-Everything
-How he's a little crazy
-Even though he doesn't really know who I used to be, he accepts it
-The way he walks around shirtless..mid-winter
-He's so certain even when he's clueless
-He's smart
-His personality is like none other
-How excited he gets over the smallest things
-Sometimes he's so Chandler :p
-His voice
-He's so independent but would be so lost without me
-Waking up next to him
-He's witty
-How he always holds my hand in the dark(for my safety)
-He will put down his xbox controller for me(most days)
-He's taught me so much
-How he'll sit down & watch Wildfire with me even though he hates horses :)
-How sometimes he lays his head on me to nap
-The worried look in his eyes when he's trying to be confident about plans
-How he likes kids movies
-He'll stay up til midnight on the 30th of each month just to say happy anniversary
-He's always there for me
-The curve of his smile
-His blue eyes
-How his hair always looks perfect
-His sense of humor
-His egotistical charm :)
-How he looks past what I've been through & sees who I am now
-His kisses
-How tightly he hugs me
-That look
-How we can read each others minds
-How we can fit each others clothes
-That he never pushes me in a bad way
-He's there
-He's fun
-He's responsible
-He respects me
-The way our hands fit together
-The butterflies he gives me
-He knows when to be serious
-He's protective
-He loves me
-He takes care of me(even when I don't)
-He always makes me feel better
-We can be immature & childish together
-How he holds me
-How he looks me in the eyes
-He makes me happy
-Just being with him can completely take me from depressed to smiley
-He gets me
-He doesn't always understand, but he always accepts
-His cheesy quotes that he means to be sincere
-How honest he is with me
-How I can be myself around him
-How he always seems to have a plan
-He's not like other guys
-He's such a guy sometimes
--I can talk to him about everything
**It's 7am, I'm tired, & he'll be home in an hour. More to come tomorrow.**
Friday, February 11, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Ah, Family
Ok. So here's the deal. I got a call from my sister, Becky like 15 minutes ago. She's at work. She tells me my mother has fallen out of her chair & is alone at the house with my 2yo niece. She then proceeds to ask me if I can call, see if she's gotten up yet, and if not, if I could go over & help her up. I said sure, even though I'm at my boyfriend's house, 45 minutes away.
I call my mother to see if she's ok and if she's gotten up. She says she's just laying on the floor and my niece is laying on top of her. My exact words were "So in other words, I need to come over." Ya know, just, not rude, just like in a "well, I'm coming over then" type way. She tells me I don't have to and I tell her I'm not going to let her lay on the ground with my niece for another 3 hours until Becky gets off work and gets home and that I'm going to come over. What does she say? "Well, you're not gonna be of much help, I don't know what you're gonna be able to do." What the fuck.This is exactly why we don't fuckin get along. Here I am, offering my services, not only as her daughter, but as a good person, from 45 minutes away that would require me to drag myself away from a warm bed, and make my boyfriend drive me all the way over, wait for me, and drive us all the way back. Did I miss something?? I'm a good fucking person! What the hell. I've done a lot of shit in my life, but none that would require being treated like dirt THIS BADLY as a consequence.
Is it not enough to offer help out of love, respect, compassion, & sympathy? Am I a bad person?? And the thing is, this NEVER gets old for her! Apparently, I will never be a real daughter or one that deserves any type of respect or love and honestly, I don't know why she even bothers talking to me anymore. Am I THAT BAD of a person that you don't want me living under your roof OR offering to help you up when you've fallen? I mean, what the fuck?! I do NOT deserve to be treated like this!
And to put the cherry on top of it all, we all know how incredibly HIGH my self-worth, self-confidence, and everything in between are. So that put a decent sized, "chip" in the scale of how much I'm worth and appreciated.
In all honesty, a part of me wants to take a bottle of tequila and cough syrup to the head and then proceed to slit my wrists in front of her. Bet she wouldn't even twitch.
Fortunately, I got a hold of my oldest sister Jen, who only lives 5 minutes from my mom's house and convinced her to go over and deal with her, after Jen tried to accuse me of just not wanting to "drag myself away from my boyfriend." What a load of bullshit. This is how highly my family thinks of me. Awesome, right?
On the one brighter note of my life, at least my boyfriend is here for me, loves me, respects me, and sees my worth even when I don't. Without him, I'd probably be dead right now. But fortunately, right now all I have after this conversation is a headache, a crick in my neck/shoulder, and an overactive heater inside my body.
Here's to the love that families share from day to day and the great appreciation they hold for one another.
I call my mother to see if she's ok and if she's gotten up. She says she's just laying on the floor and my niece is laying on top of her. My exact words were "So in other words, I need to come over." Ya know, just, not rude, just like in a "well, I'm coming over then" type way. She tells me I don't have to and I tell her I'm not going to let her lay on the ground with my niece for another 3 hours until Becky gets off work and gets home and that I'm going to come over. What does she say? "Well, you're not gonna be of much help, I don't know what you're gonna be able to do." What the fuck.This is exactly why we don't fuckin get along. Here I am, offering my services, not only as her daughter, but as a good person, from 45 minutes away that would require me to drag myself away from a warm bed, and make my boyfriend drive me all the way over, wait for me, and drive us all the way back. Did I miss something?? I'm a good fucking person! What the hell. I've done a lot of shit in my life, but none that would require being treated like dirt THIS BADLY as a consequence.
Is it not enough to offer help out of love, respect, compassion, & sympathy? Am I a bad person?? And the thing is, this NEVER gets old for her! Apparently, I will never be a real daughter or one that deserves any type of respect or love and honestly, I don't know why she even bothers talking to me anymore. Am I THAT BAD of a person that you don't want me living under your roof OR offering to help you up when you've fallen? I mean, what the fuck?! I do NOT deserve to be treated like this!
And to put the cherry on top of it all, we all know how incredibly HIGH my self-worth, self-confidence, and everything in between are. So that put a decent sized, "chip" in the scale of how much I'm worth and appreciated.
In all honesty, a part of me wants to take a bottle of tequila and cough syrup to the head and then proceed to slit my wrists in front of her. Bet she wouldn't even twitch.
Fortunately, I got a hold of my oldest sister Jen, who only lives 5 minutes from my mom's house and convinced her to go over and deal with her, after Jen tried to accuse me of just not wanting to "drag myself away from my boyfriend." What a load of bullshit. This is how highly my family thinks of me. Awesome, right?
On the one brighter note of my life, at least my boyfriend is here for me, loves me, respects me, and sees my worth even when I don't. Without him, I'd probably be dead right now. But fortunately, right now all I have after this conversation is a headache, a crick in my neck/shoulder, and an overactive heater inside my body.
Here's to the love that families share from day to day and the great appreciation they hold for one another.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Now
I'm so angry. Everything around me is spinning and my thoughts won't shut up. I thought I'd never have to do this again. I thought it was over. I thought I had it under control. How is it that within 48 hours I haven't been able to calm down at all? This is ridiculous. I feel out of control. I feel nauseous and like someone's stabbing me in the side. I have a headache that won't let up and the pain just keeps getting worse. I got to a point where I almost broke down in tears today...now that I'm alone..kinda, I couldn't cry if I was run over by a stampede of elephants. Everything is mixed and jumbled and nowhere near sanity. Right now, I'm curled up in a ball with my head spinning and random black outs. I can't sleep, but I NEED to sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just be dead?
Friday, November 19, 2010
File Report
File Name: Progress
Operation: Black Hole
Person/Persons: Ebony J.
Objective: Kill Her
Ebony is running from death itself. In other words, she's running from herself. She's on foot in full sprint, but her past is in an 18-wheeler. She's weak. She's falling apart. Now is the time to attack. As her mind fades and her thoughts race we are already a step ahead. We have tapped into her brain and are sucking the life out of her bit by bit.
We got to her in the night. She was dreaming, a death-trap set by our professionals. We took the bottled anger from her shelf and let the black fumes loose in her blood stream & her muscles tensed for a moment. These fumes would then spread to her eyes, making them pitch black to her. This is part of a prgram that will lead her to disown herself because she doesn't recognize herself. We've also increased the power and frequency of her headaches and can now control them from HQ along with the speed of her thoughts.
Also, we've been able to fubar her contact center. We are in the process of drawing her away from communicating with others and turning her into a dispised loner. This program is going quite well and is making quick progress.
We've tapped her senses. Her temptations. We are proud to announce that we have successfully put her on a track back to who she used to be. The quality of our work is never compromised and is above any other comparison. We plan to slowly drain her of everything and everyone she knows and loves and eventually kill her , feeding the process on her own anger. Thank you for your time.
Operation: Black Hole
Person/Persons: Ebony J.
Objective: Kill Her
Ebony is running from death itself. In other words, she's running from herself. She's on foot in full sprint, but her past is in an 18-wheeler. She's weak. She's falling apart. Now is the time to attack. As her mind fades and her thoughts race we are already a step ahead. We have tapped into her brain and are sucking the life out of her bit by bit.
We got to her in the night. She was dreaming, a death-trap set by our professionals. We took the bottled anger from her shelf and let the black fumes loose in her blood stream & her muscles tensed for a moment. These fumes would then spread to her eyes, making them pitch black to her. This is part of a prgram that will lead her to disown herself because she doesn't recognize herself. We've also increased the power and frequency of her headaches and can now control them from HQ along with the speed of her thoughts.
Also, we've been able to fubar her contact center. We are in the process of drawing her away from communicating with others and turning her into a dispised loner. This program is going quite well and is making quick progress.
We've tapped her senses. Her temptations. We are proud to announce that we have successfully put her on a track back to who she used to be. The quality of our work is never compromised and is above any other comparison. We plan to slowly drain her of everything and everyone she knows and loves and eventually kill her , feeding the process on her own anger. Thank you for your time.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Run to You
I run to you
Because you make
Me feel
Safe
When all hope is
Gone
And I'm
Hanging
On
By a thread
You take
The knife
From my hand
And offer
Your hand
In exchange
You are
The only one I can
Run to where
The arms are open
Wide
And not folded with
Disappointment
And disgrace
You don't know how much
You mean to me
And how
Often
I feel like
A speck
And a child
Unable to
Stand on my
Own
When I run
To you
Because you make
Me feel
Safe
When all hope is
Gone
And I'm
Hanging
On
By a thread
You take
The knife
From my hand
And offer
Your hand
In exchange
You are
The only one I can
Run to where
The arms are open
Wide
And not folded with
Disappointment
And disgrace
You don't know how much
You mean to me
And how
Often
I feel like
A speck
And a child
Unable to
Stand on my
Own
When I run
To you
Saturday, November 6, 2010
A Double Dose of Tears
Every night she holds her
And she just cries over her
Her little limp body so peaceful
So nieve
So unaware of weak her caretaker becomes
Every night once she's asleep
It's so hard to watch her cry
Because she knows wht it's like
To cry for something, someone
Who just isn't there
And to see the way that little girl breaks
Breaks her heart again and again
She lays her heaad on her shoulder
Only to shed tears behind her back
And she has no idea
What her caretakers tearss mean
Or why they've shown themselves
As she stops her crying to watch
She'll even wipe away her tears with her tiny fingers
After her own tears have been wiped away
But at the end of the day
After the crying has ceased
The young one can lay her head down
And sleep away the tears
But that's the difference between the two
She can sleep it off
And be fine in the morning
But I'm up all night
Crying
And my mourning,
And my morning,
Don't bring relief
And she just cries over her
Her little limp body so peaceful
So nieve
So unaware of weak her caretaker becomes
Every night once she's asleep
It's so hard to watch her cry
Because she knows wht it's like
To cry for something, someone
Who just isn't there
And to see the way that little girl breaks
Breaks her heart again and again
She lays her heaad on her shoulder
Only to shed tears behind her back
And she has no idea
What her caretakers tearss mean
Or why they've shown themselves
As she stops her crying to watch
She'll even wipe away her tears with her tiny fingers
After her own tears have been wiped away
But at the end of the day
After the crying has ceased
The young one can lay her head down
And sleep away the tears
But that's the difference between the two
She can sleep it off
And be fine in the morning
But I'm up all night
Crying
And my mourning,
And my morning,
Don't bring relief
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Gone.
This will be my last blog post..or at least I'm hoping..or at least for a while. I find this all to be a pointless battle I'm fighting. People trying to replace me, copy me, act like me. Stop being a fucking printer and get a life because no matter how hard you try to act like me to replace me, it's not gonna happen. But I guess people are ok with you trying to replace me. And you know what? If you think you can do a better job at living my life, then go for it. You step right into my shoes and take a goddamn hike. But I'm done. I'm done trying to be what everyone fucking wants me to be. If you don't like me how I am than take a long walk, off a short bridge and don't forget to slit your throat on the way down. Fuck it. I'm done with the bullshit. You act all fuckin innocent so people won't know you're really a bitch beneath the surface. I'm gone. So fuck it, you, and everyone who caved into your little scheme. Done.
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