One Word

Depression is back again. Funny how things work like that. One minute you're fine, the next you're reliving every horrible feeling ever in your life. But what triggers it? Sometimes it's obvious things like a death or a snide comment from a stranger or someone you know. But when it's a quick change, the flick of a switch, how do you see it coming? How do you prevent it? When nothing particular happens, how do you fix it? Answering those questions like, "What happened?" "How can I help?" "Why are you so sad?", suddenly brings a whole nother level of depression on because you don't know. You don't know why, and that makes you depressed that you can't pull yourself out of this and that you have no reason to even be feeling this way. Somehow I always come back to that. The times when you just don't know why you're so depressed and no one understands. It makes everything even worse. Those times when all you want is to be alone, but you can't. You're smiling watching your daughter slide and then all of the sudden you just get that feeling in the pit of your stomach and a cold chill takes over your body. Nothing is wrong, there was no trigger, just a sudden depression; for no reason. Is there any way to feel normal? Music makes it worse, but it makes you feel better to cry. So many questions; most of them beginning with one word- how.

Progression of the Monster

I hated myself. I still hate myself. When everywhere you look you see everything you aren't. You look in the mirror & think why? Why am I cursed with this body, this ugly face? And you just cry & you get so mad that you throw things & hit things & you just wanna rip your own face off. You wish you could just dig your nails into every inch of you & tear out the imperfections. And you try, but but your nails only go so deep. But the pain feels good; finally something I can control. So you take the hate out on yourself because after all, this is the image that breaks you down & ruins your life & cuts slashes in your self esteem, in your confidence. Maybe, you think, if I can just lose a few pounds, but a few pounds is never enough. And you get frustrated and you eat more because you're frustrated and you're getting nowhere. Then one day, you don't feel like eating. You skip 1 meal, 2 meals; suddenly it's time for bed & it feels so good feeling so empty. You almost think you look a little thinner. Then the next day comes & you just snack because you're too busy to eat meals. A few days in an it starts to feel good. You're controlling your eating and eating nothing feels great. You start to notice your favorite jeans are a little easier to button up. The trend continues until you find yourself consuming only bottled water & nutrigrain bars. Then you start exercising..and it becomes addictive. 5 hours straight a day, just one more quarter mile on the treadmill & 1 more game on the wii fit. But it's never enough, you always keep pushing. Then one day you realize you're in a rut. It's an endless cycle. And in some weird twisted way, you're ok with that.

...

For some reason I've been super depressed the past 2 days. I got very little sleep last night as I spent about an hour crying over several different things. I'm not sure why I'm writing this blog, maybe just to help clear my mind or sort things, or just get it all out I guess. I don't know why I've been depressed, I guess just everything catching up with me. Things haven't been crazy busy or anything, & I guess that's why. I'm finally getting the chance...well..I wouldn't call it a chance. ...The...time and neutral to be able to start processing all these pent up emotions from all these different things that have happened this year. I don't really know what to say to anyone and I wanna talk about it but I don't know how. All I wanna do is cry. I wanna be alone and cry. That's it. And I know part of that is selfish since I'm married and have a child, but sometimes a mom needs time to herself. To mourn by herself.and be alone. I just wanna disappear.. And I don't have the strength or emotional stability to deal with any of it. I just wanna cry. All the time. But why? I have a wonderful husband and a fantastic daughter. Why is it that I have been walking around in a fog and just going through the emotions. I love my husband, but I wait until he goes to sleep to cry and cry and cry. But no matter how much I cry, it's never enough. No matter how dry my eyes are,there are always more tears to be shed. I refuse to cry in front of my daughter & I try to limit my crying fits with my husband to only major stuff. I hate having g to subject him to listening/watching me cry & ramble when he probably just nods along anyway. Not to mention, I just don't like crying in front of people. I just done let my guard down like that. I don't want to be around people. I wanna talk about it but I'm just too damn out of sorts. Not to mention I've been feeling super subconscious lately. I told myself I would lose weight but now it's like I've lost motivation to exercise and eat right, but I hate myself because I'm fat & ugly. I thought I was done with major depression spirals but all I wanna do is lock myself in my room and go into hermit mode but I'm a stay at home mom. I can't do that. I just done know what to do. I just need to go out for a long drive, not care where I go or end up, & just sit, & cry. I miss being able to do that. I just hate myself. I've done nothing with my life and I probably never will because I never finish anything or I don't have ambition. I had tons of help applying to colleges and trying to get in, but did I go to college? Of course not.

Bullies and Memories

So, it's been a while since I actually looked back at my past because it's a place I like to leave behind close titanium doors with chains and locks bound around its dark trenches; but today it someone burst out of its entrapmentad in just a flash, glanced at me before returning to its prison. But it was too late. The chains it had broken were not able to be reassembled; its pandorica free of any blockade or wall between us. The black ghosts now spread out invite my mind, pulling memories here and there and causing havoc that no being is able to undo. Its a chaos that slips down from my mind, into my heart and weighs it down like an elephant on a lily pad. Then it floats down into my stomach creating a pit that resembles a black hole and it is there that it make its home. I know I am not alone in this chaos and havoc and I know everyone has their own black ghosts, some just blend in with the darkness better. Whenever I leave my house, I try to look at least decent(even as a mom) just for me so I know I have improved myself,but why? Is it to impress strangers I come in contact with? No, they'll probably never see me again. So why care? Because deep down, we DO care what people think. I had thought I had gotten over that, being an adult now, and realizing that no matter what, I am me and that's perfectly fine. It was a lie. I leave my house trying to look my best because in that pandorica are tiny voices that still repeat and echo the words of those mean bullies in school. I never wanted to admit it, but I was bullied in school. I was never quite right; not thin enough, not pretty enough,I wasn't popular or rich, & some days wasn't the freshest I could be. And what did that get me? The lowest grade you could be in school; a target. No "F" will ever be beneath it. And the worst part is, I tries to overcompensate to fit in with friends who weren't from school because I didn't want them to know what other people thought of me; the value stamp I'd already been marked with. It was a chance to be what I wasn't at school. And it was nice that people saw my personality and not my low grade target sticker on my forehead and back. But here I am, 3, almost 4, years out of high school-a wife, a mom- and still today I cried for several minutes over the hurtful things the bullies said back then..even in middle school. I like to think I'm a rather nice person but I bet no one I went to school would know if you asked aside from about 4 or 5 friends I still love and talk to today. It all started in 6th grade. That's 10 years ago now. Almost 11. And here I am, still thinking about the harsh things kids said. I never told my mom, my sisters, some of the teachers knew...But I was ashamed that I was not good enough..I still am. How do you escape something that haunts you in every shadow and around every corner? How is it that I am 21 years old, married, with a child and still I'm affected by this? It's depressing. I don't want pity for being bullied, I don't want half-hearted apologies from the bullies...I just want to be able to move on with my life and be me. But that will never happen. I can push it away all I want, but it'll always still be there. There is no time machine, there is no amount of therapy, and no matter much my self-confidence improves, there will always be words, echoes, knowing that I wasn't good enough for 5 years. Then I went to cyber school where I had no friends because no one knew each other. I don't know.

Heavy Shadows

Depression weighs heavy on my mind these days Like an elephant on a tightrope, just waiting to fall To take the plunge, the drift Into darkness where light is captive in corners And hope is trapped in the shadows Nothing but shadows Of shame and distress Anxiety, loss, & loneliness Where nothing makes sense And you don't know why But tears always claw their way to the surface And drown you in lies and self-loathing Where you believe it Because darkness seems to be a place to call home now Because the darkness has stolen the only small match you carried Because you and the match have both burnt out

God Loves Us ALL

Disclaimer: I am not a Bible scholar, nor is my intention to offend, ridicule, or pass judgement on anyone. Let me first state, that I AM a Christian. That being said, let's move on. God loves everyone. No ifs ands or buts. This includes gays, by the way. We are called, as Christians, to love our neighbors as ourselves & to love as God has loved us. It is not our place nor job to judge or tell people how to live. Just because some people are different or believe different things,it is not our place to condemn them for it. Now it's not just because the homosexuals are already being bullied, beaten, & killed by too many homophobic dipwads as it is. Not because they didn't CHOOSE to wake up one day & be attracted to members of the same sex. More or less ALSO because we are told not point out the splinter in someone else's eye when we have a plank in ours. And honestly, how is them being gay affecting you? Seriously. The Bible has stated that eating shell fish is a sin along with playing with pig skin(football) & let's not forget that women are not to to oversee men & that slavery is ok! Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone! The Muslims don't walk up to you & tell you that you're going to hell because you don't believe what they believe. I'm not saying that if someone is sinning you should let them continue doing it, but they need to come across the revelation themselves. The more you try to pound it into their head or shove religion down their throat, the further away you're pushing them. Think about it. Do you like when someone comes up to you & yells at you for doing something different than they do? Does that make you want to change? No. It makes you want to punch them in the face. "I become all things to all men...I do this all for the glory of God." 1Corinthians 9:19-23. So just because I am doing what God has called me to do(loving everyone) does not mean I should be condemned for NOT condemning them. If you wanna be a homosexual hater, whatever. But it's just gonna make me a lot more determined to love these people who have outcast, kicked, bullied, beaten, & ridiculed. Unless your mission is to stop them by driving them to commit suicide, stop. Please.

Our Story

**I realized that every story I started writing, I got bored with. Therefore, I ended up losing it. Whenever I find it, I never remember where I was going with the story. So this time, I picked a story to start that I wouldn't get bored with, & I couldn't forget what I wanted to happen next in the book. How? Because this time I picked a real story. This time, I picked Our Story.**

So there I was. Sitting all alone during the first slow dance, and probably every other dance after that. Apparently I was the only one at my table who hadn’t made prior dance partner arrangements. As the dance began to pick up I sunk into my chair and examined the tables center piece; a glass square with an opening at the top where the clear marbles, water, and roses had been inserted.

Suddenly, there was an out-stretched hand to the right of me. I turned around and looked up to see a tall man, slightly tanned with blue eyes and blonde hair that had been slicked back almost professionally. He almost resembled a college scholar in his sleek black suit and maroon tie, but I knew he couldn’t be more than twenty.

“Come on.” He smiled at me and tipped his head toward the dance floor. Normally, I would never, but something inside of me(possibly the mystery of a perfect, handsome stranger) just couldn’t resist.

I slowly and softly placed my palm into his and he led me to an open area near the edge of the dance floor. Since I was at least six inches shorter than him(even in heels), we took a moment to awkwardly adjust ourselves(or at least attempt to) so that we may have possibly looked some type of normal.

We danced in silence for a few moments before he blurted out “I’m Chris, by the way.” Through the deafness of music and foot clattering.

“I’m Ebony.” I managed, as I looked up to make quick eye contact for only the second time. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m usually not a shy person. But there was just something about Chris that made me feel bashful. Was it the handsome smile? The sophisticated way he carried himself? Or maybe it was the fact that even though we were barely touching, there was a connection. Almost as if I’d known him for so much longer than just a few short minutes.

After names were exchanged, the conversation slowly but surely began to pick up.

“So how do you know the bride and groom?” Chris asked, trying to pull me out of a shell that I was hiding in as if I was a child hiding behind a blanket.

“Uh, I used to go to YFC a little while back. You?”

“Um, same almost but it’s been a long time since I’ve been there. You know the saying ‘God is boom’?”

God is boom has been around Youth for Christ for a little while now. It doesn’t come up very often, but then again I only started going about maybe a year and a half ago. It’s more or less used to describe the power and omnipresence of God. Usually when someone neglects to find words for whatever it is they’re trying to say.

“Yeah, I’ve heard it before.” I told him.

“I made that up,” He smiled. “it was me that started that.”

“Really?” I said. “I never knew where it started. I haven’t been going for very long. Usually only Lightforce.”

Lightforce is almost like a youth group, but only on Saturday nights. It’s basically to keep kids off the streets and give them something better and productive to do. Usually it consists of playing a game, socializing, and the a power point, video, or “sermon” on something Bible related.