomorrow.**

Ah, Family

Ok. So here's the deal. I got a call from my sister, Becky like 15 minutes ago. She's at work. She tells me my mother has fallen out of her chair & is alone at the house with my 2yo niece. She then proceeds to ask me if I can call, see if she's gotten up yet, and if not, if I could go over & help her up. I said sure, even though I'm at my boyfriend's house, 45 minutes away.

I call my mother to see if she's ok and if she's gotten up. She says she's just laying on the floor and my niece is laying on top of her. My exact words were "So in other words, I need to come over." Ya know, just, not rude, just like in a "well, I'm coming over then" type way. She tells me I don't have to and I tell her I'm not going to let her lay on the ground with my niece for another 3 hours until Becky gets off work and gets home and that I'm going to come over. What does she say? "Well, you're not gonna be of much help, I don't know what you're gonna be able to do." What the fuck.This is exactly why we don't fuckin get along. Here I am, offering my services, not only as her daughter, but as a good person, from 45 minutes away that would require me to drag myself away from a warm bed, and make my boyfriend drive me all the way over, wait for me, and drive us all the way back. Did I miss something?? I'm a good fucking person! What the hell. I've done a lot of shit in my life, but none that would require being treated like dirt THIS BADLY as a consequence.

Is it not enough to offer help out of love, respect, compassion, & sympathy? Am I a bad person?? And the thing is, this NEVER gets old for her! Apparently, I will never be a real daughter or one that deserves any type of respect or love and honestly, I don't know why she even bothers talking to me anymore. Am I THAT BAD of a person that you don't want me living under your roof OR offering to help you up when you've fallen? I mean, what the fuck?! I do NOT deserve to be treated like this!

And to put the cherry on top of it all, we all know how incredibly HIGH my self-worth, self-confidence, and everything in between are. So that put a decent sized, "chip" in the scale of how much I'm worth and appreciated.

In all honesty, a part of me wants to take a bottle of tequila and cough syrup to the head and then proceed to slit my wrists in front of her. Bet she wouldn't even twitch.

Fortunately, I got a hold of my oldest sister Jen, who only lives 5 minutes from my mom's house and convinced her to go over and deal with her, after Jen tried to accuse me of just not wanting to "drag myself away from my boyfriend." What a load of bullshit. This is how highly my family thinks of me. Awesome, right?

On the one brighter note of my life, at least my boyfriend is here for me, loves me, respects me, and sees my worth even when I don't. Without him, I'd probably be dead right now. But fortunately, right now all I have after this conversation is a headache, a crick in my neck/shoulder, and an overactive heater inside my body.

Here's to the love that families share from day to day and the great appreciation they hold for one another.

Now

I'm so angry. Everything around me is spinning and my thoughts won't shut up. I thought I'd never have to do this again. I thought it was over. I thought I had it under control. How is it that within 48 hours I haven't been able to calm down at all? This is ridiculous. I feel out of control. I feel nauseous and like someone's stabbing me in the side. I have a headache that won't let up and the pain just keeps getting worse. I got to a point where I almost broke down in tears today...now that I'm alone..kinda, I couldn't cry if I was run over by a stampede of elephants. Everything is mixed and jumbled and nowhere near sanity. Right now, I'm curled up in a ball with my head spinning and random black outs. I can't sleep, but I NEED to sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just be dead?

File Report

File Name: Progress
Operation: Black Hole
Person/Persons: Ebony J.
Objective: Kill Her


Ebony is running from death itself. In other words, she's running from herself. She's on foot in full sprint, but her past is in an 18-wheeler. She's weak. She's falling apart. Now is the time to attack. As her mind fades and her thoughts race we are already a step ahead. We have tapped into her brain and are sucking the life out of her bit by bit.

We got to her in the night. She was dreaming, a death-trap set by our professionals. We took the bottled anger from her shelf and let the black fumes loose in her blood stream & her muscles tensed for a moment. These fumes would then spread to her eyes, making them pitch black to her. This is part of a prgram that will lead her to disown herself because she doesn't recognize herself. We've also increased the power and frequency of her headaches and can now control them from HQ along with the speed of her thoughts.

Also, we've been able to fubar her contact center. We are in the process of drawing her away from communicating with others and turning her into a dispised loner. This program is going quite well and is making quick progress.

We've tapped her senses. Her temptations. We are proud to announce that we have successfully put her on a track back to who she used to be. The quality of our work is never compromised and is above any other comparison. We plan to slowly drain her of everything and everyone she knows and loves and eventually kill her , feeding the process on her own anger. Thank you for your time.

Run to You

I run to you
Because you make
Me feel
Safe
When all hope is
Gone
And I'm
Hanging
On
By a thread
You take
The knife
From my hand
And offer
Your hand
In exchange
You are
The only one I can
Run to where
The arms are open
Wide
And not folded with
Disappointment
And disgrace
You don't know how much
You mean to me
And how
Often
I feel like
A speck
And a child
Unable to
Stand on my
Own
When I run
To you